Moving out - how/when do I tell him?

[dizzykizzy]

I told H three weeks ago that I wanted us to separate. He has stuck his head in the sand, ignored me completely and tried to carry on as normal. My previous posts explain:

Previous Post

I've seen a solicitor and have an appointment with the CAB next week. I have worked out that I can afford to move out with the DCs and rent for 6 months. H and I have already discussed selling the house anyway because of our financial situation but he could afford to stay in it for about a year. My thinking is that by moving out it will show him that I really am serious and will get him to family mediation and if not, then I will have to petition for divorce to get the money out of the house.

My problem is now that I don't know how or when to tell him. The solicitor seemed to suggest moving out when he wasn't here but I feel like I need to explain myself and that it wouldn't be right for him to come home and find me and the children gone. Also my DCs are older and would therefore need a decent explanation.

He is not a reasonable man; when I started sleeping in the spare room he became unbearable so I moved back into our bed. I can't cope with the emotional conflict and arguments in our relationship anymore which is the main reason I want to split up and having to cope with him in the house knowing that we are shortly moving out feels, at the moment, too much to cope with. DD has anxiety disorder and feels very responsible for everyone's happiness so staying whilst he knows we are going will be very difficult for her.

How can I do this for the best?

Do you think he will pull a "you're not taking my kids from me" stunt?

He has already said in previous discussions that he would fight me for the children but the solicitor was confident that the DCs would be entitled to live with me. The eldest would be able to choose when and how much time she spent but I would like them both to stay with me for the majority of time (will tell him 5 days with me, 2 days with him to start with).

In that case I wouldn't tell him because it is all going to kick off.

How old are your dcs? I would be tempted to collect them from school and say this is what has happened, I'm sorry I didn't tell you sooner but Dad is going to be very angry with me about it but he won't move out and he won't discuss it so I didn't feel I have a choice

Dizzy, have read your previous threads. You have told him you want to separate. He is not listening. Might be better to move out when he is not there to avoid a scene with the kids...you can leave a note, presumably he can contact you by mobile. IMO you don't need to pacify him, he had chance to behave better, and didn't. If he wasn't like this you wouldn't be leaving him honey....

I wouldn't let him walk into an empty house - that would be awful. But I would phone him (he has the right to that) before he comes home to say that you've moved out.

If you feel he'll respond very badly to a phone call, write a detailed email that he can read at work.

I think if the solicitor suggested moving out when he wasn't home then it must be a bad situation? I haven't seen your previous threads but if this guy is emotionally manipulative and controlling then unfortunately your & DC's safety leaving is more important than making sure you tell him in person.

It is very very hard living with someone like this and knowing you're going to move out shortly, but please believe me, he would make it 10 times worse and 100 times more complicated if you did tell him. It also gives him another chance to change your mind, which it looks like he doesn't deserve, and now this is in motion, you need to stick to it.

I would not tell DCs until the last minute because I think the burden would be too big for them. I think Random's suggestion is probably the best, and then give them the option if possible to either stay and pack their own stuff up etc or go and stay with a family member for a week or so to let the dust settle.

You could leave your ex a note explaining, or send him an email. I probably wouldn't do it by phone and I probably would recommend not accepting any phone calls from him for 48 hours to give him a chance to calm down from the initial shock. I think it would also be worth having a rule from the start that he isn't allowed in your new house. I have never let XP into this house and it feels really safe because of that. I also probably wouldn't tell him the address for a few days, although DC might do obviously.

I know this sounds really extreme, but you are going to be extremely emotionally vulnerable and fragile at the time and you really need to almost put up more armour than you need against this. Do you have any adult friends or family who are supportive of you?

It's worth trying to work out the wording of how to explain best to the DC in advance as well, especially if DD is likely to pile all the responsibility onto herself.

Don't tell him. Go when he isn't there. leave a note. keep your phone off for a day or two.

That's what I had to do.

No choice in the matter... my ex would have made it impossible for me to physically leave if he had been there.

If you think it will kick off at all you must not have him there. It would be too upsetting for all of you especilly the kids.

Thank you for advice.

BertieBotts I am struggling with the emotional vulnerability. He has changed my mind so many times in the past or I have just given into him for an easy life. I have to remind myself that I really did tell him three weeks ago that I wanted to separate and six months ago, I really did ask him to leave. I think if I try and reason with him now, he will just get angry again and I'm not sure I can cope with it.

Stay strong. Keep reminding yourself of what he's like and what he's done and why you have to do this. You also need to limit his opportunities to manipulate and belittle you.

I'm with Imperial. Move out and then call him to say you've gone. No discussion beforehand and no conversation during the phone call. And limit his opportunities after you have gone: set time limits for moving on to the next step and push everything through your solicitor (i.e. 'we propose mediation. if we don't hear from you in 21 days we will move on to divorce proceedings' etc). Don't rush anything.

I am living through the very tail end of a very similar situation and am having to grit my teeth and plough ahead. All my advice to you is really advice to me!

Hang on in there.

Keep reminding yourself of that. Remember, it's no use being reasonable with someone who is inherently unreasonable, they will take that reasonableness and see it as a chink in your armour they can wriggle through. You have to be tough and you will probably feel in yourself that you are being unfair or not giving them a chance, an explanation, etc. The truth is that he's had plenty of chances, and I'm guessing although he's promised all sorts of things, he's probably not once lived up to that for any longer than the minimum amount of time it took to get you hooked again thinking there was a chance.

If you think he will get angry, it's actually worth phoning up the police non-emergency number or your local DV unit and speaking to them - give them your current address and your new address and they will red flag them so if you call because he is kicking off you will get a faster response. This will probably feel like overkill too, and hopefully you won't have to use it, but they won't mind at all you doing this. It doesn't matter if he's never been violent, either. They might even be able to point you towards some other sources of support.

Do your children want to move?
And who would they want to live with?

Both DCs are aware that we have financial problems but I have not told them that I think our relationship is over and that I am thinking of moving out.

DD is more aware of our relationship problems and being older she could choose where she wanted to live. I think ultimately she would choose to live with me as long as she saw that it was a fair arrangement. I don't think she could live with her Dad full time because of the way he behaves towards her. Actually, I think it might be difficult to get her to want to spend time with him.

DS is closer to his Dad but very close to me and I believe would suffer by having long periods of time away from me. He doesn't like me going out in the evening and not being there at bedtime. I know he would have some choice as well but in the short term, and because of the way that H is likely to behave, I think it would be best for them to come with me.

My children were 10 and 7 when I told my husband to leave.

I told the children they had no choice - they were going to live with me. I knew they both wanted that, but that my daughter (10) would feel really guilty for NOT wanting to live with her dad and would therefore choose him instead. It was a given that my son would choose me. She gave a huge sigh of relief when I told her it was non-negotiable. I also told them them could see him whenever they wanted - night or day I'd take them there.