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Original poster

Sorting out finances

33 replies

lightsandshapes · 31/10/2011 08:05

DP and I have been together 5 years - he's older than me (46) and I'm 34 and pregnant with my first baby.

Finances have always been a bit of an issue for us. We are not struggling for money but are not loaded (teacher and lecturer). But he is a bit 'tight' with money IMO.

We live in his house - a very small biju bungalow / cottage by the sea. He has almost paid off the mortgage over the last 12 years (about 2.5 k left) and so costs are low. Since going on maternity, I pay him £200 per month in bills / rent but also get in most of the food (which cost me about £400 last month but that's another story!!) Previoulsy I was paying £400 a month into a joint account which was used for food, home improvements, joint items and nights out together. He has always said he thinks I'm 'getting a good deal'. I have no claim on this current house whatsoever in the eyes of the law and he 'doesnt believe in marriage' Hmm

As we have a baby on the way, space is maxed out so we may have to consider moving. He's happy to stay in this ex batchelor pad house so I'm really the one pushing it and it's hard work!!. However, what is fair in terms of financing a new house?? He says pay half each. i.e. on a 300,000 house we pay £150,000 each. He would use the equity from his own house and therefore I would be paying the lion's share of the new mortgage. Is this fair?? Am I from some romantic era, when I think everything should go into one pot and the man should 'look after' the woman and children?? Or should it be brutally 'fair' and he should be given credit for his older age and the fact that he has equity in the bag? By living with him for 5 years I have accrued some saings (15k) but not had the chance to get on the housing ladder!

Objective opinions from both male and female perspectives greatly appreciated! Finances are a prennial source of argument debate for us.....

OP posts:
laracroft2001 · 31/10/2011 08:30

I don't like that he said 'you are getting a good deal' in regards to what you pay. If you are in a serious partnership then it should be 'our money' not 'mine and yours' if you know what I mean. I am completely on side with you - one pot, though i do believe its irrelevant who pays the most in. For the last couple of years its been me paying more into the 'pot' than my partner, as I earned more and he had some debt to sort out, but that has slowly changed to him paying more as his earnings have overtaken mine and I am going on maternity leave. It should be a joint mortgage with you both contributing what you can to get a better deal all round. I.e. he can use equity from his house, you can use some savings. You have a kid on the way, and been together over 5 years so it shouldnt be a problem!?!?!
(just my opinion though!!)

tallulah · 31/10/2011 08:50

Why are you having a baby with this man?! Alarm bells would be ringing for me.

Original poster
lightsandshapes · 31/10/2011 08:52

Can you be more specific Tallulh??

OP posts:
boschy · 31/10/2011 08:53

I dont think he is being fair at all, it should be 'our' money not his 'n hers. You dont have to be married - unless you both want to of course - but after 5 years together, baby on the way (congrats) I'd want him to be more committed than he seems to be.

what does he say when you talk to him about money?

SolidGoldVampireBat · 31/10/2011 08:55

So he doesn't believe in marriage and thinks you're 'getting a good deal'? Sounds to me like he thinks you should be grateful he doesn't dump you, and that he reckons he can and will dump you when someone else comes along.

Original poster
lightsandshapes · 31/10/2011 09:00

Boschy - he just says he wants things to be 'fair' and doesnt want to be 'penalised' for having been careful with money all these years and paying off his mortgage for all these years...... very clinical attitude IMO

SolidGoldVampireBat - that seems quite a pessemistic view! Hopefully not true Sad

OP posts:
MissWooWoo · 31/10/2011 13:54

Is it fair? No.

You are not a couple of friends getting a mortgage together. Neither are you a childless couple (one on the way counts!) earning the same amount of money.

What does he expect you to do? struggle to pay "your" half of the mortgage whilst he spends "his" money on whatever the hell he likes.

For what it's worth, my partner and I (1 dc) consider all money to be "our" money, I'm a SAHM and he is the sole breadwinner. Of course, I have no money to pay into a pot but he doesn't begrudge me a thing because although we're not married, we are a family and we're in this together.

Ask yourself this .. if the boot was on the other foot would you be putting the same demands on him as he is putting on you?

What a horribly stressful situation for you to be in. Time to talk about what it means to be a family because clearly he has no clue.

Original poster
lightsandshapes · 31/10/2011 16:44

You're all right.

MissWooWoo - "Ask yourself this .. if the boot was on the other foot would you be putting the same demands on him as he is putting on you?" It doesnt look good does it....

Thing is I've talked to him until I'm blue in the face, but he hasn't moved an iota. What actual leverage have I got in this situation? I'm not about to leave the father of my unborn baby to 'make a point' about finances Sad

OP posts:
NellyMelba · 31/10/2011 16:50

why did you have a child with this man with all these unresolved issues.

sighs

I really really wish people would be fussier about who they have kids with, or at least get to know them slightly beforehand

Original poster
lightsandshapes · 31/10/2011 16:59

I'm gld your life is so perfect NellyMelba and you can look down from your high horse at the choices others make - what's your circumstances, out of interest? We both have loads to offer a child that you wouldn't know about.

I really wish people would be less judgemental.

FWIW I have known DP for 15 years and chose him because he will be an excelent Dad. So I know him very well.

OP posts:
lelainapierce · 31/10/2011 17:11

'excellent' dads dont treat their children's mothers like this

Original poster
lightsandshapes · 31/10/2011 17:17

Yawn, was hoping for some sensible advice, however there seem to be a few bitter man haters on here who would rather pass judgement than give good advice (thanks to those who have btw).

OP posts:
Slashtrophe · 31/10/2011 17:27

On a very practical level you could easily have written into the deeds that you have put in 15k and he is putting in 150k, so he still effectively owns his 150k should you sell later, and then you can split the rest of the mortgage.

Ben10WasTheSpawnNowWeLoveLego · 31/10/2011 17:41

I agree with Slash

lucidlady · 31/10/2011 17:47

Also agree with slash. My DH and I put substantial amounts of cash into our house and we have split the ownership percentages to reflect this. If we were to divorce we'd split the proceeds from house sale accordingly. FWIW we pay different amounts on mortgage as he used some of the funds for clearing his debts. I can understand where your DP is coming from tbh bit I think he is BU to refuse to discuss it with you.

FabbyChic · 31/10/2011 20:00

Basically if you put in 15k and he puts in 150k he has put in ten times more than you, so effectively if you ever split up he gets ten times more equity than you do, or he owns ten times more of the house than you do.

FabbyChic · 31/10/2011 20:00

However is he intending on supporting the child financially at all? Or does that fall to you?

SolidGoldVampireBat · 31/10/2011 20:04

He thinks he's the one in charge of the relationship. This is not a healthy way for you to live: you are just as important as him, not a combination of domestic servant and pet that he has 'bought'.

mummyosaurus · 31/10/2011 20:14

I think this is going to be much, much harder to sort out when the baby is here. Resolve it now.

You need to sort out not only what is going to happen about the new mortgage, but also childcare costs, paying for nappies, possibly formula.

You weren't kidding when you said he was "tight" were you. He needs to think in terms of a partnership, and be encouraged to put the baby first rather than himself.

jasper · 31/10/2011 20:15

half each I think is fair.

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 31/10/2011 20:21

You are on maternity leave and still expected to dig into savings to "contribute".

Fucking massive clanging alarm bells there OP.

CaptainNancy · 31/10/2011 20:22

Why do you want to buy a property with him? He isn't exactly a partner is he?
All money and assets in a relationship where you're having children should be shared- what will you do, go back to work when baby is 12 weeks so you can pay a mortgage?

HoldMeCloserTonyDanza · 31/10/2011 20:24

Oh and the reason he can overpay his mortgage is because YOU are subsidising HIM. He's the one whose got a good deal the last five years.

What a cheapskate. How can you respect him?

luzluz · 31/10/2011 20:25

I think he needs a bit of a wake up call. He is going to be a father. Feeling he is 'being penalised for being careful' is bonkers. You are going to be together for the rest of your lives. Why should you pay more? You are giving him the gift of a child. You're a team not a business partnership.

In your position I would point out that the normal, reasonable thing to do (plus lots of people of MN already do this) is to pool all your income and take 50/50 of what's left for joint/personal spending. The mortgage should be paid both of you from this joint pool.

It seems such a pessimistic way of viewing your new family. What a shame you are having to waste emotional energy on this when you're pregnant - you should be putting your feet up watching telly and rubbing your burgeoning belly. Hope you can shame him into manning up a bit!

clam · 31/10/2011 20:32

OK, so he may well look like he'll be an excellent dad (although I'm not sure how you know this yet - time will tell. Define "excellent," for a start) But for me the alarm bells would be ringing about what I would judge to be a selfish "me, mine, don't want to share" attitude. You see, to my mind, that's got to seep out into other areas of your life together.