Breaking up today

[Saturdaysgirl]

Hi mumsnet I need your help and support. :( I am breaking up with my long distance boyfriend and feel terrible about hurting him. But I have good reasons and am going to stick to them.

Bit of background - I am 37, he is 41. I live in the UK, he lives in California. We both had shit childhoods. I sorted myself out and bought a flat, he was running hos own business. In the crash in the states, he lost it all and is now in debt and struggling to find work.

We met on myspace, both being musicians. We were friends and then one thing led to another. I had been alone a while and really liked him and decided to fly out to California to go on my first date in a good while! Cue a very exciting time. But very stressful - where could it possibly go etc. All this time we would talk every day, email, have massive long skype sessions. But he lost his job very early on - major problem in our rel as he has NEVER consistently worked since then!!! Having committed to him, I then began financially supporting him.

Of course none of my friends like that at all and neither did I. He had kidney stones and no medical insurance and would be in terrible pain. Eventually he had been out of work so long, he qwualified for medical care and this year has had about 4 operations to sort out the stones, during which time I have carried on supporting him. I have had not a spare penny all year. i work full time in a stressful job and take on extra shfts somewhere else at the weekend to make ends meet.

I have been like,. oh don't worry, something will come along, we're a couple now and so on.

I have always believed in him. he wasn't one to brag you see, and over time things would come out about his business, his professional history and I was always very impressed. he comes across so well. I was SURE he would make good. He may well still make good.

But it has been ywo years!! he wont go and get a job in the department store down the road! he won't catch a bus into the downtown area where he lves to get a better job, he is working 4 hours a day at home doing telesales and its shite! meanwhile we go engaged in march - the happiest day of my life - but we arr going nowhere. I could lose this flat if a tenant stopped paying the rent. being a batter child, I have no family.

If I move out there, we would need my salary to live on while his pays off his debts. And I am 37 and have no baby and being always very unsure anyway about that, i then said I would definitely not have one so we could live on my salary and he pay off his debts, but now I find that too hard a choice to make.

he is dismissive of me these days, doesn't want to talk, doesn't want to be dynamic about getting a shit job, doesnt want to talk about the legalities of visas, he drives to the shop when he's drunk which i HATE, he can be sexist and racist and say I take it too literally.

Anyway so I've finally had enough and have been telling him its over, but he is still being kind and caring and thinking I will change my mind. I on he other hand have been thinking about going out and meeting a new man! I do not get hugged or kissed at all! I live for one little phonecall and I can tell he wants to get off the phone. Winter is drawing in, I am lonely. Anyway I have to talk to him and I am dreading it. I have built this fantasy of what it could be like - we could do this and this - and now I have to take it away from him.

Oh, dear. To put it baldly, he's been taking you for a mug - but I think you know that.

I don't know that he'll be too bothered about you taking away the fantasy you've been building, TBH. Isn't it really your fantasy rather than his? What he will be bothered about is you taking away the money.

And yes, he does want to get off the phone - he's only on it doing the absolute minimum to keep the relationship with your money going, because that's what it is. That's why he's being "kind and caring".

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. How about you phone him, tell him you've rumbled him and that from now on you're going to spend your money on yourself and find a good man who will love you and respect you and be there for you physically and emotionally?

You are right to do this, you know it; stay strong and look to the future which has to be brighter than what you are living..

Well done with your decision. I know it is hard but yes, break up with him. Definitely. You deserve so much more. Have you told a friend that you are doing this? I think you need a a friend waiting, with a bottle of wine and a box of chocoloates, for a cuddle and a cry after you have done it. If you haven't got anyone who can do this, come back on MN once it is done and we'll be here for a chat about how it went. Good luck. From your post above, I REALLy think you are doing the right thing. and don't over worry about him, it is about time he learnt how to look after himself. He is not a lttle boy anymore.

Hmm PattyPenguin I find it hard to think that way completely, altho I have thought those sorts of things for a while. But seriously, no car, kidney stones so couldn't get out to work....what could he have done until he had the operations? And the longer they left it, the more the stones grew, and then the operations would only be partly successful because ths surgeon said the body could only cope with so many sound waves 9the way they break them up over there.)

But yes I did think he liked me making it so easy for him. hence I stopped paying in about August and he is now OK after the operations and thankfully this one shitty job is paying off.

But tell me more about the fantasy, is it mine? If thats the case I will be OK. I guess if he wanted what I want, he would be trying as hard as I have been to make it come about.,

Janajos thanks for that, yes the situation has been particularly dark.... :(

Multiclour cat,. thanks for that. Yes I have some support but to be honest all my friends are a bit hmm about this man and I feel silly. I feel I have been a mug to even try and have this long a distance thing with a man out of work who has never flown over here where I have been there 4 times and so on. I feel ashamed that I am 37 and cannot choose a good sort of man.

Very upset, thought I had found a man and he asked me to marry him. he said 'I always knew you were the one, from very early on. Dont know why it has taken me this long. First I am going to marry you, then I am going to give you a baby.''

A family, my dream, and he was such a good man. Or so I thought. And here I am giving up on him.

yes! But you are giving up on him, because it is not real :( and it is unfair on yourself to be hoping and wishing that what he is saying is true. There is so much disappointment. Time to give up on it, yes, but in a very positive light...you are looking after yourself by giving up on him. Take care and don't feel silly. Call a friend and have them waiting. If they do think badly of him and you are doing this, and not going to back out, they will be more than ahppy to be there for you. Keep strong hey.

You're not giving up on him - he has given up on himself by relyng so heavily on you! you are choosing to put yourself first. This is the first step in rebuilding your life - it will get better!

Sorry I just need to keep writing. I went to a&e last week for tests cos I was getting chest pains!!!! Yes he was very concerned, but he had a hangover from drinking all weekend, so once he knew I was OK he didn't want to know any more than that!! I was hurt.

I can hear in his voice that he doesn't want to speak to me at night before he starts work. We get a little window of time. I think its because I want to see progress all the time. I am making progress towards our goal, why isn't he? I look up the fiancee visa, I think about how to do up my flat in order to rent it safely and so on. I do this and that. He opened this week with the comment 'Well its going to be another quiet week, but thats OK.' Its not OK! We are wasting our lives waiting!!!

Anyway I saw my arse on Thursday this week, told him yesterday, but have to speak to him today and am dreading it. I have been writing to him to look in his heart and admit that he feels the same way, because I can hear it in his voice and he has so much more fun with his American friends than he does with me. I argue with him when he tells Ricky Gervais type sexist and racist jokes.

I read mumsnet about other husband and boyfriends and I don't want to make a mistake. I may be 37 and single now but at least I haven't made bigger mistakes. Another thing is, he didn't like my female body much. I believe. He was selfish in bed. I read on here, well he is disrespectful, he cares about his orgasm more than yours, and I know this relates to me.

Fuck it why am i wasting my time, I am going o stop this and go out. Thanks mumsnet. I might be back on later when I hve done it.

Look at the fantasy again. What did he contribute to it verbally or in writing?

Did he ever show signs of imagining you both living together? With details - where, doing what, sharing what, getting married even?

If he did imagine you living together, shouldn't he have been keen enough to try to make it happen? And did he?

If the idea was that you should move over there, did he ever do anything concrete about visas? Which are damn hard to get, BTW. You would have had to find an employer who would go to the expense and trouble of getting you a visa, and prove they couldn't get anyone in the US to do the job, in order to employ you. Or you would have had to go over to marry him and he would have had to show he could support you. Did he show any signs of seriously sorting that out?

Did he ever say he was prepared to leave everything and come and live in the UK with you?

Did you talk about your future together while he just nodded and agreed?

You've invested a lot in this relationship, financially and emotionally. Again, what has his contribution been?

As MC Cat says, post again if you need to get something off your chest or sympathy or anything. There will be people here. I'll certainly be thinking of you

Stay strong and dump this guy...you won't meet the right man whilst you are still in a 'relationship' with him.

Don't beat yourself up - you trusted this guy, you gave it time to work, you put effort to make it work and when it didn't feel right you ended the relationship. All of that is positive and shows you can make a relationship work but not this one! You have analysed the relationship well, your instinct is telling you that it should end..don't ignore that instinct..move on, find ways to occupy yourself at the time you would normally be speaking with him.

The right man could be just around the corner

Patty Penguin, to be fair yes he did. He drove us all the way down the California coast (good times, go on holiday with a stranger amd get o very well - good sign to me.) So he drove us to a town he lies and said, can you see yourself living here? Re the wedding, he would be very kind and loving and say he believed weddings were girly things and I could have whatever i wanted, he only wanted ti pick me up in my wedding dress and twirl e around and kiss me.

Re the visa, it would have been a fiamncee visa and that is easy enough if you can prove, which we would have been able to. But it goes a lot deeper than that, its about my flat and my 3 pensions and making that all legal. I feel he flies by night, and he has these massive debts! I dont mind that, my Dad lost his business in the 90s and he was OK after a while. My fella was always looking for work, he would even send me email trails he was having to ptove to me that he was trying as he felt I gave him too hard a time about it. I thought I had been lucky to never have been out of work in my life, I thought I was learning a lesson that it isnt always that easy,. But I have HAD to always find work because I have a beliefe that if I dont do it myself, who will do it>>? I now think that he doesnt match me on that thinking. How can I move to America with massive debts I would marry into, and be with a man who does not share my attitude??

Smum thanks for that, I feel better reading that. I dont want to be unhappy all the time,. I want a man who is my friend and to do things with him, normal things.

He is taking you for a ride. Plus I don't think you could work out there until a qualifying period had passed and you had the correct visa. Plus with his job being unstable, if he has medical insurance through work, what happens of he loses it? You are putting yourself no family at risk.

End it now, best thing. Don't feel bd as he has been fleecing you. Don't accept any sob stores from him also.

There are long distance relationships, but this wasnt one I'm afraid. This is a man just using you, and you are getting nothing back out of it.

I am sure it all sounds like a fantastic opportunity, but the reality is a very different thing.

I am fairly sure you would not be able to work if you moved out to the USA, certainly not for quite a while. I have a few friends who have moved from the UK to California, and I have friends who are US citizens who have lived in Cali all their lives, it really is not the American Dream. It is a very expensive state to live in, and from your posts you have visited once yes? Has he been over here? This is not a relationship at all.

Dont send him any more money, follow your instincts in your head, not your heart. Get rid of him.

And there we have it - it is not that easy is it. I KNOW that life is not a guarantee, and I do what I have to do to survive. But I fear he does not. he goes on about dying and how there is no God and I am sick to the back teeth of it.

I am also not sure I could live in America. They might speak English but honestly the things I heard! And the attitude that 'I'm an American!!! If course it will be alright!!!'

He honestly wanted me to go over there without the proper visa and trust that it would be alright! This led to a split in Sept. To get back with him, I layed it all straight down and he took it and I believed in us again and flew over to see him (visit no4.) It was only OK this time and I was making cracks about us being friends. Thats the one thing we have been able to make, a friendship.

I have been telling him this morning that we can be friends. I just think I want more out of a man I share my life with. I want to be able to play the music I like. I want him to give me oral sex!! I want him to find what I say interesting and care about it, not say my little emails, which he would miss should we break up, are boring!!!

And all set against this American backdrop of looks, how we looked back then, how pretty someone is to look at as well, I am naive to have traveled so extensively and not been killed, it must be because I am a girl and so on.

My english best mate married an American woman, in California.. now divorced, she fleeced him..

He is still living there, luckily has a very good job.

Have a think about this... take away California, the sunshine, the "romance" of a long distance affair.. and put this man in a grotty bedsit in Bradford.... or any small town in the UK... would this man have the same appeal...

I bet he wouldnt.

I live in fantasyland, shine on. I think that is why I am still single. Its because of my background. But I cant go on like it. Its getting a bit beyond now.

Anyway thanks all. It hurts to hear you all be so ride about the man I have been loving but I think it is time to call the whole thing a day. At least I can go out a bit now. And I really don't think I could have lived in America. Although what a thing to do. What a beautiful piece of the world.

California was part of the drawback believe it or not!!! I liked the man, he was kind and very clever, but very down on himself and not believing in himself and not showing the gumption in the end to make it work for us.

No I wont be writing to deathrow inmates.

I have to say he doesnt sound very kind, or very clever :(

Self pitying though, and needy ... (never an attractive quality)

You are making excuses for him, he is bleeding you dry financially and not prepared to do anything to help himself.

Stop the financial support immediately you are being taken for a mug.

When you've dumped him, look into some counselling for yourself. I understand that you have had a lousy childhood and some bad experiences, but you need to start sorting yourself out or you will just go on making the same mistakes again: falling for some or other bellend with a good sob story. Because there are, unfortunately, a lot of men like this one, who can smell a needy, vulnerable woman and know exactly what buttons to push.

I also imagine it will have been very lonely spending the last two years scrimping and saving to support someone who is just poncing off you. What have you gained out of this relationship? Nothing. :(

I hate to say this, but I think he has very likely been spinning you a lot of bullshit.

At least you are seeing the light before shipping yourself over there and burning all your bridges.

So the positive side of this is, ditch him. I wouldnt even sustain a friendship with him, because he is likely to find your weak spot and wheedle his way back in.

Concentrate on building a life for yourself here, in reality, where you can be with real life breathing people on a daily basis, and interract with them in real life, not over your broadband.

You are only 37, your life is still ahead of you, and there is plenty of time to meet someone who will genuinely care for you and treat you with respect.