what am I doing wrong, I must be doing something to deserve this

[whyiamsosad]

Ok first post in relationships. Have name changed

Not really sure where to start.

DP and I have been together 8 years and have a dd3.5

We left the UK over 3 years ago, and have a started again in a new country with a start up business that is going really well but takes every living breathing second. Think a BandB don´t want to say too much and out my self. The major thing to know is that we have to be on site 24 hours a day 7 days a week and work Christmas etc. Etc.

We feel pregnant by accident (belt and braces, and still the Little one go through) Dp words ?its your body your decision? my words I can´t have a termination. I have had depression in the past and new this would be more that I could handle (no disrespect to anyone, just not something I could do and keep my mental health)

Anyway during the pregnancy DP made the right sort of noises (kind off and only to other people, like the sonographer etc) but really withdrew from me. Didn´t want to feel baby kick or let me talk about what stage the foetus was nothing like that. We moved over here when I was 7 months pregnant. Pregnancy was straight forward, thanks to excellent care here. I take fist fills of medication every day and some of them have birth defects as side effects but everything was ok.

DD was born and I haemorrhaged badly and lost lots of blood (4 pints) doc told DP to call my parents as I would not make the morning. I did and me and dd did really well although I had to stop BF at 4 months as I will still very anaemic and ill. So I combined fed, Day on the FF and night waking and last feed of the day on BF

The problem is I just can´t seem to move past something of the things that DP said to me.

We have 3 years (I had two years of hell from him) he would leave the room if DD and I came into it. Wouldn´t bath, wash spend time with DD. I got told I saw him as a sperm donor, that I tricked him, that DD was the worst thing in the world, He has woken me up in the night saying your daughter is crying. I could go on and on. Every celebration was ruined by his comments like DD christening, first Christmas I have lost count of the number of times I have cried myself to sleep. He didn´t bond with DD and she didn´t bond with him. I took loads of piccys when DD was a baby, and in every one DP is making a face like DD is disgusting. I have NO nice piccy of DP and DD, so I have nothing to show her where Daddy looks happy and she is smiling etc.

This went on for nearly 3 years. I have done every night waking, I slept in with DD for the first 18months, as I was desperate to BF, and continued to do so over night. I am epileptic so need as much sleep as I can get, plus I was so ill with anaemia that it was all I could do to BF and sleep. PLUS I just could deal with anymore for DP.

I should mention that MIL is not part of our lives (DP disowned her for being toxic) and his DAD who he worships told DP that he wanted nothing to do with us when DD was 2 weeks old.

Problems come to a head about 6 months ago and he is trying to bond with DD now I have him doing bed time stories every other night and he is getting her up and ready for breakfast whilst I work and then I take DD to school. DD is gifted and talented and is so switched on it is frightening some times and is now saying things like daddy scares me. I am frighten truly as I have always had this fear that he would harm her. I have caught him screaming at her so loud that I was scared. I will ALWAYS intervene in these cases and I back the principal as in ?no Daddy was right you should not climb on the sofa? But I do later say that was the wrong way to handle it to DP. Then I cope an earful that he ?never does anything right? and why is my way right!

Well D P is being terribly grumpy / unpleasant again at the moment and I know there is something wrong again, and I know I will have to have a blazing row with him in a few days / weeks when he has decided what he is fed up with this time, I am fed up and I don´t know what to do anymore to try and make this right. I feel like I am hollow and is someone grabbed hold of me I would shatter into a thousand pieces. I just want to give up and tell him to sort out his problems and get a grip on the real world, but then I get you are the only family I have got and I love you, I´m just not in love with you because xyz.

I have so far managed to keep a hold on my MH, but I can feel it start slipping away, the last time I had depression (15years ago) I was so ill, and I spent so long promising my self never to get that way again, and I learnt my warning signs and I pay attention to them and try to make adjustments. But a few days ago after being told he doesn´t know why he is with me and that I am so argumentative I just sat out side and cried. I know I am getting close to losing my grip and I am trying to work out what to do, and I just don´t know.

What the hell am I doing wrong!

ANother vote for getting rid of him ASAP. If you want to stay in the country where you are now living, look into that - if necessary, you could come home for a while and plan/save to go back later. But this arsehole is harming both you and your DD and does not deserve any consideration from you. He sounds potentially dangerous, so prioritise your own wellbeing and DD's and get rid of him.

omg what a terrible situation you are in. There is absolutely no doubt that your DP is treating you and your DD very badly indeed. You are not doing anything wrong, the fact you have live with this abusive behaviour for so long is why you think it might be you. It is not you, Your DP is wrong to treat you like this, you cannot fix him, he will not change. What are your getting out of this relationship?

This man has been cruel to you and DD for over 3 years. Your DD's words about her father are chilling, listen to her.

Please take some practical steps to work out whether it is best for you to stay or return to the UK. What ever you decide to do, once you are not living with this demoralising behaviour from your partner, you will be surprised at how well you manage.

I would also suggest you talk to your parents and get their support if that will be forthcoming.

The loud screaming at your dd made me draw breath. On top of his neglect of her. Horrible abusive behaviour

Sorry to have disappeared. But I had an emergency and had to shoot off to the local hospital. Nothing to fdo with dd or dp was helping a friend.

Do you all really think he is being abusive? Am I just too close to see it?
I KNOW he is and has behaved like a shit, but I just thought that was what is was.

Abusive to me is much worse.

The trouble is he wuld never lay a finger on me or DD, (been there done that, and I honstly would punch him / hit him with the poker as my granny used to say)

Ok, can some one explain this too me. I have very bad epilepsy (well medicated) but one of the problems on a daily basis (which I know must be terrible to live with) is that I get my words confussed they are right in my head and they come out of my mouth wrong. for instnace did you see that panda (instead of car). I have been like this since before I met DP and I NORMALLT know when I have done it, as the word gets stuck in my head. But lately everytime i do anything he doesn´t like / we have a disagreement. He keeps saying that its my fault as I can´t get my words right. I keep explaining that I can´t help it, its not deliberate but still he goes on and on.

The odd thing is he takes NO and i mean NO responsibilty for anything. so he is a least controllikng person you will meet, I have to do everything, make every decision, make every choice, its like he can´t function in the real world.
I don´t know I jsut don´t know.

Dp has a very good friend that would be completly horrified if I told him what had been going on. Friend would rip into DP. Friend is great with DD (hes her god father) and some times I see it and think, why can´t DP be like that.

But then DP will pick DD up and play plans with her (I can´t due to back injury) and she is laughing her head off and the joy on her face is something to behold.

Its like all the affection has to be on his terms.

He also "remembers" thing differently to everyone else. Like i know that lots of people tried to help DP with getting used to dd, gently showing him how to burp her, comfort her etc (I am talking about OCCASSIONAL"why not try it like this, it might work this way") But Dp says that No one showed him what to do, and when they did they just took DD off of him, or said he got it all wrong etc.

Its like there is his universe in which he is total control and the fact that it is differnt to the rest of us, is because we are wrong.

Is this what love is, OP? Being with someone who is behaving in a way which will destroy you? It's not you - from what you said he is a poisonous, cruel man. It doesn't matter if he was nice for a while when you first knew him.

I only know one kind of love these days and it the one ting that keeps me going. I remember some one once told me you would die for a person you love but will kill for your child. That is the only thing I am certain of. I love my DD with every tiny piece of my broken heart. I am just os fed up of being needed..........I need to be wanted, and I don´t think anyone wants me.

Oh dear. Dear, dear whyiamsosad, I think you are seriously suffering from the sainthood complex. You are being tooooo good. Please, please remember that not everything in this world is your personal responsibility. Your partner is an adult. The only person who can fix him is himself. You can of course help him, but it's just help, the drive has to come from him. He has to realise that he has a problem and he has to want to fix it. If he does not, you can bring in UN peacekeepers and it will make not a tiny bit of difference. So don't put this burden on your shoulders. It's not your job to fix him.

And your partner seems to suffer from some serious mental issues. You say you had depression. But he sounds really not in the right place. And he is dragging you down with him. Please don't let him. Your primary responsibility is to your daughter and not to your partner. She needs you and your protection. She needs to grow up in a safe loving place. If your partner is not willing to change, you have to make some tough decisions. It will not be saintly and it will probably be ugly. But a horrible end is better than endless horror.

You've not done anything wrong. Take care of yourself.

Not taking responsibility for anything IS a form of control. Especially when it's combined with criticising those who HAVE taken responsibility.

The criticism distracts you from getting angry at him because he's not pulling his weight. Instead you focus more on trying to keep him happy or working out what the problem is.

Landing you with all the responsibility means you are too exhausted to question the relationship to the extent you would if you had more time to think. When you occasionally do, it will lead to a row that makes you feel like it's your fault and will leave you feeling that it's your responsibility to fix the relationship (or him).

If all else fails, a half-hearted attempt at helping, followed by 'kicked puppy' feigned hurt when his half-hearted attempt is found wanting, results in people feeling sorry for him/making excuses for him when the correct response would be anger at his deliberate refusal to live up to his responsibilities.

It doesn't matter whether he's behaving like this because he's messed up or because he's an evil shit. The effect of his behaviour is the same - especially on your DD who will try even harder to win those rare moments where daddy deigns to bestow his affection on her. Ultimately this will erode her self-esteem, increase her need for other's approval and leave her feeling like nothing she does is ever good enough. This will make her ideal fodder for an abusive partner herself as, like you, she will have internalised the message that if she could just try harder it would all be ok.

You don't have to put up with this. Looking at this as an outsider, I am full of admiration for someone who can speak a foreign language fluently, set up a successful business in a foreign country, overcome depression, cope with epilepsy and a form of dysphasia and still look after a young child. Lose the millstone round your neck grown-up man-child and you'll be unstoppable. What's holding you back and keeping you thinking that you don't deserve that I wonder?

your not doing anything wrong.

it's him, not you.

I agree with sunshineandbooks. You are an incredibly strong person - living in a foreign country, speaking the language, running a business, raising a child on your own, lecturing!

And yes, your partner is abusive. You do not deserve this. Nobody does. Not even bad people, which you are not.

You really can't see the wood for the trees. I do think you need some time apart. I'm not saying 'kick him out and get a lawyer' but perhaps you will both see things differently apart, and if it should come to being a permenant arrangement, then you have taken the first step and proven to yourself that you can manage without him.

Has he changed significantly since you met? Has he even been the person you want him to be? Your daughter is your focus now - that's what being a parent is all about. She has her whole life ahead of her, and she (you both) deserve to be happy and not living in tension and fear.

Its like there is his universe in which he is total control and the fact that it is differnt to the rest of us, is because we are wrong.

That's pretty much the definition of a personality disorder. It's a fixed part of who he is. He won't change.

You girls don´t mince your words do you? :o

Ok, so I am being dumb basically and not seeing this for what it is, a crap relationship that is potentially going to harm my dd

Ok, so how do I convince him to move out.

I was thinking of suggesting a vist to his best mates (over in england) its DP BM 30th in a couple of weeks, so maybe I could suprise him with tickets for him to go and see him?

What would be the easiest way to get him out?

Just read your thread. Can I ask where approximately you are? Perhaps there is someone in your neck of the woods on MN who can be a shoulder to you. What help is there for abused women? Any?

You are NOT dumb. You have been abused into thinking this is normal. It is not. You haven't not noticed this because you are stupid.

But yes, this is a bad relationship and it is already harming your DD. (sorry)

You could pack his bags, change the locks and hand him a plane ticket and tell him he has to go. Or buy him a ticket, send him off and then call and tell him you'll ship the rest of his stuff. Change the locks then too and tell DDs school what is happening so that he cant collect her.

Best wishes.

If my daughter told me she was scared of her father, that would be it for me. That would be all I needed to change the locks and chuck his stuff on the street.

feel free to think about counselling AFTER he has left but get him out NOW.

In fact, i think I would say it is not working, noone is happy, and you think he should move out. If he won't then I would actually change the locks on him. you can still be fair if you think he deserves it and write him a cheque to help him find a new place etc. Afterall, it sounds like he has been working on your business too so should have something.

Please act quick if you think your daughter is at risk.

What you re doing wrong is staying with a man who scares your child. isn't that obvious to you?

You can't fix him and yes, he is extremely controlling. With his passive aggressiveness he makes you arrange everything while he does nothing as you you have said.

school here is not a problem (gates are locked etc) you have to be on the pick up list.

We have already had one problem with MIL trying to get to DD, so they are even more strict.

I would not send him away with nothing. Although he did come into this relationship with nothing accept clothes. Was still living at home when I met him never had had a bank account in his own name nothing. I worked very hard for every penny I have got, but he put in lots of work too.

Businnes is kind of ours, but I am the one in the field of expertise p is along for the ride so to speak

What the hell do I do about DD though. I know he would have to go back to the UK there is no way he would be able to find work here. I also know to who he would go to the UK. But there is no way dd can fly back and forth nor that I can take her as I have to be here on site 24 hours a day. P would come here I don´t think, think he would just walk away?

Will need to go and see and solictor and find out about access rights etc. for Un married couples. I know generically the father has no rights and the mother will not get maintanece, but need to check the spefics.

I don´t get it, we used to be such a good fit (excluding cleaning up) but these days he talks to me like shit and calls me agreesive and argumentative and that he is walking on egg shells all the time round me.

I live in europe, between the african crossing and the town that there was "apparently" a sitcom named after.

I would not send him away with nothing. Although he did come into this relationship with nothing accept clothes.

Do remember that he is responsible for himself, including defending his own interests. Your job is to defend yours. The fact that you're with such a man means that you are one of life's givers - and he is one of life's takers. Time to stop thinking of giving to him, and focusing on just protecting yourself and DD.

He will be very good at demanding everything he can obtain from you, you'll see. You don't need to do that thinking for him.

What the hell do I do about DD though.

I don't have the answers to that, and I understand it would obviously be your main concern. Your instinct of going to speak to a solicitor is the right one. get the facts from them. And don't hesitate to get advice from more than one solicitor.

I hope this doesn't come across too harshly, but if you didn't say "DP" in your posts it would be easy to think that you were talking about your son rather than your partner. You seem to think you have to stay with him no matter how badly he treats you and that if you do decide to end the relationship then it's your responsibility to see that he's ok. It's absolutely not your responsibility.

I know some people think you should love partners unconditionally but IMO only children deserve unconditional love. Love for partners is absolutely conditional as you expect them to treat you with kindness and respect and to support you through life. For three years you've put up with a partner who has basically treated you like shit and who actually scares your little girl. Why? Is there a good reason for it? Because I can't think of a single reason why that would be a sensible thing to do.

Love, if he does walk away from your dd entirely, I don't think it would be a bad thing for her. He scares her, he screams in her face, he has resented her since conception and fgs, you don't even fully trust him not to harm her. So sometimes he can play planes with her, big whoop. Family friends can manage as much. It's not enough.

Your dd deserves to feel loved and safe all the time, and she doesn't have that with him. If he walks away from her, that's his choice and maybe even to her benefit.