Just need to talk to someone about this as there is no one in real life to moan to

[neepsntatties]

Today I was looking after our two DC all day while DH was working on the extension we are having. For some reason he is in a bad mood and from the moment he came in he started to go at me. I was in a good mood so just ignored him for the most part and tried to jolly him out of it. However he continued to keep at me, complaining about various things around the house that were not done, saying that I was useless because I don't cook for him and the boys building with him (they don't like the type of food I eat and I am not sure how to cook the food they do eat so I just cook for me and the kids at the moment and they sort themselves out). I mentioned possibly expanding the business I recently started and responded 'So another night I need to look after the kids then' and was not at all positive about it. Eventually he said something that did get to me and now I feel totally crap.

He's dropping the builders off just now and he queried why I was in a mood and I just said that I didn't want to be with someone who keeps at me until I am in a mood just because he wants to pick a fight and he stropped off saying well that's what we'll do then (meaning split up) because you are not prepared to change at all.

Does this sound like normal couple fighting or not? I feel like I want someone who is supportive of me and who doesn't view the house/kids as just my job which is what he is always throwing at me - that it is my job. I do work three days a week as well so am not a full time SAHM and at the moment my job is paying the bills. We have been under a huge amount of stress the last couple of years with bereavements and other family problems so maybe it is about that but I feel worn down by it now.

Ah yes. I see what this is now. He is trying to control you.

To answer your original question, no this is not 'normal couple fighting'. This is him trying to make you do what he wants through emotional blackmail .

I would suggest you do take up some counselling to talk about his behaviour towards you and how you respond to it.

There are lots of threads about this kind of behaviour, btw, so if you have a quick look around mn you might find some really useful advice.

Phoning you at work because the baby is crying is utterly ridiculous as I am sure you are aware and there is absolutely no excuse for that. If the baby was ill he could call an ambulance. But I'm guessing he was just getting fed up with the crying.

What are his good qualities, if any? And please don't say he's a good father!

"I think maybe his way of getting rid of his bad mood is to dump it on me."

So, the question you need to ask yourself: Why do I put up with it.

What's in it for you? Are you so low on self esteem that you feel that is what you deserve?

Cos, you don't!

And don't feel you can't do it alone, cos if I can so can you, and I've been doing it for 20 years!
Anyone who doesn't appreciate me can take a hike!

If there's one thing I've learnt in life, it's to dump negativity out of it.....feels SO much better!!

Have you ever left your children with him for day - or a weekend? Would you ever contemplate it? How did it/would it go?

What's he like if your ill or vulnerable in some other way?

I have been away for a weekend recently and will be away again soon. He wants me to feel bad about going.

He can be kind and lovely but I don't know where that person has gone and he has always been bad at stress etc. I don't want to put up with it anymore but I have little in the way of support and I am scared of being alone.

I can't sleep tonight for thinking about all this.

So he can look after the DSs perfectly adequately when you are not available? In other words it's an attempt at manipulating/controlling you when he rings up work.

Don't be scared of being alone. I know it's a huge thing to contemplate - but actually doing it is not half as hard as you think. Tbh it sounds like you are taking responsibility for everything already - at least if you were on your own you wouldn't have the added stress of him throwing wobblys whenever he was in a bad mood.

Bottom line is, as I think someone else said, until you decide that if push comes to shove you really will leave/get him to go if things don't improve, then he will continue to dismiss your complaints.

You don't have to decide anything fast though do you? Find out where you'd stand financially, start saving a bit of exit money just in case and take it one step at a time for now.

Having said that, life is too short to be miserable continually when you can do something about it - it's just that it's entirely your own chioce on how, and how soon, you address these problems.

I feel like I need to survive this year, until my course is done at least. There is so much going on and I want to pass it. I am worried about what is best for the kids too. I don't think things will get better though

If he is not prepared to change or consider counselling and you won't stand up to him then nothing will change. In fact, not only will things not get better, they will most likely get worse.

Presumably, you realise that the example you are both setting to your kids is very bad for them .

All I can suggest is that you take some time to decide what, if anything, you are going to do about the situation.

I think I want to wait until the summer. Then I will have done my course so at least I will have got that qualification. A lot of our other external stress should be gone by then too which gives us a chance to get back to normal and also it gives me time to put a bit of money aside and get my head around our finances and maybe get some advice. Then I hope I have the nerve to make a move if things are not better.