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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married to porn addict - need support. What do I do now?

33 replies

semireg · 30/12/2005 21:20

H is addicted to porn and masturbation. Things came to a head (so to speak) a few months ago and I thought we had sorted it out. Relationship was in a bad way for a long time, coupled with other probs like a bereavement in the family and a certain amount of work stress plus the usual "you never lift a finger in the kitchen" crap. Had sex only about twice a year, a problem I had repeatedly tried to address with him, anyway, when he ("accidently", I dont know)left his porn running on the computeron the kitchen table one sunday morning. I confronted him as was really shocked that he left it where ds (4yo) was very likely find it.wWe had rows and he promised to change and make more effort in the bedroom and the kitchen, which he did for about a week. I also told him if he took such risks again (leaving it where ds could find it, doing it at work) I would leave him. This is not girls in bikinis but full on gynaecology.Anyway, over xmas I found him doing it again. He has been to his gp who prescribed ads and to a sex therapist who also said he has an addiction. Now I don't know what to do. I have told him I want a divorce. I think he has a very risk-hungry and addictive personality, (he takes part in dangerous sports) so do not believe he can change, also his mum who was here at the time seems to think its ok cos his dad was did itt as well. I have been looking for an online support group for spouses of porn addicts but can only find twelve step stuff and other religious ones which is not what I want. Where do I go from here, I can't sleep for the hate filled adrenalin rushing through my veins. Thanks for reading.

OP posts:
NomDePlume · 30/12/2005 21:37

What did the sex therapist say ? What did they suggest as a treatment plan ? FWIW, I do think addicts can recover, whatever their addiction.

Original poster
semireg · 30/12/2005 21:41

Thanks forthe reply. I think therapist was just taking a history and asked him to talk to me about reconiliation as she seemed to think that would have a bearng on how she would proceed.I said no to reconciliation but realise that I am still very very hurt and angry.

OP posts:
7777777 · 30/12/2005 21:44

sorry cant offer advice hope someone else can. id be pretty pisd off that he didnt have the intelligence to hide it from your ds. when you say you want a divorce do you mean it or hoping that it mite give him a kick up the a*se to change. id be interested to know if he does change longterm, cant see it myself but i always was a pessimist!xx

NomDePlume · 30/12/2005 21:45

I understand why you feel the way you do, I think it would be worth giving the therapy a try. TBH, I'd feel like I had to do it for the kids more than anything. Maybe do as others have suggested on other advice threads and give him a deadline sort of thing ? Maybe 6 months to get help and to really apply himself to his treatment, if no improvement or effort is being made by him then maybe you have to rethink the future of your marriage.

Original poster
semireg · 30/12/2005 21:46

I don't know what I want, and thats the problem (the b***d)

OP posts:
beansprout · 30/12/2005 21:48

12 step isn't religious. Just ignore the god stuff you don't like and get the support you need. There are 1000s of people getting help in 12 step programmes who don't believe in anything.

Good luck

7777777 · 30/12/2005 21:48

i cant imagine wot it must be like to live with him, can he be a decent hubby or is he literally permanently on porn when not working. if thats too personal and ive crossed the line please ignore the message.x

ISawFrannyandZooeyKissingSanta · 30/12/2005 21:53

I think whatever you decide re: the relationship, you need some help and support just for you. This is a very hurtful and distressing situation and I would take any therapy / counselling you can get.

Original poster
semireg · 30/12/2005 21:54

77777, he's a miserable f* most of the time tbh, hasn't really got any mates (moved to a new area about 2 years ago,)He used to moan and whine about how much work he had to do and sit in front of his laptop moaning so that I would get peed off and go upstairs and he could have a w&&k in peace (So -called "work"). OTOH, he can put up a mean shelve and fix a dripping tap at 40 paces, which is probably why I am still here...

OP posts:
Original poster
semireg · 30/12/2005 21:56

I know that really F & Z but I can't help thinking "Its your F-ing problem mate, theres nothing wrong with me

OP posts:
notasheep · 30/12/2005 22:02

Sorry-I havent any advice for you as in similiar situation.I know that doesnt help but i am fighting it with you.
Hope you get support for you and look after yourself.Do not feel guilty,hopeless,unworthy.

7777777 · 30/12/2005 22:05

oooh yuk!i went out with a fella who w**d all the time. perhaps youd be better off without him, especially with your ds and if hes such a miserable git anyway. sod the dripping tap, flatter your eyelashes and get someone else to do it! no, seriously now if you love him then get HIM to get the help. like you say you have done nothing wrong, you poor thing, i wouldnt wana live in a relationship like this.x

Original poster
semireg · 30/12/2005 22:06

Notasheep, have you found anyother sources of support or forums for you or him that are non religious? are your working at your relationship or working at your divorce? (you don't have to answer that last one but just pleased to know I am not alone)

OP posts:
notasheep · 30/12/2005 22:16

The reason i am still here with (he is a dp) is that
i dont need him-does that make sense.I am in a very fortunate position that i am capable of supporting dd and ds without him.So i can leave at a moments notice.I check his HISTORY every day and its always blank,surprise,surprise.
Yours sounds so like mine,dp is big on risks,stays out till 3am partying,stays out all night,smokes too much Cannabis.I am sorry but they do NOT change-ok that is my opinion.

I am trying to work at the relationship but the BIG thing in the way is TRUST.I do not trust him one bit with anything.At least dd is old enough to tell me exactly what has been going on if ever i am out.

Everynight when i get into bed the first image i see is a video i saw on his computer screen OMG -our sex life is crap.

Havent found any support groups-maybe we could form one ourselves!!

Thinking of you big time

Original poster
semireg · 30/12/2005 22:28

For me I don't think I can ever have sex with him again (although my major gripe before this came to light was that we never did have sex) because I would just be thinking of all the poison and filth he has filled his head with. I look at him with contempt, and also his mother for condoning it with his dad and thus giving h the message that such behaviour is normal. What frightens me the most is the escalation of porn use, and knowing his addictive personality, the risks this will make him take eg he has admitted to doing it at work (he works in a school), and next thing i think he will be off down the park in his grubby mac. It truly does make me want to vomit. Thanks for listening, its been a help to get it off my chest. I'm off to bed now but NAS, may I CAT you tomorrow?

OP posts:
notasheep · 30/12/2005 22:34

I am here most evenings-another thought i have is how young do the girls get,then do we border on child porn-sick.

Hope you can find some peace,speak soon

ISawFrannyandZooeyKissingSanta · 30/12/2005 22:50

Semireg, I know, I wasn't trying to suggest you have caused the problem at all, I hope you know that, but having this happen to you can poison your self-esteem and your own feelings about sex. Don't let this f*ck you up long term - get any help you can

Original poster
semireg · 31/12/2005 08:31

F & Z, I know you werent suggesting that. I know I need some sort of councelling to help me cope with my anger. I have just looked into the relate phnone councelling service butthey arenot there til wednesday. Happy bloody new year

OP posts:
ISawFrannyandZooeyKissingSanta · 31/12/2005 08:45

If you just want someone to let off steam to, the Samaritans are open 24 / 7. You don't have to be suicidal to phone them. They don't provide counselling per se but they can listen and help you talk it through.

notasheep · 31/12/2005 08:50

semireq-i have been thinking about relate too,may be worth a go as you can go by yourself and everything i have heard about them has been very positive

Hope 2006 is a better year for you

notasheep · 31/12/2005 21:40

Im new to this Mums net lingo what is CAT!

ISawFrannyandZooeyKissingSanta · 31/12/2005 21:50

Notasheep, CAT means Contact Another Talker. Look at the top of the page, you can click on the link and send messages to other MNers (and they can send messages to you if you have the facility turned on on your member profile - hope that makes sense).

Panyanpickle77 · 31/12/2005 22:18

Do you think he has "accidentally" made you aware of this because he wants some kind of interaction/reaction from you? Unless he's looking at something thats particularly disturbing (by which I mean illegal)I wouldnt let it upset you so much (which may be easier said than done). Do you think this could be the tip of the iceburg where your relationship is concerned? I personally think that if I got to the point where I had
"hate filled adrenalin rushing through my veins"
where my DH was concerned then it may be time for some very serious councelling or a trial seperation. I personally think it would be strange if your husband didn't masturbate (just so long as its not at the local pub, in front of your parents or over your new curtains tee hee hee!!! ). He certainly needs to know that its inappropriate to leave it in view of your child (very irresponsible) but I would definately look at the other issues which may be making this situation seem worse.

Panyanpickle77 · 31/12/2005 22:21

. . . . .Having just spoken to my husband he says maybe the problem isn't what you think. It could be that your h is having arousal problems (maybe he's worried about impotence {sorry to be blunt})and is using the porn to see if he can get aroused. If he's only wanted sex twice in the last year then this could be a possibility. Whatever happens good luck,and I hope you can sort things out.

notasheep · 02/01/2006 20:56

semireq how r things?