Work related (very long. . .

[SmellslikeDEMONcatspee]

It?s a work thing.

I can't remember ever feeling like this before

This was my dream job and one little shit has ruined it all, and sadly I seem to be the only one who can see the manoeuvring and game playing, thought I think one or two are starting to wake up to it a little.

Because our team was always so supportive of each other they can't see that LS (Little Shit) isn't been supportive and helpful, they're shit stirring. LS is actually very very good at it, very subtle, I have had a year of constantly been undermined, making comments about how difficult life is for me, generally spreading the idea that I am incompetent.
Comments like 'well she's having such a bad time at the moment, you can't expect her to be working at 100%' but never saying what it is I've done wrong or not done?

I?m actually being gas-lighted by this person.

There has only been one incident that I can point to without looking like I?m paranoid. A comment made in an email about how they'll have to chase me up for my feedback again, done in a jokey tone but sent to the whole department. This one only stands up as I had commented to my line manager in my 1-2-1 that I needed to speak to LS as I had not received the above info and as I knew that timelines were tight I needed to chase it up. Put down to an accident on LS side and a word had about keeping dept wide emails professional.

Asking them a question, going with the answer and been told the next day etc that I was wrong, I should have asked, or that I misunderstood.

And then again this week.

It's hard to explain but while LS doesn't have any line manager authority, they do have QC authority over about 10% of my job. Normal practice is to meet and discuss issues/problems, upcoming events.

Due to have one of these meetings last week they contacted me via IM and asked if we could cancel it as it clashed with another meeting they had. No skin off my nose said fine, they asked me to rearrange.
(Was working from home on this day).

Go in to office the next day to concern from manager that I'm finding my work load too much as LS has been trying to arrange a meeting with me, but I'm soo busy I keep cancelling and rearranging. Of course the conversation was done by IM so no easily retrievable record. And I was the helpful prat who cancelled and rearranged the meeting

(Am now keeping a record of all IM conversations with this person, which
does actually make me look paranoid).

I keep getting random comments/ questions from people both in my team and in the dept asking how I am and how am I coping etc. That LS has said how brave I'm being how well I'm coping etc etc.

Again as my colleagues are generally a great bunch of people they are actually concerned for me, they are being sincere. The thing is there is nothing wrong with me or my life (no more so that anyone else's, admittedly I wouldn't turn down a lottery windfall )

I have had a lot happen this year ill health for both OH and me, but in my case my ill health resulted in surgery that has made my life and health 100% better. And for OH it was discovered that he had a serious cardiac condition, that was picked up by chance, he too has had surgery and will be on meds for the rest of his life but we see this as a VERY VERY good thing, not that he was ill but that it was caught so early, while he was young/fit and not too much hidden damage had been done and that the rest of his family could be screened. I mean he's back training for the marathon FFS

I've not made a big song and dance about it, just got on as is my norm. (So the more I say I'm fine, no issues, no problems, the more I'm seen as 'Brave')

People know about OH as he knows people I work with social, independently from me, so they knew that he had been in and out of hospital.

I have not missed one deadline, slacked off on any work, in fact have taken on new projects but this constant chipping is starting to take effect.

I?m also slowly being isolated socially, as a team we go out about every 2 months, a date is picked and we go for a meal, bowling etc. It is assumed that not everyone will make every night people have lives. For the last year since LS started to arrange these nights every single one has been on a day I cannot attend, once, twice even 3 times I can see as coincidental, but 7 in a row? (Been told today that it has been commented on, but that LS had played the line that I wasn't happy to leave OH alone at night. And really I didn't want to talk about it, wasn't I sooo brave)

In fact I was starting to wonder if I was being paranoid until recently. I met someone who had worked with LS before and they have form. (OH and I work in same industry, this was someone OH knew, didn't realise that I was working directly with LS. LS had done the same in previous job; in that case LS's 'victim' had a nervous breakdown, and all the little digs etc only came out after LS left.

Because none of this is head on I really don't know what to do. But this is affecting my work reputation I need to address it without seeming either paranoid or aggressive, either of which would play in to LS's hands

Sending you sympathy, OP. I once worked with a very toxic individual who caused no end of trouble: what helped me cope was finally saying something to another colleague about finding this person 'difficult' and the colleague filling me in that no one else liked the person much either: lying about personal issues, spreading untrue gossip, incompetence at work, attention-seeking... I had been keeping quiet because I thought I would be percieved as 'jealous'.

Ok I worked in investment banking. Passive agressive behavour is standard. How you deal with it is as follows:

1 - If possible spread rumours that he is secretly gay or is having an affair and that is why he doesn't mention his wife at work. People hate fakes and will start to look for phony behaviour. They will soon see he is indeed a LS. If you OH knows him from a previous job you can hint that is where you heard it from to give it some credibility. It is hard to plant this one so I would think long about you plant the seed so rumour goes around. IE pick someone who isn't directly related to you IYKWIM and tell them you were suprised to hear from xyz... Make sure xyz isn't able to call you out.

2 - If he IM's you to rearrange a meeting then do a calendar appointment and send him an email saying something along the lines of,' As per our conversation I am changing the time of this meeting as you requested.' When your line manager says something you have documented proof and you can get at the LS for not confirming appointments.

3 - When they book the next team outing on one of your days off reply all the email and ask if it is ok to move it another day when you can attend as you have missed the last 7 outings. If the LS wants to book the Christmas party and pushes it with the line manager or someone more senior throw back that you were under the impression that you did a good job last year so don't understand why someone else should organise it.

Keep records on everything and if he hints at something again don't go to see your line manager with a 'I think he is a LS' but with a 'Here is an email to show exactly what happened. I don't appreciate my work being brought into question when I take pride in maintaining high standards.' You can't argue with facts.

The other thing I found very successful is to hand back put downs in a jokey manner. When they look put out say something really sarcastic such as 'Oh what happened to your sense of humour?' or 'It was a joke as is funny ha ha just as what I took what you said to me to be a joke.' Say it with a smile on your face (practice with OH first) so you don't come accross as being petty.

Hi all and thanks for all the advice and the book recommendation! Good stuff

Thanks again Annie

I have been bouncing in to work full of the joy of . . em November
(Is really freaking OH out.)

Everything is being recorded and logged, any discussion with LS no matter how small I have ensured is either witnessed or/ and followed up with an email.

Re Christmas Do spoke to colleague who is helping and suggested that we call and ask that they only make changes if it is one of us as ?Lots of teams in the company use this place? don?t want to risk it getting changed cancelled by accident.
Happy coincidence the assistant manager is a friend of a friend, who I have met socially before so hopefully that will make the booking stick in her mind.

I used to be well known in the company as a baker, stopped when OH and I were ill, as we both needed to watch our diets, so again the last 2 days have brought home made cakes/biscuits in. We are in a open plan office so tend to leave stuff like this on a filing cabinet and sent an email around. So have had lots of people come up and do the ?Tilt head concerned look? followed by And how ARE you??to me . So his digs had being getting out there.

So it?s been all oh I?m GREAT, we?ve just got a new oven that?s why I haven?t been baking recently. What are you doing this weekend? We?re going swimming/ cycling blah blah blah.
Several people walking away looking a bit thoughtful

Strike one has been fired.

Have team meeting tomorrow, will be interesting to see what is said, in the past he has used these as a forum to make ?jokey? passive aggressive comments. Have my MN balls ready to strap on and have been practising my ?Gosh did you mean that to sound so nasty/rude/aggressive? on OH and in mirror.

TBH acknowledgement that I?m not crazy/over sensitive has helped a lot, and while I?m not underestimating him I am starting to see him as a bug to be squashed (an overgrown horrible movie of the week type bug, but still just a bug)

Thanks again

I've been following this - good for you, we are all rooting for you. I think you are taking exactly the right course of action and it will certainly plant seeds of doubt in other team member's minds as far as he is concerned...

Keep us updated

Go sister!

This is brilliant - well done!!

whoooooooooooooooooooooooo

ooh - let us know how the meeting goes.

my guess is, if he starts seeing you challenging him, he'll try going 'underground' with his comments, or maybe he'll just EXPLODE!

Do keep us posted. I have a whole host of options for dealing with a LS at work. I did forget about a good one!

I often dealt with annoying managers/collegues by recommending them for positions recuiters called about. I would have the recuiter descibe the job and then tell them that LS was the perfect person for the role. I would also add something along the lines of 'LS isn't fully appreciated by management here so this job might be something they are interested in if the salary was right.' Nine times out of ten their resignation would be announced within a month.

Oh, well done! I was going to post that your advice here has been 95% good and add nothing but a bit of validation - I went through this, too. Important to remember this is not a negotiation problem, it's a war. I can't tell you how happy I am to see you've already fired your opening volleys and have got your weapons loaded

Keep it up. Go you!

Is there likely to be another of the 2-monthly social evenings before Christmas? If so, can you mention it at one of the team meetings and say what dates you will be available to meet up with your colleagues out of hours.

Perhaps you could try to incorporate the setting of the social dates as a regular part of team meetings, i.e. you all throw available dates into the pot so to speak, or make that it so that each of you have the opportunity to suggest a venue and organise the evening?

I once found myself in a similar situation and, like yourself, had been tipped off by previous colleagues of the LS who'd sought to undermine me at every turn. I used some of the strategies that you're beginning to adopt and, once I was satisfied that they knew I was on to them, I delivered the coup de grace using the following technique - practise the 'looks' in a mirror:

Wait until the LS is alone or standing well out of earshot of anyone else. Walk up to him, stand in front of him and give him a closed-lips smile without giving a verbal greeting. Let your eyes move down his body to the floor dipping your head slightly as you do so, and then move your head/eyes back up to catch his gaze with the same smile on your face.

Remove the closed-lips smile, tip your head back just enough so that you give the appearance of looking down your nose at him and slightly narrow your eyes before saying 'You used to work at x company, didn't you?' Give him a knowing smirk (smirking takes additional practise!) and walk away.

In the unlikely event that the LS follows you or attempts to find out what you meant, make light of it - give him a jolly smile, say 'your fame seems to have spread far and wide' and refuse to elaborate 'my lips are sealed' 'i've been sworn to silence' etc.

But it's more likely that he'll hone in on another target and/or assiduously attempt to win your friendship in the hope that if you are privy to some unpleasant insider knowledge about him, you won't spread it around.

Great stuff OP glad your resolve has been stiffened by the marvellous advice (copious notes taken here !)

Do keep us updated.

Hi to anyone still interested.

Update: After I last posted everything went very quiet, it was as if he?s figured out I was on to him and suddenly he was being my best friend [vom], singing my praises to all and sundry. I have just kept a polite distance from him.

And all was quiet. But as advised I have been recording/ saving everything. Backing everything up.

Anyway the other male member of our team [let?s call him Bob] has changed to been office based in the last 2 weeks and LS has been sucking up to him like hell, kind of doing a ?us poor men with all these women? attitude.

Now Bob is a great guy who has huge respect for people, I would say women but that would be wrong he is just a genuinely decent human being, with respect for everyone. Anyway Bob saw though him straight away, and was keeping him at arm?s length.

So LS has now started on Bob, now as I mentioned I am normally a very private person in work but I have known Bob for years even before we both started to work together. He?s actually more OH?s friend, but once we both started to work at the same company [different areas at this point] we made a pact not to talk about work at home and vice versa. And never made a big deal of knowing each other out of work, and as he wasn?t office based I?m guessing it never came up.

Anyway [sorry so long winded] he has now started on Bob, trying to wrong foot him etc., basically doing to him what he was doing to me, so I broke pact and told Bob and he too has started recording everything too.

Our team meeting this week was interesting to say the least, LS did one of his ?jokey? passive aggressive comments to and about Bob implying that he had not done a particular step of a process, but that was ok ?cause Bob was new to the office work and he [LS] would sort it, sigh with a pitying smug grin.

To which Bob went ?No I specifically asked you about this in an IM and you said I didn?t need to do that?
LS:[snide/pitying] ha ha ha no no no you must of misunderstood that?s not what I said
Bob: Yes Yes it was I have a copy of the IM conversation here where I specifically asked you if I needed to do X and you said No. Pulled up the record on his laptop for all to see

LS

Then major back pedalling ?oh I was SO busy that day, I was answering so many IM?s I must have thought I was answering someone else?s IM?

When we got out of the meeting a different member of the team approached Bob and ask him why was he ?recording? all his IM?s Bob put on his best innocent face and said oh it?s just a feature of our internal IM system and he?s never turned it off. Apparently she looked very thoughtful and then asked him how to activate this feature.

So it maybe that Bob and I are not alone. . .

PS: Izzy, I'm still practising my Look!

Well done you - and Bob! Hope LS soon realises that his nasty little game is up!

The way things are going, DEMON, there's going to be crowds practising 'the look' in your company's cloakrooms. Reserve your spot at the mirror now!

Can't wait to hear your account of the next evening social or Christmas do - whichever comes first.

Three cheers for Bob - well done that man!! It's not so much the game is up for LS as game over.

LS has been well and truly sussed. I suspect he'll be Mr Nice Guy, cream cakes all round, for a while but, given his warped ego, he's not the type to give up easily and he'll soon be looking to undermine some else.

Stay alert and rally to the side of any of your colleagues who appear as if they may be in danger of being a sitting duck for LS's snideness. As soon as he realises he's up against a united front, the LS will visibly deflate and adopt the demeanour of a church mouse before quietly exiting the company once he's found employment elsewhere.

"Apparently she looked very thoughtful and then asked him how to activate this feature."

WOW. How exciting.

Very good work, all of you.

I am glad it is going well DEMON- don't relax your guard now though. Wounded animals can lash out.

Great advice on here BTW, I have taken note!

It's interesting how he backed off literally as soon as you had awareness of what a conniving little git he is, OP. Typical bullying behaviour. And he assumed Bob would be a natural ally, but was only too willing to round on him when it turned out he wouldn't play ball. I fear for any actual newbies coming into your team as he will no doubt turn on the charm offensive to try and get them on side before they can have got the lie of the land.

The problem for the next victim is that you probably won't be able warn him/her as openly as you did Bob, without the risk of it looking like you being the one doing a whispering campaign against a colleague. It sounds like a few well-placed comments might be all that's needed to put him a rather difficult position, but I would stay alert to the risk of him trying to turn the tables and claim he's being bullied.

I would strongly advise against withering looks and spreading untrue rumours. Behaving like this (although I know you haven't ) would escalate matters, create an unpleasant atmosphere and could be construed as bullying

You don't have to sink to LS's level and you have already found that being honest and upfront as well as being wary and on your guard has worked well.
Good luck!

All sounds positive, and how good to have an ally in Bob! Hope work is less stressful in the run-up to Christmas.

Little Fecker. . . aka Little shit although I have no evidence so can't do anything.

Re:christmas party, got text from assistant manager of pub who is a friend of a friend, asking if I had asked someone to cancel meal? was I really that ill?

little shit.......

I'm fuming

but can't prove anything

shit shit shit

Thankfully she didn't let anything be cancelled!

Sorry just read back and I didn't make much sense.

got text saying pub had got a call claiming to be my helper, so sorry but they needed to cancel the booking as I was ill.

the Friend of a friend [wonderful woman had made a note in thier booking book to run any changes by her, so the young lad who took the message didn't do anything, just took message and told her.]
She text friend, friend provided my mobile num, text me

I confirmed no change

Big BIG HUGE bottle of wine going to that woman. . .

What a shame the young lad didn't think to get a name and number of the person who called. or to dial 1471. It may have given you some evidence.

Still, at least he managed to stop LS's nasty game this time.

A note to the pub in writing confirming the date and time and stating that, regardless of the health of those who may be attending, the booking stands would seem to be the way to go.

Is there a team meeting before the event? I was wondering whether you should raise the curious matter of the mystery caller who tried to cancel the Christmas party but, on balance, I think I'd opt for saying nothing and letting the LS continue to salivate at the thought that there's going to be egg on your face when everyone turns up to a non-event.

When everyone is loaded thoroughly enjoying themselves, it may be opportune to mention that a party pooper tried to ensure that the event didn't happen. What you do you reckon?

I knew he wouldn't give up lightly but this act of spite may be his last gasp now that he knows he's been sussed by at least 2 members of the team.

One single withering look does not constitute bullying and I suggest you practise yours so that you've got it down to a fine art by the time the party rolls round.

Spreading untrue rumours about a LS could, indeed, have repercussions that may work in their favour, but that has clearly never been your (or my) intention as there are other far more effective ways of crushing bullies than resorting to their tactics .

Very often all it takes is for the bully to know that you've got their number and, when the party gets off with a bang, your LS will be under no illusion that at least 2 of his colleagues are on to him.