14m post-split - My Ex hanging out with my family every weekend.

[JohFlow]

I split with my partner (of 12 years) 14 months ago. We have an 8 year old together. My son lives with me full time; but visits his Dad every weekend.

My ex and I initially aimed to keep the split amicable and I kept to my side of the bargain (under considerable pressure). My Ex refused to discuss outstanding financial, childcare or other matters. He has just chosen to come out of family mediation - hardly any further forward. The whole of the last year (in this arena) has been frustrating, stressful and I have found my ex's behaviour very obstructive. I find it hard to be in his presence.

The problem I have is that since the break; he appears to have got closer to my family. He is currently on some sort of 'rota' round at their houses every weekend. He is out on visits with them, they offer childcare for him (on the only night of the week that he has our son), or he just goes round having a cuppa.

I am busy mid-week with childcare, work, homework etc. So the weekend is the best time for me to visit my family. And I have times when I need to discuss my worries with them. I am fiercely independent and like to get my head down to sort things when times are tough. However; I have been clinically depressed - so feel vulnerable right now. I have been there for my family anytime when they have needed me in the past.

I wanted my ex and I to sort things out between us and for my family not to have the awkwardness of being stuck in the middle or any arguments. I find myself having to put over 'my side of things' every time I see them.

I am feeling pushed out. My new partner is also feeling awkward as he wants to get to know my family more and this is standing in the way.

I find the attachment between my ex and my family a little unusual. Aren't exes supposed to drift away as the relationship dissolves?

Anyone have any similar experience/or advice? I love my family - but at the moment I feel like giving them an ultimatum.

Thanks,
JohsFlow

zany re ...and they offered my ex support not me - who is 'they^? Is it your family or ex's family? If it's ex's family then that's about right I should think, but if it's your family then.. words fail me again (why can't I put this into words? I am still as dumbfounded now as I was then.)

It's just outrageous isn't it? My family also invited ex to all family do's, whereas I wasn't invited or welcome. Of course my family should keep a relationship going with him for the sake of our kids, but this is just outrageous. I appeciate that it's painful for families to 'lose' someone they had grown to love, but it's bad form to actually buddy up with them, particularly if - as in my case - I left ex because of the abuse. imo a decent ex partner would be careful not to step on the toes of their ex ie would keep back, behave appropriately...

It certainly makes sense of in the end actually marrying someone who is abusive, has no idea of boundaries - it's hardly a new concept for those of us who grew up in families like that.

springy - I agree, the thing is, an exH who maintains a friendship with his former in-laws isn't behaving 'reasonably' so IMO, it's up to the former in-laws to put boundaries is place, and support their daughter, not turn their back on her in order to maintain a friendship with their ex-son-in-law A decent exH just wouldn't do it - why is it ok for parents to encourage it

I will never expect my exH to behave reasonably - i divorced him because of his unreasonable behaviour - but the behaviour of my parents took me aback, and surprised me .

Yes to the boundaries thing. It all makes sense. Parents don't enforce boundaries, we grow up not understanding where they should be and pick an abusive entitled H who wants a DW whom he can push around.

When it all goes wrong H continues to trample over the flowerbeds and parents smile indulgently instead of warning him off.

So we need a "Keep Off The Grass" notice for these men and to explain to the parents that if they care about us they have (just for once) to stand up for us and not give him everything he asks for.

No - it's not going to happen is it?

nope

I do also think that situations vary: for instance (and absolutley not saying this applies to anyone on this thread) if the relationship ended because one partner had an affair, it's not entirely unreasonable for that person's parents to favour the betrayed partner if it was a long relationship. There have been threads in the past from posters who have thrown out a cheating XP and found that the XP's parents were actually mainly sympathetic to the betrayed poster.

Springydafs I mean my own family. If I see my ex's parents out locally they avoid me like the plague. They have ignored me in the past when my DC's were with me, their own grandchildren. Luckily my DC's know the situation and approached them to say HI.

Littlewarm, excellent post. I had an excellent relationship with my ex-in laws however when I separated I gradually moved away so that I was not so actively involved..it was the right thing to do especially as my ex then started a new relationship. It is about appropriate boundaries. A divorce involves many losses and this is one of them..I missed my ex-MIL more than ex:)

For DCs it doesn't has to be sudden or dramatic, it's akin to moving physically away..you keep in contact at birthdays or Xmas.

As a mum now I can't imagine EVER taking my dd's partner's side ahead of hers..If I felt she was at fault I hope I could have the courage to discuss it with her rather than 'punish' her by pretending the break-up hadn't happened (which is what seems to be happening here)

I am new - so what do DS, DCs, and OP mean?

smum - I agree that as a mum, i cant imagine ever rejecting my DD, no matter what she had done. I may not approve, and would certainly expect her to deal with the consequences - but not reject her.

A friend of mine summed it up - even if her Daughter had rampant sex with another man in front of her spouse, my friend would turn her son-in-law away if he sought support from her.

JoFlow - at the top of the page, in blue, between Getting Started and FAQs, is Acronyms - you'll find them all there.

OP - original post, original poster
DS - dear son (DD - dear daughter)
DC - dear child/ren

My children are grown now and tbh I could see one (or all!) of them behaving in a hurtful way towards a potential partner/spouse. I wonder how I would deal with it tbh. I would very probably stick to what is appropriate, given what I have experienced ie I'd keep an ongoing distance of a kind but not an entire distance re I wouldn't blindly support my children, regardless of the circumstances. Ultimately, it isn't my place to get involved on a heavy level, one way or the other. Nobody really knows what goes on in a partnership, though sometimes it's obvious. I have two children who I know for a fact could be hurting their partners and, although I wouldn't get involved, I wouldn't ignore the partner if something happened - though, ultimately, I would be loyal to my own child (even if I gave them hell privately). YOu have to tread a fine line.

My gloriously inappropriate sister (I'm being kind there) has made it a career choice to side with who she deems to be the aggrieved party in a break-up re quite a few times it's been someone who is not family. It's caused no end of trouble though she bleets that everyone is being horrible to her and she can't understand why

Not related to the OP's post, but all my ex-SILs are SILs to me still.

Circumstances have meant I couldn't, even I wished to, take sides.

I have good relationships with all of them.

I think it is fine to still have a relationship with your ex's family, so long as it is not detrimental to your own relationship with them. Which isn't the case in this situation - your family are choosing to put your exH over you. HOWEVER - you don't appear to have been very vocal about disliking this situation and if you haven't laid it out for them then I think you should!

Tell them that you don't mind them staying in contact with your ex but actually you would quite like to see them yourself at the weekend, with your DS and your new DP, as this is the new family unit. Make your feelings plain that you cannot be in the same room as your exH because of his obstructive and manipulative behaviour, and because he is still very angry over the split.

They might be thinking that you're ok with all this, if you've only hinted at the issue - so be bold, speak plainly and see if things change.

Interestingly, I still have a good relationship with my first fiancé's brother's ex-wife (got that? - we had a common "enemy" in our MIL and bonded very strongly over it! I split from him 16 years ago but am still in good contact with my ex-wouldhavebeen SIL!

If they think she's 'ok with this' thumbwitch then they've got a screw loose and to spell it out is pissing in the wind. Talk about the elephant in the room - it's bloody obvious she's not going to be ok with it, surely??

though, as is apparent from my posts on this thread, I was unable to say anything at the time - and am still unable to say anything. I am literally dumbfounded, speechless.

springy - seriously, some people really need stuff spelled out to them in neon lighting to just get it - and JohFlow's family may be people like that! If she hasn't said she doesn't like it, they might have just assumed that she's ok with it - either that or they just like him better, which is just shit.

Desperately trying not to hijack this thread with endless lurid tales of my family's unbelievable inappropriateness for want of a better word, if such a word exists

BUT

my sister has fallen out with her neighbour - neighbour is a bit of a cow, admittedly - and we are all under a death threat to Not Talk To Horrid Neighbour, as to talk to her would be disloyal

Thank you springydaffs for the de-coding.

I do appreciate all comments - thank you ( apart from Cat's judgemental: re: feels like playground - at 36 I left the playground some time ago). I would have thought that a few short comments of dissatisfaction would have been enough to bring about change. My family are usually on the ball intellectually/emotionally. But I seems like Thumbwitch (et. al) have suggested that maybe I do need to spell it out very plainly. I have a chance this weekend to meet up the two family members I think I have to most problems with. I am quite nervous. But I am prepared to say it how it is and see what they have to say. I will present at a family problem which they also need to help resolve.

When my xh and I got together, my parents (DM in particular) treated him like the son they'd never had. They really genuinely loved him and welcomed into their home. He was practical and helpful and my DF called upon him all the time to help him out with jobs around the house. xh's own family lived 500 miles away.

My parents also had strongly held view about marriage, and they were very upset when xh and I split up. I would have loved it if they had supported me and reduced their contact with him, but from their point of view they'd accepted and integrated someone as part of their family and it would hurt them to stop seeing him; they had grown to rely on his practical support and help - just because I was not with xh, why should they losse that support; at a time of emotional upset in the family, my parents wanted to do something to help, and so they offered practical help to xh on the days when he was looking after the dc (they were also willing to help me, but I was more independent).

Some of their help was based on a flawed notion that it was more difficult for a man looking after children on his own , even though both of us were working, but xh didn't have other family nearby, and most of it was based on a genuine relationship that they had built up over the years.

Yes, I did feel a bit 'resentful' at times, but a few years later when I met a new partner, they also welcomed him into their family. And over the years the relationship between xh and my parents did loosen and drift apart. I think they still send him a Christmas card, but not much more now, and in retrospect I'm glad that I didn't fall out with them about it, or force them to change the relationship at a pace that didn't suit them.

Venusandmars: But presumably you and your XH separated for reasons other than him being a violent abusive bully, because if he had been horrible to you then wouldn't it have been distressing for you to see your parents still making nice with him?
I am well aware that sometimes relationships break up with no real fault on either side, and certainly in cases like that it's fair enough for other family members to wish to maintain a relationship with the non-family XP if they had got on well, though it may need careful handling.

Agreeing with Thumbwitch that it's possible the OP's family just don't get what the problem is. My own parents didn't 'get it' either time when both my sisters broke up with their longterm partners. No children were involved, so it was a different situation, but given that the break-ups were intensely difficult in both cases (and in one case involved a horrible legal wrangle about a house), it really didn't help either sister that men they were trying to recover from/sort out a messy legal post-split situation with were continually in close contact with her own parents, invited to the house, and remained part of the family's life.

They meant terribly well - my mother, who is naive about break-ups, was terribly upset when these break-ups happened, and seems to have felt it was 'unfair' and 'taking sides' to cut off all contact with the exes. But the effect was disastrous for my sisters. The OP's situation is different in several ways, but it is (just) possible her fmaily may not be viewing their own behaviour clearly, or assume she's OK with it, and so worth talking it out.

Hope it goes OK this weekend JoFlow