I never want to have sex

[DontWantToHaveSex]

I have namechanged for this, but I am a regular. This is my first post in Relationships though.

I have been married for 5 years (together for 10), and have a DS (nearly 4 yo). I love my husband very much - he is attractive, hard working, loyal, a good friend, funny and there is nobody else for me. We are financially secure, happy and a close couple and a loving family. We are both healthy. We both work hard, but that has always been the case (DH works longer hours than I do). Our DS sleeps well, and is an easy going, darling of a boy. Everything on paper is perfect for us, and we genuinely are happy.

Except that I never (never ever) want to have sex with him. We have sex maybe once every few months, and that's it. He would like to have sex more regularly, but I have no sex drive whatsoever, and haven't had for ages (even before I was pregnant with DS). I don't know why (I am not on the pill - we use condoms whenever we do have sex) and I don't know how to change things. Neither does DH. I canot ever seem to get in the mood for sex, and to be honest, would do anything to avoid it.

I would like for this to be different. I know that having no sex drive isn't normal for a healthy woman in her mid 30s, and I want to change things.

I just don't know what to do.

There's quite a lot going on here.

1. Do you never want to have sex with anyone ever again? Or is it just your DH?

2. Have you always felt like this towards him, or has something changed?

3. Do you enjoy sex once you get going? Have you ever enjoyed sex?

4. Are there any ishoos in your past that might be affecting you now?

5. Do you have any medical issues, or are you on any medication, that could be affecting your sex drive?

I'm sorry for your situation. Hopefully there are things you can do to improve it.

Go to the dr's and speak with them. Likely they'll do a BT and see if there is something a bit out.

I find it hard to get in the mood, DH would defo haveit more often if I offered it, much less of the quickies we used to have, more date nights, movie, dinner and home. Either of our parents are keen baby sitters so we are out more often now, more time to get in the mood.

Jean, I know.

1. I never want to have sex with anyone. I don't fancy anyone else. I don't want to have sex at all.

2. In the early days of our relationship, I couldn't get enough of him. And then it waned a bit, as I would expect. And then it dwindled away to nothing.

3. No, I don't really enjoy sex very much when I get going either. I don't dislike it, but I don't like it. Its ok. Nothing more. I did like it previously though. I've never had an orgasm, but that didn't stop me enjoying the intimacy and closeness and seeing DH enjoying it.

4. I don't think so. No abuse or anything horrible like that, anyway.

5. No, no medical issues and no medication.

I don't know what to do. Thanks for your respnse though. I'm just feeling completely lost about it all. I don't want to be like this.

Did your previously higher libido coincide with you taking the pill?

If you don't have psychological aversion, you may have a medical condition that can be easily resolved.

Take the first steps to resolving this issue by goin to your GP and being as honest with him/her as you have been here.

Ok, so we need to think of things that might be affecting your sex drive.

1. Some sort of medical issue. Going to the doctor's is a good idea.

2. Busy life! Too much work, not enough time for yourself. Not enough time relaxing. Related to this could be: not enough time as a couple, going out, having fun together.

3. Resentment. I know you say you are happy with your husband. Sometimes even in a happy relationship there can be a barely acknowledged level of resentment, for example if you are left with all the grotty household tasks. Have you ever read Wifework? This explains the problem beautifully.
   Nothing destroys sex drive like resentment.

4. Hang ups about sex, usually dating back to your childhood. For example, a very strict religious upbringing where you have been indoctrinated with the idea that sex is wrong, dirty, etc.

have you really never had an orgasm? I mean, even by yourself?

If you are a married mother in your mid-30s and you've never had an orgasm, I'd say something has gone wrong. It's not necessary to orgasm every time you have sex, but it's pretty unusual to have never had an orgasm. I feel pretty sure that if your DH was regularly bringing you to orgasm, you'd be enjoying sex a hell of a lot more and actually instigating it yourself on occasion. Quite frankly, I'd find sex a bit of a chore if it didn't have such a pleasant end result most of the time, so I'm not surprised your libido has dropped.

It's possible that there is some physical reason why you're not orgasming (is it only during sex that you haven't had an orgasm, or have you never had one at all?), in which case you could try mentioning it to your doctor. However, if it's more a question of technique, I'd say a few self-help books and experimentation (possibly by yourself first) would be the way to go.

Good luck.

Thanks Jean.

1. I've had lots fo blood tests over the past 5 years or so. I've never been to see the GP over this issue, but I have had various hormone level tests and things like this because of a bowel problem (which cleared up and didn't return after I got pregnant with DS) and when I was pg with DS for various things (not just the standard blood tests you get whenm pregnant). I don't think I have any form of mental health issue at all.

2. Definitely, but life has always been busy. DH and I rarely go out just the two of us, but it does happen. I think twice so far this year, but it does happen.

3. I haven't read that book, and maybe I should. But I am not left doing the household tasks as we have a weekly cleaner who also does all the ironing. I am incredibly fortunate. Both DH and I earn enough money to afford luxuries like this. I work 3 days a week, and Dh works full time (and more). He does a good share of looking after DS at the weekend too. He really does pull his weight. We both do.

4. Maybe. My parents never ever discussed sex with me. I made a couple of mistakes in relation to sex as a teenager and my mum made her feelings about them known by refusing to acknowledge me for a few days (the first time) and then leaving the home for a few days (the second time). I 100% acknowledge to myself that I made these mistakes and that I was 100% in the wrong. We have never spoken about them, ever. And I never want to - too painful and cringe-y. I have never thought of them again until now. I don't know whether this has any relevance at all. It may not.

Izzy, I only took the pill for about 6 months when I was at uni (15 years ago now), so I don't think its that.

I am so confused and at a loss. I don't want to talk to my GP - I would rather avoid this route if there is another way.

I have never had an orgasm. not by myself, with a partner, or with DH. And now I feel awful.

aw, don't feel awful - its just that its no wonder you don't really feel like having sex if you are not getting any enjoyment from it.

would you feel comfortable in experimenting by yourself to see what feels nice? then you can maybe ask your DH to do the same thing.

Please don't feel awful, honey. Some women are not naturally orgasmic - but it can be a lot of fun putting that right .

It does sound as if you may have a deep-seated psychological issue but just because it may be firmly embedded in the past, that doesn't mean it can't be quickly and painlessly uprooted.

As your GP is the conduit to the necessary medication and therapies, there isn't another way unless you're prepared to invest in a vibrator and an instructive sex book or two to see if you can give yourself an orgasm?

If you're with a group practice make an appointment to see a female doctor - and don't be embarrassed as you won't be the first, and you won't be the last, patient who's been suffering in silence for far too long.

Please try not to feel bad, or guilty. This is not your fault. You are being brave and sensible by accepting you are not happy with the situation and posting on here for advice on how to fix it.

From what you have said so far, it does sound like you might have some hang ups about sex. Do you never masturbate? I'm sorry to be so personal, but most people do.

Have you ever thought about some counselling? You might find this very helpful in sorting out your feelings.

Don'tWnatToHaveSex - I'm really, really sorry if my post has made you feel bad. That wasn't my intention.

There is nothing wrong with you as a person, even if you can't orgasm because of medical reasons, it doesn't mean you're defective any more than someone who has to take insulin for diabetes is defective. It just means you have a medical issue (and hopefully one that can be fixed).

If it's not medical, then there's still no reason to feel bad about it. Orgasms are like children - they don't come with an inbuilt knowledge of how to do it right and some people are naturally more able than others. But everyone can learn and it's never too late to start trying.

Try to think of it as the start of an exciting new era in your marriage - one that will hopefully lead to much more sexual fulfilment for both of you.

Sorry again.

Thanks all for your advice. I really appreciate and am grateful for the responses. Nobody has made me feel awful, I just do feel awful. Its all from me. I am trying to be positive about making a change. Addressing some of the points:

Jean I don't masturbate. I never have. I've given it a go once or twice, but never got any enjoyment from it, so I just stopped. I must be doing it wrong. I've never thought about counselling. I wouldn't knwo what to saya. I can talk to my Dh if I want to - god knows he wants me to. But I simply have nothing to say about this. So I don't know whether there would be any point.

Would you be able, izzy to recommend an 'instructive sex book and vibrator'? I am willing to give it a go. I don't know what to do for the best, and I'm not comfortable with any of it. but I know I have to do something, so I'm willing to give this a go. Its just that I don't know where to start. And I fully accept that this isn't normal for someone in my position, as I am quite capable of making DH feel good, just not myself.

moonshine What kind of physical reason could there be for not orgasming do you think? Its not something I've ever considered. Is there something physiologically awry with me that I siomply don't know about? I suppose there could be. I have no idea.

I can't muster up the strength or the willing to go to a GP. I just can't. I would rather go down other routes if they are open to me. I'm not ready to go to a GP yet. This is the first time I have spoken to anyone about this issue (save for DH, and then I just clam up) and its just a step too far for me.

Speaking as someone who's had counselling, it can definitely be helpful with any sort of sexual problem.

It's possible, given your first sexual experiences, that sex has some negative associations for you. A counsellor can help you untangle your thoughts. You don't need to know what to say. Just go along and have a chat and see what comes out of it.

You say you feel uncomfortable about sex, you say you clam up when speaking to your husband about it. Speaking to a non-threatening, friendly, trained listener could be a good strategy.

DontWant You amy find this page (it has a reading list at the bottom) an this page helpful in finding out more. There's lots you can do that don't involve talking face to face with anyone.

Moonshine, I've bought a few books. Its a start. I read some reviews of the books suggested in that reading list,a nd they weren't for me. but amazon came up with some linked books, and they seemed a little more like what would suit me, so I have three on the way. Hopefully they'll help.

Getting a little more daring now - baby steps and all - may try a vibrator. But I'm not sure.

I am a long way off being able to talk to anyone IRL about this sorry Jean. Its not that I don't see the benefits of counselling - I really do. I'm just not ready for something like that. Sorry. I know you're trying to help and I do appreciate it.

I'm sure books will be helpful. Hope things work out for you - good luck with it all.

You can always post on here and talk to people that way. Just do whatever feels most comfortable (no double entendre intended :)).

maybe you are asexual though? some people just are aren't they, like some people are hetero or homo or bisexual?

Maybe Tenderly. I hope not though. I'm not comfortable with that being my present or my future, and I love DH very much and want to have what so many other couples seem to have.

Thanks Jean.

4) Maybe. My parents never ever discussed sex with me. I made a couple of mistakes in relation to sex as a teenager and my mum made her feelings about them known by refusing to acknowledge me for a few days (the first time) and then leaving the home for a few days (the second time). I 100% acknowledge to myself that I made these mistakes and that I was 100% in the wrong. We have never spoken about them, ever. And I never want to - too painful and cringe-y. I have never thought of them again until now. I don't know whether this has any relevance at all. It may not.

OK, whoah. Your mother stopped speaking to you and then another time left the house for several days because of a "mistake" you made as a teenager? And today you are still saying that you were "100% in the wrong"?

What the hell kind of sexual "mistake" can a teenager the age at which we experiment with sex make? You're supposed to be testing out your sexual being at that age!

And how can a parent lay that kind of guilt trip on her child? Walking out, and then not even speaking about it? I think you weren't treated very justly or kindly by your mother at that time, OP. There is no way that you deserved that reaction from her.

ItsMe, Obviously, my actions didn't justify my mum's reactions. She was reacting to a combination of things, I'd imagine, and my actions tipped her over the edge. I believe that my parents had problems in their communication and that's how she reacted to those problems. What I did was wrong, my actions were 100% wrong, but they don't justify my mum's reactions at all. I acknowledge this.

FWIW I'll tell you what I did to give this some context.

When I was 15, I had been dating a chap in my class at school for a couple of years (to the extent that you are dating at that age). I thought I wanted to have sex with him. I knew that my best friend's parents were going to be out of town one Saturday night, and I invented a story to my mum about her having a party (I didn't say that her parents were going to be away). There was no party - she invited her boyfriend, and I invited my boyfriend round to their house and they both stayed the night. Me and my boyfriend slept in the same bed, but I changed my mind about havng sex witgh him as I didn't want to. he was fine with this. My parents found out somehow that my boyfriend had been there, and the next morning, when I went home, told me that they knew he'd been there. Then my mum didn't acknowledge me at home for a few days. No doubt she felt very betrayed by my lies, and I think she thought I'd had sex with him.

Then, when I was 20, I had been seeing a chap from uni for a couple of years. He came to stay with me, at my parents' house, for a few nights over the summer holidays. My mum told me that I was not to have sex with him in the house (we were staying in separate bedrooms). When my mum was at work one day, me and the boyfriend were messing around in the room he was staying in, and he ended up climaxing as I was touching him. It must have left a mark on the sheets, and I hadn't realised. My mum was changing the bedlinen, saw the stain, shouted a lot, packed a bag and walked out. I had to tell my dad when he came home from work. Boyfriend went back to his parents' house (we stayed together for a year afterwards). My mum called my dad that night to say that she would be back in a few days. She came back. She asked if I had anything to say to her and I said sorry. That was the end of the conversation.

We have never spoken about either incident. I am ashamed of my actions, but I know that my mum shouldn't have reacted as she did. And I am quite close to my mum. I never want to talk about it with her though.

I'm sure you can see that your mum overreacted to an unbelievable extent. And that this might have left you with negative associations towards your own sexual activity.

It sounds as though your mother had a very unhealthy attitude towards sex.

I hope you know that what you did wasn't that bad. Normal teenage stuff.

I see a completely normal teenager/young person, and a completely toxic mother, in what you describe.

And there are large swathes of what you have written in your last post that I could have written too. I really would recommend you try talk therapy, if you are at all willing to. It unravels a LOT of the knotted mess of our history and our emotions.

PS well done that 15 year old chap for accepting "no" when he was told it.

...and well done to 15 year old you for saying "no" when that is what she wanted.