I am going through separation and his dad is threatening full residency order, I am scared

[Missjones1975]

I am going through an awful separation from my 4 year old son's dad. I have decided to leave due to the fact the relationship is stale and I no longer love him. We have not slept together for almost 5 years amongst other things. He also told me 'get it into your head we are NEVER getting married, so I swiched off and moved onto someone who does want to marry me and I am very happy with my new man.

Now because I have moved on, my ex partner is threatening courts if I do not give him full residency of our four year old son. I currently live in London but need to move back to Nottingham, my home town, so I can receive support for me and my son. He wants Max to move in with his parents in St Albans. I think Max needs to be with his mother then we can make arrangements for visitation. I have said from day one, i will never deny access to Max, he can have him weekends and holidays and whenever he wants to see him. But this isnt good enough.

I work 6 days a week and sometimes my job involves networking and travel and because I have been away with work, he believes I have neglected my son, although they have both been on my travels with me.

Ever since Max was 6 months old, he has gone to a child minder 10-6 until recently when he started school. I always dropped him off and he picked him up. He thinks he has been the main carer for Max, but actually it has been the childminder.

Is anyone going through this awful situation with their ex partner. He has issued his first solicitors letter to me, proposing his arrangements. I have no intention of taking him to court as 1, I think its worng and 2, I cant get any legal aid. I am scared I will lose my son

He's obviously scared of the same thing, though!

but he isn't losing him as I am adament to keep their relationship strong

Think your ex is doing this as a power and control exercise to get back at you for actually leaving him. He sounds like a right nasty piece of work. This is not so much about his son as it is about him. Such damaged make it all about what they want and disregard the child they purport to love.

No court in the land would actually grant his request for his son to live with his parents; how could that be full residency?.

You need decent legal advice and fast to fight his mad scheme. Many solicitors will give a free 30 minute consultation; why do you not think you will receive legal aid; have you actually been told this by a Solicitor?.

Why do you think its wrong not to take him to court?. I would certainly formalise any access arrangments because he will disregard completely any informal arrangements that you have otherwise. Your reasonableness towards him has been used by him to further get back at you.

You cannot roll over and play the doormat here because currently he thinks he can walk all over you.

He is also scared of loosing his son.

He is scared of losing his son too.

Does you new partner live in Nottingham too? If not, why do you need to move there?

you raise my hackles. As a 70s feminist and now the mother of grown-up sons, this is not what we fought for - women to treat men unfairly. Just women to be treated fairly and with respect. From what you've said, you were at least sharing parenting. Now, because you've decided your marriage is stale and you don't love him, you want to move your son more than 100 miles from his father and say you will let him have 'visitation'. Perhaps he will live with his parent too, recognising that he'l need support if he has residency. Unless there is more to this separation than you are telling us, you are acting appallingly. Think of the situation in reverse.

but the OP said that he has made this statement as a reaction to her new relationship and taht she has moved on. If this is indeed the case then he is not seeking residency for any other reason other than spite.

well, not clear WHEN she moved on though, is it? Or perhaps I missed that?

Have you considered a Mediation service? Usually they are free (well depending on where you live), but could help avoid going to court which is their aim...also if the matter does end up in court a CAFCASS officer would normally be appointed to advise the courts on your DS's behalf as to where residency should be. Its a difficult situation esp when you end up living far away fro the other parent- is it necessary for you to move back to Notts or could you manage living somewhere nearish your ex-partner so as to help shared care/contact??

i am going through something very similar at the moment OP.

My exh and I are divorced and we have 2 dcs I want to move 90 miles away in order to start a new life with my new DP. DP wont agree to share the drives back and forth in order for him to see the dcs, he has said that he wants me to do all the driving. I fear that I meant end up in court.

I think the issue here (as with me) is whether or not the mother has the right to move away from the father, as it impedes access.

Aylesham I....am not married to him. Is it a crime to want to find happiness. Most people live a lie in relationships and plod on. I am 35 not 65 and deserve better.

I will never deny him access, also I have offered to meet him every weekend half way down the motorway. I am more than willing to help him see his son

Op said: ' have decided to leave due to the fact the relationship is stale and I no longer love him.', and ' moved onto someone who does want to marry me and I am very happy with my new man'. So from my reading she hasn't left yet but has found someone else ie. had an affair. Is this right OP?

Yes my new partner lives in Nottingham, so do all my family and friends. I literally have no one down here in London to support me and anyoine in London with children knows how much harder down here it is for parents

Harlototara - there was a cross over in the relationship

I'm with Aylesham on this one.

I don't think you should worry too much- you aren't doing anything outrageous. But do get a decent solicitor- I think they will probably be able to reassure you.

Why does op automatically assume that she should have residency and yet criticise her XP for trying to obtain the same? Sounds like XP did more childcare than op and op is the one moving. Maybe XP does have the better claim to residency.

Like I said, think what we'd all be saying in reverse situation. Man says relationship is stale (excuse for affair, after the act we would say), want to move to new girlfriend's town 100+ miles away and take the DC. But mum would have 'visitation'. Oh yeh. . .

This isn't a debate thread- start your own if you want to gob off about the relative merits of dads and residency. This is a support thread for somebody scared asking for help.

OP- don't be afraid to log off and find decent legal advice elsewhere. I know you'd assume you could post here without hassle, but it's not always the case, sorry.

It also seems very unfair on XP to justify leaving him and taking his kid away on the basis that he doesn't want to get married?

Do you think this is spite for you cheating perhaps if there was 'cross over' seems extreme though Im surprised everyone isnt on your side , you not trying to stop him seeing his son,

"there was a cross over in the relationship"

That's a brilliant euphemism I might have to remember

Where will you be living when you move back up North ? Will the new man be living with you ?

ok, fair enough, I'm gone.

Amateurish - should I stay in a relationship if I fell out of love? Should I pretend in life. Sorry but life is too short to live a lie.

Thanks Rollon I appreciate your comment. I will be living in a house near my family. I am looking for a new job, am just trying to be happy