Am I being selfish?

[Coconutmummy]

I am in what I would deem a good relationship. Hubby is very supportive. Excellent father etc, however we have a big age gap and he has totally lost his libido in the last 4 years.we live amicably irrespective of this, but I am only 32 and after meeting someone whom I was attracted to recently and seriously considered a relation with, I have decided that the status quo can't work. I saw a solicitor today who suggests that I have grounds for divorce in the fact that we have shagged 3 times in the last 4 years despite my trying endlessly to perk his interest. I am sure that things won't improve as my complaints are not new. Am I selfish wanting a divorce because I feel I need adult physical relations. We work very well on all other levels, just wondering what other people think? Just having a wobble after today's meeting with solicitor. I don't really want to discuss reasons in detail with real life family. What do u all think. Have 2 kids aged 4 and 7 months, both adore their dad.

I don't think it's a matter of selfishness or blame. If you are not happy in your relationship for whatever reason you have the choice to leave it.

Have you and your DH tried everything including medical advice, counselling, etc. Loss of libido is not the same as not being able to maintain an erection. You obviously can have sex together, it's just not a often as you'd like.

Are you sure this is due to his age?

I think you need to be discussing this with him and not online tbh.

Faire, we have tried however. I am the only one missing that aspect of our relationship. Which means I am unhappy but he is thoroughly content.

Squishy, I have discussed with him, but as he usually says, he is not doing anything wrong. Theoretically, he is not apart from showing no sexual interest in me.

Thanks for your replies ladies

If you told him you wanted out of the relationship because of the lack of sex, would he still be thoroughly content?

This is not something which he can just ignore if it bothers you. It may not be his fault, but it is his responsibility as well as yours.

What did he say when you had counselling?

I have tod him I want a divorce because of this, he suggested I was being selfish.

I had counselling about this, he does not believe in counselling.

He is doing something wrong though. In a loving, considered, respectful and equal partnership or marriage both parties needs should be met, or at least an attempt or compromise to meet those needs.

He doesn't believe in counselling. Right, ok. So does he believe that his needs and wants are more important than yours? Does he fully understand the implications of not appreciating this facet of you?

How long have you been together, and were things physically good before this 4 year mark? Does this coincide with the birth of your first child?

I can fully understand how frustrated you must feel, but would encourage you not to begin seeing someone else before this is resolved.

Well if he refuses counselling and expects you to live like that for the rest of your life without any effort on his part to try and make it work then I would say that he is being selfish!

Lack of sex can kill marriages. Fact. Lack of sex can lead to lack of other intimacy including kisses and hugs or even sitting together to watch TV. You can end up living seperate lives in the same house. The split between my ex and I can be traced directly to his losing interest in sex and refusing to discuss it. When he got his libido back I wasnt interested because I lived several years without any form of intimacy and just didnt see him in that way anymore.

At 32, you are at a good age to find yourself a more fulfilling relationship and if he is refusing counselling etc and just insists that you are selfish then I dont see that you have much choice.

Thanks for your replies ladies.

Squishy, we have been together 9 years, it does coincide with birth of our first daughter and cosleeping with her. My decision at the time to aide breastfeeding. we had a very good physical relationship prior to that.

Bogeyface, his opinion is that this is normal. That my expectations are unreasonable and can't be met. We have lost intimacy and in my opinion genuine affection between us has changed for the worse. I really don't see him in that way anymore. So even if he did try, can't see us having much success.

He could be having an affair :( Staying with you 'for the kids' but promising her he wont have sex with you?

You are not being selfish, but he is. Whatever his reasons for not maintaining a sexual relationship with you and expecting you to accept this (he's asexual/closet gay/having an affair) he is saying that his wishes and feelings are more important than yours.
There are quite a few men who want a 'woman' in the house to do the domestic work, but are not interested in paying her any attention or meeting any of her needs once they have married her. It sounds like you've got one of those. A refusal to have sex, when it also involves a refusal to discuss the issue or compromise, is perfectly good grounds for ending a relationship. One partner is not entitled to contentment when the other is wretchedly miserable.

I am absolutely sure that he is not having an affair. I would much rather that! He just has no interest in sex. I have thought about the closet gay thing, I would be surprised though. He is a pensioner, does not look it, and despite our huge age gap, we have always been good freinds. I love him, but now more as a partner in parenting, than as a lover.

Life would be simpler if I had also lost my libido. He does cooking and more childcare with our 4 year old than me. I stay overnight for work sometimes, and this is because I know I can rely on him as a father. I just worry that wanting sex and adult intimacy may disrupt my kids stable home.

I understand where you are coming from and it is a really difficult situation. You said that he is a pensioner and that you are only 32. Well, to be honest there I think lies the problem. Fast forward 30 years yourself and you may not have sex on your mind all the time. But at 32, I know I was insatiable.

Personally, I do not think he is doing anything hugely wrong. Yes of course many older couples have sex, but I also think that many don't. My Dad is in his 60's and I do not think he's at it every night. I think he is more interested in golf and bowls and he only looks 50.

You need to seriously think it through. What happens if you get married again and the sex goes off? Will you walk away? What if that man is great in bed, but lousy in all other areas?

I am not saying that you are being unreasonable at all. However I will say that you married him when he was in his late 50's I presume and you where in your early 20's. Really you should have had some idea of what you were letting yourself in.

You are correct, I did know I was getting together with an older guy and that this was probable. I was sure I could handle it, although now, the reality is depressing and I am becoming resentful.

Staying in this situation would be like waiting for him to die, so I can have adult intimacy. I don't want that. I want him around for the next 30 years or more to walk his daughters down the aisle, if they get married. Etc.

I do know lots of older guys who are sexually active. I think his age is a contributory factor, but not an absolute predictor of our circumstances.

If he is so unbothered about sex why don't you ask him about and open relationship. Even if it is not what you want it will help you to see where he is in his head wrt sexual intimacy.

No you are not. If the split is amicable perhaps you'll be able to have a very good relationship as parents and friends but you are too young to go without sex forever. If you honestly feel you have done everything you can to overcome this issue and he is not willing to seek help then I think that is that ( you won't hear me say that often about marriages) but better end it before embarking on another relationship.

Ask him how he would feel about you seeking physical gratification elsewhere?

If you are happy with all other areas of your marriage, it might be possible that an open relationship might work, with his knowledge and agreement of course.

Don't you think physical gratification complicates things massively what would OP do have regular fuck buddy, is that fair on them that she will never be available. What are the risks of falling in love with someone? And if that happens will divorce be more acrimonious than if they agree to a divorce now with and come up with good parenting strategies whilst remaining good friends?

yanbu, sex is part of a marriage, it is normal to have desires and needs and they need to be fulfilled, if this is not happening, then you are unlikely to be happy. it is not being selfish. him expecting you to suppress your sexuality and needs, is selfish.

Squishy, u really do not fancy an open relationship. I know it's done, but I know I can't handle it emotionally. He says he would not remarry, I would be upset if he decided my being in a relationship meant he should seek physical relations elsewhere. I also don't think it would be a good example to set for the girls.

As Brian suggests, it's likely that trying to stick it out or me seeking this elsewhere may work. I somehow feel that an amicable split now would be in everyone's interest. I am not planning to remarry, but I would like a respectful loving relationship in the future.
Glad to see that it appears I am not being selfish.

Oh no, I didn't mean to do it. Just ask him how he would feel about it! It might make him examine his feelings towards this aspect of your relationship more closely and then be able to understand things from your pov a little more.

I don't think you are being selfish at all, the sexual side of us is intrinsically linked with our self-image and feelings of self-worth and to try to deny that side of you isn't healthy.

I think however you proceed it ought to be done openly and honestly.

That is a huge age gap, and it must play a part in this. However he is selfish if he expects you to live a life without intimacy.

@ Squishy, I got the wrong end of the stick. I have asked and done this before. He knows I won't follow through. Recently, he suggested If I wanted to whore around that would be my choice. Admittedly, I think he used that word because he was upset that it's so important to me. I do wish, I could ignore that aspect of my life, but I don't think I can. I don't want to deal with guilt of contemplating extra marital affair. Sadly, it appears, nature and circumstances means divorce is the way forward for us.

YANBU.

In all honesty an amicable split would probably be for the best.

I think you should split up with this man because his attitude is unhealthy and wrong. He is seriously sexually dysfunctional, with a madonna-whore complex ie he thinks that women who have become mothers cannot like sex and are morally defective if they do.
You;ve got a man who doesn't actually see women as people and he's only going to get worse.

I understand your reasonining SGBV. I think you are being harsh. That is probably because of how I may have portrayed him. He definitely does not see women the way you describe. I know that divorce is the best way forward here. I am sad about it, but hope it can be amicable