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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is this normal or is DP an arse?

75 replies

TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums · 03/11/2011 08:02

DP is gym obsessed. He's lost loads of weight, takes vitamins, supplements and eats mainly protein and veg. He gets up at half 5 to exercise and has started waking me up as well as 'there's no point me staying in bed' despite me being the one to get up hourly with one or both DCs (2 and 1) and me being the one at home with them all day. I'm fucking shattered. He even got DD up at half 5 when she would've settled with a dummy so that I woke up!
I don't want to laze in bed all day, just to until the kids wake up would be lovely.

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 03/11/2011 12:09

generlaly tlaking with someone like this will achieve nothing.

unless you try going to a joint eg relate but even then giving his controllin nature i would not recommend you do this.

your conversation should be about specific - look please stop walking me up in the mornings. but think of a get out phrase- (ok that's your view then. I wont say any more - ) and walk away ....

meanwhile find out all your rights etc with CAB/solicitor so you know your rights before having a conversation which ends in him storming out/you throwing him out.

you need to be armed with facts.

he doesnt listen to you now - he wont listen tonight.

tho you could try pushing just one specific issue eg the waking you up and see how that goes.

if he wont have conact with his dc when he leaves -well his problem. but i bet that is not how it will play out in practice.

sweepitundertherug · 03/11/2011 12:10

Is he taking steroids?
He sounds dangerous.

You can call womans aid. They will be really helpful.

Good luck.

dreamingbohemian · 03/11/2011 13:13

I've had a quick look at the supplement he's taking. It's quite similar to supplements that have been banned in the US and other countries. They basically rely on huge amounts of stimulants to induce weight loss. This seems like one of the worst things you could do to someone with an exercise addiction, keep him constantly pumped up.

I also think this makes him not the safest person to be around.

freeandhappy · 03/11/2011 22:36

hope you are ok tiaras. he sounds frightening and horrible.

AnyFucker · 03/11/2011 22:40

he sounds close to steroid-induced rage

the mania and the abuse is actually very shocking

I cannot believe you are happy to have man like this around your kids

please speak to your family and friends and start gathering RL support to enable you to get this man out of your life

izzywhizzysgunpowderplot · 03/11/2011 22:54

You're not married, the flat is in your name and he has no right to be in your home without your consent.

If push comes to shove - and the way he's going I suspect that's inevitable and you'll be the one getting shoved - call the police and have him removed from your property.

Alternatively, change the locks, pack his stuff up and leave it outside for him to collect.

Bogeymanface · 03/11/2011 23:15

MY first thought was "steroids" tbh, and I see that others have thought that too. The "supplement" he is taking is dangerous and could give him serious heart problems, quite aside from his personality.

Was he controlling and demanding before his weightloss? Or obsessive with other things?

I agree though, get rid. NOW! It will only get worse because if he isnt on steroids now then he will be when he does his mass muscle thing as it is the only way to bulk up fast. An ex friend of ours started taking steroids to bulk up and has been in and out of prison on assault and GBH charges, lost his job as it was dependent on a clean sheet, lost his mum, his GF (his beating her so hard she was in hospital for 2 weeks was one of the reasons he got sent down, he only avoided an attempted murder charge on a technicality) and most of his friends. The only people he hangs out with now are other steroid abusers.

izzywhizzysgunpowderplot · 03/11/2011 23:16

db and AF are right; if he's pumped up with stimulants he is not safe to be around you and not safe to be around the dc.

You're not going to be able to reason with him and the only way to go is to get him out of your home asap. If he won't go quietly, enlist the help of the police and if you don't feel confident google women's Aid for your city/town/county and give them a call.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 03/11/2011 23:45

Another one saying: get him out ASAP. The drugs he is taking mean it is not safe for him to remain in the family home and as it's in your name you can have him forcibly removed by the police. And the fact that he will refuse to see the DC is probably all to the good: men who take these drugs and get weight-obsessed are really really bad news.

izzywhizzysgunpowderplot · 04/11/2011 00:28

I crossposted with Bogey and, as they've implied, this man has the potential to be extremely dangerous.

Please, pease listen to us and get him out of your life asap. Apart from ensuring your own safety and that of the dc, it may be the shock he needs to get off these horrendous products and sort himself out.

TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums · 04/11/2011 07:21

I had a long chat with him last night to the point we were both in tears. He's asked for another chance, is cutting back the exercise and I've chucked the stimulants. He has said he will do more with the kids and actually got DS up and ready for nursery this morning. We have both agreed that if there's no improvement within a week then he will move out. Hopefully this will be the kick up the arse he needs to sort himself out.
Thank you for all your advice

OP posts:
ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow · 04/11/2011 07:26

He will most likely be able to turn over a new leaf for one week. The question is whether it can become permanent. And whether his new leaf is good enough for you and the DC.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/11/2011 07:27

Such men always cry, its part of their overall script. Think you'are acting as a pushover again; he will take full advantage and he has.

I would not have even given this guy a week; he needs to be gone now.

josephinebonaparte · 04/11/2011 07:39

anyone who woke me up every morning like that would have a death wish and a divorce.

AnyFucker · 04/11/2011 07:42

good luck, but watch his actions now, not words

and for much longer than a week

there is a real danger that he will slip back into his old ways now he has got you to STFU for a while

Thumbwitch · 04/11/2011 07:44

Gosh. What an abso-lute ARSE.
Lazy-arsed selfish tosser!

IF he got his arse moving doing some housework it might help him with the non-lapsing back into fatness, hmm?
IF he is going to the gym that much and taking dodgy supplements, it is unhealthily obsessional and he is either on steroids or has become an adrenaline junkie, neither of which are good for anyone.

As for you being too skinny and he wants you to work out, WTF?? You don't need to cut out carbs if you're too skinny, you'll waste into nothing!

And I can tell you now that if DH tried that bollocks of "you might as well be up to start the housework and remind me to go to the gym" at 5:30 in the morning, I'd have got up all right - once! And booted him out the door, down whatever steps were available and chucked his stuff after him!!

Doesn't sound as though he's had much of a kick up the arse to me. What you need to do is lay down the law about how things are going to be - as in, which household tasks he is going to share and when, how much he is going to do to help with the DC and when, and he can still go to the gym 3 times a week which is just about normal for most people before it moves into obsessional.

"No improvement in a week" - well you've left yourself a bit wide open with that - all he needs to do is a couple of things and then bugger all else and it would still be "an improvement" on what he's been like - so he could argue that he did better. You really do need to set out exACTly what you want from him and make him stick to it from day 1 - no "building up" to it, start high and keep it up there or he leaves.

Good luck!

bellsring · 04/11/2011 08:01

OK, you can see how it goes for a short while; I don't know whether he's naturally the way he is or whether it is exaggerated by what he takes. I'll cross my fingers for you as I'd love it to work out for you but, from what you've said, his behaviour is so typically rigid, dogmatic, inflexible, that I wouldn't trust him to be able to change from experiencing his new behaviour for a mere week. See how it goes - for a short time.

bellsring · 04/11/2011 08:03

If you seem like a push-over he will take full advantage.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 04/11/2011 09:52

Please be very careful. He is now alert to the fact that you are not going to accept being controlled by him, and he may up the level of aggression. If he does so, call the police and have him removed.

TiarasTimeOutsAndTantrums · 04/11/2011 10:07

Thank you. Hopefully it will show him he needs to change. He said he hadn't realised he was being such a twat. I was expecting him to turn it round to being my fault!

OP posts:
dreamingbohemian · 04/11/2011 10:24

If you think the person he is now is not who he really is, then I can see why you want to make the effort to get things back to normal. But he really has to keep at it. Any backsliding, get rid.

AnyFucker · 04/11/2011 16:52

who doesn't "realise" they are being a twat when they are a twat of such magnitude ??? Hmm

they know it...they know it very well

what the question is...how much of it are you prepared to tolerate ?

Proudnscary · 04/11/2011 17:09

Tiaras, honestly this isn't like chewing with your mouth open or talking too loudly on your mobile. That could be filed under 'Sorry didn't realise I was being a twat'.

Forching your sleeping family to get up at 5.30am because you are (and being aggressive and compulsive and addicted to steroids and not helping at all with the children and being a selfish bully) can only be filed under 'I know I've been a cunt but now I've been called on it now, and have to pretend I'm not for a while'.

And breathe.

Proudnscary · 04/11/2011 17:09

That'll be forcing not forching whatever forching may be

freeandhappy · 08/11/2011 00:10

I am thinking of you and hope things are improved.

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