I am going through separation and his dad is threatening full residency order, I am scared

[Missjones1975]

I am going through an awful separation from my 4 year old son's dad. I have decided to leave due to the fact the relationship is stale and I no longer love him. We have not slept together for almost 5 years amongst other things. He also told me 'get it into your head we are NEVER getting married, so I swiched off and moved onto someone who does want to marry me and I am very happy with my new man.

Now because I have moved on, my ex partner is threatening courts if I do not give him full residency of our four year old son. I currently live in London but need to move back to Nottingham, my home town, so I can receive support for me and my son. He wants Max to move in with his parents in St Albans. I think Max needs to be with his mother then we can make arrangements for visitation. I have said from day one, i will never deny access to Max, he can have him weekends and holidays and whenever he wants to see him. But this isnt good enough.

I work 6 days a week and sometimes my job involves networking and travel and because I have been away with work, he believes I have neglected my son, although they have both been on my travels with me.

Ever since Max was 6 months old, he has gone to a child minder 10-6 until recently when he started school. I always dropped him off and he picked him up. He thinks he has been the main carer for Max, but actually it has been the childminder.

Is anyone going through this awful situation with their ex partner. He has issued his first solicitors letter to me, proposing his arrangements. I have no intention of taking him to court as 1, I think its worng and 2, I cant get any legal aid. I am scared I will lose my son

my exh had an affair and that is why we are now divorced.

on my other thread i was told that the court do not care why a marriage broke down (unless of course there was abuse) and that all they look for is the welfare of the child.

if he does take you to court what you need to be able to prove that your ds will be better off with you.

you need to get legal advice.

i can understand that you are trying to be happy.

is your h a good man, ie he did nothing wrong but (as can happen) you just fell out of love with him?

He was never her husband, Warrior, and didn't want to be.

It's a very tricky situation unfortunately. I understand entirely that you haven't wanted or been able to give every minute detail here but I can only go by what you have written.

With that caveat in mind, based on what you have said I think your ex might be able to make a convincing case that both you and he have had equal involvement in raising your son. Indeed, if you work six days a week but (say) he only works five then he might well be able to persuade a judge that out of the two of you, he is the primary carer (the childminder doesn't count or, at least, would count no more for/against him as it would for/against you).

This is then complicated further by you both wanting to move as then there is no advantage afforded by ensuring your son stays at his existing school.

If you want my honest, non-lawyer opinion based on what you have written here plus an admittedly wild-assed guess that your ex works less than you do, I'd suggest you keep it out of court if you possibly could. You may well lose. Sorry if that's not what you wanted to hear.

oh yes sorry. i did read that

Missjones - I appreciate no one wants to live a lie and no doubt you should do what makes you happy.

But I would advise trying to come to an agreement with XP about your son's care. You can't just assume that you can move up north and have full residency.

If it goes to court, they will look at the arrangements that are least disruptive to the child. I don't see why he shouldn't have residency and you can travel to London for contact if that would be the least disruptive for the child.

but he isn't losing him as I am adament to keep their relationship strong

so if he said exactly same to you, that would be fine and you would go along happily with it? no? why not?

It will probably be best to have some formal mediation, by the sou d of it. If you can both put in place frequent meaningful contact, your son will be better off than a resentful but local split.

you sound incredibly selfish and self absorbed op

think of whats best for your child rather than me me me all the time

Missjones1975. firstly you won't 'lose you son' any more than your XP will if you have residency. It's sadly a matter of how you divide his time up. It's your son who will suffer in this situation whatever the outcome.

Given he's started school, your proposal of every weekend with dad would mean that every Saturday morning he travels down to dad's, and then every Sunday teatime he travels back. Every weekend. Every year. He won't be able to go to friends birthday parties, play football with his mates at the weekends, in fact his school friendships won't exist outside of school much because he'll be at dad's.

I do sympathise but saying 'he can have him when ever he wants' and every weekend isn't quite that simple.

OP - stop worrying! Your exP hasn't got a hope in hell of gaining full residency of your son if his proposal is to send your DS to live with his paternal GPs. So please stop stressing.

You are also entitled to make a life with a new partner in surroundings where you have family support for your DS - it sounds as if your proposed move to Nottingham will tick a lot of boxes in terms of financial, material and emotional stability for your DS. You sound very reasonable and, yes, your DS should see his father often, but you are offering that.

Why don't you draft a letter in response to the solicitor's letter you received from your exP, detailing politely your very reasonable proposals? You will get help with rewording/drafting if you need it on here.

How is the dad fighting for "residency" when he says he WON'T be living with his son? He wants the son to live with his parents. Did everyone miss that part?!

Sorry, but residency is residency - if the OP's xP wants residency, there should be no palming the child off on the xP's own parents!

It is completely irrelevant why or whose fault it is that the relationship broke down. The only time this matters is in cases of abuse, because then there is a possible welfare issue concerning the child. That isn't the case here. Residency is not based on the moral superiority of either parent. It is based on which parent is able to demonstrate that they can best meet the needs of the child.

If he goes to court for full residency and then says he wants DS to live with his parents, he's not going to get very far because he's not actually going for residency is he? I cannot see a court awarding residency to grandparents when there is a perfectly able and willing parent willing to have residency full time.

What's more relevant is how much each of you are involved with your DS right now. Who gets him up/fed/washed/dressed in the mornings? Who bathes him/reads to him at night? Who takes him to Dr's appointments, etc? Who cancels working arrangements if he's ill and has to have a day at home? This will suggest who is the better parent for primary residency, though if it's equal then a 50/50 arrangement would be more beneficial. Courts tend to favour maintaining the status quo.

Your X could apply for a prohibited steps order to prevent you from moving, but if you were deemed to be the primary carer this wouldn't necessarily stop you long term if you can prove that both you and your DS would be significantly better off by moving. The courts are well aware that the most influential factor affecting the welfare of a child are the circumstances of the primary carer. This may not be fair on the non-resident parent, but the child's needs have to come first.

A lot will depend on who is considered primary carer...

coffeesleeve, no I didn't miss the part about the son living with the grandparents but I assumed that it would be the son and father moving in with the father's parents. Because otherwise it would be the grandparents applying for residency rather than the father, wouldn't it?

If that's not the case and instead it is that the son would live with the grandparents while the father lives somewhere else then, of course, I sincerely doubt any court would entertain such an idea.

Bonsoir please do not give the OP such false hope. The OP hasn't yet got employment in Nottingham, so there is not yet financial security.

I also think that is can be foolish for an individual (however nice and reasonable) to respond to a solicitor's letter - whatever you write may be used against you.

OP, I Agree with others: - mediation and a good solicitor of your own.