How do I get on with my SIL?

[addictediam]

I've always found my SIL really hard to get on with, apparently she really likes me not that you would know it but it?s got to the stage where every little thing she does makes me really angry and upset with her.

The most recent being this weekend, for my dd's first birthday I decided to wrap up and give her a dolly which I had when I was a little girl, it?s a very special dolly to me and holds lots of memories and I would like nothing more than dd to play with it and probably destroy it! love it like I did.

So a few weeks ago SIL tells dh she?s getting dd a doll for her birthday as she didn?t have one, dh told her we were giving her one and she didn?t really need 2, she sounded really put out and asked what she could get for her instead so dh gave her a few suggestions.

fast forward to Saturday SIL turns up at her party demanding dd open her present first and when she does it?s a rag doll. Just to point out, this isn?t what bothers me; dd can have 2 dolls that?s fine. SIL then starts going on and on (to a 1 year old who doesn?t understand her, so purely for my benefit to embarrass me in front of friends) about how 'this dolly is much better than her other one as it wasn?t second had, it was brand new, all the way from America just for her because she?s a special girl' and 'auntie x obviously loves you more than mummy because she spent lots of money on her brand new special doll and mummy just got all her birthday presents for free' (this is true, I used to be a cm and had lots of perfectly good toys in the garage so wrapped up some and gave them to her she?s 1, she?s never going to know I didn?t buy them specifically for her!)

DH says I should let it go and let it wash over me, and try and get on with her for his sake, but I really don?t want to. I don?t like her; I think she?s a selfish brat whose family have pandered to for far too long

I know it may sound very petty but I really could go on and on with things shes done to me, DH and dd.

How do I put up with her and get on with her?

She has issues. Probably massive insecurity (needs to display one-upmanship, etc).

And this? --> "auntie x obviously loves you more than mummy"
She has issues that make her go way out of line!

How do you put up with her? You accept that she is the way she is. But you lay down boundaries: when she does shit like that, pull her up on it. Doesn't have to be aggressive -- quite the contrary. But spell out in what ways her behaviour is unacceptable to you. Every time. It's tough, but you can learn to do it and it will get easier with practice. Google "assertiveness techniques". Basically it's a way of asking for respect, while still respecting the other person's right to be who they are.

She sounds grim. I'd be avoiding her as far as possible. Isn't your DH concerned about how your SIL's nastiness at the party made YOU feel? After all,he would have been aware how much your doll meant to you and that it was a special present.

oh she has HUGE issues, mainly revolving around her twin brother dying 14 years ago and then her baby brother (my dh - 10 years younger than her) marrying and having dc when that?s what she really wants, and then there?s the fact that I am 24 married with 1 dd and another on the way where she is living at home, no significant other and 40 years old.

He is but they all pander to her and accept her behaviour. He did tell her to stop at the time, when he could see that I had reached breaking point. But she doesn?t listen. And if you try and pull her up on anything all you get is 'But my TWIN brother died, you just don?t understand how hard that is'

I know I need to get more assertive with her, it?s just hard when all her family look at me like I've stepped out of line for pulling her up on something. For example

She had a proper foot stamping screaming toddler 2 year old tantrum in the street when we went on holiday because FIL picked up dd and said 'come to granddad my wee girl'. (this is what FIL used to call her) dd giggled at her as she thought it was funny (so did I!) she screamed at dd to 'shut up, and stop laughing you nasty little brat' and grabbed her arm making her cry (dd was 10mo at the time) I told her not to talk to dd like that, she was a baby and maybe SIL should act her age, I also added if she ever put her hands on my dd again I would make sure she never saw her again. She then started screaming at me telling me I should control my daughter [hhmm] I was made to apologise to her [hshock] as was FIL for upsetting her?? Although on this occasion DH was really angry and only apologised (on my behalf as I refused) to keep MIL happy.

I just want to scream from the roof tops she?s 40 ffs

Sorry 2nd para should say He is concerned how its making me feel but they all pander to her...

Her family has a (dysfunctional) system in which her behaviour is allowed. You do not need to become a cog in that system.

Yes, they will look at you because you've stepped out of line, because you have: you have stepped outside their dysfunctional system. And what of it? Which is more important to you? Pandering to this dysfunction, or stating your needs and asking for them to be respected?

Think your DH is being a little short-sighted here, actually. If he wants the two of you to get along and lay the scene for a close family set-up in years to come, he needs to acknowledge the (justifiable) issue you have with her behaviour and help deal with it. Otherwise, you're going to avoid engineering situations where she's around, which is not presumably what he wants, ultimately.

You were made to apologise to her? Your DH apologised on your behalf?

I prescribe this.

"auntie x obviously loves you more than mummy ..." she actually said those exact words? And nobody said anything, stopped her, laughed in her face, raised an eyebrow?

She sounds bonkers and your DH needs to grow a backbone and stand up to her if you won't.

Just read your latest! Your DH APOLOGISED for you????????!!!!!

Toxic families; gotta love 'em.

I have been made to apologise for various adults' tantrums too. I understand the pressure your DH is under, the system he is caught in. He will have to wake up to it and grow a backbone in his own time, though. All you can do is stand firmly for your own principles and not join in step with their dysfunctional dance.

See, in some circumstances, it could be a jokey thing. I did it recently to SIL's dog who was on a restricted diet. Cuddled him and spoke in a sing-song voice, "oh you poor little soldier, come and live with Auntie Clam and I'll give you nice food, not like this horrible stuff they're force-feeding you with here."
OK, he's a dog, but you could get away with it with a baby too, unless you have the sort of 'form' that your SIL obviously has, where the joke might not translate well.

Sorry, pumpkin but I cannot see ANY circumstance where I would be made to apologise for something I didn't believe I was guilty of. Happy to say sorry 'til the cows come home if I am guilty of cocking up or whatever, but NEVER in this sort of circumstance. Although, to be fair, the OP did say she refused.

My parents and every other normal sane thinking person raised an eyebrow, but no one said any thing, I think they were all too shocked! A couple of people asked if she had any sort of SN after when she was out of ear shot. And when I picked up dd and walked off DH did tell her to stop, but it fell on deaf ears.

Clam DH said it was a begrugging apology (I wasnt there, I had taken dd back to our caravan as I wanted nothing more to do with them) he says he reitterated that what she did was out of order, but we were sorry I threatened her with not seeing dd again

Sorry, pumpkin but I cannot see ANY circumstance where I would be made to apologise for something I didn't believe I was guilty of.

I think I see your point, clam. Is it about agency -- ie. no-one can make you do anything, since you are the master of your own actions, etc?

Totally agree with you. Now. And I'm proud to say I can even practice that these days. But being raised in a toxic family, you do grow up believing that you are guilty of everything people tell you, or that you have to follow the orders of controlling people. So forced apologies are "normal" in this dysfunctional world, along with a bunch of other strange shit.

Pumpkin thats exactly it. DH is always shocked at my family's relationships with one another, he just doesnt understand that we dont need to tip toe around 1 person, we all get an equil say and if we disagree with one another it doesnt mean we dont love each other, just that we have a diffrence of opinion.

I would have told her (on her own) that her remarks at your daughters birthday were cruel and insensitive and if she criticises you in front of your daughter like that in future you will be wanting nothing more to do with her.
I presume you had already given your daughter your present in the morning well before the party anyway.
In future I would tell her nothing about the presents you intend to buy your daughter and would see as little of her as possible. she sounds unpleasant and selfish.

I would not see her tbh, let your dh see her if he wants but I would refuse.

As she lives at home with her parents it would mean not seeing mil and fil, I do try and minimise contact and invite mil and fil here a lot without her.

I love dh, but I don't trust him to tell me exactly what his sister has said and done to our dd and I don't want her growing up thinking her behaviour is normal or making excuses so feel I need to be there whenever dd has contact with sil to protect her.

I also know that as dd grows up and I have more dc sil will start taking her fustration and anger at not having her own family out on them (shes already made nasty comments to dd and me, stormed out of dd's blessing and sobbed loudly taking friends and family away from the service to comfort her as she wanted a baby first. Then refused to even look at dd telling her she was 'daddys mistake' because 'daddy wouldn't want to hurt me like this' and insisted mil and fil drive her home as she was too upset to stay, a 1.5 hour journey so they couldn't come back and join the celebration) and again I feel I need to be there to stand up to what she says and does, I don't want my dc growing up thinking you have to take 'bullying' and manipulation from certain people. I want my dc to be strong enough to tell her where to get off. And if all they see is mil, fil and dh roll over and accept it they will think its ok.

I'm reading this back laughing at her actions, at the time I get so angry with her but writing them down and reading it back is making me realise how pathetic and manipulative she really is!

On our wedding day she walked out of the ceremony as she was too upset she wasn't getting married. I didn't know but was told by dh during the reception as mil had asked if we could try and make the day less about us as it was really upsetting sil. (dh told mil, it was out special day and she was free to leave, a comment he was made to apologise for later!)

She does sound as though she has learning difficulties/ low IQ. She may have personality problems as well but alot of this just sounds childish and immature, along with the inability to live independantly. I definitely wouldn't be going on holiday with her again. Your inlaws sound awful for encouraging her behaviour eg your MIL's comments at your wedding. Their behaviour is only acceptable if she is mentally handicapped and therefore vulnerable.

What 2rebecca said. She hurt a 10-month-old baby, for laughing? That's way beyond "having issues" and somewhere in dangerously unstable territory. You can't just learn to get on with someone who attacks a small child, and I'm at her parents even expecting you to. Presumably they're so used to it they've normalised it, but wouldn't their little grandchild crying have got through their shell?

Apologise my arse, but I might have been persuaded not to kill her right there in the street

I disagree with low IQ/ learning disabilities. This is learned behaviour- it may have started when her Tbrother died, as in "give her what she wants, she's upset", and carried on from there- a 40 yr old saying "but my brother died!" smacks of this, also tantruming- her parents have never made her develop adult behaviour patterns. These behaviours unfailingly get her what she wants- why would she change them?

I'm afraid to say my 18 yr old DSD was a bit like that, had foot stamping temper tantrums, screaming fits etc good enough to grace any 2 yr old, everyoccasion has to be about her (she sulked at her young brothers birthday, as she was not getting any attention, ffs!)
The whole family was so used to it, that nobody questioned it, until I came and my DP all of a sudden saw it with my eyes, and was mortified- he has since reigned it in severely.

addictediam

Why would you at all want to try and get along with someone like this?.

You would not tolerate this from a friend; family are really no different.

I would also think that this is at heart learnt behaviour; her parents never allowed her to develop and her family have all pandered to her for too long with predictable result. They are also responsible for her being the way she is.

I am but also at your DH's mother,( yes, she is his mother too) asking that your Wedding Day is less about you two!!

You need to talk your DH and say that his parents need to come around for a serious talk. They are enabling this behaviour and need to know that it stops here and now.

Hurting a 10 month old baby is beyond acceptable.

Put your foot down now with the idiotic woman.