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Original poster

Why am I like this when The Upgrade is being nice?

37 replies

fluffythevampirestabber · 31/10/2011 21:17

The Upgrade has been texting as he's not here tonight.

He's been saying really nice sweet things but instead of feeling warm and fuzzy and nice inside, it makes me feel uncomfortable.

Why do I feel like this and what can I do to stop it?

OP posts:
ChippingInAutumnLover · 31/10/2011 21:20

Because you're a bloody numpty!

ChippingInAutumnLover · 31/10/2011 21:20

But you know I luff ya - numptiness & all Grin

Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 31/10/2011 21:21
Grin

Thanks for that Chipping Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 31/10/2011 21:21

I luuuurrve you too Grin

OP posts:
madonnawhore · 31/10/2011 21:22

Uncomfortable in what way? Stifled? Or icky?

ChippingInAutumnLover · 31/10/2011 21:22

So - do you think it's because it's disrupting your peace & quiet or is it simply because you don't think you are worthy of all of this love & attention?

Seriously, lovely thing, why do you think it's making you feel like this?:(

Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 31/10/2011 21:27

It's the worthy thing Sad it makes me feel uncomfortable when he says nice things like how cute I am and how clever and how lucky he feels that I'm in his life and how I need to think more highly of myself

OP posts:
SingingTunelessly · 31/10/2011 21:38

But how do you really feel about him?

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 31/10/2011 21:42

How long are you together fluffy? Is he your first serious partner since your awful XH?

Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 31/10/2011 21:45

Not the first serious partner since the XH.

Been together properly (ie he got Upgraded) about a month I suppose

I think he's fantastic Grin

OP posts:
purplewerepidj · 31/10/2011 22:06

I had this in the beginning with DP. The fuzzy feelings were overlaid by a dreadful sense of confusion and wtf-ness.

Took about 6 months for my ego to catch up and now my head doesn't fit through the door

Bear with it, this too shall pass Wink

Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 31/10/2011 22:08

Grin thank you all

OP posts:
ChippingInAutumnLover · 31/10/2011 22:15

Oh my love - your XH has a fucking lot to answer for :(

Look at previous Mr Lovely and how special he though you were (thinks you are!!), [& I wont embarrass you by discussing the many other options you had along the way], you are a lovely, lovely person - you should be getting used to being told how fab you are by now... you've had a good couple of years of it [at least] and RL friends who I know would tell you the same, not just us MNers.

You need to start believing these blokes and not your fuckwit Ex!

madonnawhore · 31/10/2011 22:22

Your head has understandably been screwed by your ex. I sympathise. My ex did such a number on my self esteem that even a year into my relationship with a wonderful, kind man, I still imagine he finds me ugly and stupid and will dump me any minute.

I find that if I force myself to think about all my good points and how amazing Grin I am, I does start to work and then I begin thinking, 'yeah, actually, my BF is a lucky guy!'.

But I do have to try really hard to do that, because my default setting is, 'you're shit and no one will love you'.

I know it sounds dumb, but every time you look in the mirror, give yourself a compliment (you don't have to do this out loud!). Something like 'nice skin' or 'nice eyes', or 'great smile'.

Loving ourselves is the hardest thing ever.

Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 31/10/2011 22:26

You are all so wise.

The Upgrade is just so different to te ex and some of the other guys I've seen. He really rates me, you know and I don't think anyone has ever rated me like that ever before. He likes (loves?) me for me and he doesn't want me to be anything I'm not and he's so proud of me it's ridiculous.

OP posts:
purplewerepidj · 31/10/2011 22:51

Fluffy, that's what it's supposed to be like Grin That's the Cinderella "Happy Ever After" you deserve!

HerScaryness · 01/11/2011 00:19

fluffy, you are not used to a decent guy, give it time. You will soon learn!

well done love!

garlicBread · 01/11/2011 01:06

Oh. Fluffy, may I piggy-back on your thread for a minute please?

If somebody was texting me "really nice sweet things" all night, it would make me feel squirmy. Nice sweet things about what's going on in our lives, or what's on telly, or something - fine. One or two "Wish you were here" type things, OK. Even an "I keep thinking about they way you [do something nice]" as long as it didn't seem obsessive! But showers of praise would make me want to turn off the phone.

Is that what you're talking about? And is this an area where I'm still screwed up? Do other people's DPs fire love-bombs at them? Is it normal?

molepom · 01/11/2011 06:25

*"But showers of praise would make me want to turn off the phone.

Is that what you're talking about? And is this an area where I'm still screwed up? Do other people's DPs fire love-bombs at them? Is it normal?"*

Garlic, I'm with you on this bit. The second I get any of that from someone by back is up and right away I'm thinking that they are either bullshitting or after something - usually both.

HairyGrotter · 01/11/2011 06:39

I'm in a new relationship, having had terrible past relationships. DP is amazing, wonderful, intelligent, good looking, caring, tactile etc but I wobble a lot with regards to why he'd want to be with me.

I've been very open with him, and we now 'work through' those slight wobbles, he has made me open my eyes to my achievements, made me come round to the idea that, yes, I'm worth a lot more than I give myself credit for. Let it out to let it in is the Beatles take (ha), and it really has helped me to 'let go' and let him love me.

Get where you're coming from, but have faith in his adoring of you, there are some nice guys

PattyPenguin · 01/11/2011 06:47

Oh dear, garlicBread and molepom, men can't win, can they? They're told they're unfeeling or horrible if they don't say nice things, and if they do say nice things their women get suspicious.

For the record I think The Upgrade sounds wonderful. A man who sends compliments and soppy messages in the first months of a relationship (accepting that it may not last forever) - I'd be going about with a big grin on my face. not in the least bit jealous

PattyPenguin · 01/11/2011 07:46

That last bit was supposed to be an aside, not in bold. Too early, can't function, need coffee.

Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 01/11/2011 09:45

I've known The Upgrade a while - we were friends first (hence the FWB/fuckbuddy thing)

The texts are sweet, not cloying or weird or anything - like last night I'd been having a wobble and had texted hom to say "why are you bothering with me. I'm too old too fat and too boring" and he'd replied "negative on the fat, you're definitely not boring and you're only as old as the man you feel which makes you 36. And I have a cutie. Her nanme's fluffy"

OP posts:
LittleHouseofHorror · 01/11/2011 12:17

Fluff I have the opposite problem. I have a VeryNiceMan who has just renewed my Girlfriend Contract for a further six weeks Grin He is just amazed when I tell him how sexy and funny and lovable he is. His Ex did such a number on his self esteem he doesn't believe a word of it. I think constant repetition and reassurance are slowly convincing him, and he seems to be happier every week we are together. It is lovely to be able to make someone blossom just by being averagely nice to them!

Enjoy being healed, you deserve it!

sospanfach · 01/11/2011 13:04

same as you, LittleHouse. When I first got together with my now DH he could not listen to compliments, if I told him how lovely he was it made him feel silly and uncomfortable. When someone has thoroughly squashed your self-esteem it can take a long long time to recover...