How to end an emotionally abusive relationship when feeling so unable to?? (sorry long)

[CookieMonstersCousin]

How does one find the strength to leave an emotionally abusive relationship?
I feel quite isolated in my life, my parents live in another country and my mother is ill so I have choosen not to tell them the full details, I have few friends especially where we are currently living and the friends I do have want me to leave. DP and I had planned to move to France next year but the thought terrifies me now, neither of us speak much French (me better than him), I would be financially dependent on him as I would be leaving my job (it would be difficult to find work in France due to language issues) and if our relationship broke down whilst our there our DD would become residentially habituated in France thus DP could block my attempts to return us to the UK. Finally I would be even more isolated than I am now.

I find it so hard to assert myself and tell him what I want as he will throw it back in my face by telling me I'm being selfish and that things between us would be good only if I 'chose to be happy' as if its a fucking condiment to put on my dinner!!

Many of our problems stem from our sex life, which I haven't told anyone about before as I am so embarressed and ashamed that I find myself in this situation (hence why I have so few friends I can't really share my true life with people). We initially had a great sex life but in 2005 he had an affair which resulted in a pregnancy, he kept this from me for several months. During this time I knew something was up and had 2 incidents in which I became blindingly drunk and according to him was physically and verbally aggressive (this is so not me in normal life). We broke up soon after these incidents and then he told me about the affair, he thinks that if I hadn't become drunk we would have stayed together and worked through the affair. We got back together 9 months later and things were good again for a bit but he has always been interested in 3-somes and exhibitionism. I had agreed to explore this so far with him (ie having a naked cuddle with his best mate and that was all) but this never satisfied him and he kept on wanting more. As a result I have withdrawn from him completely. Now that our DD (2.5) is here, we don't have a sex life anymore and I can't really enjoy sex He has accepted our almost celibate lifestyle but compains about it and has asked me for my permssion for mistresses. I've felt so low and trapped that I have agreed; for all I know he is sleeping wiht someone but he denies it. I know we both deserve relationships with people whom we can have a fullfilling sex life with.

He can be very emotionally manipulative when he wants and his love/liking of me is so conditional. He doesn't like it when I wear glasses and feels this changes my personality (although he likes me current pair) he often tells me I've got Aspergers or Autism because he points to my poor communication skills (ie I'm lazy and replying to emails and don't chase friends for contact with them), he uses computer analogies to describe our relaitonship ie I need a reboot, he's in 'save mode' as he feels he needs to be guarded in his feelings for me. Really I could go on all day at all the little things that have built up over the last couple of years to where I am but I just don't hknow where I will find the strength to leave him. We've had counselling but he decided after 4 session that it wasn't working. He's committed to moving to France and wants me to go but I can't....I just don't know how I will be able to tell him so without the guilt making me back down. Help??

How to end an emotionally abusive relationship when feeling so unable to?

The first step is to talk about it.

Keep talking.

What's keeping you from telling him: "I don't want to move to France, and I don't want to quit my job?". How might you be able to avoid a move you don't want?

Digging a little further than friends and family, who else can you open up to in RL?

What's keeping you with this man?

He has cheated on you. Wants sexual practices you feel uncomfortable with. You no longer have a sex life. You don't want to move to France. You don't want to quit your job. You are already worried about him blocking you from having a life with your DD in the UK. He puts hurtful labels on you. And you just plain don't like being with him.

So, what's the hook? And can it be un-hooked?

Cookie
Your post is utterly horrifying. I'm sorry but your husband sounds like an utter monster of a man. He is using you against your wishes to try and fulfil his own sexual want's and desires. I'm not surprised you don't want sex with him, who the hell would under the circumstances?.

Do NOT move to France with this man. It is the worst move you could possibly make, both for yourself and your DD. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about. You are being systematically worn down by a twisted man who only cares about himself and what he wants.

Do you work? You say the friends you have in real life want you to leave him. That speaks volumes as to what sort of man others think he is. I really think you need to get away from this man as soon as possible. I'm sure other will have better, more practical advice soon but I just want to give you a big hug, and wish you all the best for getting away from such an awful situation.

You might also gain some support from this thread

I think that what has kept me in this relatinoship is fear combined with low self-esteem, fear of being alone (although I completely am aware that I couldn't be any more alone than I currently am within this relationship), fear of maybe it would improve and that I hadn't given it enough effort, guilt at separating DD from her father (they have a good relationship) and a feeling like it is my fault. We can have good times but they are becoming significantly fewer as time goes on. DP is very articulate and compelling, most people think he's great.

I do have a counsellor and had one previously but I've never disclosed to anyone about our sex life apart from the fact that there isn't one at the moment.

How many of those hooks are insurmountable?

Firstly, you need to tell your counsellor about what is going on in your sex life. What your husband has done and is still doing is abuse. You will never be able to get what you need from the counselling if you do not disclose such a massive issue, and start to deal with it.

Yes if you leave you will be alone (for a while anyway) but you will also be free of the pain of living with such a cruel man. Things will not improve, in fact they will only get worse as time goes on. Until you get to the point where you are so worn down that you can't even think about leaving.

Your DD can still see her father. It is more unhealthy to stay and rear her in an environment where she learns that her mother (and by extension all women) are not considered worthy of basic respect.

Of course people think your DP is great, I'm sure he is, like most abusive men, outwardly very charming. I wonder if they would think he was so great if they knew he was forcing you into naked cuddles with his friends to satisfy his sexual cravings? I suspect not. You need to start reaching out and sharing with people. He relies on your silence and shame to maintain the status quo. He is a brute.

You have just taken the first step by posting here for help.If you trust your counsellor and feel comfortable with her/him, then your next step in escaping this nightmare is to talk to them. You can't live this life, you deserve so much more. Stay strong.

MeandMyPuppy- thank you for the link, I've already started reading it!

Oh Cookie. . It sounds awful. This man is undermining you and destroying your self-esteem at every level.

As for him saying you have poor communication skills. What a load of rubbish. Your post was eloquently written and conveys a lot of information. I suspect it's more a case that his constant belittlement of what you say has left you feeling that you don't want to say anything much to him at all. What could you possibly say to someone who will twist/deny/use against you everything you say? It's a typical manipulation technique to get people to stop 'complaining' and then blame them for not dealing with the problem. Don't be taken in by it. The only person who has poor communication skills here is the person describing his wife in the same language used to describe a inanimate piece of equipment. I suspect that's how he sees you - as an accessory to his life.

You can try to get your head into leaving mode by reducing some of the guilt you're feeling. If your H is capable of treating you like this, how do you think he will treat your DD when she's older and begins to challenge him? Many an abusive partner but 'great' parent suddenly starts directing that abusive behaviour towards their child once the child is no longer young enough to view the parent as a demi-god. It happens all the time. By leaving you would be protecting your DD from the same treatment you're getting, not depriving her of a great father. A great father treats his child's mother with respect even if he doesn't like her. Bullying you into three-somes, calling you emotionally defective and coercing you into moving to a new country is not treating you with respect.

Talking to people who understand and who will support you is definitely the way to get nearer to ending this. However, IME the best way to end a relationship like this is to plan your escape meticulously first and then announce it. If you say you're unhappy and want to leave, abusers often up their game (either by becoming worse or by temporarily behaving like the 'perfect' partner, which will only leave you more crushed when the real partner returns and you've sacrificed even more). You need to make sure you retain control of your thoughts and the only way you can do that is to keep them secret from him until you're ready to make your move. When it comes to an abuser IMO it's acceptable to do a Dear John (i.e. just go and leave a note) as things can actually become dangerous at the leaving point.

Good luck and keep talking.

How awful.
Have you spoken to womans aid?

Cookie, agree with the others, talk, talk and more talk.

this IS abusive, it is harmful and you need to get out of it as soon as possible. Your DD needs to be removed from it as soon as possible too.

for the love of all things holy, DON'T LEAVE THE COUNTRY WITH THIS MAN!

He is itching to get you totally isolated and when that happens, your understanding of the word ABUSE will change beyond all recognition.

In France, mistresses (note he asked for MULTIPLES!!!) is common, he may not have found anyone here yet, but over there, he's highly likely, it's much more accepted in society than it is here.

You will be depending on him for your life, and he will make damned sure you get as little as possible.

Absolutely agree with the Dear John approach, it's the very best way to deal with an abuser, give them ZERO room to lie and connive their way back into harming you.

argh, I meant the use of mistresses is common...

cookie 6 weeks ago i would have posted as you...distressed, not sure what i was doing, scared of working out what was going on with my relationship. terrified of being alone with the DCs, lonely, isolated and worried about the future.

You are at the start of a journey...for me talking, reading and being in touch with people who could see the difference between good normal relationships going wrong and an abusive relationship has led me to the point where i have been able to say goodbye to him and am at the very beginning of a new life.

Not easy, not all good, but so much better.

keep talking to some of these wise women and read some of the links on here. You will gain insight, strength and be able to decide what you want to do.

Also that thread has some genuinely funny moments for when you just feel fed up with thinking about it all!!