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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Just need to talk to someone about this as there is no one in real life to moan to

33 replies

neepsntatties · 31/10/2011 19:08

Today I was looking after our two DC all day while DH was working on the extension we are having. For some reason he is in a bad mood and from the moment he came in he started to go at me. I was in a good mood so just ignored him for the most part and tried to jolly him out of it. However he continued to keep at me, complaining about various things around the house that were not done, saying that I was useless because I don't cook for him and the boys building with him (they don't like the type of food I eat and I am not sure how to cook the food they do eat so I just cook for me and the kids at the moment and they sort themselves out). I mentioned possibly expanding the business I recently started and responded 'So another night I need to look after the kids then' and was not at all positive about it. Eventually he said something that did get to me and now I feel totally crap.

He's dropping the builders off just now and he queried why I was in a mood and I just said that I didn't want to be with someone who keeps at me until I am in a mood just because he wants to pick a fight and he stropped off saying well that's what we'll do then (meaning split up) because you are not prepared to change at all.

Does this sound like normal couple fighting or not? I feel like I want someone who is supportive of me and who doesn't view the house/kids as just my job which is what he is always throwing at me - that it is my job. I do work three days a week as well so am not a full time SAHM and at the moment my job is paying the bills. We have been under a huge amount of stress the last couple of years with bereavements and other family problems so maybe it is about that but I feel worn down by it now.

OP posts:

MoreBoober · 31/10/2011 19:19

Did not want this to go unreplied and thought I would say something before you get 200 replies telling you to leave him which is what normally happens in the relationships section !!!
Anyway it does sound like a typical spat to me. It sounds like pick on the little things when there is actually something else bothering him. Have time to cool off and ask him was the problem really is.

molepom · 31/10/2011 19:22

Leave the moody arse be for a few days. When he acts like everything is all back to normal ask him then and take it from there without forgetting to say everything you have said here.

Bogeymanface · 31/10/2011 19:24

IF your job is the house AND bringing in enough money to pay the bills, what is his job exactly?

ThatllDoPig · 31/10/2011 19:29

Has he always been like this? Did you used to be able to communicate better? We always take stuff out on the people closest to us, but it isn't fair if it is one sided or if he isn't aware he is doing it. Sounds like you need to talk together properly before things get worse.

Original poster

neepsntatties · 31/10/2011 19:36

This happens a lot, I think I am just mote aware and fed up of it now. I am tired of him taking his moods out on me and I am tired of the constant 'this is your job' crap he comes out with. If I try to stay up beat and in my good mood he just keeps going at me until he finds something that is hurtful or upsetting.

OP posts:

SolidGoldVampireBat · 31/10/2011 20:37

He sounds like a prick who thinks that because you don't have a penis you exist to serve him. Have you posted about this before? I think there was a thread about how the extension is taking up all his time and money and you never wanted it in the first place.

Hullygully · 31/10/2011 20:40

Refuse point blank to let him get to you, he is just in the habit of lancing his bitterness boil all over you.

Next time just say, "Oh shut up you miserable old fuck," and let him get on with it.

Original poster

neepsntatties · 31/10/2011 20:41

I posted about he course, he didn't want me to do it, I am doing it though. I do want the extension, just not all the shit that is going with it.

OP posts:

Original poster

neepsntatties · 31/10/2011 20:43

Hilly that line made me snort! I am quite good at ignoring him to a point. I think it was realising that he was wanting me to feel crap that upset me. Also that he was deliberately trying to find thing to say that he thought would hurt me.

He is in a good mood now.

OP posts:

Hullygully · 31/10/2011 20:48

I think that usually when people carry on like that, they're full of misery. Because if you're happy, you don't feel like being spiteful, do you?

That's why you must refuse to engage.

BibiBatsberg · 31/10/2011 21:03

I remember your other post too OP - so glad to read you're doing your course, great news.

The words that spring to mind for your moody husband are detach detach detach from his projecting all his crap onto you.

Have a read of the support for people in emotionally abusive relationships when you get a chance as it covers this subject in depth (among lots of others)

You don't deserve a barrage of personal attacks whenever he feels like it, to make himself feel better about himself, you're not a human verbal punchbag!

ScareyFairenuff · 31/10/2011 21:20

When he's in a mood do not try to jolly him out of it. That's just pandering to him. Just say to him "I don't like the way you are talking to me." Do not engage in conversation until he is able to communicate what is really bothering him in a calm and reasonable manner. You are not responsible for appeasing him.

The other issues you will need to talk about with him to resolve them. You need to agree whether or not you are responsible for the children on your own . Otherwise, he will keep bringing up the same complaints and nothing will change.

So if, during a reasonable conversation, he can agree that you are both jointly responsible for your children, then you can also agree at the same time that he is not to say otherwise to you just because he's in a mood.

If it's not ever possible to have a reasonable conversation with him then you will have to decide what you want to do about that.

Original poster

neepsntatties · 31/10/2011 22:10

I think maybe his way of getting rid of his bad mood is to dump it on me. It helps that I am aware he is doing it, it's exhausting trying to ignore him when he is in that frame of mind.

OP posts:

ScareyFairenuff · 31/10/2011 22:16

So don't ignore him! Tell him "Stop talking to me like that, I don't like it". It's really not that hard to stand up for yourself. He only does it because he can.

Original poster

neepsntatties · 31/10/2011 22:24

I have tried that but it makes things worse, he just gets more unpleasant.

OP posts:

ScareyFairenuff · 31/10/2011 22:39

So if you ask him in a reasonable tone to stop talking to you in a way that you don't like, he gets more unpleasant? I don't see what else you can do then. You either accept that that is what he is going to continue to do and you continue to put up with it.

Or you tell him in no uncertain times that you are not going to put up with it anymore.

But you have to mean what you say. In my experience people who say I have tried that just mean they did it once or twice and the other person ignored them. Or that they backed down 'for an easy life' or any other number of reasons which meant they could avoid showing that they really mean it.

His basic response will be - or what? Because all he's heard from you are empty threats. So you need to decide on your answer to that question.

Original poster

neepsntatties · 01/11/2011 06:37

That's where I get stuck. I've asked him to go to couple's counselling with me but he won't. I've said like I did last night that I don't want to be with someone who treats me that way but it all ends up bring brushed under the carpet.

Writing that I am suddenly reminded of being a child and my mother, who was an alcoholic, behaving really outrageously when drunk and me thinking that in the morning something would have to happen. She would need to say sorry or something but it was always like nothing happened. Maybe I am reenacting something.

Maybe I should try and get some counselling myself. I don't trust my judgement right now.

OP posts:

SkinnyGirlBethany · 01/11/2011 06:51

To be honest he knows you won't leave- end it which is why he said what he said last night.
He sounds extremely insecure and is trying to make you join in his pity party.
I don't know your history but I'd guess things r going well 4 u but not so much for him?
Refuse to join in, keep your money/ some of it back as he sounds financially useless (may be wrong) and build a positive life.
You don't have to leave him but just carry on seeing friends etc.
Think of his behaviour like a toddler- ignore the tantrums- he knows what will upset you the most and will try more and more the more desperate he gets

Anniegetyourgun · 01/11/2011 08:34

Saint Lundy of Bancroft nailed this behaviour too (amazing man). He described this precise scenario. The OH is now in a good mood because he has got what he wanted, ie you in a bad mood. He can now relax, job done.

I'm personally quite a fan of the "leave the bastard" approach, but even if that's not what you want to do, what with children in the mix 'n' all, a helpful approach would be to find out just what would happen, legally, financially etc, if you were to split, and then put it to him. Unless he really does want to split (which is doubtful) it should concentrate his mind wonderfully. It's not as if knowing it upsets you has made him behave any better.

And yes, do look into some counselling for yourself.

Original poster

neepsntatties · 01/11/2011 08:53

I don't want to split but I do want to protect myself. How would I find that info out? CAB? I used to have savings but they are all gone now because of the extension. I need to start saving again.

OP posts:

Anniegetyourgun · 01/11/2011 09:09

CAB is good. There are a number of other sources of information too, eg government, solicitors and legal and financial bodies. You'll want to find out everything you can, particularly advice about minimising the impact on children, and of course finances. I hope it doesn't end up scaring you more than it does him, though... Internet research is free and it doesn't commit you to anything. The point here is to know what you can do about it if you either want to or have to.

Fairenuff · 01/11/2011 17:55

Counselling and/or assertiveness training would probably be very useful to you OP. Do other people in your life tend to disregard your opinions, feelings, etc. Do you children run rings round you. Sometimes understanding how to change the things you can is all you need really.

Original poster

neepsntatties · 01/11/2011 21:57

I do think assertiveness training would be good for me.

Tonight I was out at my own business, he kept calling me to come home because the baby was crying which was impossible as I was teaching a class. Then when I got home he said that when I went away next he was just going to leave her to cry because he knows that will upset me. Ds is asleep in his clothes ffs. He should be able to look after his own kids for a few hours.

OP posts:

pollyblue · 01/11/2011 22:16

Never mind trying to jolly him out of a mood, I'd blow my stack at him. He sounds thoroughly unpleasant.

Sorry OP, not at all helpful - but can you find it in yourself to get really angry at the way he treats you? Anger - used positively -can be quite liberating.

And yes, he should be able to look at his own children for a few hours - he's choosing not to, because he wants to get up your nose. What a lovely man...[hmmm]

pollyblue · 01/11/2011 22:17

too many mmm's!

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