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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What is wrong with these women and how can I help my friend?

34 replies

atosilis · 29/10/2011 18:19

Keeping this very short.

BF is currently undergoing therapy for cancer and has a 3 year old daughter with her DH. Her DH has a daughter (17) with an ExP. ExP left DH when SD was 2. He was devastated and did everything to keep in contact with his daughter. They were never married. She took a brand new BMW when she left.

BF's MIL is the living descendant of Machiavelli. MIL and ExP have become best mates since BF met DH.

DH's business has gone down the drain and maintenance is paid by BF.

ExP is now demanding more money. BF rang me in tears on Fri asking for some money for them to last the weekend.
She didn't have enough money to pay to get to the hospital for the therapy.
Oh, BF's mum also has cancer (another kind), BF is breaking down.

BF and DH met when SD was 9.

I can't bear seeing her so ill and so upset. What sort of women hound another woman, literally, to death?

Constructive and positive advice please, how can I physically help her?

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 29/10/2011 20:27

If the dh's business has gone down the drain, he has no money to pay maintenance surely? Your bf is not liable for it. I don't know if he has benefits or not, if he does, some will be deducted from that, but the money is nothing to do with your bf. It's his daughter, not hers.

As for demanding more money, if maintenance was court ordered, she will have to apply to vary the amount. If it's CSA, she will have to go throuh them. If it's a private agreement, tough luck really. He can't pay what he doesn't have. Your friend must not go short to keep paying this, it has to be a portion of what the dh earns.

Hope her treatment goes well.

FabbyChic · 29/10/2011 20:27

Tell your bf to tell her husband to go through the CSA, dont pay a penny.

Do it all through the CSA.

FabbyChic · 29/10/2011 20:29

Some women are sick fuckers and this exp is seriously sick.

Original poster
atosilis · 29/10/2011 21:13

It is through the CSA, they actually reduced the money when she went to them asking for more. She went mental and found from MIL that BF inherited some money from her father. BF has to pay from this - it's not much but it's the principle. ExP doesn't think this is enough and is coming back for more.

OP posts:
cerealqueen · 29/10/2011 21:19

Appalled on behalf of your friend. Shouldn't the DH deal with his manipulative ex and wicked gossiping mother and be protecting his DW? Why is she doing it all????

pollyblue · 29/10/2011 21:26

Why is your friend handing money over to the ExP when the CSA decided her payments should be reduced? She should stop paying the ExP anything at all. It's bloody mad.

Her DH should be dealing with this and - given the circs - it's appalling that he is not. What's his excuse?

I think all you can do is suggest your friend (and DH) seeks legal advice asap and has no further contact with the EXP, let her DH sort it out.

I'm really sorry for your friend, the ExP sounds like a nasty piece of work.

Original poster
atosilis · 29/10/2011 21:27

I think ExP has parental-alienation, she won't let DH see SD and has actually phoned DH to say that his calls are harassment.

"Simple and innocent statements made by the father are reinterpreted or exaggerated in a most negative way. Hence the parent who practices alienation against the absent or non-custodial parent is guilty of a serious ethical and psychological offence which will ultimately be harmful to the child."

OP posts:
Original poster
atosilis · 29/10/2011 21:28

He's scared of them.

OP posts:
Original poster
atosilis · 29/10/2011 21:30

CSA have said it's to come from this as it's unearned income.

OP posts:
pollyblue · 29/10/2011 21:37

That's bad enough, but I'm assuming the amount the CSA say has to be paid to ExP from your friends inheritance is the new, reduced amount they set? So your friend should not be handing over any money on top of that, regardless. If ExP is not happy, she shoud go back to CSA.

They really need legal advice don't they?

He's scared of them?! Bloody hell. Shock. Words fail me. His ExP, his mother. He must take responsibility for sorting this out surely?

Original poster
atosilis · 29/10/2011 21:37

DS has an iphone, laptop, designer clothes and is doing driving lessons - god knows where that money is coming from. When asked what she wanted for her birthday in July -"A tiffany bracelet"

OP posts:
Original poster
atosilis · 29/10/2011 21:43

Yes, that's the new reduced amount. She is going back to CSA with 'new information'.

They both know she has cancer and have picked their time to attack.

OP posts:
pollyblue · 29/10/2011 21:46

What a vile woman. Vile women.

Well, what goes around, and all that....I hope exP one day gets her just deserts.

In the meantime, you sound a good friend and I'm sure your BF is glad of your support. I hope her treatment goes well.

Original poster
atosilis · 29/10/2011 21:47

Thanks, me too.

OP posts:
moonshineandspellbooks · 29/10/2011 21:57

The DD is 17. It won't be long before maintenance is no longer payable. This may explain the sudden pressure but also means the end is in sight.

While it's admirable that your BF wants to cover her DH's maintenance payments, it's lunacy if that's leaving her without enough money to pay for her life-saving cancer treatment and it has to stop. If her DH can't make the payments, what's the worse that's going to happen? If you think parental alienation already applies, what difference would this make at this stage?

I have to say that I'm not seeing the DH is a good light. He doesn't earn and expects his wife to pay for his DDs maintenance? How long has that been going on? I am the first to say that there are no excuses for a non-resident parent refusing to pay maintenance but what sort of man lets his cancer-suffering wife go so short of money that she can't afford to get to her treatment? Why has your BF had to phone you to ask for money? Why isn't he asking for money since it's his maintenance payments that are the problem. What responsibility is he taking for any of this (or anything else for that matter)?

I appreciate he's in a tricky situation, but given the fact that he has (or rather your BF has) been paying well over the odds already, he needs to grow a backbone, or he ultimately may end up with another XP on the cards, or even worse, his 3-year-old DD may end up without a mother.

While the MIL and XP sound awful, the person at the centre of this, who should be sorting things out, is your BF's DH I'm afraid.

FabbyChic · 29/10/2011 22:08

What a nasty piece of work, make sure they only ever pay what CSA states, never tell the ex any private business, never tell anybody anything that can be passed on and used to emotionally blackmail you with.

FabbyChic · 29/10/2011 22:09

Make sure your friend applies for DLA and her partner carers allowance whilst she is going through cancer treatment etc.,

Original poster
atosilis · 29/10/2011 22:22

I agree about DH totally. You'd think that conversations with your mother would not get passed to the ex but that is what MIL has done. MIL is alone, ExP is alone and I always imagine that the last words they say to each other after meeting are "when shall we two meet again, in thunder, lightening or in rain?"

Thanks, I'll let her know about DLA and what she can get to help.

OP posts:
perfumedlife · 29/10/2011 22:27

IS the ds still in school op?

perfumedlife · 29/10/2011 22:28

Or is it dd, sorry? Blush

Original poster
atosilis · 29/10/2011 22:33

Yes she is

OP posts:
Original poster
atosilis · 29/10/2011 22:34

stepdaughter, that is

OP posts:
bejeezus · 29/10/2011 22:38

can your bf gift her inheritance money to you, for example? so that the ex cant make a claim for it?

the children in your bf house have to take priority over children outside the home as i understand it. so if after paying maintenance there isnt enough left for the month the maintenance should be reduced??

perfumedlife · 29/10/2011 22:39

Oh well, was just checking. I think the maintenance ends when she leaves full time education so maybe not long to go. What I don't understand though is, prior to the ex finding out about this inheritance your friend has, why was your friend paying her dh's maintenance for him? If he has no income, she doesn't become liable for it.

bibbitybobbitybloodyaxe · 29/10/2011 22:45

moonshineandspellbooks is on the money.

Your friend needs to be get away from her dh's ex-mil.

It is a crazy situation.