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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Have you ever been assaulted by a man, be it boyfriend or other?

67 replies

BoobleBeep · 05/11/2011 20:46

I've just counted how many men I've been hit or assaulted innapropriately and I counted 16 altogether, is this a much higher amount than normal? I suffer from bad anxiety, could this be a contributory factor?

OP posts:
antsypants · 07/11/2011 08:19

I am of the same opinion as Molly here, there is a cliche that many (not all) abused women fit into, and it is a cliche because it is true...

I think, especially in your early years, you reflect your upbringing in your relationship choices, I was sexually abused, I chose go be with a boy who was sexually abusive, after spending time with him, I saw that his father was violent, drunk and sexually inappropriate... It's like the saying, not all abused children become abusers, but all abusers have been abused.

Stranger attacks will probably conform to a specific type, so you can't really protect yourself anymore than taking reasonable precautions for keeping safe, it's the constant relationship failures that are the depressing statistics, and there is not enough support of the right kind for women and men who fall into these categories... Ideally you work through it before you have children, sadly many don't and another generation is affected Sad

AnnieLobeseder · 07/11/2011 08:26

Wow, I'm shocked by what some of you have been through and how many twats you've encountered.

I've had one colleague grope me at a work function once. I gave him hell at the time and never spoke to him again.

But that's it.

I guess I've been incredibly lucky.

aurynne · 07/11/2011 08:50

I am also shocked and horrified that so many women have been attacked and abused, not once, but multiple times Sad

I have never been attacked or abused myself, but I would say in some occasions it was down to luck. The time I was closest to being attacked was when I intervened in a DV incident in which a guy was hitting and kicking his W (they were my neighbours). He asked me to leave (so he could go on hitting her) and I refused. He said "well, someone else is going to get hurt here". I still refused to leave that poor woman alone with him. The police arrived just then and probable saved me from having my face rearranged.

I have always been quite bold and challenging to anyone that threatens me, and I truly believe that probably the lack of fear in my eyes, and my resolution that, if I get attacked, I will fight back, has saved me from actually been hurt. I have been told before that I have a scary stare when I get angry. And any man (or woman) who raises a hand to me must be ready for a fierce resistant. As I told one of my ex-BF once, when he was getting too angry for my liking: you better not raise a hand to me, because if you do, at least one of us is going to end up in hospital.

Grumpla · 07/11/2011 08:55

There are some awful stories on this thread Sad

To everyone who has been through these nightmares and come out the other side - you should be proud of yourselves.

It's never a woman's fault. Yes, there may be be men who deliberately predate on women who are insecure, have already been abused, are small / frail - whatever - but that doesn't make it the fault of their victims! Good men could and SHOULD also 'see' or be told those things in a woman's past / personality and instead respond by being extra careful, loving, protective, nurturing of their partner.

And so many sexual assaults are random, opportunistic. All about the attacker's desire to dominate / humiliate "women" not "this particular woman". There's so often nothing a woman can do to prevent a sexual assault - and why should it be her responsibility to do so?

I have never been sexually assaulted but I'm not stupid enough to think this makes me anything other than lucky. So many of my friends have, so many women on here. It makes me fucking furious that we are still in a culture where victim-blaming is the norm. And where so many women feel they deserve the abuse they receive.

Yes, we probably could do more to educate our children to identify unacceptable patterns of behavior in their partners. To have a decent "twat radar". To hopefully protect themselves as much as they can. But until we get a legal system and a media which actively punishes those people who do assault / abuse others I don't see the world changing very fast. Sad

bejeezus · 07/11/2011 09:58

Actually I've been surprised at how many DIFFERENT 'types' of women find themselves in abusive relationships.

Whilst self esteem issues may be a common theme, that can present itself in many different ways or be buried very deep; it dors not make you a 'type' of woman.

Also, in some cases the low self esteem has been caused by the relationship rather than vice versa

crazyhead · 07/11/2011 11:51

I'd never have picked the two people I knew who found themselves with a violent man as a once off. One of them was a highly confident 6ft athlete who could frankly have knocked the block off most men - a bizarre choice if you are looking for someone to intimidate. Both of them did manage to get out of the DV situation quickly but it certainly left both friends doubting human nature, and me believing that this sort of stuff can happen to anyone.

I used to volunteer in a related area, and did speak to a lot of repeatedly abused women who reflected what molly and antsypants said - that certain women get singled out by abusers repeatedly.

It is a horrible irony that having already suffered a lot of crap, a woman should then therefore be on the radar of a certain sort of lowlife who is looking for someone who is easier than most to isolate and abuse.

I suppose that means that if you are one of those women, then for your own sake you have to be doubly as strong as the rest of us - both coming to terms with your past abuse, but also developing an amazing bastard radar that you may sadly need more than other people in order not to be in that situation again.

Just horrible stuff, and my heart goes out to anyone who has been through it

garlicBread · 07/11/2011 17:39

Probably about the same as OP or a few more - but, tbh, random gropes and even assaults haven't really lodged in my memory unless they had some distinctive feature.

When it comes to abusive relationships, I agree that women who were habituated to abuse as children are more likely to pair up with an abuser. However, I think that molly may be missing a trick in that the "abusedness" she sees in her clients is an inevitable result of abuse. They may have been perfectly balanced, self-confident and so forth before being victimised.

That said, my suspicion that there is a "type" more vulnerable to abuse was confirmed by Derren Brown's gripping gaslighting experiment, The Guilt Trip. He chose his 'victim' because there was something innocent about him - Brown said "something of the blank slate". I would say that's been true of me through most of my life: whilst I did have an abused childhood, and was very cynical in some respects, I've always been very willing to take instruction.

If Derren Brown can spot it over two meetings, so can abusers.

WRT attacks by strangers: my father, who knew about such things professionally as well as personally, said the only common feature he could find among female victims was several wore their hair in a ponytail. Easier to pull. Apart from that, which is pretty random in itself, it's all down to whatever crap is in the attacker's head; you can't take precautions against that.

molly3478 · 07/11/2011 18:29

I agree with what you have written garlicbread. I think my thoughts on it coming from a large amount of women saying looking back I was a people pleaser, innocent, poor self esteem etc and I dont think that is victim blaming, as I said it is usually unfortunate life events that caused that out of the persosn control. However I think it is important when a person realises this and they have more control over preventing/minimising chances of it happening again. What some of called on this thread the 'twat radar'.

garlicBread · 07/11/2011 18:57

Yes. I've recently been thinking along the lines of what you and crazyhead wrote above, molly. In emergency situations, I'm proactive - one of the people who changes things, not a bystander. Yet, if someone were to hand me a drink in a pub, saying "Hold that", I would take it. This marks me out, imho, as biddable. To my own mind it all stems from the same thing - desire to be helpful - but they're not the same at all. In the emergency I decide what to do; in the pub I do what I'm told.

I'm working to separate my urge to be decisively helpful from the urge to be passively compliant. It probably sounds dead easy to most readers but, for me, it's a tricky issue! (I'm hoping this post will kick-start my head on it.)

Apologies for derailing, OP.

Avenged · 07/11/2011 20:56

Yes. I was assaulted by 6 blokes when I went to help my ex (we were a couple at the time), after he was knocked off his push bike by them, as we were coming home from our friend's house.

I went over to help my ex up and go home, but once one of them started on me, the rest followed. I then saw red and went ballistic at them. I left one with his jaw broken by a well placed punch, another one was given a good boot and ended up with 2 broken ribs and the 3rd one I managed to land a good punch at wound up with a busted nose.

The other 3 managed to punch me hard on the arms and face, but I just took it and then ran after them when they scarpered. I don't think they were prepared for a 4'10" woman to fend for herself and her BF. Yes I had 2 black eyes, and a severely bruised cheek, but apart from that, I took down 3 of them because they were picking on my BF who was disabled. I don't take too kindly to idiots picking on weaker folk whatever the circumstances.

That's the the only time I've been hit by blokes.

Avenged · 07/11/2011 20:58

and wound up with a busted nose.

Bandwithering · 07/11/2011 21:00

One. My most recent 'partner'. He was abusive in every way imaginable but he thinks he's a great man. he doesn't remember (or acknowledge) that he pulled chunks of hair out of my head, shoved me, hit me, tried to strangle me............. if I said it to him now (I left him years ago) he would act like I was crazy. Sometimes I almost buy into his version of events and 'forget' it all because it's just so bizarre. For everybody but me it's like it never happened.

smokinaces · 07/11/2011 21:05

I was beaten by my father as a child - things thrown at me, smacked so hard my mum had to put cold flannels on us and I'm sure we had days of school for it too.

Then a boyfriend when I was 14 - he used to do things like push me off the bed. Until the bruises got reported to the school when they were noticed as I was changing for PE.

another boyfriend who was an awful bully at 19. He was an emotional bully and manipulator but also physically hurt me. I finally moved away and didnt tell him my new address after 18 months.

and then i was ok. Until the husband of 4 years picked me up and tried to throw me and nearly punched me. First and last time - he left that weekend and I've never looked back.

heleninahandcart · 07/11/2011 21:11

Molly There are known 'hotspots' as such where these abusers target women for the sole purpose of pursuing a relationship with her which descents to abuse.

Would you explain fully please?

namechangeblah · 07/11/2011 21:25

A lot of early experiences, different times and sadly in the 70's it was considered fair game to grab, slap, grop women amongst a lot of people

bf at 18
doctor at 19 - sexual assault
man I knew at 19 - tried to grab me, chased me and I got out
various work related abuse, touching, verbal 16-19
male friend sexual assault - 19
aqaintance sexual assault - 20
slapped - 20
bf rape at 23 who became H
H kicked around for a year at 24

I then mixed with a better kind of man until

male friend rape 51 when I was at a particularly low ebb

xyz2011 · 07/11/2011 21:29

I was assaulted a good few times by exh, he was an alcoholic, however I did hit him back on the last occasion.
The worst assaults were from my mother growing up, fuck if I crunched my cornflakes too loud, I got smacked round the head.
My brother was also in a violent relationship and was stabbed, kicked and punched by his wife. When he left her she turned on the kids and they were taken into care then given back to her.
DV is across the board and doesnt just come from men!!!

Insomnia11 · 07/11/2011 21:47

No, never been hit but like lots of women, have been flashed at, breasts grabbed, bum pinched, verbally abused by strangers or acquaintances.

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