is entitledto.com usually accurate and other questions about marriage

[desperatelyseekingsomething]

hiya, i posted this earlier in Divorce and Seperation topic but no replies (no traffic) so copy and pasting it here (with a few minor alterations) hopefully for more answers:

i wasn't sure whether to post here, or in Money Matters. I am a name-changer, have posted on mn before many times about problems in marriage because of dh behaviour etc. but havent done anything about it because I feel stuck/scared. Don't want to upset my dc's lives, mainly.

OK, so I have been doing some calculations to try and give myself that 'push' and I was wondering if I post them here, if any of you could say whether you think I will be able to manage, basically. I have searched on mn as to the 'how much do you live on' type threads, but of course it depends on your debts, size of mortgage/rent etc.

Situation: 2 dc, one of them with disability. Always 'acted' as single parent as regards childcare, housework etc etc, although dh always worked and provided financially, to be fair. The reasons the marriage has crumbled are his actions/behaviour towards me (not violence) and refusing to talk/communicate etc. ongoing for years.

Ive been on 'entitled to' and it has given me some figures - I entered my details as a single person with 2 dc. Our mortgage is around £75k, so around £400 pcm ish. I work during school hours (cannot work more due to dc needing childcare but being too old for a place in any of the childcare options, iyswim). ideally i need to run a car as my disabled dc needs getting from a to b, plus many other hospital appts etc at many different places etc.

dont have any other debts, just the usual average bills (rising by the day as for everyone)

This is what I have worked out using entitledto.com and my own estimate of weekly wage, but it does not take into account child maintenance from dh in case that doesn't happen ( or is it that any maintenance would be taken off tax credits anyway, i dont know?)

Dla care 49.30
Dla mobility 19.55
Work 185 approx
Cb 33.40
Cct 161.91
Wtc 97.58
Total
546.74

Is entitledto usually accurate? If it is, then it seems plenty - more than enough - and so I feel a bit more confident about changing the situation.
the amount quoted there seems too good to be true - is it likely to be true?

Also, in the event of seperation, I would need to stay in the house: it has 3 bedrooms which I need for the dc, I would be unlikely to be able to get a mortgage on my own name because of my reduced earnings because of dc...yet he could easily take another similar sized mortgage on his good salary - which he is able to earn because he doesn't have to factor in the dc and their needs grrr! In fact, a large part of why he earns well is that he has been able to work away in the job he does, because of course he has no childcare issues. the good news there i suppose, is that it means there is no doubt I am primary carer.

What are my chances of being able to stay in my home until children are independent, based on the above? How does it all work in the event of divorce? When children are independent, happy to move to a small place on my own and split the difference but until then, need to house the dc (esp disabled dc who is likely to take a lot longer to reach independence).

Sorry its so long, thank you if you've got this far. Just looking for views/experiences/anything really. please be gentle.

has seperating from a marriage like this, where there has been no violence but lots of passive-aggressive crap, refusing to communicate, being treated like just a sex object and never listened to etcetcetc.. has it been worth seperating/divorcing or have you regretted it?
I could see dh making my life a misery if i chose to leave

oh, and one more thing - last week, i emailed the helpline at womens aid with all the backstory etc and asked their opinion.

they havent replied - either they are very short-staffed/underfunded or they probably think i am a troll and don't believe what i'm saying

Honestly - I think it all sounds like far too much like hard work. He is not going to change, he is just keeping you and your children on this emotional roller coaster. You should not have to question every move he makes, every word he says. He does not make you feel good about yourself does he? It all seems pretty straight forward to me. You will manage financially without him. You just need to find it in yourself to get rid I reckon

you know you are not mad, this is your reality.

the benefits that you quoted before are not unreasonable expectations and as a single parent you will be entitled to lower rate of council tax.

As for the house, well the court can decide, quite often the main career is allowed to stay with a charge put on the house to split the equity at a later date (eg when DCs leave home) given your disabled DC it may be that this is a powerful argument for letting you stay.

To be honest you can't plan everything as you are trying to do.

The time will never be perfect to leave, if you want to go and reclaim your life and teach your DCs what a real home without the abuse is like then you have to bite the bullet and do it.

yes, i know i sound harsh but the reality is that you either do it or you don't.

You have enough money to separate. it won't be easy. Only you can decide to do it.

Being in a marriage of such soul-destroying awfulness is enough to send anyone off their rocker.

Of course it's 'leave the bastard' or, to paraphrase, 'tell the bastard to leave', and the only reason it 'doesn't seem to be happening' is your inertia.

What will it take for you to get your arse in gear and boot his out the door?

I have lurked on mumsnet a few times without posting but your thread moved me to register and post because many aspects of what you are going through resonate so strongly with me.

I finally extricated myself from a similar relationship two years ago and although it was painful and i had to be strong, my only regret is that i wasted so much time trying to make it work.

It is scary to take that step despite how awful things are but when you decide to take back control of your life it will be worth it. When I look back now, I am astonished by just how bad it was and that it took so long to gain clarity.

I stayed in the house by the way and kicked him out.