Work related (very long. . .

[SmellslikeDEMONcatspee]

It?s a work thing.

I can't remember ever feeling like this before

This was my dream job and one little shit has ruined it all, and sadly I seem to be the only one who can see the manoeuvring and game playing, thought I think one or two are starting to wake up to it a little.

Because our team was always so supportive of each other they can't see that LS (Little Shit) isn't been supportive and helpful, they're shit stirring. LS is actually very very good at it, very subtle, I have had a year of constantly been undermined, making comments about how difficult life is for me, generally spreading the idea that I am incompetent.
Comments like 'well she's having such a bad time at the moment, you can't expect her to be working at 100%' but never saying what it is I've done wrong or not done?

I?m actually being gas-lighted by this person.

There has only been one incident that I can point to without looking like I?m paranoid. A comment made in an email about how they'll have to chase me up for my feedback again, done in a jokey tone but sent to the whole department. This one only stands up as I had commented to my line manager in my 1-2-1 that I needed to speak to LS as I had not received the above info and as I knew that timelines were tight I needed to chase it up. Put down to an accident on LS side and a word had about keeping dept wide emails professional.

Asking them a question, going with the answer and been told the next day etc that I was wrong, I should have asked, or that I misunderstood.

And then again this week.

It's hard to explain but while LS doesn't have any line manager authority, they do have QC authority over about 10% of my job. Normal practice is to meet and discuss issues/problems, upcoming events.

Due to have one of these meetings last week they contacted me via IM and asked if we could cancel it as it clashed with another meeting they had. No skin off my nose said fine, they asked me to rearrange.
(Was working from home on this day).

Go in to office the next day to concern from manager that I'm finding my work load too much as LS has been trying to arrange a meeting with me, but I'm soo busy I keep cancelling and rearranging. Of course the conversation was done by IM so no easily retrievable record. And I was the helpful prat who cancelled and rearranged the meeting

(Am now keeping a record of all IM conversations with this person, which
does actually make me look paranoid).

I keep getting random comments/ questions from people both in my team and in the dept asking how I am and how am I coping etc. That LS has said how brave I'm being how well I'm coping etc etc.

Again as my colleagues are generally a great bunch of people they are actually concerned for me, they are being sincere. The thing is there is nothing wrong with me or my life (no more so that anyone else's, admittedly I wouldn't turn down a lottery windfall )

I have had a lot happen this year ill health for both OH and me, but in my case my ill health resulted in surgery that has made my life and health 100% better. And for OH it was discovered that he had a serious cardiac condition, that was picked up by chance, he too has had surgery and will be on meds for the rest of his life but we see this as a VERY VERY good thing, not that he was ill but that it was caught so early, while he was young/fit and not too much hidden damage had been done and that the rest of his family could be screened. I mean he's back training for the marathon FFS

I've not made a big song and dance about it, just got on as is my norm. (So the more I say I'm fine, no issues, no problems, the more I'm seen as 'Brave')

People know about OH as he knows people I work with social, independently from me, so they knew that he had been in and out of hospital.

I have not missed one deadline, slacked off on any work, in fact have taken on new projects but this constant chipping is starting to take effect.

I?m also slowly being isolated socially, as a team we go out about every 2 months, a date is picked and we go for a meal, bowling etc. It is assumed that not everyone will make every night people have lives. For the last year since LS started to arrange these nights every single one has been on a day I cannot attend, once, twice even 3 times I can see as coincidental, but 7 in a row? (Been told today that it has been commented on, but that LS had played the line that I wasn't happy to leave OH alone at night. And really I didn't want to talk about it, wasn't I sooo brave)

In fact I was starting to wonder if I was being paranoid until recently. I met someone who had worked with LS before and they have form. (OH and I work in same industry, this was someone OH knew, didn't realise that I was working directly with LS. LS had done the same in previous job; in that case LS's 'victim' had a nervous breakdown, and all the little digs etc only came out after LS left.

Because none of this is head on I really don't know what to do. But this is affecting my work reputation I need to address it without seeming either paranoid or aggressive, either of which would play in to LS's hands

You are going to have to stay good at what you do so that LS can't pick at what you do. How about organising something on a night you can do yourself. Don't panic, stay polite and don't rise to their level

Keep notes of everything. Stop having conversations that you can't later prove - do everything by email. When they ask you to do anything, have a quick think about how it could be manipulated by them (for example deleting meetings) and manipulate the situation back to your advantage. It may well be that this twat has chosen to pick on you because you are good, and so in a strange way you could take this as a compliment. Realise that they are a total shit, and that most of the time total shits are found out in the end - it may take a little while, but if they can't beat you they will start on somebody else and in the end they will be caught out. Really feel for you. xx

Just document everything you can. For example - next time you are going to cancel and rearrange a meeting write something on the invite like "LS since you can't make the date we have agreed I have rearranged the meeting for [DATE] hopefully this time is good for you but let me know when would work for you if not". Next time he organises a night out that you can't make send a team email out saying "oh no, I can't make this again, how about I organise the next one so it is for a night I can definitely make". When he answers a question for you just drop him a quick line afterwards saying "LS, just to confirm so that I have a file note for my records, we discussed X and you advised y but let me know if I have misunderstood anything".

I've never had to deal with out and out vindictiveness but I've certainly had my fair share of incompetence to deal with and the above strategies arose as a result.

It does sound like you're being bullied.

Do you have an HR department at work? Can you talk to them about maybe not working so directly with that person any more?

In my experience, it's never worth the damage to your mental health to stay and try to fight them at their own game. It's all very well to say 'just rise above it and ignore them', but when someone's gunning for you every day it can be soul destroying. And if she's that subtle a manipulator, any time you raise a protest she will just do her best to make out you're the unreasonable one.

The best thing to do if at all possible is remove yourself from that person's orbit or sphere of influence. It's a shame she's that 10% responsible for QCing your work as that tiny margin alters the dynamic hugely.

If it's not possible to remove yourself from that situation, then I think you're just going to have to be really vigilant and try to pre-empt her attacks as much as you can.

So next time she asks to move a meeting, ask her to send the rescheduled invite. Keep recording all your IM convos. And as much as you can, confirm everything in email with her, so that it makes it harder for her to gaslight you.

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. It sounds shit.

This must be horrible for you. I think I would try to get as much as possible in writing, hopefully this shouldn't be too difficult due to prevalence of emailing now, e.g. you said near the beginning of your post "Asking them a question, going with the answer and been told the next day etc that I was wrong, I should have asked, or that I misunderstood." Maybe next time you have a question, don't ask it verbally, email instead, and if LS chooses to answer verbally, ask him/her to drop it to you in an email so you can deal with it later.
Did LS get sack from previous job?
Also, not sure how your social events are arranged, but how does LS know to arrange them on eves you can't attend? Is there any way of misleading him/her on this, so they arrange an eve they think you can't attend, when actually you can, if you see what I mean.
Good luck.

keep calm, keep a log of all incidents and challenge back. They rely on people being too 'nice' to challenge back and therefore can carry on. Wrt nights out, organise the next one yourself 'to make sure you can come this time!'. Yes, it's passive aggressive but ime it's the only answer. Don't fall for the 'you cancel the meeting', make sure they do, and get everything in writing, if it's a telephone conversation send a 'friendly' email to confirm the contents of the discussion.

Sadly, while it may make life easier for you, the LS will just move onto the next victim, however, if you keep note of all the incidents then gradually they will form a pattern and you can help.

And, finally, just keep repeating 'it's not you, it's them'. This is not a problem with you or with your work, it's just something some people do because they like drama I think. Can you tell I've come across this before!!

Sorry, just realised I've referred to LS as 'she' in my post, but you haven't been specific about gender .

I just realised that to *Madonna". I used "he" in my post and was confused when you used she but having re-read the OP it is determinedly gender neutral. Odd how we made opposite assumptions.

How weird.

And odder that I assumed it was a woman when the only time I've ever suffered similar treatment, it was under a male boss.

OP, I could have written your post almost word for word. I work with a woman exactly like this. She's absolutely poisonous but it seems like no one else can see it. She's driven me to a couple of meltdowns in the past (then telling people I was worked up over nothing ) but I feel I've got her under control for now. there's no magic wand but I'd recommend the following:

1. Only deal with her in writing, as suggested above.
2. Confide in one or 2 people about how she's treating you, if you can. It helps you feel more confident in dealing with it if you feel supported.
3. Call her, publically, on any outright lies. You don't have to be aggressive, you can make it jokey if necessary. Smile sweetly as she backs down and admits her 'mistake'. People will notice.
4. Disentangle yourself as much as you possibly can. Is there someone else who can deal with the QC you mention? Do whatever it takes to sort that out.
5. Befriend her line manager.
6. Patronise her right back. Any little sign of weakness, any mistake, any admission of feeling stressed, be there with a pointed comment to make her feel small. (I'm not proud of this, btw, but I class it as 'counter-bullying'- it's taken me years to get up the confidence but by God she's earned it. What goes around comes around.)
7. Finally, don't skim over the little comments. When another colleague passes on something she's said, dispute it. Depending on your relationship with that person, point out how patronising she is, mention that she doesn't know you well if she thinks you're struggling or simply point out that she's been making snidey comments for ages and they should ignore her.

You will find that other people feel the same way about her, you know. She's just clever about it...bullies always are. Be confident in yourself and remember that she's a pathetic little weasel who has to put others down to feel good about herself. She'll get hers.

Good luck.

Excellent advice from abbierhodes!!

Have had too many run-ins with passive-agressive female bosses at work, and my career has suffered big-time.

I SO hate saying that, as an old-fashioned 70s feminist, but 'tis true

Stop being the nice, fair, reasonable guy. You will be shat on.

Actually LS is male, I didn't want to make a big thing of it. Not drip feeding but my partner has it that it?s a form of sexual harassment, just a very hidden form and I did wonder if I kept the gender neutral would anyone comment. Sorry that makes me sound devious [hblush], but to me sexual harassment is ?worse? than this, is more physical, but my opinion is starting to change. (Our team is 75% female, the other male mainly works from home/ in the field)

He is very personable, can be very charming and having sat and thought about it unemotionally today the way he acts , well if this was a social relationship you?d all be yelling red flags. There are loads of things that are just weird. Really doesn?t like any of us disagreeing with him, will argue long past the point. Even if you can produce evidence that you are right he will twist it till you end up agreeing. Or that you didn?t understand his point.

Despite having worked with him for a year now we have only just found out that he?s married, his wife is never mentioned, he will tell you all about what he did at the weekend in great detail, but never a mention of his wife.

Very much in to dividing the team in to groups and needing to be the main protagonist in each.
And as I said took over arranging all the social events.

I?m expecting there to be an increase in his activities, he?s very annoyed about the team Christmas dinner. Last year I sorted out the Christmas meal out we decided to do a kitty and thanks to some vouchers we got for the meal (on the day) we actually saved quite a bit of money. We as a team agreed that we?d keep the money to go towards this year?s dinner and as I was the organiser I held on to it.

At our last team meeting Christmas came up and our boss asked if I would be happy to sort out this year as (a) I had the money, and (b) we?d had such a good time last year. It was all a bit off hand end of the meeting, oh while I think of it kind of thing.

He seems to have taken real offence to this; he was on leave last year (he had pre-booked it before he started the post and hadn?t gotten in to his stride by then) and didn?t get involved in any of the Christmas do?s.
It?s so pathetic really isn?t it , but he does seem to see this as a challenge to him

Thank you all for your excellent advice
I now have a plan
Keep copies of all IM conversations (which is one of our teams main ways of communicating)
Confirm any verbal discussions by email
Attempt to either ?share? the QC meeting or have them in a more public are and take minutes which I will then confirm by email

Unfortunately we have the same line manager and he and she have become very good friends and she is totally blind to any of his actions.

With the Christmas meal whereas normally I?d just get on and sort it I have already asked one of the others to ?help? in other words to be a witness (and hopefully if he does try anything she will be able to back me up and it may open her eyes too)

Thanks again, I?m sure I?ll be back. . . .

To deal with the undermining 'concerned about you' LS makes to others, how about a breezy

" LS seems to be overly protective of me - I'm not sure why, ha ha, some people do seem to want to be the hero,don't they?

I'm fine, DH is fine LS keeps getting the wrong end of the stick ha ha

'concerned about you' comments

In Sheep's Clothing is a fabulous little book. You'll see LS described in precise detail in one of the scenarios, I guarantee it.

Ohhh I love that ?Finallygotaroundtoit?.

I think in a strange way I need to share more at work, I have always been one to not bring home into work, so only my work friends who are also my friend friends know all the details about the last year, so I think this has allowed others to fill in the details.

I don?t intend in giving him any new ammunition, just be a bit more oh yes we went swimming and cycling at the weekend, OH is driving me nuts with his marathon training etc etc

Again strangely I always thought of LS as an oversharer until the whole thing about him being married came up. And he is still married. Admittedly it is up to him what he chooses to share but as we know all about his mother/father/brothers life, to have never mentioned a wife, odd.

Annie, thanks I have just downloaded that, looking forward to reading it tonight

Does your line manager have a manager? I think it might be helpful to report your concerns to someone more senior in your company if this continues. Your employers have a responsibility to deal with bullying. The fact that he caused someone to have a nervous breakdown in a previous job needs to be brought to someone's attention as he sounds quite dangerous. Keep written evidence of every incident and report him if none of the suggestions above work.

The events that you have described are often found in employment tribunals that relate to bullying.

Sound rough, he does indeed sound like a little shit!

Lots of good advice here, couple more observations. Bet that others have noticed and dislike him. And his/your line manager is being unprofessional. Might be worth trying to impress her manager and / or peers.

You may get some more good ideas from the people in the feminism section.

He may initially seem like he's oversharing as a way to elicit information from people, to use against them, without sharing real stuff about himself.

I worked with someone like that once. Took a long time to accept that there are people who are simply lazy and malicious. The answer was to avoid unrecorded conversations, and if they took place inadvertently, to document them immediately by email, copying others in and making it clear that I was proceeding per my understanding and it was up to my LS to object in writing.

This thread has been bugging me for the last couple of days, so I feel the need to make some points.

Making sure he's friends with the line manager & isolating you are tactical moves - this is no accident. You need to be pro-active about this.

Could you have a quiet word with your line manager saying that 'some people' seem to be more concerned than they need to be about you. Point out that you have taken on extra work & dh is marathon training, then laugh & say 'hardly sound like a couple on the brink of despair' type thing. Then, next time he does one of his 'poor catspee' type things, you could blind copy to your line manager, saying this is what you mean, when really you're fine & people shouldn't be worrying about you.

also - xmas party - contact the venue & tell them that you & 1 other & no-one else, will be arranging it. If you want, tell them that there was some confusion, but you have the control of the money, so no other people have the authority to change any instructions.

Next time people are talking about a club/venue/restaurant, say, 'I'd love to go there, let's make it our next night out'. then, either arrange it yourself, or, if an email goes round, reply to everyone, making it clear that you intend to go & state when you are free.

He prob thought you would be an easy target - ha!

Agree with kickassangel. Essentially, appear as cheerful and professional as you can on the outside, while surreptitiously putting measures in place to protect yourself. If anyone asks you why you're keeping a record of IM messages, just reply, 'Oh, X and I had a minor misunderstanding about something so I thought I should keep a record of everything we agree so this doesn't happen again.'

I'd advise against escalating this or making a big deal within the company as this would make you very vulnerable to looking 'over-sensitive'. But a few light-hearted comments to friendly colleagues would do no harm - they may have spotted similar behaviours themselves but not put 2 and 2 together.

I've been lurking on this thread as well.

I worked with a similar character who was very very ambitious and his modus operandi was to put others down while bigging himself up and presenting other people's ideas as his own to the boss. It was only during a quiet chat when he wasn't around that we found out what he had been doing and saying about the rest of us..... He changed jobs and one of his new colleagues rang up and said "why didn't you say he was such a shit!".

Good advice from all above. It's good that you are quietly keeping records. Only discuss him with people you can trust.

Could you arrange informal lunches "with the girls" etc. to keep in socially?