Hands up - who has depression!

[ConfusedGirlSuz]

Hi all. I need some help.

I?ve been suffering with depression since March-April time. I take ADs and have been to counselling (although I don?t go anymore).

I just NEED SOME HELP. I feel like I am drowning in my own thoughts. I just want to stay at home, in bed. I hate having to see people, I hate going to work - and the main direction of my hate at the moment is my boyfriend. I HATE that he doesn?t understand. When the tears come on I can feel that he?s rolling his eyes - looking up at the sky - and I feel that he wishes I was someone else. When I look at him and his face is like, ?Oh please just stop it? - I can feel my blood pumping down my arms - desperate to expel these feelings. I feel very alone and scared. Sometimes, when I close my eyes I wish that was that. I just really need a bit of advice.

I don?t want this to beat me but I?m suffocating. Just looking for someone who?s been through it all can tell me it will all be ok and it?s worth sticking it out - Thanks in advance Suzi xx

A close friend of mine who had studied psychology once said to me that she thought it could be more difficult for someone to live with someone who suffered from depression, than with someone who had addiction problems, say to alchohol (it was a wierd discussion...). She thought it would be easier to 'see' the empty bottles, see that there were specific tangible issues...whereas with depression, its so 'unseeable' for the person who isn't going through it. Not sure why I mention this as a comparison, but it kind of stuck with me.

What does it mean, look like, they can't begin to imagine what it must feel like. Just like it is truly tough to imagine what someone going through severe bereavement is feeling. Doesn't mean you don't need them to try and it is true that a huge amount of patience on their part is needed.

You might also want to post on the 'Mental health' thread to get some further feedback generally?

Taking Back Monday :( my love. It's just so exhausting isn't. I'm exhausted with feeling sad, with crying, with thinking awful thoughts - things I dont even mean. It just eats away at you. Before I wake - I open my eyes and sometimes I can just feel it. There. Black and just takes the joy out of everything. Even the best, amazing things in my life - ie the relationship with my boyfriend you try to sabotage because I can't believe I deserve him. I keep waiting to find out he's been cheating on me. You don't believe the good you can only see the bad. Private message me if you'd like - maybe we can help each other :) Chin up poppet xxx

It's an all consuming darkness coupled with physical pain and total numbness, if that makes sense. I'll pm you when I go home, camped out in a coffee shop trying to work now. How old are you Suzi?x

How are you getting on ConfusedGirl? Assume you are PMing with takingback? Hope today is a good day. Its lovely and sunny here just now, autumnal leaves, nearly the weekend. All good points. Hopefully maybe you have something nice planned for the weekend, even just one thing (or maybe a whole shedload!!)..

Aw thanks for the check up :)
Woke up and initially felt awful. Didn't want to go to work and felt so low - but work has cheered me up slightly. Trying to keep charging forward, through the darkness. Will write longer post in a bit (bet you can't wait) haa! But at work :( Thanks again really appreciate being 'looked after' by you all.
Suze x

Hi ConfusedGirl

I suffered with depression through 2009 and much of 2010 following a stressful period in my life. I am now mostly out of the dark, but have a tendency to slip back into it if things aren't going right. Fortunately it's now easier to come out the other side than it was when I was ill. A couple of things really helped me recover:

• getting signed off from work for a while. I know you say that work has cheered you up today, but I found the pressure of going in and pretending to be OK very difficult. I was signed off by the GP and instantly started to relax for the first time in years. I didn't sit in bed/at home or anything whilst off, I made myself get up and be dressed by 9 am, and made sure I went out every day - for a walk/to a museum/to watch a film or something very simple but pleasurable. After a few weeks of this it was like someone had hit a reset button on my brain and all the swirling, introverted thoughts calmed down.

• exercise. This was the biggest thing for me in my recovery. I started off walking, then doing wii-fit at home, and then joined the gym. I now go most days (not this week as am ill, and it's very boring) and find it really helps my mood. My consultant described it as "an emotional enema" which, whilst a bit revolting, I rather like as a concept. I now find that if I am getting into a low mood a concerted effort at the gym will help sort me out.

• therapy. I was a bit dismissive of talking therapy as I felt it was a bit happy clappy but on DH's insistence I went to a therapist. The first one I saw was awful, but I now see a saint of a man who challenges the way I think about things and my perceptions of the world. I'm sure some people wouldn't get on with that kind of therapist but he works for me, whereas the woman who cocked her head, looked at me and let me whinge for hours did nothing for me. I still see my therapist now, and probably will for some time as he is helping me through the issues that got me to my breakdown, and it's a long old road.

I felt that I had no reason to be depressed - good job, lovely DH (who got me through the worst times, he's my hero), comfortable life etc - but I now realise that it's an illness that you can't rationalise. It's not being unhappy, it's a chemical imbalance in the brain. Once I stopped beating myself up about being depressed I found that I was able to start my recovery process.

Aw thank you so much A Fish. It is such a delight to speak to people who have been there, done it and got the black dog t-shirt and to read what they have done to get there. I have thought about having some time off work - but at one point it was all I had. Sometimes it is exhausting to have to fake normality. On Tuesday I just couldn't do it. I'd been crying all night (more like wailing) and I woke exhausted and dehyrdated. I did feel better for a day off. And lots of people have suggested exercise - I have been running - but recently moved house and as we all know sometimes going for a run just slips to the bottom of the 'To Do' pile - am going to make a really effort to go to some Zumba classes next week. Thank you for all your posts - I am so pleased I started this thread - I don't know where I'd be otherwise :) :)