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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

New relationship worries - am I being a dick?

29 replies

PintandChips · 06/11/2011 21:17

I have been seeing a guy from work for a couple of months now, pretty intense, I am single parent of 1ds, he is dad to 3 dcs... It's all completely brilliant and we get on amazingly (he has even said he thinks he is in love with me) BUT he is 30, I am 40. He spends a lot of time with his ex at her house, sleeps over in her bed, and until we started seeing each other they were still sometimes having sex, though I am pretty sure that has stopped. The thing is, he emails and texts me incessantly usually but this weekend, not one peep. He is at her house. before we started seeing each other we were mates for ages and I know he was hoping to eventually get back with her. but I don't think that is her plan.
I am shit scared of getting hurt but I don't know how best to deal with it. He is the most lovely guy who would never lie or be unfaithful. The other issue (deep breath) is that he drinks like an alcoholic. I grew up with that, i won't put up with it now. He knows it's an issue for me. I think it was a major cause of their break up also.
Am I just being a complete dick? Should I just run for the hills?
I am a bit in love. Like a stupid teenager.

OP posts:
RealityIsADistantMemory · 06/11/2011 21:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

hellsbells76 · 06/11/2011 21:19

Run. Like the wind.

RabbitPie · 06/11/2011 21:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnyFucker · 06/11/2011 21:23

what
the
actual
fuck

don't you see all the red flags here?

you typed them out yourself

re-read your post and advise a friend in this situation

then take your own advice

xyz2011 · 06/11/2011 21:27

Fuckin hell!!!
Do yourself a huge favour and run!!!

BearWith · 06/11/2011 21:30

Blimey!! Just run. He's shagging her. Run run run.

Original poster
PintandChips · 06/11/2011 21:32

Oh bollocks.

I knew you'd (all) say that.

Where are the posters saying give the guy a chance he sounds like a winner?

Can't believe I got it so fucking wrong AGAIN.

D minus for boyfriend choice. Am rubbish at this.

OP posts:
buzzskeleton · 06/11/2011 21:33

pretty sure that's stopped? drinks like an alcoholic? he was hoping to get back with her?

Run.

AnyFucker · 06/11/2011 21:35

the only person who might "win" here, is him

mamalovebird · 06/11/2011 21:37

Don't beat yourself up. We all make shit choices. At least you have the benefit of impartial advice on here from people who assess the situation on the facts given.

I'd say, do yourself a favour, nip it in the bud and avoid this relationship. It's got problems written all over it. Not fair for all involved.

Uglymush · 06/11/2011 21:38

Don't beat yourself up about it, but run from this as fast as your legs can carry you!! Everyone is allowed to get it wrong - more than once!!! (otherwise I'm seriously screwed)

yellowraincoat · 06/11/2011 21:40

Get out of there.

Original poster
PintandChips · 06/11/2011 21:41

To be fair, it started off as a bit of fun, pub after work when we both don't have the kids kind of thing, just ended up getting a bit intense and lovey... And I'm much further down the line in terms of being separated. He can't have his kids at his house, he shares a flat with mates. And I drank like a fish at his age so I don't wanna judge. I still do sometimes. Fuck. You are right though.

OP posts:
ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 06/11/2011 21:43

Ohhh :-(
You knew he was a wrong'un really or you wouldn't have asked. It's SHIT when you have such low self esteem that you fucking traitorous brain convinces you you might have found a winner when you really havent. My brain is very convincing too.
Can I give some unwelcome advice? Get away from him and accept that FOR THE MOMENT you cannot trust your own judgement. I've done this and it's very cathartic. Situations arise and you start to think "this is what old me would have done...how stupid."
I really hope you get rid and feel better xxx

Nagoo · 06/11/2011 21:43

I'm sorry but yes you are being a dick :(

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 06/11/2011 21:51

Nagoo - I'm not sure (despite her phrasing) that she's being "a dick" :-(

Original poster
PintandChips · 06/11/2011 21:58

ButWhyIsTheGinGone
You post actually made me want to cry. Which tells me everything I need to know. Thanks. Now where's that book on co-dependency I had...

OP posts:
JohFlow · 06/11/2011 22:00

Don't let yourself be the woman he WASN'T in love with. I am sure he is charming and lovely and a catch. But he has shown he is also not fully available. It's tough - but you are right to listen to your intuition. Tell him how much you are worth and be prepared not to get too involved if he can't meet you on that higher level - good luck !!

maleview70 · 06/11/2011 22:02

I had a post break up relationship like this and it ended very badly and left me very hurt. I would leave now while you can.

fuckityfuckfuckfuck · 06/11/2011 22:03

The thing here is you saying you've picked the wrong guy AGAIN. You need to look at what you put up with, and why you think that's acceptable. I read your OP thinking what the actual fuck?? Why do you think it's ok for someone to treat you like that, to basically be shagging his 'ex' and drink like a fish, and yet still think this is good for you? You do deserve better you know. And as soon as you start believing that you'll stop attracting such cocks and find someone worthy of you.

anothermum92 · 06/11/2011 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Nagoo · 06/11/2011 22:08

I'm sorry, I was being flippant. Blush

OP you are not a dick. You are in your words, being a dick. From this I mean that you are making bad choices in respect of this man.

BWITGG Is being very astute.

I found it telling that your first point about what might be wrong was 'I am 40 he is 30' like it was your ages that were an important issue, rather than the fact he was sharing a bed with his ex and drinking like an alcoholic.

It's not about you, it is about him and his behaviour in your relationship.

Allowing yourself to be swept up by this when you know better is 'being a dick' if we are adopting the OP's terminology.

And you do know better, or you wouldn't have posted :)

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 06/11/2011 22:13

GOOD! That means you know I'm right! :-)
I was going through a horrible period of depression when I started to attach myself to cockish en. I.....might as well be honest now........had been raped and had had a termination (not related) in the period of a year.
I literally CRAVED any attention from males and the second any rotten specimen showed any interest I would desperately try to please them. Usually they just wanted a shag or two, at which point I'd convince myself that that's all I wanted too.
When I did find a man (still a wrong'un) who wanted more - I shut my eyes to MASSIVELY damning facts - like, he wouldnt answer his phone to me during the week - he blocked me on FB as soon as we started seeing eachother, he wouldnt meet my friends, he expected to come to mine Fri and Sat nights, and be fed/treated like a king....I could go on.
All the time my brain was convincing me this was ok, and normal. This is what your brain is doing to you. He WILL be still sleeping will horrible ex. And.....the alcoholic thing is the BIGGEST red flag you can imagine, you know that. I grew up with alcoholism, maybe that's why I attract them!

Please, just be on your own and not even look for anyone. If there's anything I've learned on MN it's that a partner should enhance an ALREADY GREAT LIFE. xxxx

ButWhyIsTheGinGone · 06/11/2011 22:15

Thanks Nagoo - I rarely get called astute! :-D

izzywhizzyspecanpie · 07/11/2011 01:33

I think you should give this most lovely guy a chance... to fuck off to the far side of fuck and, when he gets there, fuck off some more before you put your toe up his arse and launch him into orbit around Planet Offufuck.

We make our own lives; for the sake of your ds, make yours a rich and fulfilling one with people who love and respect you and treat you with the courtesy and consideration you deserve.

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