Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sorting out finances

33 replies

lightsandshapes · 31/10/2011 08:05

DP and I have been together 5 years - he's older than me (46) and I'm 34 and pregnant with my first baby.

Finances have always been a bit of an issue for us. We are not struggling for money but are not loaded (teacher and lecturer). But he is a bit 'tight' with money IMO.

We live in his house - a very small biju bungalow / cottage by the sea. He has almost paid off the mortgage over the last 12 years (about 2.5 k left) and so costs are low. Since going on maternity, I pay him £200 per month in bills / rent but also get in most of the food (which cost me about £400 last month but that's another story!!) Previoulsy I was paying £400 a month into a joint account which was used for food, home improvements, joint items and nights out together. He has always said he thinks I'm 'getting a good deal'. I have no claim on this current house whatsoever in the eyes of the law and he 'doesnt believe in marriage' Hmm

As we have a baby on the way, space is maxed out so we may have to consider moving. He's happy to stay in this ex batchelor pad house so I'm really the one pushing it and it's hard work!!. However, what is fair in terms of financing a new house?? He says pay half each. i.e. on a 300,000 house we pay £150,000 each. He would use the equity from his own house and therefore I would be paying the lion's share of the new mortgage. Is this fair?? Am I from some romantic era, when I think everything should go into one pot and the man should 'look after' the woman and children?? Or should it be brutally 'fair' and he should be given credit for his older age and the fact that he has equity in the bag? By living with him for 5 years I have accrued some saings (15k) but not had the chance to get on the housing ladder!

Objective opinions from both male and female perspectives greatly appreciated! Finances are a prennial source of argument debate for us.....

OP posts:
AKissIsNotAContract · 31/10/2011 20:38

I really think you might be in a stronger position if you considered investing your money in some other way that doesn't tie you to your DP. He doesn't seem to want to be financially tied to you and if you use all your savings in a house together you could end up trapped.

He certainly has a very odd way of looking at relationships, especially when a child is involved.

AKissIsNotAContract · 31/10/2011 20:48

Just reread your OP. I noticed you say 'I'm 34 and pregnant with my first baby'. Does this mean that your DP has a child/children already? Don't wish to be morbid but you really need to discuss wills too if you have no plans to marry. If he is planning on leaving his half of the house to someone other than you then buying a house with him could leave you in a vulnerable position in years to come.

boschy · 01/11/2011 08:53

this might be a bit personal, but did/does he want this baby? its just that he sounds to me as if he is 'just going along with it' rather than actively planning for the baby's arrival, new life together etc.
I think it might be wise to stash your savings somewhere very safe where only you can get at them - I wouldnt put them into a new joint mortgage with him because I'm not sure you would come out of it well if things came to that.

Collaborate · 01/11/2011 09:29

OK - my perspective as a divorce solicitor:

You aren't married, so the previous posters hoping for him to gift you his substantial savings aren't being realistic.

Let's assume that you buy a house for £300k and he contributes £150k, you £15k. You'll need a mortgage of £135k.

He will own 50% of the value of the house (not subject to mortgage). You will own 5% (again not subject to mortgage) and you will both own 45% between you (subject to the mortgage).

While you are a family my personal view is that your income should be pooled. You should each make wills, and be aware what the other has put in their will.

You should ensure that you both enter into a deed of trust setting this all out when you buy the house. Speak to the conveyancing solicitor at the time you buy.

Does that help?

cestlavielife · 01/11/2011 11:13

currently you have no claim on his house depsiute contributing to it, so it makes sense if you get another property jointly to clearly spell out who owns what. at the moment you are really just a lodger.

tho with baby in mix who knows what might happen... legally he then becomes responsible for the child and in providing a roof over its head. but if you split you would only be entitled to maintenance for the child, nothing more.

you also need to discuss properly who pays for baby's costs etc. he doesnt believe in marriage fair enough - but does he believe in jointly bringing up baby?

i think though you shoudl keep your savings completely separate as who knows if you might need them in the future for you and baby.

if he is putting 150 k as deposit you dont need to put any in do you? just get a mortgage on the rest. set out in deeds who owns what.

keep your 15 k savings "just in case" as once they tied up in property it can take a long time to access them if you need to.

SexyDomesticatedDab · 01/11/2011 11:37

As collaborate put it. Both put in 'assets' but recognise the difference then a joint mortgage of the remaining amount.

Then current money should be pooled and spent as a family - never understood the concept of owning own money - we've been quite happy with that for the last 20+ years.

WibblyBibble · 01/11/2011 12:05

Men (and people in general) need to start acknowledging that child gestation and early care are just as much of a contribution as wage-earning, and arrange finances accordingly. Otherwise their children will be quite justified in cutting off all contact with them when older, and their child-rearing partners justified in leaving them and claiming full child support. We're quite happy as a country (apparently) to pay vast sums to people who take care of children they aren't biologically related to, so why should YOU be penalised merely because you're doing the extra work of actually biologically producing a child? Fucking mental. Ask him how much he'd pay a nanny/nursery (so he could continue working if you went off and left him with a baby fulltime)? Or tell him you'll leave and go to the CSA? How happy would he be with those options?

cestlavielife · 01/11/2011 12:38

if you not going to get married then is essential yes that you each keep your own money apart - and pool joint finances for running household, bills, child etc.

if op puts all her savings into the new house she has nothing left for a just in case fund.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page