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Original poster

Am I being taken for a complete mug?

32 replies

SoozleQ · 31/10/2011 22:40

Please be gentle with me and I'm sorry if this is long!

Right, so, DP and I have been together for 6 years and have a one year old DD. Due to house building issues, DD is still in our room - we really do need to move her out! Since DD's birth, our sex life has been a bit, ahem, infrequent. This is probably mainly down to me, partly because it took a while to get over my CSection, partly because DD is still in with us and partly because DP falls asleep on the sofa of an evening and we don't end up going to bed until really late. When we do and he gets frisky, I'm knackered and want to go to sleep.

Anyway, I discovered through bloody facebook that DP has been engaging in some very dirty chatting and has been exchanging w*nking videos with some woman he went to school with. I challenged him on this and we talked about it. He's always had a high sex drive and claimed he felt rejected by me and just liked the attention this other woman gave him - I can understand this although obviously I don't condone his actions. He was adamant he has never laid a finger on another woman and I do believe him on that. He says it's me he loves and wants to be with, he's really ashamed of what he did and that he won't have any more contact with her. I also found out he's been looking at porn which I am slightly less bothered about.

Also as part of this chat, he revealed that he's managed to rack up £18k worth of debt that I knew nothing about. Our finances have always been kept separate - I bought my house before I met him and when he moved in I wanted to ensure that he couldn't claim any right to my property so I pay my mortgage and all the household bills and he paid for groceries and nights out etc. He's divorced with a daughter from his previous marriage so I also wanted to make sure that his ex-wife couldn't claim anything out of my assets by keeping them separate. I earn a good wage and have good savings and it appears that DP, out of pride, kept quiet about his financial difficulties, getting himself into more of a hole. He has seemed pretty stressed about stuff recently.

I don't think I'm completely stupid but am I being taken for a complete mug? Obviously I have made it very clear how I feel about his cybersexing but have accepted his apologies and we are moving on from that. He's an excellent dad, very involved in the home and housekeeping and I don't want to throw away our relationship if his indiscretions are just as above. On the basis that we are in this for the long haul, I have also helped him out with his debts - surely if we are a team it makes no sense for our finances to be so unequal. Am I mad?

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 31/10/2011 22:47

How did he manage to get 18k of debt? Are you sure there isn't anything else he is keeping from you?

I do think you are perhaps being a bit too trusting.

GypsyMoth · 31/10/2011 22:48

Sorry about this op..... But 18k on what exactly?

jasper · 31/10/2011 22:51

Well done on keeping your major finances separate.
Are you mad? No, but you have to work out in your mind what you are and are not prepared to put up with. You sound very level headed and are to be commended for wanting to draw a line under recent stuff.

You are likely to get differing advice here insisting he is lying to you and concealing other (not cyber) sex stuff. Only you can decide whether to trust what he tells you is the full truth.

What was the 18k spent on? This would bother me more than the sex stuff

droitwichmummy · 31/10/2011 22:52

I could have written the first part of your post. My 'D'H has also been using Facebook for flirting with women he went to school with which is WAY over the top. He had an affair with one woman he met on there (which has now ended) and I am now working through what I want to do as I am finding it very hard to trust him anymore.
This is not meant as a hijack btw; you are NOT mad although we may both be mugs. Only you can decide whether you can get over your DP's indiscretions and his debts. I thought I could at the beginning, but am not so sure any more.
Sorry I can't offer you any more help or advice. Someone wiser will probably be along soon.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do x

AnyPhantomFucker · 31/10/2011 22:53

what did he spend the money on ? Shock

< ignores the sexual infidelity for now >

rightchoice · 31/10/2011 22:53

If he has eighteen thousand pounds worth of credit card debt, I imagine he has not actually been paying for the nights out and groceries, they are probably all being put on to his credit card. You need to get to the bottom of this soon.

Original poster
SoozleQ · 31/10/2011 22:54

18k of debt built up over time. He changed jobs about 4 years ago and his salary went down by about £6k but his spending didn't. He racked up credit card debts, took out a loan to repay them (including over £2k PPI which he's currently trying to claim back), but then kept putting stuff on his credit card. Card companies put up his interest rate because he was at his limit and charging him for going over his limit etc etc. Basically, he is rubbish with financials. Fuel price increases have crippled him - £300 a month. I've seen his statements and I don't think there's anything sinister he's keeping from me. I just think his pride kept him from telling me he couldn't afford stuff and I let him pay for things because I didn't realise the hole he was in.

OP posts:
rightchoice · 31/10/2011 22:59

There is only one way to sort out the financial problem and that is total transparancy on his part. Whether you want to take this on is another matter totally. Think long and hard. Sounds like you have worked hard to get yourself secure- he could blow it all away - soon.

jasper · 31/10/2011 23:01

I would be very concerned about anyone who was able to stick their head in the sand over a four year creeping 18k debt . It would not bode well for other ways in which they might self delude.

You need to have some very long discussions if you have not done so already.

wishing you good luck

AKissIsNotAContract · 31/10/2011 23:02

You seem to be almost blaming yourself for his wrongdoings. He exchanged wanking videos with a woman - you excuse this by blaming yourself for being pregnant/having your DD in your room. He gets into debt - you bail him out and blame yourself for not sharing your finances sooner.

AnyPhantomFucker · 31/10/2011 23:10

this guy is gooood Shock

Original poster
SoozleQ · 31/10/2011 23:15

Agree re transparency Rightchoice - I did basically say that a condition of me bailing him out would be that he wouldn't throw a tantrum if I treated him a bit like a 12 year old by keeping an eye on things. He's done everything I've asked him to so far in terms of cancelling certain direct debit or swapping bank accounts etc. He offered me all his internet banking log on details so I will check up on him.

I don't think I blame myself AKiss but I tried to really think about what I wanted and what everything meant before talking to him rather than go off the deep end as soon as I found out. I think it's more that I tried to understand how the situation arose - I can see how positive attention from other women might be welcomed if he felt that I wasn't giving him enough positive attention - doesn't excuse what he did, of course, and I hope I made it clear I wouldn't accept it happening again. I'm trying to see it as a wake up call that, as a couple, there are things that we can both do to make things better.

Re the finances, I certainly don't blame myself there - he's been an idiot. I see it more that, notwithstanding that I've tried to keep things separate, between us we have a total pot of money and it makes no sense that that pot is reduced because he ends up paying interest, fees and charges to banks when I can stop that. He intends to pay me back!

OP posts:
carantala · 31/10/2011 23:15

*am I being taken for a complete mug?"

Sorry, the answer is yes!

Original poster
SoozleQ · 31/10/2011 23:17

AnyPhantom - that is my main worry Confused

OP posts:
stayforappledunking · 31/10/2011 23:18

OP.

A decent guy does not exchange wanking videos when his DP is carrying his baby.

A decent guy does not rack up 18K of debt behind his DP's back.

Why are you excusing him these things? You are allowing yourself to be a mug yes. If he can do such things at what is one of the most vulnerable times in a womans life, he is no decent guy.

I am not going to scream leave the bastard at you, for me personally he would be out on his ear but you need to be putting your foot down hard. Your post screams total doormat to me and if you continue to be as complacent as you are coming across, he will very likely if not definitely take advantage of that nature in the future.

madonnawhore · 31/10/2011 23:19

Don't bail him out!! You've kept your finances separate all this time, for what? So you can take on his debt while he wanks off to other women?

Yes, you're being a mug.

AKissIsNotAContract · 31/10/2011 23:20

If he intends to pay you back then perhaps you should get something in writing to that effect. It would be awful for you to use your savings to clear all his debts then find that he runs off with 'wanking video woman'.

Xmasbaby11 · 31/10/2011 23:25

I would be furious. He has betrayed you in two ways, both difficult to forgive. He basically sounds very immature and not an equal in an adult relationship, so for me personally I could not be as reasonable as you. However, I have to say I have not been in your situation, so I know it is not so black and white.

Could you draw up a binding agreement for him to pay you back? I think you have done well to keep finances separate and advise you to continue to do so.

Original poster
SoozleQ · 31/10/2011 23:27

Heh, AKiss, you'll laugh at this, but drafting loan agreements is what I do. Loan agreements aren't much use, though, when the borrower has bugger all assets if you want to try to enforce it. I'm pretty certain he's not going run off with 'wanking video woman'. Whether there's anyone else on the horizon is, I suppose, a different matter.

OP posts:
happybubblebrain · 31/10/2011 23:27

Yes you are being a mug. I know that because I've been one too and seen the same thing happen with friends also. This relationship is probably going to get more and more expensive for you. Bailing someone out is just asking for more trouble in the future. Let him sort out his financial problems.

nothaunted · 31/10/2011 23:29

What would you do if it was your 12-year-old son or 22-year-old son? Instead of facebooking he should be trawling whatever good money saving/budgeting sites exist and working out how to cut down on his spending. Perhaps he could consider not upgrading his computer or paying for internet access at home Grin.
Whatever happens next you need to make sure he doesn't think he can take you for a mug ever again. Consider the debt repayment a loan - you should insist on certain conditions for helping him out of the hole. And perhaps if he wasn't getting frisky on facebook, he would have some energy to sort DD's room, devote to you and not fall asleep on the sofa.

Original poster
SoozleQ · 31/10/2011 23:31

Sadly nothaunted I pay for internet access at home. Agree with everything else you say Smile

OP posts:
AnyPhantomFucker · 31/10/2011 23:39

sooz....have you checked his internet history ?

does he have online billing for a mobile phone ?

this amount of debt, the porn use and the compulsive wanking with a bimbo from his past screams "pays for sex" to me...whether that is pay per view crap, escorts, or web camming

I would be scrutinizing his internet usage very, very carefully

and wondering what exactly I was bailing him out of and supporting him financially to continue doing, since you seem hell bent on taking half the blame for it

rightchoice · 31/10/2011 23:40

Could history be repeating itself? Did this happen last time for him too. Just be very very careful and make sure you know all the facts before you assume responsibility for anything - we have all seen it happen so many times before. Please tread carefully.

mumblejumble · 01/11/2011 01:33

18K????
This guy doens't give a shit about you and his daughter.
He is selfish and using you.
He should want to contribute towards the life he shares (supposedly) with you.....I think you are being a prize mug. Sorry OP.