Am I being taken for a complete mug?

[SoozleQ]

Please be gentle with me and I'm sorry if this is long!

Right, so, DP and I have been together for 6 years and have a one year old DD. Due to house building issues, DD is still in our room - we really do need to move her out! Since DD's birth, our sex life has been a bit, ahem, infrequent. This is probably mainly down to me, partly because it took a while to get over my CSection, partly because DD is still in with us and partly because DP falls asleep on the sofa of an evening and we don't end up going to bed until really late. When we do and he gets frisky, I'm knackered and want to go to sleep.

Anyway, I discovered through bloody facebook that DP has been engaging in some very dirty chatting and has been exchanging w*nking videos with some woman he went to school with. I challenged him on this and we talked about it. He's always had a high sex drive and claimed he felt rejected by me and just liked the attention this other woman gave him - I can understand this although obviously I don't condone his actions. He was adamant he has never laid a finger on another woman and I do believe him on that. He says it's me he loves and wants to be with, he's really ashamed of what he did and that he won't have any more contact with her. I also found out he's been looking at porn which I am slightly less bothered about.

Also as part of this chat, he revealed that he's managed to rack up £18k worth of debt that I knew nothing about. Our finances have always been kept separate - I bought my house before I met him and when he moved in I wanted to ensure that he couldn't claim any right to my property so I pay my mortgage and all the household bills and he paid for groceries and nights out etc. He's divorced with a daughter from his previous marriage so I also wanted to make sure that his ex-wife couldn't claim anything out of my assets by keeping them separate. I earn a good wage and have good savings and it appears that DP, out of pride, kept quiet about his financial difficulties, getting himself into more of a hole. He has seemed pretty stressed about stuff recently.

I don't think I'm completely stupid but am I being taken for a complete mug? Obviously I have made it very clear how I feel about his cybersexing but have accepted his apologies and we are moving on from that. He's an excellent dad, very involved in the home and housekeeping and I don't want to throw away our relationship if his indiscretions are just as above. On the basis that we are in this for the long haul, I have also helped him out with his debts - surely if we are a team it makes no sense for our finances to be so unequal. Am I mad?

My reply maybe a little unpopular but I believe you love this man very much & as far as the fb stuff goes if thats all that went on between them & he deletes his profile plus allows you to be a bit untrusting of him for a while..(checking his emails & phone etc..) then I too could get over this. I think by creating a childfree calm, romantic master bedroom & some couple time, date nights etc then maybe that side of your relationship might come back but it is something that you both need to work on, not just you because your libido has dipped but he has got not now not only gain back your interest but your respect too!!
Too many couples ( me included) give up too soon & at the 1st hurdle it is madness to walk away from someone you love so deeply just because they made a mistake you know you can get over. If his debts are for a more sinister reason or his mistakes continue to be unearthed then at least you know in your heart you tried everything you could to save the relationship because only then can you move on. Good luck!

Why the hell should she be fucking around with 'romantic bedrooms' and date nights?

He's the one who screwed up, and the onus is on him to fix it.

Personally, I'd bin him, but my cocklodger tolerance threshold is set low, and for good reasons .

18k of debt and cheating (let's be straight here, just because they didn't actually bump uglies doesn't lessen the fact that he got his rocks off with another woman) is not some minor slip -up that you can just get over.

Soozle

You're being taken for a fool here by this person/cocklodger. Cybersexing with some woman he went to school with, looking at porn on the web, 18K of debt; what else don't you know and do you really know him at all?. Why have you also helped him out with his debts; doing that is enabling him and only gives you a false sense of control.

Also if the relationship is in trouble why is it seemingly only down to the woman to save it by suggesting to him date nights and other such malarkey?. All this about investing in a relationship sometimes keeps women in crap relationships a lot longer than they should have done.

It is telling to me that you have used the phrase "excellent dad"; this to me is the usual default position used by some women when they themselves have or can think of nothing at all positive to say about their man.

christ on a bike, that "just give him more blow jobs to entice him back to you" really makes me puke

Yes you are - it's that simple. You've basically shown him that no matter what he does you will forgive him. What an example for your child.

Is this the first time he has cocked up? I admit, he has ballsed things up spectacularly, but only you know what he is like the rest of the time and I do think that is worth taking into account.

The money side of things, I can actually see how that happens, I was in a similar position of utter denial and trying to cope with debt and not wanting anyone to know (it was a pride thing) but someone else bailing him out - ie you giving him the money, isn't the answer because he will never learn to manage his finances and this could easily happen again. Did you discover this or did he come clean? If he told you about it, then he has taken atleast a certain amount of ownership. if you have discovered it, then I would be questioning what else he has hidden from you.

As for the wanking videos..... this would hurt me, and would break my trust alot more than the money side of things. If you feel you can forgive this and trust again - and this is the first time - then perhaps 6 years and a child together is not worth sacrificing. Alot of women wouldn't be able to get over this - so its a personal choice only you can make.

I personally feel that you seem to be handling this remarkably reasonably and well, and you must be feeling awful, so I hope you are ok - and can come to some decisions that work for you and your family.