Why does he have to be so mean

[nutcracker]

On xmas day my brother mentioned that they were re-opening the function room in the pub he works in and so there was going to be a NYE party.

I said I would love to go, and db said he could probably get me in free. Cue lots of maoning and 'your not going' from dp.

I just left it in the end, couldn't be bothered.

Then yesterday a friend text me saying she would have loved for us to go out but she couldn't get a babysitter, so I text her back saying to let me know if she got one and we'd definatly go out.
I told dp and he didn't really say much, and I was thrilled at that.

Anyway it seems that he didn't quite understand what i'd said cos now today he has blown his top because I want to buy shoes incase I go out. It's not the shoes he is annoyed about but the fact that I have made plans without consulating him and the fact that he doesn't want me to go.

There is now a right atmoshpere in the air and tbh i feel really devestated that he can be so mean. I never ever go out, mainly because this always happens. I turn down invites all the time because I know he won't like it, but how can he, knowing how much I really wanna go, stand there and argue about it, like I am doing something awful.

The last time I went out was over a year ago.

Looks like we won't be going anyway as my friend still can't get a sitter, but that isn't the point, he has just totally stamped on what I want again.

Maybe you should get out for good and not just for New Year's Eve.

Message withdrawn

Just fed up of it, feel like i'm back living with my dad and even he wasn't that unreasonable.

Clothes too, if i buy a nice top or skirt to wear when we go out together then that is fine he loves it, but if then want to wear it to go out on my own, then thats not fine cos he thinks people will be attracted to me, which is what he doesn't want.

Well we have had an almighty row now

He will not admitt that he doesn't trust me, says it's the men out at the pubs and clubs he doesn't trust.

I argued that I am old enough and ugly enough to stand up for myself, and that Iam not going to spend the rest of my life sat in the living room.

Anyway he still went on and on and i made it ten times worse by saying that if he wanted me to go shag someone else he was going the right way about it. He said well you've got offers (he means the 18 &19 yr old at work).
I also told him that people who said he only wanted me as a trophy when we first got together were right.

Didn't go down well.

He just doesn't get it.

I ended up crying in the bath. Great new year this is gonna be.

Poor you

You must go honey if your friend can go.

I would go with you if I lived nearer you know that.

Lots of love and hugs bloss xxx

Thanks Bloss, your a good mate xxxxx

I have a few couples over during the festivities and I thought that everyone else was sooooo happy. It turns out that hardly anyone is, they are all thinking about leaving their partners someday. It's left me really shaken as my partnership is not perfect. I suspect that if you listen to the good advice given here, you eventually leave this man as he is not making you happy, but at the moment you don't want to be without him cos' you are scared? Don't be. If I am not here, someone else will be.

Nutcracker,

I would suggest you get hold of a book called "Why does he act like that - Inside the minds of angry and controlling men" by Lindy Bancroft.

He is both angry and controlling.

You are being controlled and he is using this power and control as a form of abuse against you. You are not his prisoner/slave and you have every right to go out. I would think he acted the same to his ex wife as well I am sorry to say. Such behaviour is often deep rooted and learnt.

If your children are seeing this as well this will have a deleterious effect on them because they will grow up thinking that such behaviour is normal going onto try to control their own partners.

He needs to sort out his own issues re power and control now because if he does not this will escalate, it will certainly not get better without him fully wanting to address why he acts like this. If he does not or cannot address this then you will carefully have to consider your own future with him. You're 27 and you really do not want to spend the rest of your life like this. You're only young once and you're a long time dead.

not read all of this but just want to add my sympathies. my friend goes through the same thing all the time. her dp goes out saying, you can go bingo tomorrow with bubbles, tomorrow comes, i get excited and then she phones and says he's volunteered to work so can't mind her ds. he once told his mum not to babysit too so she couldn't go out. this has happened around 20 times in the last year. thursday was the last time, i now expect it so don't bother telling my dp that i'm going out but she still gets really disappointed, you'd think she'd be used to it by now. I would hate to be in a relationship like that. does your dp go out?

nutcracker - you say you ahve been together for ten years - since you were 17 and he was 37. (Not commenting on the age difference as my parents have a large age gap between them and are very happy) Has he always been like this since you were 17? if so, no wonder you feel like life is passing you by and that you want a social life without him. Do you really never ever go anywhere as a couple? Does he really not want you to every go out without him yet not want to take you out??
If you were reading this about someone else?s life, what would you suggest to them??
Maybe 2006 needs to be the year of making some tough life decisions xx

that last smiley emoticon was a "sympathetic, I know how it feels a little, cheery up kind of , friendly grin" not a making light of it all out of place smile IYKWIM!

Morning, thanks for all the messages.

We have been together since I was 18 and he was 38.
We 'met' on the cb radio. I was living at home with my dad and my brothers and had just left college having failed the course I was doing. I had no real friends to speak of and was getting in with a pretty dodgy crowd in another area. I was also having eating probs and was bordering being anorexic.

The woman who I babysat for, also used the cb and she arranged to meet dp at a pub with hers and his kids. Then she invited him round one night and I was there.
I must add, at this point I didn't know how old he was and also didn't know he had kids.
I will be perfectly honest and say I didn't even fancy him. He was funny, made me laugh and that was that.
The next day the woman i babysat for rang me to say he fancied me. I wasn't bothered either way tbh. I spoke to him later on that day and agreed to go out for a drink. We did and it all just sort of snow balled from there. A concerned friend told me a few days later exactly how old he was, and that he had 2 kids but I felt it had gone to far then.
2 weeks later I moved in with him, and the rest is history.

He wife was in the middle of divorcing him when we met, and it only occured to me recently that for a while he was probably still seing her when he started seeing me. He denies it but I don't think I believe him. He adored his ex -wife, and was quite obviously still in love with her for a long while after we got together. From what I can work out he treated her a hell of a lot better then he treats me. She left him for another bloke and so I suppose he thinks he treated he well and got crapped on so why bother again.

He has no friends, not close ones anyway. He doesn't go to works parties, days out or anything. Doesn't even go to the pub for a quick drink. He says he doesn't want to, he only likes it if we go out together.
We don't go out together alone hardely ever because tbh I find it boring. We go out occasionally as a family but he moans all the way through it and so that has got rarer and rarer too.

He says he trusts me but but is obvious that he doesn't and never has.

I never really thought of it as controlling because in alot of ways I control him. He is awful with money (house was repossessed) and so I control all money, his and mine and he knows that it stays that way or else there is no 'us'.

On this issue though I always give in and don't go cos I can't stand the moods, sulking, shouting and him being generally foul. I do it to keep the peace, which I know is making it worse, because he expects it then.

I told him last night that he is really pushing me in the direction he is so worried I am going to go anyway, and he just took that as me saying I want to go shag someone else.

I told myself the other day that this year was going to be the year where I put myself first for once, but I know it won't ever happen. This time next year I'll still be in the same place with the same person, cos the alternative is too scary.

Ooops, didn't mean to write an essay.

oh, nutty
I really hope 2006 is a happy year for you.

Thanks LTH, unfortunatly I have become quite pesamistic about anything to do with my life now.

If my life has changed for the better this time next year, then i will be utterly amazed.

Good luck with you house move

Nutty

You really need to start putting yourself first,do you have any children together ??

I must confess I really thought for a minute that hadit's thread yesterday was yours, you need to sort this out for once and for all.

We have 3 kids 8, 6 and 3.

Nope i'm not i'm not hadit, i thought that was someone else actually, think i was wrong though.

I know things aren't right but tbh i'm all our of ideas and effort, cos nothing ever changes whatever I do.

Will have to post more later, am supposed to be bathing the kids.

How aobut getting dressed up for an evening in with dp and then sneaking out when he goes to bed early??

Seriously it does sound to me that, with the age gap, he's worried you'll find someone younger and fitter, so he thinks by keeping you in or with him all the time you won't have that opportunity. Perhaps you need to show him that the more he restricts you, the more likely it is that he will lose you.

Hiya

You know what I think! He doesn't own you and you have every right to go out. FGS you only want to go out once every 6 months hardly a crime is it!
The rest of the time you are at home doing everything so deserve a break IMO

This still can be your year you know.

Bloss xxx

nutty, your last long post made me feel so sorry for you. You sound so unhappy. I know that you have great kids - have read previous posts - but there has to be more to life than bringing up three lovely children. You are worth it, you do deserve to put yourself first and your dp should respect you as a woman and support you as a partner in achieving this.
I truly hope that 2006 will be the year that will make the difference in your life, nutty and that this time next year you will be typing about how proud you are of all you have achieved, how happy and settled you feel and what a fantastic year you have had. You CAN make all of that happen. If you can give birth three times and bring up three wonderful children, then you can organise a social life for you and put yourself first now and again. xxxxx

• just reread my post - when I say I feel sorry for you, I don?t mean it in a patronising way, just that my heart goes out to you. I must start reading before posting and not feeling so insecure that I have to explain everything I type AAARRRGGHH - doing my own head in here!!

It's ok xmaspud, i know what you mean. Your last post brought tears to my eyes.

I know it's only me that can change it but I don't think I can.

We have just had another row about it. He's main reason he says is that he worries that I will get attacked or something, but i think that is rubbish to be honest.
The phrases 'you are bringing up kids' and 'you have a family' also slipped out, and I think these are the real reasons. He thinks I should be a mum and a 'wife' and thats it.

Makes me so sad to think of how my life could have been.

I am working later 3-7 and I would appreciate it if this were kept out of active convos just incase dp goes searching.

Also for those that have me on their msn list, dp will most probably be on at some point whilst I am at work and I would appreciate it if this wasn't mentioned.

Thanks xxx

Sorry also meant to add that I would prefer if no one CATed me about this as it goes to my main email addy and so dp can read it.

Sorry to see you are having a sad time. Only you can sort this out, which is a tough realisation. He is trying to control you by whatever means he can and wants you to behave in a certain manner that he finds acceptable.
I think most normal people would think that it was extremely unfair for him not to "let you out" or to make life so deeply unpleasant if you do go, that it is simply not worth it.
I was married to one of these controlling, bullying men and I think it is fair to say that very few of them are going to change, it is simply not in their interests to do so - you are the only one who can do the changing.
Enormous hugs to you - sorry it has all come to a head today.