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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Should I be worried, or am I just being paranoid?

51 replies

workingmumee · 01/11/2011 12:01

Need some wise words from the collective mumsnet council

I?ve recently been seeing a new man (about 4 months) it started out as nothing more than a quick shag, but as we were already friends it?s grown rather quickly into a relationship.

I see him about once a week, I would love to see him more, but trying to arrange a sitter for DD can be difficult, and I have also recently started a new job which involves a 4 hour commute each day as well as a large number of evening events I need to attend. So for me the precious 30 minutes I get to see DD before she goes to bed is very important to me, because I already feel I?m doing a crap job as a parent as I?m there so infrequently during the week.

Sorry to supply what probably seems like random info but I wanted to give a bit of back story.

So everything is going well and we?re all happy, and I was planning to go see him this evening, but due to last minute important work commitments I?ve had to cancel on him this morning.

And this is where I start to worry, he?s rather upset and sent me a couple of stroppy texts saying how disappointed he is in me. As a one off I can understand/ forgive that, but then I think back to a few years ago when we almost went out a few times, but I couldn?t get any free time and again he used the ?I?m disappointed in you? line, which really got my back up and I backed away completely and it took us over a year to actually rebuild our friendship.

Now I?m probably being overly sensitive because it was something my SBXH used to say a lot particularly when trying to control me for example ?I?m disappointed you feel you need friends outside of our relationship?, ?I?m disappointed that you feel you can share things about our relationship with your friends? (or have a job, have independent hobbies, basically want to do anything on my own)

So am I being paranoid, is he just expressing that he really would like to see me (in maybe not the best way ? given he knows my issues with SBXH) or should I be seeing a small warning signal?

OP posts:
izzywhizzysgunpowderplot · 01/11/2011 12:25

He's disappointed in you because you've had to cancel due to work commitments that you have no control over?

Small warning signal? It's a huge beacon! You backed away from him before and now it's time to back away for ever.

In any event, given that your dd needs time to adjust to seeing a lot less of you due to your long commute and required attendance at evening events, you're best advised to concentrate your free time and energy on her until you're both settled into the new routine.

Tell the knobhead you don't want a relationship with anyone who's disappointed in you and that you're already over your disappointment in him.

ColdToast · 01/11/2011 12:29

"I'm disappointed in you" sounds more like a parent/child relationship than an adult relationship.

This early on in your relationship, I would see this as a major warning signal. Most reasonable adults would accept that work and family committments may need to come first.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 01/11/2011 12:30

What Izzy said.

Big red flags all round. He has used that line on you previously as well when you almost went out with each other.

Concentrate instead on you and your DD; this bloke needs to be binned.

buzzskeleton · 01/11/2011 12:34

It's a wanky thing to say. One thing to be disappointed about not seeing you, totally another to be disappointed in you. And being stroppy about you having to work, when it's a new job and obviously you can't pick & choose your hours?

I wouldn't ignore your feelings or dismiss them as paranoid - I think it's very important to trust your instincts. We often give too many chances against our own gut, and I think it's pretty rare that that works out in our best interests.

BearWith · 01/11/2011 12:49

RED FLLLAAAAAGGGGGGG.

'I'm disappointed' - a bit petulant to actually say it, but understandable emotions for him to be feeling.

'I'm disappointed in you' - so uncool and really patronizing, potentially abusive/guilt trip/cutting you off from friends territory.

He already has form because this has happened in the past and took you ages to get back from? Huge red flag. Because he's obviously behaving in a way you don't like, and he's obviously not changing over time.
Pffft.

bellsring · 01/11/2011 12:49

workingmumee - red flag for me here. It was the kind of terminology ex would use with me.

bellsring · 01/11/2011 12:51

It is patronising, cold, trying to scold you like a child language, arrogant................

bellsring · 01/11/2011 12:52

You're already falling short of his expectations.

Apologies if I'm overreacting but ex used those words all the time.

lampli · 01/11/2011 12:53

This is a huge red flag and would have me running for the hills.

BearWith · 01/11/2011 12:54

Also meant to say, it sounds like history is just repeating itself with you two in terms of the lack of free time/him then getting stroppy, and perhaps the reasons why it didn't work then are still valid as neither of you have really changed. It also sounds like you kind of fell into this current setup as it started out casually. Which is fine but you need to be extra conscious that you want to be in the relationship you're in.

I'd bin him after a remark like that, frankly - it's early days. But that's just me Grin

Original poster
workingmumee · 01/11/2011 12:56

Thank you so much all for your advice, I really wasn't sure if I was just being a paranoid nut job, and I was about to over look it, but something just didn't feel right.

I'm so glad I came on here and asked for your advice, I can always rely on you lot to be completely honest and put my mind at rest.

And you're completely right about spending time with DD, I have said to him in the past that although I may have a free evening (ie no work stuff planned) I still don't want to miss my time with DD. His suggestion was that he was happy to spend time with her, if it meant he could see me more often, but again, I just didn't feel right about it (it's far too soon for that above any other reason) and he does seem to sulk a bit when I say I'm spending a weekend with just DD and won't be around to chat, or message him until she's gone to bed.

OP posts:
bellsring · 01/11/2011 12:59

I now get concerned when my ex uses that terminology with our dd.

Still not sure if I am over-sensitive or he is just being a dad telling off his dd.

PartyPooperz · 01/11/2011 13:01

Hmmmm....given the history he sounds like he has ishoos. And I do think red flags are flying high. But....

Is there any room for this kind of exchange:

Him: I am disappointed in you
You: (ignoring the in you bit) I know (sweety diddums) I am disappointed not to get to see you too but am looking forward to (whenver you will next see him) even more now

Do you think he would be pointed enough to want to make it clear to you, no no, I am disappointed in you workingmummee? Because at that point you have your golden opportunity to say....er, what a strange thing to say? Are you my dad? Are you my controlling abusive ex? What on earth would make you say that?

Or actually it's quicker for me to agree with ^Bearwith above - which I do!

Original poster
workingmumee · 01/11/2011 13:02

ok, so chuck via text or do the nice thing and call him (can't be bothered going to see him.)

I have not replied to him after his "I'm so dissapointed in you" message, and have had a few more messages

"Sorry"
"I didn't mean to sound so petulant"
"Honestly it's ok"
"I'll even let you make it up to me Wink" (I'm guessing that's in reply to my origonal message when I said I would have to cancel, but would make it up to him)

OP posts:
Original poster
workingmumee · 01/11/2011 13:05

@PartyPooperz - we had that sort of exchange the first time he said it, which is why he knows that my ex was a controlling PITA.

OP posts:
lampli · 01/11/2011 13:10

Over what time period did you receive those four texts? Personally I would chuck by text given what you have experienced thus far.

bellsring · 01/11/2011 13:10

OP, you said you'd already told him you would make it up to him, I see

but, I'll even let you make it up to me is arrogant and aren't you the lucky girl.

izzywhizzysgunpowderplot · 01/11/2011 13:10

They're always sorry after Hmm

I'd suggest you keep him as an occasional fuck buddy but, frankly, he's got too many issues and you don't have the time to be constantly checking your radar.

As you seriously do not need another controlling twat in your life, I have no compunction in advising you to bin him.

bellsring · 01/11/2011 13:11

That is exactly what my ex would say to me as well.

They are using the same script.

Original poster
workingmumee · 01/11/2011 13:18

@Lampli - the "I'm disappointed..." text was sent at about 8am this morning, the rest came in between then and 10:30.

@Bellsring - Yeah I sent him that as soon as I was up this morning and I found out I was going to have to cancel, didn't want to just cancel and was said with flirtatious intent

OP posts:
lampli · 01/11/2011 13:24

I agree about the letting you make it up to him. That is a lot of texts in a short time if you've not been responding and is another alarm bell imo, trying to draw you back in.

mumsamilitant · 01/11/2011 13:49

Just dump Mr Disappointed by text then you won't HAVE to let you make anything up to him. Big headed twit.

mumsamilitant · 01/11/2011 13:49

he not you, typing too fast as usual.

SolidGoldVampireBat · 01/11/2011 13:51

Just dump this bellend. He thinks that because you are a woman, the only thing that should matter in your life is pleasing him.

bellsring · 01/11/2011 13:59

Yes, and this will develop into it being 'impossible' to please him. He is already taking up loads of your headspace.

Get rid of him. I don't think you could have him as f...buddy even. He would give you grief.

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