Married to porn addict - need support. What do I do now?

[semireg]

H is addicted to porn and masturbation. Things came to a head (so to speak) a few months ago and I thought we had sorted it out. Relationship was in a bad way for a long time, coupled with other probs like a bereavement in the family and a certain amount of work stress plus the usual "you never lift a finger in the kitchen" crap. Had sex only about twice a year, a problem I had repeatedly tried to address with him, anyway, when he ("accidently", I dont know)left his porn running on the computeron the kitchen table one sunday morning. I confronted him as was really shocked that he left it where ds (4yo) was very likely find it.wWe had rows and he promised to change and make more effort in the bedroom and the kitchen, which he did for about a week. I also told him if he took such risks again (leaving it where ds could find it, doing it at work) I would leave him. This is not girls in bikinis but full on gynaecology.Anyway, over xmas I found him doing it again. He has been to his gp who prescribed ads and to a sex therapist who also said he has an addiction. Now I don't know what to do. I have told him I want a divorce. I think he has a very risk-hungry and addictive personality, (he takes part in dangerous sports) so do not believe he can change, also his mum who was here at the time seems to think its ok cos his dad was did itt as well. I have been looking for an online support group for spouses of porn addicts but can only find twelve step stuff and other religious ones which is not what I want. Where do I go from here, I can't sleep for the hate filled adrenalin rushing through my veins. Thanks for reading.

I left my (now x) H a few months ago for similar reasons.

It's always been a contentious issue between us but I recently (within last year) found that he'd been viewing whilst minding our daughters. I told him if he did it again, he would be leaving.

He made all the right noises, agreed about how wrong it was to do it when there was any possibility of them seeing, that storing it on the pc was ridiculous given our 3 year old uses it and that he certainly wouldn't risk losing all of us over porn, wouldn't do it again.

I found he'd done it again, several times in fact whilst minding the children. I made him leave and sought counselling. I described the situation with my counsellor (ex social services family worker) in her professional view, what he was doing was "very worrying and could be considered neglectful at least".

I've passworded the pc for when xH is here to visit the children, he obviously can't be trusted to respect them, me or his role as a father.

Notasheep and semireg, I hope your chosen ways of dealing with this work out. I know it's not easy, I struggled with xH for several years re. porn before he crossed this particular line (viewing whilst minding the children). I hope things work out well for you. I feel they have for my DD's and I, considering.

Badger-a great post,my problem is that dp will hopefully have a degree in Computer Science in June,so he now covers his tracks.

I have only found porn on 3 occassions,i was horrified, confronted him he said he wouldnt do it again and did.Now alot of what is going on i am having to assume-but lets be honest i am neither stupid or paranoid.

cannabis is another issue but will need another thread for that.

This porn malarkey seems to be more common than ever.

Notasheep, urgh(!) at the computer sciences factor! I have to admit that though my xH would delete the basic history he didn't delete the 'tif's which is where I came across the final blow to our relationship.

TBH, I don't think I'd have been looking at that stage if I didn't know instinctively where he'd been. Proof just made it easier to confront him because his dishonesty on this matter became unending and he did go to lengths to make me doubt myself (and even my sexuality!), rather than admit.

Porn's more easily accessible now, certainly. Despite this, I found out following my break up with xH that porn (and my father's wish to emulate what he viewed) was also one of the reasons my parents broke up when I was a child.

OMG-how things seem to carry on.
You do sound very well and together badger,hope everything is working out for you.

What are the tifs?

I know what you mean about the sexuality thing,my dp thinks that my lack of sex drive is my problem!!
nothing to do with his behaviour

To access a list of tif's (cookies), including time, date and length of visit to each page you can do the following...

Tools -> Internet Options -> General Tab -> Temporary Internet Files -> Settings -> View Files or View Objects.

There are ways to go deeper into the system, tracks can't really be totally erased though there are ways to make it seem so.

Sorry if you have already tried this!

I'm sorry, I had to give a snort when I read your partner's method of attempting to make this seem down to you. I heard the very same and sadly eventually started to believe him, I suppose it's the age old "if someone tells you something often enough you start to believe". My consellor refers to it as drip-drip abuse, a process of attempting to change and so control someone elses thought patterns and self beliefs. In my case this is what was happening.

I find it so sickening that something I would consider inane and unnecessary (well ok ~ trite yet vulgar and offensive!) brought my marriage down but at the end of the day, it was the trust that was broken beyond repair.

Well and together? Thankyou, but it's really a muddle of good days and bad , definitely feel I and my DD's are moving in a more positive direction now.

Badger-thanks for all that info,glad you are getting to do some talking.
Exactly-at the end of the day its TRUST that is the issue
Off to bed alone,dp asleep on sofa and will be there till approx 3am

Still no sign of semireq

I have just typed a long update but lost it. Wanted to give an update. Thought the advice to try and sort it out for ds was so worth taking on board, but its the hardest bit of parenting I have ever had to do. I have broken the problem down into 3 parts, his addiction, the effect that addiction has on me (feeling constantly rejected/unwanted/resentful) and our relationship. Have spent many days of anger and finally giving way to uncontrlollable sobbing. I am going to phone relate at 9 to try and get a phone appointment as I need lots of support to deal with my feelings. DH has put a block on his computer, and we are going tpo get rid of broadband so if he is spendinh hours on dial up I will soon know about it. But I want everyone to know how evil pornography is it and urge anyone whose partner uses it, even if they think its only a bit of fun, to do someting sabout it NOW. It is addictive, it will escalate, possibly to chat lines, massage parlours and even prostitutes. It robs you of your partner emotionally and physically. It distorts sexual response away from the touch, smell and sound of a real partner so they respond only to visual stimulation and friction. It causes depression, guilt and anger. It prevents intimacy. DH says he has never had an intimate relationshiop because he literally doesnt know how. It wrecks lives, not to mention the lives of the people who actually make it. Do a search for JOe Zychnik, (I cant do links)His website describes my relationship exactly. It describes the risks starkly. DH is going to phone him later, I will let you know how he gets on. I hope I am strong enought o get thriough this. I have just found a pile of cds of the stuff I guess he has been hoarding "just in case" so not a good start to the day, but if we CAN make a good relationship it will be worth it. I hope Nnot a sheep, you find a way through your dilemmas. Pleas look at that website and see if you recognise your relationship in it, it might help.

that should be Zychik. I want everyone to read this guy!