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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWY Do or Say - New Baby Solves all problems?

36 replies

ScarletRed · 30/10/2011 19:53

My brother for the past 3 years has pretty much cut me out of his life to keep his wife happy. They have just had a baby (last Wednesday) and we have been told that we are allowed to see the baby in 4 weeks.
Neither my husband or I can be bothered now - we have 3 children and our youngest is 3 and they have had no contact with them in 3 years.
On the other hand my parents (who live near us) are old and they don't drive so it would involve my husband and I taking 2 cars to visit them a 2 hour journey there.
I am now made to feel bad that my parents won't be able to see their first male grandchild who carries the surname as I can't be bothered!! Everyone says that I should stand by my brother and a new baby changes everything.
I personally have no respect for my brother and feel that my brother is weak and inspid, and should grow a pair of balls and stand up to his wife.
Not sure if I am looking for advise or just wanted to get that off my chest!
Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
LunaticFringe · 30/10/2011 19:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

onepieceofcremeegg · 30/10/2011 20:04

If you really feel you should take your parents, then you take them, but just you and your parents. Maybe leave your dh and dcs at home and see how the land lies? That way one car only.

Possibly his wife has mental health problems or some sort of social phobia. My brother's ex-dp was like this. Avoided all family gatherings and made the most (seemingly) lucidrous excuses constantly.

Original poster
ScarletRed · 30/10/2011 20:13

LunaticFringe and onepiece - thank you for the input.

Yes she does have mental problems she was off on stress leave for 3 weeks before their wedding as she couldn't cope, she left another job on stress leave as she couldn't cope with her boss (personality clash she said) and she left her last job when she was 4 months pregnant as she couldn't cope with being pergnant and working.

I really don't want to subject my family to them after 3 years of no contact. And do feel that my brother should be the one showing my parents his child and not waiting 4 weeks to have them over.

OP posts:
Uglymush · 30/10/2011 20:21

I would leave it to your brother to sort out how he is going to get your parents to see their GS. He has made it clear he doesn't want you as part of his family, so why jump now when he needs you? Sorry if that sounds harsh

LemonDifficult · 30/10/2011 20:24

Drive your parents, but don't bother taking DH or DCs. Do it for your parents not for your brother.

How does he get along with your parents?

onepieceofcremeegg · 30/10/2011 20:29

No right answer here then. It is possibly more difficult for her to interact with people due to her issues.

Perhaps your brother is kind of "reaching out". In my situation (a bit different) we just accepted that ex sil didn't always treat us very well, but she was my db's dp so tolerated it. And we were there for him when it ended.

I'm not suggesting your brother's relationship is on the rocks btw, just that it might be a bit lonely and difficult for him and perhaps the kind, decent thing would be to go (even once) and suss out how things are, plus meet the new baby. :)

Original poster
ScarletRed · 30/10/2011 20:30

My brother used to be very close to my parents but it got very strained and now he visits every couple months, normally on his own. My parents have only visited his house 3 times the first 2 times we took them (when we had less children) and the last time my brother came and got them.

If I do take my parents I know I could not bare to look at his wife or be civil to her.

OP posts:
onepieceofcremeegg · 30/10/2011 20:31

I may be completely on the wrong track here (and forgive me and ignore me if I am ) but it may be that she is very controlling and difficult, in an emotionally abusive way. If this is a possiblity; consider how you would feel if this was your sister with a controlling man, rather than your brother with a controlling wife?

I think in that position, most people would advise you to be there for your sister to support her when she feels able to reach out.

LemonDifficult · 30/10/2011 20:32

Then don't go. No-one needs a scene.

Book them a taxi. If it's that important they can spend a bit on getting there. I don't suppose a first time father with a new born can reasonably be expected to pick them up and drop them back.

heleninazombiecart · 30/10/2011 20:33

They are also your brother's parents. They are GP to his DS so although you feel obligated, he needs to sort this out.

Do your parents know he has cut you off? It it is going to make things difficult with your parents too then the alternative is just to take your parents over, and see how the land lies. To avoid future requests/tensions though, you will have the have the conversation with your brother.. now he has his own DC he may even get why he has been wrong to cut you out.

orienteerer · 30/10/2011 20:35

You should take your parents out of a sense of duty, no need to take DH & DC.

onepieceofcremeegg · 30/10/2011 20:36

Could you drop your parents off and you go to a cafe? Then get feedback from your parents (or would this upset/stress your parents). If asked (assuming your db knows they don't drive; they could just say calmly that you weren't sure if you were welcome as they (b and sil) seem to have lost touch with you for several years.

Original poster
ScarletRed · 30/10/2011 20:38

onepieceofcremeegg - okay I think you have just voiced something I have always suspected. My brother once said (3 years ago so things may have changed) that when they argue and she gets violent. I asked him what he meant and he wouldn't say. I am probably reading too much into it. MAybe she has calmed down after having a baby.

OP posts:
LemonDifficult · 30/10/2011 20:40

I think the kindest thing you could do for both your parents and your brother is not to take this change in circumstances to dredge up sore feeling. Neither he nor SiL will have slept much and it won't go well.

Do the calmest thing you can think of doing - I'd say avoid taking your DCs for sure - and then consider if you want a relationship with your new nephew/your DC want to know their cousin - and deal with that at a later stage.

Original poster
ScarletRed · 30/10/2011 20:44

heleninazombiecar - yes my parents know and they put up with it.

onepieceofcremeegg - this is what I am thinking drop them off and go to a cafe.

Also as much as I would love to see the baby - I am very hurt about the way they have treated my children for the past 3 years.

OP posts:
onepieceofcremeegg · 30/10/2011 20:50

Or maybe she hasn't calmed down after having a baby op?

If she struggled with stress causing her to leave at least two jobs; and need to be signed off in the run up to the wedding, I truly don't think a new baby is likely to bring her relief from her stress and mental health issues.

If there is already a history of domestic violence from her to him, lack of sleep will surely increase this risk?

As many of us know, having a baby is a very stressful event, even if you are in a stable relationship and otherwise settled.

Is there any way you could speak further to your brother?

Don't feel you need to answer any of these questions btw, I am just trying to be supportive not try and make you answer sensitive questions on the internet.

Original poster
ScarletRed · 30/10/2011 20:57

onepieceofcremeegg - I don't know the answer to most of these questions as my brother and I don't talk anymore. I can email him (he has a secret email address she doesn't know about). But what do I say anyway?

My husband and I do feel that the next thing that we will hear about is that she is now suffering from post-natal depression.

OP posts:
LemonDifficult · 30/10/2011 20:58

Have you sent him a Congratulations card? You wouldn't need to make it very heartfelt. It might just keep you in touch enough, IYSWIM.

onepieceofcremeegg · 30/10/2011 21:00

Hope you work something out op - it's a difficult situation.

I'd probably e-mail (but in a few weeks/months) not just after baby has been born, and say something like you are sad that you and he have drifted apart. Kind of open the door for him to say something more. But that is what my relationship is like with my own brother and it may well be completely different with you and yours.

Original poster
ScarletRed · 30/10/2011 21:01

I have bought a card and a present, but have been unable to figure out what to write in the card.

OP posts:
Xmasbaby11 · 30/10/2011 21:10

Take your parents on your own as a favour to them, but don't make it a regular thing.

Just head to a cafe if you don't want to see them. Although I would be inclined to see how the land lies. You might not need to say too much if your parents are also there.

Write something blah in the card, like 'Congrats on your happy news!'

Is SIL seeking help for her depression?

LoonyRationalist · 30/10/2011 21:11

Others have given you great advice.

I would take your parents leaving dh & dc at home. Make clear in advance that this is a one off due to the newness of the baby, in future your brother needs to organise the logistics of seeing his parents.

Don't go to a café (unless you are refused entry) be the bigger person and grin and bear the visit politely. I think anything else would look like a snub. If they ask why your dc aren't there the car issue us a ready made reason.

Regarding the card, I'd just put congratulations on the birth of x love scarlet, dh & dc.

LemonDifficult · 30/10/2011 21:13

Do you want to meet the new baby?

Original poster
ScarletRed · 31/10/2011 06:04

Yes I want to see the baby.

No I don't want to see her.

OP posts:
tangledweb · 31/10/2011 06:18

Go. Take your parents and not your family. Cuddle the baby, ask your brother how he is, have a cup of tea and then leave. He may appreciate the effort, he may not but at least you know you have done the right thing.

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