DP moved out yesterday-really need some help today

[MrCondiment]

I asked DP to move out yesterday. There is no doubt in
My mind he is an emotionally and financially abusive bully (not really domestic a couple of pushing incidents years ago).

We have two children 4&1

I just don't know what to do today

All assets are in my name but in terms of income I am employed by a company that is not quite making money yet so have no fixed income

I guess I need to claim benefits? Should I make an appointment today. Should I see a solicitor? We have a home that we put equal deposit in. He built an big extension paid for mostly by his mums inheritence-he says me and the children should move out sell the house and I will only get the deposit put in. Now I know this won't happen but you can see the type of man we're dealing with here. I guess I should see a solicitor?

I could also really do with some support. I feel so lonley. I have told some friends but there's only so much you can talk. How do I explain to DS (4) ? He asked for daddy today and I said he's having a sleepover at his friends house. He said 'what forever?' and is said yes. Feel awful saying that to him but it's the truth

Feel so sad

On the financial issues, yes you should see a solicitor. He or she will be able to give far better and more personalised advice than any people on this forum. As you can already see, your stbxh is not going to be reasonable, so you need to choose a good solicitor who will fight your corner, especially to avoid those moments where you'll be tempted to cave in to his unreasonable sense of entitlement in order to just get rid and get peace.

Contact as many friends as you can - even slightly long-lost ones, or those who live far away (they are just a phone call away). The vast majority of people are good-hearted, and understand that during life's hard knocks, we need someone to talk to and lean on. I swear that most people will be happy that you contacted them to talk or ask for practical help, such as mind-clearing days out in which there is no mention of your divorce. People you reach out will want to be able to do something to ease your suffering. Just tell them what you need from them: a chat, a listening ear, a girly day out...

The feeling of loneliness will not last forever. I am 9 months out and haven't felt lonely in a long time. But it's a big change that will take some adjusting to: accept the painful feelings, but know that they will pass.

you asked him to move out, so why shouldnt he have some form of financial compensation if he put substantial amounts of time and money into the house? its not fair otherwise.

i would see a solicitor and then you can make informed choices

Yes you need to make all phone calls for benefits today if possible. Phone child benefit (local DWP office), tax credits (tax credits helpline) and housing/council tax benefit (local council offices). Housing benefit probably won't help if you have a mortgage but council tax benefit is on the same form. For most of these you'll need to do a paper form as well but applying on the phone means it should get backdated until today.

If you have any joint accounts go and take out half before he gets it frozen.

I think it would definitely be worth seeing a solicitor if you can as well.

Don't try to explain to DS but answer any questions that he has honestly. Some people on here are excellent at coming up with factual but basic and neutral child-friendly explanations. Make sure you tell DS he's allowed to talk about Daddy and if he wants to speak to him he can ring him etc.

Could any of your friends come over for a while? Or go to see them? Just keep busy.

Sorry to hear what you're going through. I left my OH 5 years ago but can still remember the sadness, disbelief, confusion and discombobulation of the first few days after I left. I know every situation is different but I knew there was so much I should and needed to do but couldn't work out where/how to start, who to see, what to do next. I was petrified and felt very alone.

The good thing is that the assets are in your name. By the 'you'll only get the deposit' quote, it sounds advisable to see a solicitor because you will need someone to get a fair settlement sorted. I'd have liked a conciliatory/mediation set-up but it was clear by my OH's attitude and lack of co-operation/fairness, that I needed a solicitor who could put the frighteners on him. My first sol. was too sweet and my OH just took the ...... The second was a guy who was very savvy and tough and that really helped bring him to heel a bit.

You will need to claim benefits but if you can just do what you really have to do and nothing more over the next few days so that you can get over the initial trauma, that might be good. I'm sure you will be exhausted and it is hard to take in information and get yourself mobilised in that state. I've no experience of how to break the news to a 4 year old but the sleepover sounds appropriate at the moment. A sleepover is a concept that he can understand, if not the 'forever' bit.

It's such a daunting, horrible, lonely feeling as you say. You will come out the other end though. A friend who had just got through similar told me that right at the beginning and somehow it helped to know I wasn't alone and someone knew what was involved and how hard it was.

Be kind to yourself and don't expect too much of yourself at the moment, is all I can advise. And when you can get your head round it look into getting a solicitor and the benefits sorted. Keep going. You're not alone.

Oh my goodness all these posts thanks so much I really need your help

Reading through now x

Good point about joint bank account. And keeping in touch with friends if poss. A daily to-do list helped me feel a bit more in control (even if I didn't always get through it.). I won't mention all the cheapo wine and the chocolate involved throughout mine!

You don't say whether you're married or not. If you are, then regardless of whose name things are technically in, they are joint assets and will be split, typically about 70:30 in your favour, with you keeping and housing the children; in addition he will pay maintenance to support you and them.

If you are not married, then his exposure is about 20% of his income to support the 2 children, but not much else unless you can't afford to house them in which case he would have to assist with that as well. What's demonstrably yours or his simply remains so.

You do need a solicitor, if only to ensure that you do the right things / notify the right parties in the right away. Married couples are jointly liable for debts, but there must be some way in which this is suspended from henceforth, otherwise divorcing partners could vengefully borrow money so as to default and make the other repay it. IANAL so I don't know how this works - maybe it would just be fraud - but a lawyer would be able to advise you on anything you need to do now or soon to protect your interests.

Thank you so much for all your posts and support

We are not married

We have no debts apart from a credit card each

I am not too het up about the money I can and will earn enough to support us-it will be tough-but I will do it as I know what he is like and I doubt very much whether he will happily agree to pay maintenance. He sees this as all my fault and I should therefore be out on my ear because of it. Typical behaviour from an abusive man like him. I've seen and read all the signs and know what I am dealing with.

Nelly I assure you I am not here to make money out of this I just wanted to explain the type of man I am dealing with-he wanted me to move out of the house with the children, only getting back my financial contribution that I paid at the outset. Surely my financial contribution to the bills etc and looking after the children-which always fel mostly to me-counts for something? Surely our children are entitled to something? Please be gentle I am feeling very lost and fragile. He also threatened to knock the house down before I recieved a penny which is also a big worry for me

I have just been to the job centre and they have b
Given me a number to call to claim which I am going to do now as youngest is asleep.

I think I will need a solicitor but that terrifies me slightly as I know he will hit the roof when he finds out I have consulted one. Again he we think I will want to leave him high and dry

I have decided to tell everyone I know which wil help to get some outside support and have started to do so

Thanks again for all your support I really need it now

What he thinks is unimportant to you, MrC. It is his own concern.

Do what is right for you - and yes, that means actually fighting for your own interests and the DCs' in the face of his miffed sense of boundless entitlement.

When you say he threatened to knock the house down - could he actually do this? What does he mean?

Sorry, should have added - because if you think it is a real threat, then you NEED to seek legal advice ASAP.

MrCondiment - accept that it's going to be a rough ride going through this with him being your future ex and that he will keep 'hitting the roof'. You do need a very good solicitor who will fight your corner for you. Can you ask your friends/relatives/contacts for names of a good solicitor you can use or do you already know of one who has a good reputation?

Is he the type who likes to 'wage war' against you? Gather all the RL support you can/get all the information you can. Knowledge is power.

He can hit the roof he is wants to - you still have to do what's best for you and dc.

Write stuff down/keep a list of practical stuff to do; but, as it's early days, give yourself a break and don't put too much pressure on yourself. Treat yourself gently/if you're trying to tackle something and it gets overwhelming, give yourself a comfort break and go back to it when you're feeling a bit better.

He cat hit the roof if he wants to/let him hit the roof.

He may well make threats - that's why you need a good solicitor.

I don't think he's that serious about knocking things down

i've just spoken to his sister who is the voice of reason and she seems to have calmed him down. I think he is going to get some stuff when I am out of hte house which is good

I have called benefits office who have said i'm not entitled to income suport/job seekers. I think that's because I said I am employed over 24 hours a week. I just don't know what to say about benefits as I am employed by a company that has only just started so I haven't earned any money yet and unsure when I will as I need to get the work in, do the work then await for client to pay. that could well be another three or four months

I am trying to get through to citizens advice as I guess they will be more knowledgeable. I guess I could claim working tax credits/child tax credits??? I don't know I've never claimed before

I haven't spoken to him yet so don't know how he is feeling but from speaking to his sister he seems to have calmed down a bit

Yes tax credits. Call them, you can apply over the phone. You may get help with childcare as well. It will take a few weeks to come through and you'll probably have to send some stuff through in the post before it gets finished. But they can work on estimated incomes and then adjust at the end of the year. Best to estimate higher than you think so you don't end up having to pay anything back, or just estimate based on current ones and then phone them up to amend if things change.

Being self employed and on benefits is a huge PITA because the system isn't set up to deal with it, but if you can get organised with the paperwork, it will be okay. And definitely any extra money will be a help, and the childcare if you need it.

Contact council to get your council tax reduced to the 75% single adult rate, and see what they say re council tax benefit. You might get some at least for the next few months which should be a help.

Hi,

This is from the CAB website and I think it may be helpful to you
www.adviceguide.org.uk/index/f_ending_a_relationship_unmarried_couples.pdf

Good luck :-)

Thank you so much Bertiebiotts and scattered will take alook at all this tonight after children are in bed

He just came round to get some clothes. Didn't get any just got passports etc. took my engagement ring back

Said a lot of nasty things but I would expect nothing less from the tossed. Would really like to write it down here to prove how nasty it was but can barely bring myself to write it

He wants all the assets divided equally with him getting all the money in that he put in for building the extension-he reckOns this will be £60k which I think is an exaggeration but how can we tell otherwise

I said the easiest way to deal with this as we cannot agree face to face is to get a solicitor involved his face went white

I asked about mOney for the children he said he would give me £60 a week but he won't pay anything towards the bills as I'm currently living in the home

I said I thought it was incredibly sad that he hasn't mentioned the kids at all-when he will see then, what money they get from the house. He just shrugged and is picking DS up from school tomorrow with the parting words 'I will tell him exactly what is going on' oh joy

You really need to see a solicitor and I also advise maybe contacting the CSA for advise, do you know what he earns?
Have a look for any documents, wageslips, invoices for the work on the house and put it where he can't find it, it may come in useful in the future. My ex found my stash of paperwork and hid it from me, it has made some things quite difficult....
Also maybe look at getting the house valued at some point.
Good luck, it's really tough at first.

His face went white when you mentioned a solicitor because he knows that if you are the primary carer for the children, it will probably be facilitated that you stay in the house, at least until the youngest is 18

he thinks he is one step ahead of you

consult a solicitor and bring yourself up to speed so you can't be bullied and bamboozled by him

if he tries to coerce you into "sorting this out between you" give him a big fat "no chance of that"

oops, btw, I meant to add that I am sorry you are having a shit time

looking to the future, it certainly looks brighter, once you have navigated this horrible bit

Thank you both for your posts I will read the thread more thoroughly when the kids are in bed

He would be livid if it turned out that I stayed in the house until the youngest was 18. I think he would almost certainly do something to damage
The house then so that i suffer (ignoring the fact that the children would)

I guess part of me wants the house sold anyway so that he doesn't have any sort of hold on me does anybody have any thoughts on this? I will definitely be consulting a solicitor in any event

It certainly will be brighter anyfucker given what an abusive twat he is-the way he is bahving now just proves what I already know-he couldn't stand the fact that I didn't rise to his bait earlier

of course you should do what suits you best, love

I was merely illustrating the fact that your entitlement to house/possessions/support etc is likely to be waaaaaaaaay more than he would have you believe

true colours innit

shit/fan interface

Thank you anyfucker :) I really appreciate you input