Breaking up today

[Saturdaysgirl]

Hi mumsnet I need your help and support. :( I am breaking up with my long distance boyfriend and feel terrible about hurting him. But I have good reasons and am going to stick to them.

Bit of background - I am 37, he is 41. I live in the UK, he lives in California. We both had shit childhoods. I sorted myself out and bought a flat, he was running hos own business. In the crash in the states, he lost it all and is now in debt and struggling to find work.

We met on myspace, both being musicians. We were friends and then one thing led to another. I had been alone a while and really liked him and decided to fly out to California to go on my first date in a good while! Cue a very exciting time. But very stressful - where could it possibly go etc. All this time we would talk every day, email, have massive long skype sessions. But he lost his job very early on - major problem in our rel as he has NEVER consistently worked since then!!! Having committed to him, I then began financially supporting him.

Of course none of my friends like that at all and neither did I. He had kidney stones and no medical insurance and would be in terrible pain. Eventually he had been out of work so long, he qwualified for medical care and this year has had about 4 operations to sort out the stones, during which time I have carried on supporting him. I have had not a spare penny all year. i work full time in a stressful job and take on extra shfts somewhere else at the weekend to make ends meet.

I have been like,. oh don't worry, something will come along, we're a couple now and so on.

I have always believed in him. he wasn't one to brag you see, and over time things would come out about his business, his professional history and I was always very impressed. he comes across so well. I was SURE he would make good. He may well still make good.

But it has been ywo years!! he wont go and get a job in the department store down the road! he won't catch a bus into the downtown area where he lves to get a better job, he is working 4 hours a day at home doing telesales and its shite! meanwhile we go engaged in march - the happiest day of my life - but we arr going nowhere. I could lose this flat if a tenant stopped paying the rent. being a batter child, I have no family.

If I move out there, we would need my salary to live on while his pays off his debts. And I am 37 and have no baby and being always very unsure anyway about that, i then said I would definitely not have one so we could live on my salary and he pay off his debts, but now I find that too hard a choice to make.

he is dismissive of me these days, doesn't want to talk, doesn't want to be dynamic about getting a shit job, doesnt want to talk about the legalities of visas, he drives to the shop when he's drunk which i HATE, he can be sexist and racist and say I take it too literally.

Anyway so I've finally had enough and have been telling him its over, but he is still being kind and caring and thinking I will change my mind. I on he other hand have been thinking about going out and meeting a new man! I do not get hugged or kissed at all! I live for one little phonecall and I can tell he wants to get off the phone. Winter is drawing in, I am lonely. Anyway I have to talk to him and I am dreading it. I have built this fantasy of what it could be like - we could do this and this - and now I have to take it away from him.

It used to anger me so much when I was coming off the baxk of a full week at work and making ready to go and do a nighshift somewhere, where he would be lying back going 'Ahhhh! I'll be watching TV tonight, speak to you when you get back baby.' I only slid that by myself because it seemed he had done loads to try and get a job that week. But seriously, get a job in flaming mcDonalds man!!!!

He told you he had done loads to get a job that week.. the reality was he was just sitting back waiting for your next paycheck to drop into his lap.. so he could go piss it up the wall.

He doesnt give much of a shit about his health if he is a drunk. He doesnt give much of a shit about other people either if he drink drives. Out of interest, how does he afford to run a car. Gas may be cheap out there, but insurance isnt.

It isn't insured Squeaky, so he won't drive it. But he will drive half a mile to the shop for more whiskey - a source of endless angst between us. He did stop doing this and would proudly tell me he had walked - good - but to have to be told?? - and to buy more whiskey in the first place?

I didn't realise it was a real drinking problem. He would drink maybe once a month, but honestly at times sometimes more often. Last summer he drank quite a lot, he was living on his savings then and was bored and the working week was over, he couldn't go out in his car so what else was there? he said. Anyway so we had some real bang ups about that and he cut right down. But he STILL drinks (when he decides to have a drink) starting in the evening and then carrying on in the morning and all day and the next evening and often then passes out! And is then unavailable to me for about 3 days while he hangs over.

I do not want that for my life. I do not want to tell a man not to drink drive for gods sake!!! Yes I have read the thread. I completely agree. I am glad I did not do anything serious here. I am happy I am not trusting my little flat out to someone I don't know. I feel a mug for this. I know certain people are looking at me with less respect for supporting this man. Its just that I honestly didn't understand how a person would use someone for money, and I genuinely thought he was looking especially when he would send me email trails. OIr be happy and forward going about a possibility, only to then be downhearted when it came to nothing, and not want to talk, and try again and the same thing happen. And then have a drink, and then want to get fit and eat good food, and get back to the job search.

I think there is more to him than you are all giving him credit for, but to be honest I have suffered so much here too, waiting, hoping with him and then getting those job hopes dashed, watching him go to hospital on his own and worrying....gah.

Was this ever really a relationship ? Does n't sound like much of catch ! Sounds like he is treating you like a source of income and telling you what he chooses meanwhile you in turn are enabling his lifestyle. Don't put your life on hold for this waster any longer .

Thanks for all of your wise words. I am going to sign off now. He will be getting up at around 4pm. I may avoid him. I shall have to face up to it at some point tho otherwise I would be being cruel. But he is under no illusions, I just don't want to slate him off and then go. I would hate that being done to me. That said, he has been pretty mean to me so.... Anyway thanks all.

I just want to say that I don't believe this has been a total waste of time. I think you've learned something about men and about yourself from it. You have friends in real life, you're obviously a generous, affectionate person. I believe you will find someone who genuinely loves you, and all this business might even have made it easier for you to spot such a treasure amongst the dross.

If he wanted to apply for a fiance or spouse visa for you, he would have to prove that he can financially support you. That is the short version - the long version could involve finding a joint sponsor in the US, or by you demonstrating that your income will continue from the same source after you immigrate - both potentially difficult to do. The consequences of bypassing the formal immigration process are severe. I wouldn't get your hopes up about a life in the US. I'm so sorry you're in this situation OP.

Thanks callthatyoga, you are right, I looked into it properly. We would have been alright - if he got a job, he would start paying off his tax debt and file all the right papers. I would have waited. There's no way I would do anything like that illegally!! No way. It taught me a bit actually, we have the NHS over here and I have come to realise how lucky we are. His operations were better than ours here, but it is expensive. To choose a life with this man was partly about money and I just always thought that was sad. I guess I feel very sad about it. Its not out of the bounds of possibility that I would rent my flat, we pay off the debt and then buy a house over there together and then have a little nestegg for when we are old. I'm just sick of waiting for him and I don't believe he loves me that much, going by the things he says and does.

He goes on two-day benders, drinks until he passes out and is hung-over for three days? That's a pretty big drinking problem, and suggests to me that his primary relationship is and always has been with the booze.

He's a total loser, saturdays. He cannot live up to your dreams of a life together.

Please ditch him and get yourself some counselling or read 'Women who Love Too Much' or something. Get your man-radar sorted.