Am I being selfish?

[Coconutmummy]

I am in what I would deem a good relationship. Hubby is very supportive. Excellent father etc, however we have a big age gap and he has totally lost his libido in the last 4 years.we live amicably irrespective of this, but I am only 32 and after meeting someone whom I was attracted to recently and seriously considered a relation with, I have decided that the status quo can't work. I saw a solicitor today who suggests that I have grounds for divorce in the fact that we have shagged 3 times in the last 4 years despite my trying endlessly to perk his interest. I am sure that things won't improve as my complaints are not new. Am I selfish wanting a divorce because I feel I need adult physical relations. We work very well on all other levels, just wondering what other people think? Just having a wobble after today's meeting with solicitor. I don't really want to discuss reasons in detail with real life family. What do u all think. Have 2 kids aged 4 and 7 months, both adore their dad.

Like you, this would (was) be a deal breaker for me. I couldn't live in a loveless marriage and ended it.

I think what makes it unreasonable more than anything is that you have not changed in your libido from pre-children, while he has. If this had been the status quo all along then you would have known what you were getting into. He has changed, and while his age may be a big factor in it, it's not something that you are happy with and he's making no attempt to try.

If he won't address it at all, then he's forcing your hand. Have you explained that you've been to see a solicitor?

I think he is expecting that I will get over it. I have been trying to resolve this. He is burying his head in the sand. Hoping it will disappear from my thoughts. He honestly thinks I should be happy with things as they are. I keep pointing it out that he has changed because of this but he does not see it. It seems a silly reason sometimes considering all else. I think I need to be honest with myself that I can't enjoy life like this and that staying will only make me resent him

Each time you bring up the subject, he bushes it off and you both carry on as normal. Why would he expect anything different? You are all words but no action (as far as he sees, I mean).

He honestly thinks I should be happy with things as they are

Well, you're not. It doesn't matter what he thinks you should feel. You have told him how you do feel about it and he doesn't care.

Look, this man is communicating in every possible way that he doesn;t give a toss about your feelings. As far as he's concerned, you are of secondary importance, only there to meet his needs. He's content, so you should either be content or swallow your discontent because after all you are the 'woman' in the partnership and your role is to keep the man happy.
YANBU in the least to divorce him.

Coco have just posted my own issue which is a bit similar but sounds like you are not being selfish at all, you have tried everything to deal with this, to get him to see your side and he is refusing. Actually makes me realise how childish I am being with my own situation (sorry, didn't meant to turn this into me me me). But I do know how awful it is to feel like you are badgering him for sex, and then you just end up giving up. I feel for you and hope you have the strength to get through this, whatever you decide to do.

Thanks Amigo. I think I have resolved to move on as amicably as possible.
I hope you come to a satisfactory resolution to your situation

You are not being selfish, sex and intimacy are a normal part of a loving relationship and something most of us need. To give you some perspective on the age gap thing, it seems to be assumed that most people want sex less as they get older but that really isn't necessarily so. You are 32, you would be either waiting for him to die or your libido to run out? 42? 52? 62? 72? That is if you even do get a lowered libido. Even if you could live without sex, what about cuddles, intimate moments, the stuff that glues a marriage together?

He clearly doesn't care about your needs, and I also think that he has the Madonna/whole thing going on. It's not a co-incidence that this stopped after your first pregnacy.

Do you even have cuddles, OP? You see, my DH and I have not had sex for about 7 years, due to his disability and now my long-term ill health too. I find this pretty difficult, but we do cuddle and kiss a lot and my DH is very sad that we cannot have sex for the time being at least. We hope we may be abe to again one day, although I doubt that day will come :(

Without the cuddles, I think that I would have left before now. At least I feel loved and cared for and so does he.

You hit the nail on the head, NQSD. I don't feel loved, have not felt loved for a long time, and knowing that things used to be better makes this worse. I know he cares about me, however it's not nice thinking tat I have to badger for any intimacy.

I'm a lot older than you - mid 50s - and so is DH, so it's probably a bit easier for me to deal with. But it was very hard at first, when I realised that DH couldn't cope with sex any more. At first we rowed about it from time to time and then I sat him down and said we had to talk it through properly, even if it was difficult to face. Basically, I agreed that I would put up with the situation if I felt loved. So, although I really miss our sex life, I will not leave because we are still intimate in other ways. I know he loves me and he shows it in other ways than PIV. It's not ideal. But now that I am also ill, I couldn't cope with sex anyway!

Personally, I think you need to sit him down and spell it all out for him clearly - what your bottom line is. That's what I did and I don't regret how things have turned out. Maybe one day we will get things back - keep hoping.

Hi coconutmummy - I know you have decided to separate but I wanted to add my support -YANBU!!! Would your dh have accepted being told never to have sex again when he was 32??? Ask him that and see what he says!!!

OP, I would guess you are enjoying the pros of your husband's age (financial security, more family / home focused than a middle aged professional guy) but you don't want to put up with the cons.

I don't think he is being difficult on purpose - people are different and his libido has dropped. You are at your sexual prime - he is not. Most people would have a lower libido at 60 than 30 and he is no different. You thought you could handle it but you can't. Hope it works out for your children.

@ ladysprung, do you honestly believe this is a situation I can and should put up with? Yes, his age means that we have a lot of equity in our property.

Mine, also ensures that we have a lot of monthly income. Financially, we have both benefitted from our union. Besides this (sex, and intimacy), I know I have an excellent husband and father to my kids.

Like I have said repeatedly, if he was ready to compromise rather than suggest as it seems you are doing that this could be worse, so I should be grateful with my lot, it may have been workable.

In relation to the kids, we are both determined to do the best. I hope that remains the case.

Coconutmummy how are you doing today? What have you decided to do wrt the split? Hope you're feeling ok.

Thanks for asking Snapemistress, I have resolved to move on, it's heartbreaking especially as real life family who don't know the whole story are not supportive. Seeing solicitor in the 19 to start process.

I hope you have support from friends then coconut. I wish you well, let us know how the appt goes.

Thank you squishy mommy. I very much appreciate your comments. This has saved my sanity in recent days as I really have not had anyone else to discuss this with