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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

WWY Do or Say - New Baby Solves all problems?

36 replies

ScarletRed · 30/10/2011 19:53

My brother for the past 3 years has pretty much cut me out of his life to keep his wife happy. They have just had a baby (last Wednesday) and we have been told that we are allowed to see the baby in 4 weeks.
Neither my husband or I can be bothered now - we have 3 children and our youngest is 3 and they have had no contact with them in 3 years.
On the other hand my parents (who live near us) are old and they don't drive so it would involve my husband and I taking 2 cars to visit them a 2 hour journey there.
I am now made to feel bad that my parents won't be able to see their first male grandchild who carries the surname as I can't be bothered!! Everyone says that I should stand by my brother and a new baby changes everything.
I personally have no respect for my brother and feel that my brother is weak and inspid, and should grow a pair of balls and stand up to his wife.
Not sure if I am looking for advise or just wanted to get that off my chest!
Thanks for listening.

OP posts:
hayleysd · 31/10/2011 06:23

Why do you have to wait 4 weeks? Are her family waiting 4 weeks? Fair enough distant family but you're have thought they'd let gp's see the baby sooner even for a quick peek?

Original poster
ScarletRed · 31/10/2011 06:24

I know that is the right thing to do.

I just don't know how to handle her after all the stuff she has done.

OP posts:
tangledweb · 31/10/2011 06:27

She can't see inside your head. Send her hateful barbs while smiling sweetly. There will be three other adults in the room.

Original poster
ScarletRed · 31/10/2011 06:34

You are right tangled web.

In answer to your question hayley - We have to wait 4 weeks as she is not up to visitors. No her family has seen the baby, her mother has moved in for 2 weeks to help her (she lives 5 minutes away).

OP posts:
RickGhastley · 31/10/2011 06:45

I don't understand why your brother cannot either go and collect his parents and take them to his home OR drive over to theirs with the baby?

Or am I being dim [likely] Smile

Original poster
ScarletRed · 31/10/2011 06:48

Rick you are not being dim, yes he could do it as he is on paternity leave. No he won't do it as she doesn't want him to do it.

OP posts:
hayleysd · 31/10/2011 07:50

Think I would go and go in just to see how it goes, I didn't speak to my brother much (not because of sil though) and they never bothered with my 2 but since my niece was born things are much better.

4 weeks is a long time to stop the other gp's seeing him, I was out shopping the same day so maybe I was just too quick!

diddl · 31/10/2011 07:58

Well the brother probably can´t due to feeding/too long far baby in a carseat(?)

OP I think take your parents once & then it´s up to them & your brother to sort out future visits.

And perhaps if an olive branch is offered accept it for the sake of a relationship with your new niece/nephew?

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow · 31/10/2011 08:13

I feel for your brother: it definitely sounds like he is in an abusive relationship (says wife gets "violent" when they argue, cuts off his sister to please her, won't drive to pick up his parents on her say-so, has an e-mail address he keeps secret from her Shock..)

IMO, being there for him and helping him if you can to shed his denial about his wife's treatment of him trumps the feelings of hurt you have regarding how he cut you from his life. But that is of course your call to make.

I'm not an expert in help for battered men, and the people who love them, but it is out there, as a quick Google search shows.

It may not be possible to open his eyes, mind. My DF has been abused by my mother for 40 years, and is so deep in denial and dependent on her that I don't think anything will get through to him to help him help himself. But it is heartbreaking to watch how her put-downs, contempt and control have just broken him.

The relationship model that their marriage is going to give their new baby will be damaging to the child, too. These issues will get passed on to the next generation. If your brother's eyes can be opened, then he can save himself AND his child from the soul-sucking effects of abuse in the home.

Original poster
ScarletRed · 31/10/2011 08:42

I think I will go see the baby, take my parents. My DH and DC can stay home - my husband does not want to go anyway.

The visiting day they gave us is 4 weeks away so I have time to try and clear my mind.

OP posts:
heleninazombiecart · 31/10/2011 09:40

His DW is certainly controlling and also seems to be abusive. You love your brother and the issue is that you see him as weak. If she is being abusive though, he has probably just normalised all this which would account for his aparently lack of spine.

Your parents want to see the baby. You want to see the baby. There is no need for the rest of your family to go and it would be more difficult for you to manage if your children are also there because of the way DB and SIL have treated them.

If you take your parents, this would actually give you a chance to observe how she treats your brother see how your brother is, as well as have a brief chat with him about how hurt you feel. You can then decide what you do about your relationship with your brother in the future.

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