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H won't agree to separate - what do I do now?

(17 Posts)
dizzykizzy Mon 10-Oct-11 11:13:58

I talked to H over the weekend. He refuses to separate. This has been going for too long and I know I cannot live with him any more. Apart from telling me that I need to show him more affection, he's saying that the way I feel is all down to me not being able to just be happy and get on with life. My previous post explains more here

I'm just not sure what to do next.

Should I go straight to a solicitor or try and present him with some "separation terms" on my own first? He is unlikely to want to discuss it with me at all. He will get angry rather than emotional. I don't feel in danger but I could really do without being shouted down any more. I have to move this on quickly now for the sake of the DCs. They are not fully aware of the situation but I want to be as honest as I can with them, as soon as I can.

Any advice would be really appreciated??

ItsMeAndMyPumpkinNow Mon 10-Oct-11 11:37:51

On the legal points, speak to a solicitor.

On the fact that "he won't agree" and "won't discuss": that's entirely his prerogative. You, however, do not need his blessing to go forward with this plan. He's just not going to make it easy for you -- in his view, why should he? You may have to consider being the one to move out, but speak to a solicitor about that first to see what your rights are.

dizzykizzy Mon 10-Oct-11 11:43:51

I would move out today but I can't leave the DCs with him and I was under the impression that I don't have the right to take them out of the family home??

blackeyedsusan Mon 10-Oct-11 11:44:28

oh my goodness, how have yoiu managed to stay together so long.

you need to see your solicitor if he is not going to cooperate. perhaps go to the cab first to think over what you need to ask the solicitor.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Mon 10-Oct-11 11:44:39

You don't need his agreement to separate, you can just go and see a solicitor and file for divorce and get the ball rolling.

You might want to advise your h that both people have to want to be in a relationship, not just one of them.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow Mon 10-Oct-11 11:45:36

Well, if you move out today then that house isn't the family home is it? Your new home that you move into is the family home.

Spero Mon 10-Oct-11 11:47:29

Agree with pumpkin.

He doesn't want to talk about it, you can't make him. You will just have to crack on with it.

Yes, it will be much more stressful and difficult if he won't engage at all, but frankly, what are your options now?

Have a good hard think about what assets you have now, and what you will need and go and see a solicitor to get advice about what is achievable.

Say to him that you do want to talk, the door is always open etc etc but if he is determined to act like this, so be it.

HecateGoddessOfTheNight Mon 10-Oct-11 11:48:43

You don't need his agreement to separate. You have the right to not be in a relationship with him any more.

He does not need to give his permission for this!

Spero Mon 10-Oct-11 11:49:42

Your children are old enough to express views about where they go and who they live with. You are not suggesting a ban on any relationship with their father so it is perfectly ok for you to moveout and for them to come with you. They can still see him, stay overnight, etc.

dizzykizzy Mon 10-Oct-11 12:10:39

Ok - solicitor it is. I'm really not sure about moving out and taking the DCs with me? Because he isn't engaging in this at all, I don't know what he might say and do if I walk out with them. And how do I tell them why we are moving out? H is not going to help me tell them or reduce the impact of this on them. He says that it is all my responsibility and that if I decide to split up then it will devastate their lives.

My DD suffers with anxiety and my DS is now being bullied at school.

How do I cope with taking this all on by myself??

Spero Mon 10-Oct-11 18:45:43

Don't expect to carry this all by yourself. Do you have any friends who can help with either practical or emotional help?

If no friends, then get a good solicitor and some counselling, if only to have someone to talk to.

It is horrible and scary, but you will get through it and from all that you have said about your relationship, it is the right thing to do, for all of you.

colditz Mon 10-Oct-11 19:12:35

Why don't you see if they'd rather stay with him? It would make it much easier for you to move out.

Bogeyface Mon 10-Oct-11 19:35:25

It could be that your childrens issues are as a result of the situation at home, moving them away from that may improve their lives rather than devastate them.

He wants you to believe that the only thing that keeps them happy is him, he is very self centred from what I read on your other post, and cant consider the possibility that you or they could happy away from him. Thats why he wont engage, he doesnt want to face the fact that you would all be a damn sight happier without him!

babyhammock Mon 10-Oct-11 19:38:14

I read your other post.
He's a total arse. Don't leave without DC's whatever you do, he is incapable of caring for them properly.
Yes of course you can take them with you
You need to start planning xx

LieInsAreRarerThanTigers Mon 10-Oct-11 22:07:37

I feel for you dizzy, and I have just managed to push out a passive-aggressive, controlling alcoholic dh after many years of waiting and hoping for change. Financially things are very shaky but emotionally I am in a much better place, and I think the dc are too. Be strong and do what you know is right.
I cut him off on a phonecall the other day as he was upsetting me and he left a message to say he thought the phone had cut out - didn't want me to think he had cut me off...he couldn't even think that maybe I had cut HIM off! (I thought of it as an analogy for it all being about HIM and how could I possibly operate without him!)

pictish Mon 10-Oct-11 22:13:03

I remember your initial thread OP.

He doesn't have to agree to it, for you to just get on and do it. You CAN take the kids, and you CAN live the rest of your life without this lazy, selfish, irresponsible idiot making you miserable.

he can refuse to discuss it all he bloody likes - won't do him any good.

Go go go!!!

solidgoldbrass Mon 10-Oct-11 22:18:43

If you want to separate, then he doesn't get a choice in the matter, the relationship is over. Get your legal advice, sort out whether you want to leave the house with the DC or get him removed from it, and then tell him what's going to happen.

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