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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Hands up - who has depression!

32 replies

ConfusedGirlSuz · 03/11/2011 22:54

Hi all. I need some help.

I?ve been suffering with depression since March-April time. I take ADs and have been to counselling (although I don?t go anymore).

I just NEED SOME HELP. I feel like I am drowning in my own thoughts. I just want to stay at home, in bed. I hate having to see people, I hate going to work - and the main direction of my hate at the moment is my boyfriend. I HATE that he doesn?t understand. When the tears come on I can feel that he?s rolling his eyes - looking up at the sky - and I feel that he wishes I was someone else. When I look at him and his face is like, ?Oh please just stop it? - I can feel my blood pumping down my arms - desperate to expel these feelings. I feel very alone and scared. Sometimes, when I close my eyes I wish that was that. I just really need a bit of advice.

I don?t want this to beat me but I?m suffocating. Just looking for someone who?s been through it all can tell me it will all be ok and it?s worth sticking it out - Thanks in advance Suzi xx Thanks

OP posts:
FruitloopSalad · 03/11/2011 23:14

You're not alone. I could have written that post a couple of years ago! You can get past it - even when it all seems utterly hopeless. Have you tried CBT?

Don't forget the depression can skew your views of what others think - so your boyfriend probably isn't reacting the way you think (and if he were, he would need to buck his ideas up or get lost!). But it's hard for others to understand so try to keep communicating. Tell him what he can do to help - even as simple as if you're having a meltdown, he can make you a cup of tea - small but might make him feel better and you can see he has at least recognised it. But you are definitely not alone and you can definitely get through it!

Iodine · 03/11/2011 23:16

Hi Suzi,

Didn't want to read and run. I'm afraid I can't tell you that it will all be ok because I am walking down the same long, dark tunnel and havn't emerged from the other side yet. But I do have faith that it will, sometimes I even think I can see a little light.

Stay strong x

squeakytoy · 03/11/2011 23:52

You can get past it. Not overnight, but definately over a period of time.

Sometimes partners can seem unsupportive, but it is also very difficult for a partner to live with someone who has depression, as often the illness can make the person who is depressed read a lot more into things than are there.

I am not saying your bf is unsupportive, or that he is supportive...he could also be struggling to know how to help you too, or he could be an arse who doesnt understand how debilitating depression can be.

My husband found counselling to be much more effective than medication when he had a breakdown after his dads death. It took a year for him to be fully recovered, but we got there in the end.

helendigestives · 04/11/2011 00:02

[raises hand]

garlicBread · 04/11/2011 02:37

Hand up here. I'm too tired to write you a proper reply (I go nocturnal when depressed) and have been deep-diving in my unconscious mind, which is bloody knackering. Will write more later.

Instant advice: affirmations; meditation.

Hang on and rest up! xxx

aurynne · 04/11/2011 03:05

I don't have depression but I had a partner who had it, and it is one of the hardest times I remember in my life. Seeing him lose hope, stay in bed all day, refuse all my attempts to help... Whatever I tried to do, it was never enough, whenever I expressed happiness, he attacked me ("yes, it is easy for you to be happy, you don't have depression!"), whenever I was sad, I got attacked too ("you have no idea what being truly sad is!"), whenever I tried to help, it was never the right thing to do, and if I left him alone, I was "abandoning" him. I had no right to express any feeling, or to contradict him on anything.

I have no doubt that depression means going through hell. But being the partner of a depressed person is close to it too.

He is there, by your side. If he did not love you, I guarantee he would have left a long time ago. He just can not understand you, unless he has depression himself... but not being able to understand you is not his fault. There is nothing he can do to "get" depression. He can just be there for you, and he is human.

I hope you beat the black dog soon and you can enjoy life and your partner again.

DMAGA · 04/11/2011 05:15

So sorry to hear about this - depression is a horrible, horrible thing, which IME can only really be understood by someone who has suffered from it. Do you know if something has triggered it ie is it reactive depression? Mine was caused by a toxic work environment and once i left i got better very quickly. So if there is a cause, the best way to recovery is to remove the cause/trigger if that is possible. My view is that it is like a nasty dose of flu, debilitating and wipes you out but does get better. I found it useful to focus on tasks. Try to do one or two tasks a day so you feel a sense of having achieved something, however large or small. I also found cooking therapeutic - is there something that you used to love doing which you can bring yourself to do which might help? Read the Pig of Happiness, I found it uplifting and if you google it you can find out all about the author who suffered from serious depression, but came through the other side. Good luck!

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 04/11/2011 07:46

Just hang on that little bit longer. It will get better. The painful feelings you have now are there and need to be felt, but they will pass.

Instant advice in addition to garlic 's suggestions: exercise. and force yourself to schedule social outings.

cardio-vascular exercise + hanging out with nice people = happy feelings.

ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 04/11/2011 07:47

also: regular, healthy meals.

Clean living really does help get you out of your own head.

ConfusedGirlSuz · 04/11/2011 10:36

Thank you, thank you and thank you again for all your replies. I appreciate all of your advice and reassurance.

Yes. I can see how I am making life hard for him. But it's all so complex. My depression was caused by family. {In a nutshell I found out and had to tell my Mum my dad was cheating on her with various men - and they have subsequently divorced. He doesn't know I know} and that really is just the tip of the iceberg.

Lots of general 20-something crap as well - I'm sure you can all imagine. Freindships changing - "stuck in a rut" job and then cherry on the cake -boyfriend and I have just moved in. So depression+usual moving in frustrations. I am trying to be a good girlfriend. He is a good boyfriend but he's just not emotional - I guess he's hard if he can't even relate.

In my heart of hearts I do know what I have to do. I need to be strong. Go out, see my friends, slap a smile of my face - 'faking it' it just sometimes so exhausting isn't it?

Anyway the weekend is ahead of us - fingers crossed no tears and no plans for a suspiscious gas leak haha...

Thanks again ladies and gents for your wise words :) Suze xxx

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garlicBread · 04/11/2011 13:23

Blimey, no wonder you're depressed. Sometimes your mind/body goes "Urgh, too much processing! Stop everything, right now." Being a geek, I think of this as like a computer hang - you're trying to use more than 100% of CPU. The only thing to do is reboot and then run the processes more slowly, one at a time.

If you're feeling crippled by self-doubt, fear and/or lack of confidence, here are some things that helped me in the beginning. You'll need a notebook, or a new folder on your computer, some smallish cards (physical) and a small book for your handbag.

In your notebook:
? Write down fifteen really grood things about yourself, with examples.
? Write down five things you really must do each day - include small things like 'brush teeth'.
? Write ten more things you need/want to do each day, but aren't life or death. Be rigorous with this: housework doesn't belong on this list, neither does painting your nails and so forth.
? Write fifteen really good things about your life as it is now.
? Write fifteen things you really enjoy doing, however small or neglected (Mine included automatic car washes, jumping in piles of leaves, swimming and chopping veg.)
? Write five affirmations that are important to you. These are statements that you can use as guiding principles, and they can be negative in content - one of my standbys is "There's nothing wrong with being sensitive", for example. Others are "I am competent" and "I'm okay, thanks."

On your postcards:
? Write a few of your "Good things about Me", good things about your life and all five of your affirmations on the cards. Either stick them on a wall - one you see all the time - or keep them in your bag and look at them often.

Your small book:
? Is for compliments :) Whenever anyone says anything nice about you, write it in the book. Keep it with you at all times.
? When you do something you really enjoy, jot it down. It will be good to read them next time you feel bleurgh.

Use your notebook:
? Check off your list of five essentials each day. This gives you a sense of achievement. Everyone who's had depression knows that brushing your teeth, eating a meal and going outdoors can be a full day's wotk sometimes. You need to see that you're achieving what is absolutely necessary, and give yourself a hi-five for doing so.
? Read the thirty good things about yourself and your life each day. You can update them as and when.
? Dump your thoughts and feelings - anything you feel like dumping; it really does help. Frame them as letters, if it feels right.
? Try to answer your 'dump' as a friend. Be sympathetic, compassionate, and look at ways to resolve problems.
? Always write at least one good feeling - however small, there will be something that gave you pleasure each day.

Here's a book for your partner: "Living with a Black Dog"

You'll be OK.

ConfusedGirlSuz · 04/11/2011 14:33

In a weird way thanks. Sometimes I feel like I have "no excuse" to be depressed.

But I suppose that is quite a life changing event - and then as you can imagine, subsequently my self esteem and trust in regards to men is SHOT. Which is the a reason for the depression if that makes sense.
I'm scared of him - and how vulernable I am IE being in love with him. I constantly checking up on him etc - which is such a horrid way to live your life but, is it any wonder.

Thank you so much for the notebook tip. I think that'll be really productive. I can go to Paperchase tomorrow - any excuse!!

Thanks again xx

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CailinDana · 04/11/2011 15:05

You don't need an excuse to be depressed. It's an illness. Going out and forcing yourself to do things when you're ill is a bad idea. Take things slowly, go easy on yourself, let yourself get better.

I've been there and I'm wayyy out the other side thank god. I was so depressed a few years ago I simply couldn't get out of bed, having a shower reduced me to panic and tears, I hardly ate and I seriously considered ending it all. My family was much like your bf, useless. My DH put no pressure on me, let me talk endlessly and just gave me space to get well. I know I may suffer from it again but I've been clear of it now for over two years and I am doing really well, so it can happen, I promise.

The one sensible thing someone other than DH said to me when I was suicidal was "Ok, you want to end it, but you don't have to do it right now, do you? Have a cup of tea instead and do it later." Such weird advise but really pulled me back from the edge. I went and had a cup of tea, fell asleep and no longer felt like ending it when I woke up.

I found talking really helped - just endless talking about the same thing over and over. I talked to DH but I also talked to the Samaritans -their number is 08457 909090. They will listen and listen no matter what you have to say and you can scoop some of the madness out of your head for a while. That's how it felt to me anyway.

I know it's horrible. Hang in there, and keep posting if it helps.

JinxAndFluff · 04/11/2011 15:27

I wish I had had this sort of place to ask questions on when I became ill in 2005. Unfortunately as Squeakytoy said I was married to the "arse who didn't understand how debilitating depression could be". We divorced last year. But way back when things were really bad, I felt so worthless, guilty about being "useless", unsociable, pointless...all the typical emotions that go with this horrible illness. My relationship undoubtedly didn't help matters. I hope that your DP stays with you, works with you, talks with you to any health professional you ask him to.

I was "saved" by a fantastic GP, who gave me access to as much NHS help as I needed, great CPNs and psychiatrists. Oh and my mum, who literally got me out of bed and into the shower, day in day out. You will heal, but in your own time. I had to have my meds adjusted over a 3 year period before things gradually started working. Try to keep talking to people who can help, whether friends or professionals. I actually started doing volunteer work for a mental health charity once I was capable of functioning again, and it really helped me. Above all, try not to worry and be kind to yourself.

ConfusedGirlSuz · 04/11/2011 16:32

Thank you all again for your advice. My Mum has been amazing too. But naturally she's a very optimistic person and as we've said - if people can't relate - they're pretty useless. This is why I've decided to post here. It's better to talk to people who have actually been there and understand. It's all nice to hear that so many of you are out the other side. Gives me hope :)

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wicketkeeper · 04/11/2011 17:12

Like an earlier poster, I've never suffered from depression, but my DH does. I still don't understand fully how it must feel, but I found it very helpful to read up on the subject - maybe you could suggest some books for your boyfriend? 'Living with the Black Dog' by Caroline Carr is specifically aimed at the partners of people with depression.

One of the things that helped my DH the most (when he was off work due to depression and I was working full time and he couldn't cope with getting off the sofa to do anything but felt bad because he wasn't doing anything around the house) was the idea of 'one job a day'. Basically, I would give him one job a day to do - at his worst, it might have been 'empty the dishwasher', as he got better it might be 'sort out the understairs cupboard'. It helped us both - I stopped expecting things to be done and then being disappointed/cross, and he could feel good about getting something done without feeling bad about not getting everything done. And some days he would do his one job, and then manage to do a bit more as well.

ConfusedGirlSuz · 04/11/2011 21:38

Yeah. I am still going to work just. Most mornings I think - shall I/shall I not. But I do generally feel better once I?m there. I think it?s good just to keep posting - I can?t talk to him. He just gets annoyed. I?ve bought him the books that were suggested in the above posts. Fingers crossed he looks at them. Get to see my Mum tomorrow too. Which I?m really excited about. Thanks for listening/reading. Really appreciate your posts xxx Thanks

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FabbyChic · 05/11/2011 11:06

I have suffered with depression for 7 years, it got so bad I had a nervous breakdown at work 7 years ago and left and moved me and my kids 110 miles away to start a new life. Since being here I initially had mild depression then it turned into severe depression whereby I did not leave the house for three years other than to walk my dog, I couldn't work and every day was a struggle for survival. After my last breakdown two years ago I changed my medication since then I have been on the road to recovery, I am better now than I have been for 7 years, I hold down a full time job of 40 hours per week and live alone after my youngest went to University. I have no social life but that is because I have never met anybody here to be friends with. I just work and come home, but Im happy alone and in myself.

I also have Borderline Personality Disorder and anxiety issues.

I have felt over the past few weeks that the depression was coming back, but I fought it because I don't want to die, I want to see my youngest graduate and grandchildren in ten years if they have them.

I hate people who say pull yourself together, that is not possible, unless you have suffered you can in no way understand the depths of despair depression causes.

FabbyChic · 05/11/2011 11:12

It feels like you are in a big black hole think of a well, that is dark and you cannot get out, that you are there sitting huddled in a corner and when you look around you it is dark and dank and small, and that in order to get out of the depression you have to climb out of the well with your bare hands, and that you try to climb the walls but as you do so you keep slipping back to the bottom. That is depression when you are climbing you are having a good day, when days are bad you have slipped back to the bottom again.

Or, you are in a tunnel and it is dark and at the end of the tunnel is a tiny pin prick light, as you get better the light gets brighter but on bad days the trip to the light seems so far.

Or, you are in the sea with no life jacket on and you are treading water, on good days you can swim, on bad days you are drowning and feel that you cannot breathe and will not make it, and it seems as if you would be better off no longer fighting so you drown and are dead.

ConfusedGirlSuz · 07/11/2011 10:39

Morning ladies - hope you all had a lovely weekend :)
Just thought I'd let you know I had a good weekend. No sign of the 'black dog'. So therefore boyfriend seems happier - which in turn helps me.
Wanted to thank you again for your replies - I showed him some of them; which I hope helped. I'll keep posting this week - It's good to keep 'talking'.
Have a lovely Monday xxxxx

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droitwichmummy · 07/11/2011 10:51

So pleased you had a good weekend. You had some really good advice on here (I'm borrowing it too!)

I agree that writing your feelings down helps. I started a blog a couple of days ago for the same reason - do whatever you need to. If you follow your own instincts you are unlikely to go far wrong

ConfusedGirlSuz · 07/11/2011 11:23

I know. So please I posted in the first place - Advice has been priceless!! The notebook idea especially. Keep talking - you can share my thread :)
Lots of love and happy thoughts to you xxx

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JinxAndFluff · 07/11/2011 12:25

BTW, you said you were on ADs. I don't know how long its been, but do bear in mind you might have to try to persuade your GP to review them if you don't think they are working as different types do work differently. Prozac did zip for me, in fact I felt it made me flatter, whereas Seroxat did work.

As a lovely reading tip for you, Gwyneth Lewis's "Sunbathing in the Rain" is great. I think she was the welsh poet laureat. Check out what it says about it on the amazon site - one reviewer mentions feeling like a curled up frozen prawn when they had depression - I thought that was so true!

I read a lot about depression...but then I found I really wanted to talk about what I had read and it was finding the person to do that with that was the problem. My ExP 'made me feel' that I was going on and on about it and that he could not be less interested.

ConfusedGirlSuz · 07/11/2011 13:20

Yep I've been on Sertraline since April. Maybe it is worth talking to the doctor about reviewing. Yeah that's how my boyfriend can make me feel. Last week - when we were having our "nighmare week" he told me that he was losing patience with me. That really upset me. He made me feel like a toddler, playing up. I think he reckons I choose to feel depressed - Just annoying when you love someone so much and they just can't grasp what your going through xxxx

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takingbackmonday · 07/11/2011 15:34

Confused - I am in a similar situation and have been since June. A lot of this is down to the end of the only relationship I've ever cared about. I am still painfully in love with him and we've started talking a lot and I spent a weekend with him but it only made it more painful -he's moved on and I'm just something to amuse him when I visit before he carries on with his own life. I know this but my self esteem is so low and self hatred so intense that I take any scrap of affection I can. I work in a terribly industry and have had to resign from a job i LOVE today because of the backstabbing nature of it. I've also just started a PhD and it'sa terrifying lonely world. I cant see for tears most of the time, I have no interest in food or people and am drowning in my own agony. I think it's karma, I deserve it somehow. On 20mg Citralopram but isnt working. I just want to disappear.