Please tell me about the 'balance' in your relationship...

[blueskydrinking]

...and does it work for you?

And did you have to work hard to get it that way or did it just evolve?

I mean in terms of responsibilities, who does what, where your balance lies in terms of family/home/work responsibilities.

As you might suspect, I'm feeling a bit frustrated in this area at the moment, but I'd love to hear other people's experiences first because it tends to come to a head when I'm pregnant/breast feeding(/knackered) and I'm not sure how much is just down to hormones.

TIA

I do all the housework including the cooking. DH does a bit of DIY. It boils over into a row every so often and he might wash up once or twice before normality resumes.

We both do the same job for the same salary. I'll be returning to work in January doing 75% of my normal hours after 9 months maternity leave. He's already told me that if we have another baby I won't have the 'luxury' of being off so long . I secretly think we'll be fine if we cut down a bit - Sky Sports is not essential is it?

I'd love to know what the answer to this one is. I know I've made DH sound like a knob but he's really a good man in most respects and just a bit clueless about some things (there'll be no leaving the bastard over it).

Sorry OP, I've just hijacked your thread for my own rant.

Hi bluesky...my household runs well now...did not for nearly 12+ months after our DS was born 16 moths ago. DH works full time so I do all childcare..housework etc & when I go to work for a few hours at a weekend...my DH has our DS and does the house renovations when I get home. Before we came to a balance...I did everything & did find it hard. It took time to delegate as I was 100% with DS...house etc. Our routine works really well now. Can I ask what you are struggling with most?

DH works full time, I work part time (9-4) and we have 2 DDs at school and a cleaner once a week. I would say that a lot of the day to day stuff is pretty equally shared - DH cooks quite a lot, does DIY, car stuff and looks after the pets. I do more of the extra cleaning/hoovering that needs doing, gardening and cook for the kids if they're not eating with us. What I struggle against is that the responsibility for managing the DDs / school stuff, and the family diary mostly rests with me. If I am not around, DH won't check what the girls need for school / do their homework with them etc.

I have made some strides in the past couple of years towards trying to share responsibilities a bit more in these areas - so we have a list of what the girls need each day up by the door, and we have a shared calendar in Google docs etc - information is power after all!

DH earns the money and I do the childcare, and all the cooking during the week. I try and do most of the housework during the week but with a 7mo who is already crawling and 3yo it doesn't always get done. So DH and I do it between us in the evenings or at the weekends. We are actually in the process of sorting out a cleaner because we want to use that time for other things.
DH sorts the cars and the DIY, and I do the food planning and shopping and manage our finances.
It works well for us.

We have separate houses. That helps a lot

We've been as 50:50 as our relative resources allow from the start. When we met he earned a lot more than I did; we split day to day expenses but he paid the mortgage until we were secure enough to put my name on the title, at which point both salaries went straight into the same joint account. In the ensuing years, he's supported me through law school and now I'm the main breadwinner while he does a PhD, but both of us take whatever paid work we can around those commitments, so there's never been a period where either of us are 100% breadwinner.

When I was on maternity leave I did as much of the housework as I could manage during the day and then we split the remainder during the evening/weekends (because babies, obviously, go through phases of being harder or easier to work around). When I went back to work he took over as much of the child care as was required to make that work. Now I work three days a week and look after DD the other two, he 'works' five days a week but some of that is unpaid PhD work, and we both just do what needs doing when it needs doing.

Basically neither person sits on their arse if the other one isn't, except if they are ill, although of course we're kind to one another if one of us is just exhausted or Over It unusually.

No, that makes you sound like you have a caring husband.

FFS, why do women have to feel guilty and apologise for their situation when they've just had a traumatic birth and are in significant pain? What the fuck has society done to us that we don't see that as a legitimate need?

We share pretty much 50/50, even pretty much every other night doing bath and bedtime for our dd. Cooking and cleaning also 50/50 though if I am completely honest hubby is better than me so sometimes I may be doing less than him. He never does laundry, bakes or sorts out the pre-school kit, books GP or dentist appointments or anything like that but then I never change a lightbulb, do DIY, get the car serviced or take out the rubbish. So I can't complain if I have to do the cupcake batch! I think its about seeing what needs doing whilst at the same time being allowed to do the things we perhaps enjoy more doing as far as is possible (so DIY for hubby, baking etc for me). Neither of us nag but we do let the other know if we think they need to do more and neither get huffy with the other because of it. It works for us but we've only got one dd so who knows how it will turn out if we have more dc...

We don't have children yet, but if we do, I will be the one working and he will be SAHD and then part time/working from home.

It's very equal righ now, we both do what's necesssary. As DH works from home, he does everything that needs to be done during working hours - takes dogs to vet, deals with all kinds of deliveries, plumbers-builders and such. We both cook and clean as necessary. He does dishes, I do laundry. He takes care of all the bills and taxes and lets me know when I should transfer money between accounts. I make most of the money.

We never really had any disussions about the division, (except that I made it really clear when we first started dating that I'm a horrible feminist and will certainly not scrub the kitchen while he is watching tv), but it just works.

We split things relatively equally, although I have spurts of activity then whole weekends of doing nothing, whereas he is generally more consistent! I do more clothes washing, he does the dishes and we both cook & vacuum. That said, today is my first day of maternity leave so I expect I will do a bit more of the 'pottering' jobs as I'll be at home more.

I'm not naturally motivated to chores so we occasionally have a 'moment' where I'll be reminded of this but generally we both know what needs to be done to ensure we don't live in a pigsty / starve / have to go out naked and we get it done between us.

This is really interesting - thanks everybody.

In our household, I work part-time and bring in probably 4/5 of the total income at the moment. I'm lucky in that respect - it's good pay for the hours I work.

I tend to do all of the day-to-day housework and childcare (obv apart from when DS is at nursery and I'm at work). I recently took on a cleaner because I was so sick of doing everything myself. However... while it is fantastic not to have to worry about the 'big cleans', this was the one time DH regularly helped. So it's made his life much easier but my day-to-day work load hasn't changed a great deal, if that makes sense (still have to do the washing/ironing/un/load the dishwasher, tidy and hoover after the whirlwind that is DS on a daily basis). Like primaballerina , every now and then we'll have an argument and he'll load the dishwasher or something and then it gets back to normal. Again, it's the same in that he does random DIY stuff which I suspect leads him to think that our workload is equally balanced.

When I first became pregnant this time, he made our dinner each night (he's a great cook) which was fab, but this seems to have petered out over the last week or so.

Rogers1 you asked what I was struggling with the most and it's currently the get-ups with DS. I'm 10 weeks pregnant, completely knackered trying to keep up with DS and not letting the house descend into chaos. But as always, it's assumed that I will deal with night-time wake-ups and early morning starts. If I do tell DH to get up instead, you'd think he was doing me the biggest favour in the world. I can count on one hand the number of times he's done it voluntarily over the last couple of years.

Tortoise I think your point sums it up really - that neither of you sits on your arse if the other isn't :) When I'm up and my day has well and truly started while DH has a lie in, or when I'm cleaning up all the toys in the living room while DH peers round me to watch the football, it's bloody annoying.

He's definitely not lazy, but I just don't think we've got the balance quite right at the moment. And there's never any allowance for if I'm knackered/pregnant/ill and struggling.

We both work full time. I have recently gone back to work after maternity leave and after a very recent argument where DH said I was being a bitch towards him and I told him to do more to help with the baby we seem to have reached a balance for now...

I have been really mean to him but he hasn't been getting up to help with the baby and since I went back to work I have found things more frustrating. I have stopped doing his washing and ironing too. I still think the balance is probably more 70/30 (although slightly improved recently) and I find it frustrating that I am the only one who changes bedding and sorts washing out but I am just starting to stop doing the stuff I feel resentful about so if DH needs Shirts for work he will have to sort them out.

I want our son to have good role models. DH does cook and wash up.

We earn similar amounts, all of which goes into one account. All DDebits come out, then we spend what we like out of the rest. We speak to the other one re: 'frivolous' puchases (I want a pair of £85 winter boots which is frivulous imo, so I wont buy until we've spoke about it).

I work shifts, hes a 9-5er. Neither of us do housework on day we are at work, both do what needs doing on our day offf. If im not working late Ill cook tea for both. If I am working late, he sorts himself out.

He had half term off, and it was wonderful coming home to food cooked, laundry done etc. I know he lazed around a LOT that week, but deserved it, as it was a holiday, and by his next hol, we'll have a LO, so I did say he should make the most of it.
The only 'inequlity' is that I drive and he doesnt....BUT I love driving, and he has no inclination to learn and never ever expects me to drive him anywhere, so it's not a problem.

We both work full time (long hours is the norm) and don't have kids yet, so we both pitch in with whatever needs doing when it needs to be done.

Some household jobs seem to fall more to me (cleaning the bathroom, changing the beds, cooking, ordering the groceries), others fall more to him (anything DIY, looking after car stuff). I guess it's just the way it happened but it works for us. Some jobs come down to choice, others skills, others out of a sheer hatred of them (I hate vacuuming, so DH does it!).

We don't argue about it, we just get on with it and respect each other's time, so if one is busy. the other does what they need.

He sounds bloody lazy to me, blueskies! If he earns 1/5th of the family income, have you two talked about him quitting work and taking over all the household chores and childcare? Because it sounds a lot like he thinks that being the man of the house gives him the right to do what the hell he wants, frankly. He gets to decide when you take maternity leave, does he? And you do all the housework and childcare? And yet you earn massively more than he does?

Can you imagine ANY man putting up with a situation where they earnt 4 times what their wife did, and did all the housework and childcare? Because I can't.

MrsB, what a horrible midwife! And you are lucky, he sounds lovely - just stop telling yourself that you're getting away with something, or calling yourself selfish. Think how much better you are as a parent because you're bringing your child up with a loving, respectful familial model, and think how much more of a parent you can be because you're getting the bare minimum of sleep and you feel cherished and nurtured.

It's not just women who suffer from these lazy, crap men. It's the children who get shortchanged.

I think the most frustrating thing is that it's really difficult to talk to DH sometimes. No matter how non-confontational I try to be, if it implies that he might be at fault in some way, something in him switches off and goes really cold so I have to brace myself for a huge strop, a HUGE argument or decide it's just not worth mentioning.

We can never just have a conversation about stuff like this and that drives me crazy.

Oops, got my fractions completely wrong! What did I mean?... I earn 40% he earns 60%! My job has nothing to do with maths, you'll be reassured to know

No that's not quite right either... anyway, I earn a little bit less than him is the point. Crikey....

And yep, what on earth was that midwife thinking? Incredible.

Hi there,

in our house it goes like this

DH:
Gets up with the kids
Gives them breakfast
Goes to work full time
Does a quick bedtime story if kids are still awake
Cooks an evening meal for the two of us if I haven't prepared a meal for the kids that does everybody.
He mows the lawn and does DIY
He does the dishwasher a bit more than I do
On the weekends he usually makes some bread or bakes some sort of fruit based pie or pud (he's better at baking and likes to eat them more that me)
Sorts out bills and payments / household, car etc

I:
Take the kids to and from school and nursery
Do all their meals / lunchboxes
Help with homework
Buy all of their clothes and do and most of their washing (he may stick a load in from time to time)
Clean the house
Food shopping
Walk the dog and sort out the chickens
Do some self-employed part time work - I'm starting a business
Bath and put the kids to bed
Make some bread in the week if there's time
Assemble anything flat packed because he never gets round to it and I'm impatient!

DH and I usually do our own clothes washing, although I will often do him some shirts for the week.

We started off co-parenting a lot more as he worked from home and I had a very rough start to motherhood physically which took time to recover (although we had always said we would co-parent as much as poss from before we were TTC - the feminist in me and him being used to having his dad around growing up made that an easy joint decision).

His full time office job only started a few months ago, so it feels very traditional now compared to how much involvement he used to have. I do find it less stressful though because the house is more "mine" if that makes sense and we don't bicker over so many decisions and methods of parenting as we used to. I hate to say it but the more traditional way has been quite good for us.

What an awful midwife!

I think the most important place to be equal is in the childcare when you are both at home. DH feeds the boys, does baths, nappies, toilet trips, plays, gets up to them in the night.
I sort all the drs appointments, things to do with preschool etc because I'm a SAHM and I consider it part of my job, but when DH is here he looks after the boys as much as I do.

Hi Bluesky,

We both work, him full time - often from home. Me 3 days a week with long commute. Money is divided 50/50 with joint and personal spending money put aside each month. DH cooks every night and puts everything away in dishwasher and keeps kitchen clean (I have had to lower my standards a little on this point ).

He also does lots of DIY, mows lawn, puts out bins, does own clothes washing and takes kids to childcare if Im not there.

I do all dusting, hoovering, bathroom cleaning, tidying crap away, kids washing, kids appointments etc, some DIY, weeding and planting and organising finances.

We share weekly food shop, getting up in the night with kids and looking after kids at weekend. Lie ins are not expected but we often try to treat each other if one feels up to giving the other one some extra time in the morning.

If it helps, my friend's husband was pretty useless but she has given him set tasks to complete each week e.g. dusting on a monday - and it seems to be paying off. She is slowly adding in new tasks as things improve. She started by writing down all the tasks needed around the house and physically demonstrating how little he contributed.

I don't know how you cope with someone freeloading when you have kids as well. I would be actively going out of my way to make their life a living hell .

DP works full time out of the house, I work full time at home. I do all the housework, unless i specifically ask him to do something.

but tbh that's how i like it as he's useless (or lets me think so) and i'm a bit OCD. But when im pre-menstrual i tend to get stressed at him and nag a bit more but poor bloke can't win! lol

You mean 2/5ths, not 4/5ths. But he's still being a lazy twat, and the fact that he throws a strop and goes cold when you bring it up shows that he knows that perfectly well.

So, okay, no point suggesting that he stay home - I didn't think he'd agree anyway, it's just an interesting experiment to weed out the men who think that childcare and housework are women's work and beneath them.

It does sound bloody frustrating. And uncaring - I remember first trimester with a toddler, it was tough work. How dare he think that his right to sit on his arse and watch football is more important than your health?