Revenge - I wish I could stop the horrible thoughts...

[Punkatheart]

Some of you may know that my OH left me (and DD) in August. All the cliches: want to be free - trapped - can't do this any more - not you, it's me - want you as a friend.....blah blah blah

Went through shock, sadness, empathy with his unhappiness etc. But now - left with serious illness to cope with, a sad teenager, run-down house, animals, poorly elderly cat and now - he is messing around with money, because of his own mismanagement. He got through £!2,000 in a month - when he was not working. So letters from the bank, calls from the credit card company etc.

I am in the process of being put on the list for a bone marrow transplant. Very scary and tbh, my daughter and I don't need this worry and stress. He HAS to support us at the moment - it is the very least he can do.

BUT I HAVE EVIL THOUGHTS. I am not proud of them. I still love the man but I really wish him harm. I feel ashamed - really ashamed. But I cannot relate to the fact that he has hurt us so deeply, that he has been so cowardly. I still cry in the street at times but the anger is a lot worse.

Please tell me off. This can't be right. I am a gentle soul at heart.

Oh Punk, you are handling so much at the moment. You have all my sympathies.

You're right, it's not a male thing: it's his own, personal, individual choice to give you no response, and to show no caring. It is a shocking and hurtful way for him to behave.

IME, your anger at him and your painful feelings will subside once you accept that this is the way it is, that his behaviour is his choice, that it is no reflection on you, and that you need only concern yourself with your own and DD's wellbeing. But it takes time, and a lot of healthy anger to get to that stage.

So go ahead and feel that anger. Say how you feel -- in a letter you never send, or at the top of your lungs while smashing crockery against your garden wall. Any way you feel like. Your anger is legitimate and deserves to be expressed, for your own benefit.

I was left in an almighty mess when I finally left my OH. That was in 2006. I am normally laid back but the anger and harm I wished (and still wish) on my ex took me by surprise. I even open windows to let wasps out rather than swat them and I'm allergic to the little buggers. But, if I saw my ex being duffed up, I'd not stop whoever was doing it! I can't believe I feel like this but I do. I think anger has been useful though because it was sheer outrage and anger that fuelled my determination to fight my ex in court, to get myself released from liability for the debts he'd racked up without my knowledge and to keep battling to get my stolen inheritance money back. So many people have told me that I shouldn't be angry and that it's not good for me but I would argue that if they'd gone through what I had, they'd be angry. I have two friends who really understood the level of my rage. One is a divorcee who can relate to the sense of betrayal, shock and hurt and the other is a psychiatrist who made me a cake with a fudge image of my ex behind bars for me to 'slice and dice'! Boy, did taking up that cake knife feel good!!!!! Being angry doesn't make you a bad person. You are going through a hell of a lot right now. Hopefully your anger will lessen in time but for now maybe you could try allowing yourself to feel as you do and not judging yourself so harshly because you don't deserve it. Good luck.

I still have dreams where I machete my ex into tiny pieces. the blood literally flows round my ankles and I FUCKING THROW BACK MY HEAD AND LAUGH. Have I said too much?
punk you are a hero. i wish I could send you all the things that could make you better and then go round to his house and shove my shoe up his arse till it looks like he has Primark pumps coming out of his mouth.
And seeing as none of that is really possible, I shall say a tiny prayer for you. Cos I do believe that God looks after his best children. The rest get fucked over somehow, leave it to the universe

Thank you all. You have particularly made me laugh, lola.....lovely detail with those Primark pumps!

I don't feel like a hero. I feel like a sad, lonely lost person. I had a blood test today and started crying. I told the nurse and was expecting her to be very professional and non-committal. 'What a bastard!' is actually what she said. 'If he comes here for blood tests I will make sure he feels it!'

Friends have been amazing. The lovely women on Mumsnet have been amazing. Now I want to get some writing work - stuff I can do at home so that I don't feel so helpless. I feel really sick today - not sure if that is from my chemo shot last night or from grief.

I am bloody sick of misery. Life must upturn. It simply must.

Get yourself through each day. Focus on what you can do with in the next hour. Break the day down into managable bits. It must be shit having injections all the time and your body bashed around to the point that you don't even know what is making you feel sick and shit. Life will turn. Believe me. But you have to have faith in the idea that it will or else you simply won't notice it. Small things at first. The first blossoms will appear when you begin to feel physically a bit better. Take your time punk, take your time.

hi punkatheart, I'm going through similar to you (without the bone marrow transplant/illness, but with an early pregnancy and hyperemesis thrown in). 23 years here. Bastard. Think mine was going through a similar crisis.

I keep having really horrible thoughts about my dh. Sometimes (im ashamed of this) i think it would be better if he was dead. At least I'd be rich from his life assurance. very rich as he's overinsured! (don't want this btw, the kids love him too much unfortunately!)

I've also been known to daydream about winning the lottery and then waving the lottery ticket in his face!! git.

I don't have the answers I'm afraid. I vere from feeling really angry and determined to succeed, to just feeling very sad about everything I've lost. In the mornings I'm more likely to be positive, by the end of the day when I'm tired and sick I just feel miserable. I think there are lots of stories on here of people who do get through this stage and in the end feel that they're better off. I hope i (and you) get to that stage and have a wonderful new life!

Sending thanks again to wise wise lola and real hugs to Beattie. Ah, the lottery revenge...yes, I know that one. My daughter even came up with another one...we drive (handsome chaffeur) to his place of work, wind down the window and say 'You abandoned us.....now look....loser!'

I am trying to cope by joining lots of things, meeting people. They cheer me up but then they talk about their lovely husbands or partners, even simple things like sitting in front of the telly with them. I get the old lip wobble.

Today I will be working on some stuff for my writers' group (another joined thing).

I hope that gorgeous life for you too Beattie...sorry to hear that you are poorly. Mornings are the worst bits for me. Wake up gloomy, it all floods in...then I fight it off until bedtime. But I do love my daughter coming home...moody teenager that she is.....it is as if the lights have come on. She is the true love of my life. I am proud of creating her.

sweetie, I don't think I could even print the revenge fantasies I had about my ex. Detailed, maximum pain. tbh it was the only way I could get to sleep at night, the only thing that calmed me down and gave me any peace.