what am I doing wrong, I must be doing something to deserve this

[whyiamsosad]

Ok first post in relationships. Have name changed

Not really sure where to start.

DP and I have been together 8 years and have a dd3.5

We left the UK over 3 years ago, and have a started again in a new country with a start up business that is going really well but takes every living breathing second. Think a BandB don´t want to say too much and out my self. The major thing to know is that we have to be on site 24 hours a day 7 days a week and work Christmas etc. Etc.

We feel pregnant by accident (belt and braces, and still the Little one go through) Dp words ?its your body your decision? my words I can´t have a termination. I have had depression in the past and new this would be more that I could handle (no disrespect to anyone, just not something I could do and keep my mental health)

Anyway during the pregnancy DP made the right sort of noises (kind off and only to other people, like the sonographer etc) but really withdrew from me. Didn´t want to feel baby kick or let me talk about what stage the foetus was nothing like that. We moved over here when I was 7 months pregnant. Pregnancy was straight forward, thanks to excellent care here. I take fist fills of medication every day and some of them have birth defects as side effects but everything was ok.

DD was born and I haemorrhaged badly and lost lots of blood (4 pints) doc told DP to call my parents as I would not make the morning. I did and me and dd did really well although I had to stop BF at 4 months as I will still very anaemic and ill. So I combined fed, Day on the FF and night waking and last feed of the day on BF

The problem is I just can´t seem to move past something of the things that DP said to me.

We have 3 years (I had two years of hell from him) he would leave the room if DD and I came into it. Wouldn´t bath, wash spend time with DD. I got told I saw him as a sperm donor, that I tricked him, that DD was the worst thing in the world, He has woken me up in the night saying your daughter is crying. I could go on and on. Every celebration was ruined by his comments like DD christening, first Christmas I have lost count of the number of times I have cried myself to sleep. He didn´t bond with DD and she didn´t bond with him. I took loads of piccys when DD was a baby, and in every one DP is making a face like DD is disgusting. I have NO nice piccy of DP and DD, so I have nothing to show her where Daddy looks happy and she is smiling etc.

This went on for nearly 3 years. I have done every night waking, I slept in with DD for the first 18months, as I was desperate to BF, and continued to do so over night. I am epileptic so need as much sleep as I can get, plus I was so ill with anaemia that it was all I could do to BF and sleep. PLUS I just could deal with anymore for DP.

I should mention that MIL is not part of our lives (DP disowned her for being toxic) and his DAD who he worships told DP that he wanted nothing to do with us when DD was 2 weeks old.

Problems come to a head about 6 months ago and he is trying to bond with DD now I have him doing bed time stories every other night and he is getting her up and ready for breakfast whilst I work and then I take DD to school. DD is gifted and talented and is so switched on it is frightening some times and is now saying things like daddy scares me. I am frighten truly as I have always had this fear that he would harm her. I have caught him screaming at her so loud that I was scared. I will ALWAYS intervene in these cases and I back the principal as in ?no Daddy was right you should not climb on the sofa? But I do later say that was the wrong way to handle it to DP. Then I cope an earful that he ?never does anything right? and why is my way right!

Well D P is being terribly grumpy / unpleasant again at the moment and I know there is something wrong again, and I know I will have to have a blazing row with him in a few days / weeks when he has decided what he is fed up with this time, I am fed up and I don´t know what to do anymore to try and make this right. I feel like I am hollow and is someone grabbed hold of me I would shatter into a thousand pieces. I just want to give up and tell him to sort out his problems and get a grip on the real world, but then I get you are the only family I have got and I love you, I´m just not in love with you because xyz.

I have so far managed to keep a hold on my MH, but I can feel it start slipping away, the last time I had depression (15years ago) I was so ill, and I spent so long promising my self never to get that way again, and I learnt my warning signs and I pay attention to them and try to make adjustments. But a few days ago after being told he doesn´t know why he is with me and that I am so argumentative I just sat out side and cried. I know I am getting close to losing my grip and I am trying to work out what to do, and I just don´t know.

What the hell am I doing wrong!

Oh god that is long.

Sorry I just can´t get my head straight as to what is important or not.

What are you doing wrong? Why even ask yourself that? You didn't terminate your baby, you gave birth and you look after and love her, as well as working very hard on your jointly owned business. That doesn't actually sound terribly wicked to me.

What he's doing, on the other hand, seems pretty despicable. It's like he wants to drive you crazy - and what would happen to DD if he succeeded? That sounds melodramatic perhaps, but he really is behaving very very badly and he can't possibly not realise the effect it's having.

What kind of support for yourself (emotional, psychological, medical) can you access where you are living? You need help urgently, and it sounds as if it's your DP that you need help from.

Is counselling an option, either for yourself or as a couple? Assuming you think you want to make a go of the relationship.

From your post he sounds very unpleasant and I'm not surprised you're miserable. I don't think you're doing anything wrong, but it sounds complicated - in your shoes i think (and obv this is just going on your post) I would want to separate. His treatment of you and you dd sounds nasty - if he has "issues", either with you or your dd - he needs to sort them out. But I wouldn't want him around while he sorts himself out, i would say "enough is enough".

You are doing nothing wrong.

You don't deserve this.

. It's like he wants to drive you crazy

Thats what I keep feeling like.....Like he wants to me to go mad or something.

Counciling is a no go, his mum was in counsiling for years with he SF and he has zero respect for it.

Medically I am ok, apart from repeated infections and the fact that I have no energy, oh my skin is crap.

Re emotional help that is pretty much zero everyone I know that I could talk to is a client (and that would be about as unprofessional as you can get)

my Parents would tell me to get shot in a heart beat, but then I am getting a lot of stress of them too. As they are getting older and need more help.

The thing is on paper and to everyone else, He is the nices guy you can get. I just can´t even breath for fear of what the next thing si going to be.

DD was born here and as we are unmarried he has no parent rights. Anything should happen to me DD goes to her Godmother (very careful choosen) / my parents (but I would prefer godmum, hence the reason that is all set up and recorded where it needs to be)

I just can´t work out what to do.....why is he doing this. I can´t find any space left im my head (don´t know if that makes sence to anyone other tham me)

It makes perfect sense.

What do you want to do?

I would go to counciling on my own. But it is money I don´t have and in a second language that I am not good at when I comes to explaining emotions.

I want to be at peace and to stop living in fear.

The stupid thing is I am so strong I have had really bad abusive relationships before, but this one used to be so good.

I feel like I am living with a stranger that is living in my DP body.

He used to make me feel so safe and knew he would never hurt me.

Now I don´t know what to do, or say or even think.

It sounds like he has completely worn you down and made you feel like you are the crazy one. Why would you stay with him? Do you love him? Your story is really sad and very frightening. You need to leave him if he refuses to get help. It is not your fault!

Counselling is worth the money, and you sound very low.

I had counselling in my second language for a while, and it was still useful, although admittedly my level is very good. But I was also concerned that "emotions" wouldn't pass through something that wasn't my first language. They did.

I also found English-speaking therapists in my town, catering to the expat community there. Would that be an option at all where you are, do you think?

He is awful. I think you'd be better off giving up on him (and the business if necessary) and getting yourself and your little girl the hell out.

I can't imagine living with a partner who is so bitter and full of hatred.

'I am frighten truly as I have always had this fear that he would harm her.'

Do want your daughter to grow up in a household full of fear and loathing?

Why did he decide 6 months ago to be a father? He isn't very good at it because he obviously has had problems in his upbringing and has not made any attempt to do it/learn in the past 3.5 years.

Would he go to parenting classes? Are there any around you?

With regards to his behviour - it sounds as lif he is unhappy with his life and you and your DD are bearing the brunt. Why did you leave the UK - did you positively want to, or were you getting away from something? Would you return? Do you both work in he business together - ie spend 24-7 toghether? Than can't help.

No -it's not something you are doing. It is coming from him and you can't be expected to manage his moods and temper.

Have you anyone you can talk to that knows both of you? Have you asked him what he wants (beyond the 'life is hell, this isn't what I expected, I don't want to be a parent...' usual crap they sometimes come out with.

Can he bugger off for a while to get his head straight. Even deep down he must know that he is not behaving rationally. Has he any siblings or good friends who would be in a position to take him to one side and have a word?

Is the little one at school or nursery? She is not a baby anymore and if she is saying things like that at school, that will ring alarm bells there.

How are your finances - all in his name or joint. Always be in the situation that if he pushes you too far, you can walk away/push him out. Know what is coming in, what you are entitled to and where all the savings are.

Do you love him? Did you ever or are you just together because of the chi;ld and/or business?

Business is mine, and I would be able to get him out without any problems.

My second language skills are very good fo medical things (I lecture in them at the local uni) but I can´t even say I am unhappy and this makes me feel this way.

No english Speaking therapist here. Be popular I am sure!

I don´t know what I feel for DP anymore, except that I want to fix him. I love him in the abstract sense (god that sounds weird) I guess I love the idea of what I want him to be.

Do you think he might have depression or male PND? It really sounds like he has a mental health problem

You can't fix him. He's an adult. It's down to him to fix himself.

You need to protect your daughter above all else. She shouldn't be saying that daddy frightens her. Put her first. She's the one that needs you. She's the one that needs your help.

It sounds like something is going on in his head and he can't cope with it.

Maybe it is time for a heart to heart. His behaviour is unacceptable. It cannot go on. He is a father, for better or worse, and that little girl is his responsibility. He should feel that he would move heaven and earth to make her happy but he can't see beyond his own ego and emotions. She will learn that this is how men are, he pattern will repeat itself. Sad but true.

You deserve to be happy. How do you feel if says he is going out for the night - happy, relieved?

He has changed for some reason, and no-one can say if he will stay this man or revert to how he was. But it won't happen by itself or overnight.

Dont suffer further. Have it out with him. Can DD be with someone else for the night or a few hours while you talk? Think about what you want to tell him and what you want him to do (move out, see a councellor, agree to certain 'demands'...).

The only wrong thing you've done is to keep this man in your lives for so long, decent and loving men do not behave like this, never, not even once, let alone for years on end.
He doesn't deserve to be a father or to have you and his DD in his life, he sounds truly awful.

If you can lecture in the local language, I'll bet you can follow therapy in it! Would therapy give you the space to think that you say you need?

DD is gifted and talented and is so switched on it is frightening some times and is now saying things like daddy scares me.

Please listen to your daughter.

You have done nothing wrong apart from trying to keep him happy for so long and if your DD is now aware of DP's feelings towards her that would worry me greatly.

If I were you I'd tell him to fuck off and change the locks. Is this what you want your dd to learn about relationships. Honestly; he is horrendous. I just cou;ldn't forgive someone like that. No way.

He isn't who you want him to be. He's a twat and HE WILL NOT CHANGE. Men like him don't.

Oh you poor thing. There's no easy way to say this but you need to get this man out now. I can almost guarantee that a large part of the fear and on-the-verge-of-depression feelings you have will disappear along with him.

He has been worse than unsupportive. Withdrawing is one thing, but he has been actively undermining you, abusing you and emotionally abusing his daughter (very small children can sense emotional withdrawal/dislike more than verbal abuse).

Your DD has said she's scared of him and you've said you fear he may hurt her. That is ignored at her peril.

You cannot fix him anymore than an alcoholic's partner can stop an alcoholic drinking or a drug addict's mother prevent her child from taking drugs. When you were depressed did anyone fix you? No. They may have been supportive, but you were the one who had to actively decide you wanted help and to keep persevering until you felt better. The same applies to your P. Unless he wants to change, he won't - no matter how much you want him to.

If he really does want to change deep down, it's possible that kicking him out may give him the kick he needs to realise the damage he's doing and to seek help. Letting him stay OTOH is only going to damage you and your DD.

You don't need him. You can get help in and pay most of it 'in kind' with a room and food. You have little to lose by kicking him out and an awful lot (mainly your mental health) to gain.

Good luck.

jesus christ on a bike woman. What ARE you doing still with this terrible man?

PLEASE get out of that situation. No wonder you are feeling under the weather permanently, you have a moulding, snidey, poisonous presence in your lives.

This man will only ever get worse, and by the sounds of it, he's exactly like his parents and you will get no support from anyone there.

COME HOME love, please come back home and start a new, positive, free life here?

I did it, you can too. Tell him you are coming home for Christmas and make your move then, sell up and come home.