Revenge - I wish I could stop the horrible thoughts...

[Punkatheart]

Some of you may know that my OH left me (and DD) in August. All the cliches: want to be free - trapped - can't do this any more - not you, it's me - want you as a friend.....blah blah blah

Went through shock, sadness, empathy with his unhappiness etc. But now - left with serious illness to cope with, a sad teenager, run-down house, animals, poorly elderly cat and now - he is messing around with money, because of his own mismanagement. He got through £!2,000 in a month - when he was not working. So letters from the bank, calls from the credit card company etc.

I am in the process of being put on the list for a bone marrow transplant. Very scary and tbh, my daughter and I don't need this worry and stress. He HAS to support us at the moment - it is the very least he can do.

BUT I HAVE EVIL THOUGHTS. I am not proud of them. I still love the man but I really wish him harm. I feel ashamed - really ashamed. But I cannot relate to the fact that he has hurt us so deeply, that he has been so cowardly. I still cry in the street at times but the anger is a lot worse.

Please tell me off. This can't be right. I am a gentle soul at heart.

Sure it's right. Feel your anger: it's there and it needs to be acknowledged in order to be eventually let go. You're not acting on your thoughts of revenge, so you've got nothing to be worried about.

pumpkin is right. And were you to suppress these thoughts, they would keep popping up anyway. You could try going for a thorough think of one of your revenge scenarios, then turning that into a film in your head, then making it black-and-white, then letting it fade...

I had a long drawn out fantasy for how my ex husband could be utterly destroyed and his life forever ruined. I spent hours on the details until eventually it started to get funny.

I don't think it's necessarily unhealthy (as long as you don't actually do any of it!) and I found it helped. My venom had to go somewhere and this way it didn't poison my future.

I used to want my ex to be run over by a bus

Hah, my ex wanted me to be run over by a bus as he put it in one argument then saw OW as his revenge [hgrin] cos I wouldn't put up with the abuse and total lack of responsibility any longer and dared to get angry. Anger is important it is part of the grieving. If it's eating you up then go through it, buy a doll and some pins, draw nasty pictures, write it all down - it's November 5 soon (just a thought!). But if you feel it is a problem and is corrosive, then finding someone to talk to will help. You have every right to feel [hangry] that he has blown £12,000.
Best revenge is a good life and utter detachment, hard but it will come/

Don't fret honey, it's entirely possible to remain a 'gentle soul at heart' while seething with white hot anger and desire for good old-fashioned vengeance.

Anger is an energy that can be used for good as well as bad. If we didn't get angry or pissed off with things as they are, there'd be very little change for the better occurring in the world

As Pumpkin says, acknowledge your anger - welcome it and feel it coursing through your body invigorating every cell of your being, re-energising and revitalising you. And then let it go by screaming, wailing, punching a cushion (with his face on it) or whatever floats your boat and 'feel' relaxed and satisifed afterwards, ready for a and a good piece of music - Mozart or Chopin usually does it for me.

Also, please know that there's nothing wrong with entering into 'dark and evil' fantasies about what you'd like to do to him or others who've hurt you, but before you 'come back' from the 'other side', crumple them up and throw them away - preferably into a river or the sea - so that they can't stick around and feed off you or do anyone any harm.

There's no reason for you to be ashamed of your thoughts. You have every right to think whatever thoughts you choose, or that come into your head unbidden. Problems only occur if we believe that we are no more than our thoughts or that we can't control them and are compelled to act on them, even when we know that they have the power to destroy us and others.

Get kicking the shit out of those cushions! Hopefully, one way or another, the twunt will feel every blow and that's no more than he deserves [hgrin]

I still wish my ex would be run over by a bus..... my mum wishes boils on his bottom..... and my counsellor tells me this is normal :)

It is a normal reaction when someone has acted badly to be hurt and angry and to wish bad things upon them. In fact, counsellor said to imagine a friend was in the same situation I had been, and that if they had reacted with sweetness and light how concerned would I have been that it wasn't an appropriate response?

I know it doesn't feel good, but its an emotion that is there for a reason. I have however, just got the Paul mckenna book (after reading suggestions for it on here) how to heal heartbreak.... and despite my initial scepticism (sorry, cant spell) it really has helped.

Chin up petal, and like someone else says, kick those cushions!

Does the bus go slowly forwards and back while he's under the wheels and would that be boils on his front bottom, milly? [hgrin]

Oh, the boils are most definitely on his front bottom.... and they are itchy I hope!

I sent ex a message after we had separated telling him he had given me an sti, and his response was "I don't think so, the escorts always made me use condoms." Apparently, his work colleague hadn't been quite so diligent though, so we got to the bottom of where the front bottom boils came from in the end! Men eh?!

Don't feel ashamed, the only person who should be ashamed here is your ex. I think these thoughts are as natural as your feelings of shock and sadness were.

Why not make a list of different things that you could do to get revenge on him, not so you could actually think about doing them but so that you can let all of those things out of your system. You can then look through them all and have a good laugh imagining your ex's face when he is pushed into a giant cow pat/ wakes up to find his underpants full of a thousand ants/ realises he has KNOB written in permanent marker on his forehead etc etc.

fantasies of harm occurring to a person who has hurt us deeply are completely normal so don?t feel ashamed- just don?t ever act on them. At some point your ex will falter in his new life and if you?ve behaved impeccably then he is more likely to regret his decision. And that will be your biggest revenge. oh and the satisfaction of knowing you have set a good example to your daughter.

Isn't it just to try and make him understand the pain you've been through?

Which he won't

Wallow for 5 mins if you must, then climb out and do something good for you and dc that doesn't involve negative, time-wasting, would've/could've shite. Please

You are in a very difficult situation. I am not surprised you feel enormous anger towards him. It would be strange if you didn't. But don't let him get the better of you. Channel that angry energy in to things you can change and that will make you happier. Don't waste your breath on him.

But get financial advice asap. He has chosen a shocking time to start fucking about with money and you need to make sure he stays accountable.

Best of luck.

Thank you for your wisdom and tough talking...

I do keep as busy as my health will allow - but I curse my illness every day. It has had such a bearing on things - taking away my confidence and not letting me help with our financial burden. But I really thought that if someone loved you - they would love you through everything. I would have loved him if he had become sick. I consider myself a deep feeling and deep thinking person....he now seems such a shallow person. My mother treated him like a son, thought he was perfect, knitted him jumpers. Yet he has not even called her.

Oh dear, everything is such a mess. I think the hardest thing is the wicked thoughts that eventually fade and are replaced with a terrible pain.....I want him to come back so badly....he is the love of my life and I cannot really see a way forward.....

This is the second message that I have composed to you Punk - first one was full of good wholesome advice; you know the sort of thing- concentrate on yourself, get yourself better, etc., etc.

Have changed my mind completely! Give vent to your anger and have a real go at the uncaring b***d. Hope everything goes well for you healthwise and in every other area of your life. Best wishes!

Thank you carantala. He has done a rotten thing - he is too ashamed to speak to me at the moment. Sad really what he has lost - a deep and loyal love.

I can't see myself becoming involved with anyone again but it does make me sad that I will be alone. I can't think what I have done in life to deserve this...I have tried to be a good person. A good friend. I have no enemies.

Oh well.

I can recommend attending this course

www.drw.org.uk/

OP, there is nothing wrong with feeling angry. I often wish death and destruction on people on the street who get in my way when I'm in a hurry . And your ex deserves it a million times more. And it does help to be angry about things when they hurt you, so don't feel bad. You need to feel angry at the moment to get through this period. Anger is an active emotion at a point when you need to deal with lots - your illness, your DD's feelings - so it's a good thing for helping you get through at the moment. It's all still very new, so it isn't like it is inappropriate to feel anger at the moment.

And in answer to another comment you made - there is no reason to believe you will always be alone. My mum and dad split up when I was a teen and she had a chronic illness. Things were awful for a while - she REALLY hated him with good cause - but we all survived and a while later my mum met a man who thinks she is a queen and treats her as such.

She is blissfully happy. She now has an amazing life and is able to meet up with my dad and both their partners when any family occasions require it. And she isn't bothered about that because as she says: "I'm happy, I have a good life, I overcame lots of terrible things and my children love me. Your dad missed out on living with you for years and so I did better out of it."

So don't feel bad - he is the one losing out. And if you need to feel angry, do!

Dont feel bad, its natural to wish harm to someone who has harmed you to the point that this person has.

Try to be strong for yourself and your daughter. In time things will get better, time is a great healer.

Ensure all your finances are seperate so that his debt does not cause you any ongoing problems. Whilst he should support you you cannot force him to other than via the CSA.

Punkatheart I really feel for you. Five years ago I was where you are; beside myself with rage and grief and pain and trying to support three dcs, the eldest aged 5.At the same time I also found out I had hep c and I went through the treatment for that for six months which was gruelling, completely unsupported by exdp. I remember sobbing my heart out in the bank because the cashier had smiled at me in a kindly manner

I used to feel murderous thoughts that really shocked me and my heart raged for myself and poor innocent dcs. I couldn't believe he wouldn't see them or pay maintenance for them. I couldn't afford to do things to our house which was falling down gently around me

Now I am very happy and have been for a good while

My advice, fwiw would be this

Be kind to yourself. I is very early days to have gone through such an enormous change and loss and you are bound to be feeling a maelstrom of emotions. That in itself is exhausting and draining so eat well, sleep as much as you can and try to have some exercise every day

Accept that is its perfectly normal and healthy and right to feel anger. As others have said, try to channel that energy into helping yourself . If it becomes too much for you,find ways to vent. I used to write vitriolic emaills to my exdp and, (in the main )put them in my drafts box, put on really loud music and dance around my kitchen whilst pretending i was kicking him etc etc.

Take pleasure in small things - a cheap bunch of flowers, a new lipstick,feeding the ducks, coffee with friends, a hot chocolate with your dd, do a good turn for someone, anything that gives you a lift and doesn't cost you much money. Try no to worry too much about the house for now - I used to just put another poster over the damp - leave that for another day

Get legal advice - go with a friend with a list of questions for a free half hour's legal advice - lots of solicitors offer that. Try to open your post as it comes and keep on top of it. It won't go away if you ignore it.

Try to look forward in stages. Don' think too far ahead, just set yourself manageable goals, such as by christmas you would hope to be feeling a bit better and have a nice day with your daughter. If the future frightens you, focus on the here and now for the time being. After Christmas has gone, aim to keep going and keep strong until Easter. And so on

It is hard when a relationship breaks down and you will not feel better immediately, but keep going with your head held high and you WILL feel better before too long

PAH, I totally totally get where you are coming from

no more to be said, really

apart from give me his address I will have him kneecapped

my love and support to you x

You have all made me cry - but in a good way. Especially Ruby. So happy for your mother - it is truly inspiring. I just find myself distant even in company and I can so relate crying when someone is kind.

I suppose it equates to feeling like a child. I have never been very tough/hard and now I feel exceptionally thin-skinned.

Good advice. Wise words - as always. I ache every day. Sometimes I feel as if I am in a dream.

I have so much love inside me to give someone. I do hope that one day I find someone who will deserve it and as Ruby says so beautifully, will treat me like a queen.

I have summat in me eye < ahem >

Of course you deserve it punk - you sound lovely and I'm just a stranger on MN.

Your ex has given up the chance to live with you and his daughter. You will have all the amazing everyday experiences with her that he won't and you will never be the parent that left. These things are important. Or at least they will be to your DD.

And hopefully being angry and sad now will get it all out of your system, so when you have the chance to meet someone who treats you like a queen, you'll have spent time getting over this relationship. And it has been a long relationship, so that takes time. So even the feeling crap all counts for something, even though it feels so horrible now.

Hope all your medical things go well. X

Well I did have to email him to tell him about the bone marrow thing - as eventually I will have to put things in place, plus a will, to make provision (and a home) for my daughter in case the worst happens. It will not be for ages but I do have to plan. No response. I then had to ask him to pay an important bill - so carefully, in measured sentences, I did tell him what he is losing and how he has hurt his daughter. The only insult I used was 'coward' but I also told him that his mother refusing to come into my home was appalling. We are the victims after all.

No response.

Twenty years. Love. Laughter. Tender things. One beautiful daughter. All the good things have slipped away from my mind. How can someone suddenly stop caring? I am loathe to think it is a male thing - but I know I could never do this to anyone....