14m post-split - My Ex hanging out with my family every weekend.

[JohFlow]

I split with my partner (of 12 years) 14 months ago. We have an 8 year old together. My son lives with me full time; but visits his Dad every weekend.

My ex and I initially aimed to keep the split amicable and I kept to my side of the bargain (under considerable pressure). My Ex refused to discuss outstanding financial, childcare or other matters. He has just chosen to come out of family mediation - hardly any further forward. The whole of the last year (in this arena) has been frustrating, stressful and I have found my ex's behaviour very obstructive. I find it hard to be in his presence.

The problem I have is that since the break; he appears to have got closer to my family. He is currently on some sort of 'rota' round at their houses every weekend. He is out on visits with them, they offer childcare for him (on the only night of the week that he has our son), or he just goes round having a cuppa.

I am busy mid-week with childcare, work, homework etc. So the weekend is the best time for me to visit my family. And I have times when I need to discuss my worries with them. I am fiercely independent and like to get my head down to sort things when times are tough. However; I have been clinically depressed - so feel vulnerable right now. I have been there for my family anytime when they have needed me in the past.

I wanted my ex and I to sort things out between us and for my family not to have the awkwardness of being stuck in the middle or any arguments. I find myself having to put over 'my side of things' every time I see them.

I am feeling pushed out. My new partner is also feeling awkward as he wants to get to know my family more and this is standing in the way.

I find the attachment between my ex and my family a little unusual. Aren't exes supposed to drift away as the relationship dissolves?

Anyone have any similar experience/or advice? I love my family - but at the moment I feel like giving them an ultimatum.

Thanks,
JohsFlow

It is very odd indeed.

Didn't want this to go unanswered but it sounds very weird on your Ex's part. Is it a control thing do you think?
My Ex did this for a while but my parents soon made it clear that while they were not hostile, their allegiance lay with me and he wasn't as welcome as before.
I'd talk to your family - maybe they are feeling as weirdly piggy-in-the-middle and don't want to cause offence in case you get back together? Tell Ask them nicely to be a bit more distant with him and to not actively invite him round.
To be honest the offer of childcare on the one night he has the children is pretty shocking. Come on folks - he has his children to be with them not palm them off.

Good luck with this one - I can see it running and running but a good talk to your family to explain exactly why all this makes you uncomfortable may make them think about their actions a bit more. Good luck.

I am estranged from my parents as a result of their choice to maintain a relationship with my exH after we split 2 1/2 years ago.

He has a strong dependency on 'family' and found it impossible to break the tie that he has with them - but rather than discourage his contact, my mum has encouraged it; my parents have met, hosted and accommodated exH and his partner, but not ever met my DP.

All DDs contact with them is through exH - and my recent attempt to build bridges was rebuffed by their visit to exH timed to coincide with their letter of rejection to me.

I recognise that exH could choose to behave differently - but so could my parents - and as a mother myself, I do not understand my mums behaviour in this situation.

Have you told your family that it makes you uncomfortable?

to BonzoDooDah - he has become increasingly controlling since the break. And yes there maybe an element of truth in that he is using my family more that he should be doing. I think my family are in the middle and this shows in their ambivalent way of dealing with him. We are not going to get back together; too much bad blood and I am unable to trust anything he says/does. Yes the childcare arrangements on his one night are shocking (he flatly turned down more nights with our son for 'personal reasons' (read that as 'no reason'). My son told me last week ' 'I went to aunty....'s on saturday. Daddy did not want me there... He had 'friends' coming round'. Which might sum up where things are at.

To NotaDisney...Where you close to your family before the split? I like what you say about dependency. My Ex is estranged from his own family and has relied more on mine through the years. However; he does have a mother who he can go to. I feel my family need to let him go a bit so that he can go get his own support system and build a separate life. I have given little bits of info to the family that I feel uncomfortable - however I think that these hints may not have been direct or strong enough. I find myself angry every time that my son tells me what he has been going on over the weekend. But of course its always 'Oh , that sounds exciting! Tell me more...'

Does your XP want to resume the relationship? Or do you think his motivation is to shut off sources of support for you? Also, are your family likely to think that you 'should' get back with XP and are therefore trying to act as though you have not split up and he is still 'family' - or could they just be trying to keep things amicable for your DS?

I wasn't especially close - but did feel I could turn to them for support when the marriage broke down - initially, they were brilliant, but once exH made contact, they quickly began to berate me for my decisions which he (exH) disagreed with!

ExH has a very close extended family - and my parents (and other family members) are a part of that. Loss of distantly related family members who may not have been seen for years cause him and his family a degree of distress and grief that I find hard to understand, and several former family members lost through divorce or separation are still actively included in the regular family gatherings.

It's very different from my own 'family' experience - and ironically, the fact that my parents were less involved in my married life than my in-laws were was something my exH used to criticise!

to SolidGoldVampire...Our relationship had been in trouble for a number of years. I spoke to him a number of times about the fact that we were in trouble and urged him to do things about it - fell on deaf ears. Finally; our split was a mutual decision - I give him some time to make his decision and suggested that once he told me what he wanted his decision would be final. I think his behaviour since shows that he may be having second thoughts. He has made a number of abusive comments and threats since the split that would suggest that he is deeply hurt and pissed with me (misdirected). I have been straight in dealing with these as I have no wish to be disrespected. I am hoping that he is not trying to shut off my support - the facts of that I do not know yet. As far as my family goes; they don't really interfere in my decisions and understand the reasons I needed to leave him. I think they are trying to keep things amicable. But I think there is amicable - and friendly. Do I want my family to be so friendly with my ex that I cannot go to them for support?

I think it is unfair when a couple split to expect the ex to also cut all ties with the inlaws if they havent fallen out with them and there was no abuse in the relationship that the ex is able to continue by staying close to other family members.

My husbands first wife still visits my MIL when she is in the area. She is the mother of MILs grandchildren, so even though I dont particularly like it, as I cant stand the woman, I grit my teeth and say nothing.

I can understand how you must be feeling though, so dont think I am being unsympathetic, and your family are probably also trying to keep things peaceful and see as much as they can of their grandchild too I imagine.

I feel for you but the bit about "exes drifting away" is harsh. 14 years is a long time.
I've just seperated from my H but I've always been very close to his mother and sisters, I've been part of their family for half my life, since I was a teenager. The idea that I should disappear because he has left me is very hurtful. Maybe your ex feels much the same?

I had this to some extent with an ex remaining very involved with 'my' friends and family (no kids with him though). On my side, I had removed myself from any relationships that felt as though they were 'his' (even though I cared about some of those people a lot and had known them for a decade) and it felt very unbalanced.

Personally, I think that really in order to move on from a previous relationship, it is easier if your new lives are as separate as possible - clearly there are reasons why a split can't be as clean with children involved, but you can make a go of as much separation as possible.

By him hanging around with your family, your ex will make it a whole lot harder for you to integrate any future man you feel serious about - but really unfairly, he'll be able to introduce any new partner to HIS family in much greater privacy.

My situation is fine now, and IME I think in order to tackle this, you need to be clear in your own mind what you think is reasonable/where the boundaries lie, and also whether this is all your ex's fault or whether your family are maybe being a bit insensitive. Talk to all concerned - they may be just being dopey.

In my case, my ex has still got relationships with the friends/family concerned, but is showing a lot more thoughtfulness about the situation. When I spoke to him, he did understand. Also, time has passed and I've probably chilled out about it to be fair.

I agree newromantic - if the ex had built real friendships with the OPs family then it seems just bonkers to me that he should lose those friendships. This is probably coloured by the fact that I have bitten my tongue and stayed very very nice to my exH and have not bitched about him and the OW (now dw) simply because I value my friendships with his birth family - who were MY family for 25 yrs - and am determined not to be the one who makes them take sides.

OP - your family can be friendly with your ex and still provide support for you! There is no reason why not - except in your mind. TBH this sounds a bit 'playground', "if you're his friend you can't be mine!". Be a grown up and recognise that even if he is a bit of a dick (totally possible and even likely from what you said) they might be very fond of him. I think you need to emotionally detach from caring what he does or who he's with. Have your own relationship with your family which is not dependent on who they choose to have as friends that your don't like.

Catrus - I feel incredibly betrayed by my family because of their choice - they are far closer to my exH now than while we were married; surely it's not unreasonable to expect your parents to consider their Childs feelings when selecting friends?

Sorry, I meant catsrus - fat finger problem!

Totally with you on this OP. My Ex and my DM are thick as thieves and last Xmas he inveigled himself an invite for the day with the DC. DM explained he would stay over in "our" room while I was to sleep in a cupboard in the attic! She "knew I wouldn't mind"

I thought it through and decided the dignified response was to stay at home and leave them to it. When I told them there was much reshuffling and he withdrew resentfully. I think they might have preferred to have him after all.

littleWarm - you are a better person than me; I could never have accepted their hospitality after such a blatant display of favouritism towards someone who they knew (presumably) you felt uncomfortable around

My family did this and to this day (it was about 15 years ago) I still can't get my head around it. Basically, they adored him and fully intended to keep him in the family - it was obvious who they preferred. They trotted out that 'you can't tell us who we are friends with' line and I simply didn't and don't know what to say to that, it is so outrageous and outlandish. except wtaf or some such thing.

There are really skewed loyalties here. I left my ex because he was an abuser, who snuggled up to my family when I left him; they received him with open arms. My relationship with my family has never recovered and I don't think I will ever get over their rank disloyalty. There is amicable and decent, but to be best buds is .... [run out of words]

NOt a good last sentence (still completely fucked up by what happened) re It is ok to be amicable and decent to ex, but to be best buds with him is...

The same ex that ive mentioned in previous threads actually LIVED with his ex in-laws (we were never married it was his ex wifes parents) for three years after they split up in their spare room.
By the time i was dating him he had a one bedroom flat but when he told me about his previous living arrangements i thought it sounded bloody weird.

springydaffs the useful part of that scenario was that it confirmed yet again that my Ex is a manipulative bully. My DM was torn and anxious and didn't want him to feel rejected. Putting herself last is what she does so as I am an extension of her she can put me last too.

I didn't blame her as she hasn't seen him for what he is. She still thinks he is just hurt and sad and missing the family. And he probably is! But only an entitled user would expect to be welcomed into their ex's family.

I know he couldn't bear that anyone might be thinking ill of him so he would want to be there to give his story and show what a loving and helpful man he is and how mistaken I must be to have left him.

Rank disloyalty... I like that phrase! Because when push comes to shove they SHOULD choose you not him, whatever wheedling goes on.

What a grim situation. Unfortunately it stems from the same old bad place as so many of our troubles - the idea that women are lesser people than men, and therefore if a relationship breaks up it;s the woman's fault and she should have eaten more shit and sucked more cock tried harder, everyone's got to fall over themselves to make it less hard for the Poor Dear Man. There are still families who will take the man's side when he's put their daughter/sister/niece in hospital more than once - she 'should learn not to provoke him' etc. There used to be a poster on here, can't remember the name, who came from a family of sexist bullies so unsurprisingly married another one, got the strength to bin him only to suffer years of abuse and pressure and attempts from her wretched family to resume the relationship with the awful man.

Of course, OP, your family may not be as bad as this, they may genuinely mean well in that they want to keep things 'amicable' for the sake of the DC, but it's probably worth talking to them and saying that while you don't want a hostile situation, you do expect them to prioritise you over your dickhead XP.

Thank you all for your replies - seems a good balance between those that are ok with exes still being involved and those that have also had more difficult experiences.

I think a lot depends on how hurt both parties have been by the break up and the willingness of the parties to create a future without animosity. In my case; I was quite willing to rise above any negative behaviour. My ex is at a different stage and still reacts out of anger. Interestingly; the behaviour arises every time that some changes need to be made!

I have no real relationship with my exes family as there are a lot tensions in that home which make it very uncomfortable to be there for any amount of time. There is a lot left unsaid between parties there 'for fear of rocking the boat'. I think that as a result of this - my ex does not 'do conflict'.

At the risk of being blunt; I do believe it right that the main support during a break up should go to your own family. And that some distance should be created with the ex. Not to totally break ties, but to allow just enough for civility. It seems to be a game of balance.

My family are very kind and helpful; but do have a tendency towards 'rescuing' men in trouble. The girls are left pretty much to fend for themselves. At the moment; my ex is appearing more 'needy' than me. I have seen co-dependency develop between 'rescued men' and my relatives before. I am hoping that this will not be another case.

But you seem to equate "family" with biology Joh - if you have been part of a family for 14 yrs or 25 yrs, then they are your family! my ex's biological family have been the family I moved home to be near to, have spent christmas with for all that time, celebrated significant events with - my DCs are biologically part of that family but I remain an Aunt to their cousins, just as the divorced partners of their biological aunts and uncles remain uncles and aunts to my DCs. I saw how upset my DCs were a few years ago when an ex aunt-by-marriage was shunned by their father - she was still their aunty to them.

I can see that there might be specific circumstances in your case from your POV but to suggest relationships forged over years should be turned into simple civil contact seems just wrong to me.

I appreciate that if you have been with someone for quite a while, I was with my ex for 13 years, then when you split it is hard for families. When I split wit my ex a few years ago it felt like it split my family in half and they offered my ex support not me. I found this so hurtful, I still feel angry. My ex and his girlfriend at the time were even invited to a New Years Eve family party whereas I wasn't welcome. I think that went beyond 'remaining friends'.

Cats - by the same token then, should parents make the effort to forge a relationship with their Childs DP at the beginning of their partnership or marriage, or should only bother to 'be friendly' if they are genuinely drawn to the person?
I know I would make the effort to accept my DDs DP into my family - but you imply that parents should disregard their DCs feelings and follow their own 'hearts' when it comes to in-law relationships.

In both Joh case and my own, our exH have grown closer to our families after the separation - that is a conscious choice on the part of our parents and one I personally take as a huge betrayal

I agree with Solid Gold. Great post.