I never want to have sex

[DontWantToHaveSex]

I have namechanged for this, but I am a regular. This is my first post in Relationships though.

I have been married for 5 years (together for 10), and have a DS (nearly 4 yo). I love my husband very much - he is attractive, hard working, loyal, a good friend, funny and there is nobody else for me. We are financially secure, happy and a close couple and a loving family. We are both healthy. We both work hard, but that has always been the case (DH works longer hours than I do). Our DS sleeps well, and is an easy going, darling of a boy. Everything on paper is perfect for us, and we genuinely are happy.

Except that I never (never ever) want to have sex with him. We have sex maybe once every few months, and that's it. He would like to have sex more regularly, but I have no sex drive whatsoever, and haven't had for ages (even before I was pregnant with DS). I don't know why (I am not on the pill - we use condoms whenever we do have sex) and I don't know how to change things. Neither does DH. I canot ever seem to get in the mood for sex, and to be honest, would do anything to avoid it.

I would like for this to be different. I know that having no sex drive isn't normal for a healthy woman in her mid 30s, and I want to change things.

I just don't know what to do.

You should not be at all ashamed.

Your mother ought to be very very ashamed tho.

Its Me - that 15 year old chap went on to tell his friend, who told the whole class, that we'd had sex! We hadn't. Oh well - its all by the by. Most of my class were having sex then, or at least saying they were. As you say, teenager stuff.

I don't know how much of an impact these things have had, you know. As far as the second event, when I was 20 goes, I hadn't had an orgasm before that either, so I'm not sure how much I'd link the two.

Jean I don't know what my mother's attitude towards sex is. We've never discussed it. I don't know whether I want to know! Because we've never had that kind of dsicussion in the past, it would be odd to now. I'm sure though that she would give the pc answer and say that it is an important part of a loving relationship, because that is what it can be. We're very close now in many ways. She is loving and extremely caring and generous to a fault. DH finds her a bit too engulfing though he recognises that she means very well indeed, but that's just her way I think.

I'm just not ready to talk about this IRL, sorry. Its hard enough thinking about it. All very emotional.

Ah. Boo to that insecure teenage boy's trifling with your reputation, then.

Of course it's emotional. And hard to think about. These are the most painful things we have to deal with! Lancing the boil eventually is better than letting it fester, though.

Engulfing mothers

Interesting article. I see my mum's faults (and I'm not perfect either - who is?) but to be fair to her, she's not like this. She has encouraged me to be very independent and do things with my life that are the polar popposite of lots and lots of the traits that are described in this article. For example, I 've lived 200 miles away from my family home for the last 13 years so that I have better professional opportunities, and she has enocouraged me to fulfill my dreams and balance my family life and work. I do recognise my friend's mum in there though!

I really do want to address whatever problems I ahve in relation to sex, but I'm not ready to talk about it with a professional IRL. I feel that I need to stake smaller steps first. Its bloody hard though. And I don't know if I am going down the right path. I hate to blame whatever issue I have on anyone else.

I canot ever seem to get in the mood for sex, and to be honest, would do anything to avoid it.

I feel the same about gardening.

Some good advice from Penguins there. I think OP that you're braver than you think. Try a vibrator. If it isn't your thing, then no loss. But worth a go. How are you getting on?

Hi, I've read your posts and I share some of your feelings. I posted a while ago about never having sex, haven't since my daughter was born over two years ago.

I also don't know how to restart. I just can't be bothered to do it. I used to enjoy it but can't summon the will these days. It's like a piece of me died or something.

In my youth I didn't orgasm. However I found a vibrator did the trick.

Maybe we need a sex drought support thread!

BTW, I don't think you did anything wrong as a teenager and I think what your mum did was awful. I also had a mum who would express her disapproval by not looking at me/withdrawing/going out - even as an older child I found it scary. I used to wonder if she would ever love me again.

I think your mother's behaviour was appalling, as well. She did some serious damage to your sexual self by giving you the message that a bit of mild consensual teenage fun was unmentoionably shameful and disgusting: no wonder you've never felt much enthusiasm for it since.
You've had some very good advice already, and I would like to recommend another site which you might want to progress onto: it's a little unsubtle but the organisers are very genuine, lovely people.