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Original poster

WWYD? WWY have done? Did I do the right thing? And what can I do about the ex? long sorry

29 replies

fluffythevampirestabber · 27/10/2011 19:17

Long story short

Went no contact with parents after an incident at the beginning of the year.

I am happy with that - narc mother, enabling father, I was scapegoat.

But Ex and mother love each other. Mother really likes him and the two of them have kept contact. (two narcs, two golden children they feed of each other) Which is up to them. I made it clear to him that I wanted no contact and would prefer that the kids had no contact but I can't stop him and her having a relationship.

He's been taking the kids round there, dropping them off, getting my Mum to do pick ups from school.

Again, I wasn't happy but I can't do anything about it.

Today, he was supposed to get DD2 from school and run her to DD1 school where they were meeting to go into town as it's the start of half term. Except he got my mother to do it. And she kept the kids bags in the back of her car and has just landed round with them to return them TO ME AT MY HOUSE

I was polite, no more, didn't ask her in took the bags said thank you , she was all anytime you know we will help out more than glad to and here's your birthday card and she was turning on the tears about not seeing me, and the kids.

I kept it short and sweet and went in to cook kids tea. I'm still shaking (so apologies if my spelling is shot to hell). What can I do? She's handed me a card with money for my birthday I don't want it I don't want her here and the ex and her are sneaking her back into mine and the kids lives.

What can I do? Did I do the right thing?

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 27/10/2011 19:41

What a horrible situation. You do know, though, that your ex and your mum will soon annoy each other, because they both think they are the most important thing on the earth.

Go to a charity shop tomorrow and put your mum's money in the collection tin - preferably a charity for mental health.

Just don't respond at all to your mum. Don't show your anger to your ex - he will thrive off it. If your children are old enough, tell them that your mum isn't the sort of person who should have children.

I'm so sorry for you. Do you have a partner or friends you can talk to about this?

RandomMess · 27/10/2011 19:48

How old are your dc?

Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 27/10/2011 19:52

Dd's are 13 and 9

Have a partner but he's not available just right at this minute - I'll phone my friend tomorrow but tonight I'm here with the kids.

good idea about the charity - I don't want her fucking money I just want her to leave me the fuck alone. And I am totally happy with no contact it was lovely without the stress for so long and now I'm all stressed and my stomach is in knots. Sad

OP posts:
HerScaryness · 27/10/2011 20:29

Can you insist that the school only release your DC to those WITH parental responsibility?

Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 27/10/2011 20:31

I could but that would cause a massive row - she spat at me after the last event. Sad plus sometimes my friend gets them or his mum or a relative.

why can't he respect my decision??

OP posts:
ScareyFairenuff · 27/10/2011 21:08

I agree that you should ask the school to not let her take them. I know it would cause a row but surely that would be preferable to her collecting them and bringing them to you again and again. That's the last thing you want really.

HerScaryness · 27/10/2011 21:29

You have to choose.

Either you want this woman having access to your DC or you don't.

If she behaves like that toward you, you may be able to get a court order to keep her away. Get some legal advice.

Your DC have to be protected. If you have to have a massive row, so be it. Your DC are worth protecting from toxic unhealthy people.

I'd see about changing contact for your DH to supervised if I were you. He's only associating with her to wind you up and she him. He won't respect your decision because he knows you are unhappy about it.

Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 28/10/2011 07:46

Yeah I know I need to grow a set.

I can't in a million years see a judge ordering supervised contact for my ex on that basis though

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 28/10/2011 07:55

She is so manipulative though. And so is he.

I drive (or I can if I go a slightly different route) past their house on the way home from uni. So she could have texted me to tell me to call and lift the girls stuff.

Plus if he's supposed to get them, and can't, I've told him tons of times to let me know and I'll organise something. But he doesn't. He farms them off on anyone - his mother my mother rather than organise himself properly to collect them and do what he's agreed to iyswim?

I haven't slept hardly at all and when I did I had a nightmare about the two of them so I need to do something it's a matter of sorting in my head what that something is.

At the end of the day, I told him I was going no contact with my family, and that I would prefer he didn't take the kids there. Obviously I can't stop him, but surely I can insist that if he has contact with my family then it's up to him to organise picking stuff up? I don't know what to do for the best, what the best way is to handle it that will minimise the fall out. Last time, when I stood up to my family, it ended up with my mother here screeching and yelling at me and spitting in my face. I don't do confrontation very well and that threw me off kilter for a long long time.

Oh ignore me I am just unloading all the crap out of my brain.

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 28/10/2011 08:26

And it doesn't help that she said "Oh DD2 says its her harvest service today"

And Im scared she'll turn up to that Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 28/10/2011 12:13

Well, neither of them turned up which is a good thing, except the ex told dd2 he'd be there so she was looking for him Sad

OP posts:
buzzskeleton · 28/10/2011 18:49

I know it's drastic, but what about moving away? Doesn't have to be a huge distance, but far enough that these cosy swaps and babysitting aren't so convenient?

buzzskeleton · 28/10/2011 18:50

Oh, I hate that, disappointing the poor child. Sad

Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 28/10/2011 19:17

Thing is, at the minute I rely on him to "help me out" so I can go to uni and I can't afford childcare and the kids are settled, you know? Happy with schools, happy with friends.

I dunno how to handle it for the best I don't want my mother in their lives, but I know that a court would never restrict his access in such a way that he couldn't take the kids to see her iyswim?

I just was so happy and settled in my head with not having to see my mother and now all that's up the swannee and she's so fucking manipulative and she was going over all the "any time you need anything jsut phone you know your dad and I are here for you blah blah blah"

crock of fucking shite.

OP posts:
SnapesMistressofFear · 28/10/2011 20:10

I would tell the school she is not allowed to pick them up. You then tell the ex this and wait for it to blow up for blow up it will. If you are prepared for the anger you can hopefully avoid by not answering the door to her or taking her calls.

HerScaryness · 28/10/2011 20:14

Talk to UNI, tell them what is happening, and see what they can suggest wrt childcare

ScareyFairenuff · 28/10/2011 20:22

Tell the school she is not to take the children and if she arrives to collect, the school should phone you and you will collect the children yourself. I am sure they will do this for you. I work in a school and I am informed when there are certain people who can or cannot take the children. If she is abusive to you again, call the police.

Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 28/10/2011 20:23

I've already told the ex I don't want her here and that I want nothing to do with her and if he has anything to do with her then it's on his head.

I emailed him and said that in future if he organises my mother to pick them up, then he needs to organise to get them back - I am having nothing to do with it.

Problem WRT uni is that they are 45 miles away from here, and the kids are at school here, so I'm not sure how much help they could be?

OP posts:
HerScaryness · 28/10/2011 20:38

Oh, I see...

Get some advice from the CAB about all this, you never know.. they may be able to suggest something.

I think you CAN potentially make an order that your DC are NOT to see your mother, and therefore he would have to abide by it or he would be in breach of the order and you could potentially suspend contact with him...

Check out some options?

Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 28/10/2011 20:49

Yes, HerScaryness, I will - I just feel like the two of them will have talked about it, and decided that I'm being unreasonable so they'll - I don't know - work me round and put me in a position where I'm in her company and I'm beholden to her for picking up the kids - although I did make it clear to her that had I known he wasn't going to pick them up then I'd have got them myself. or got my friend to get them or something. Anything other than her, really.

I just am not going to change my mind, and I'm a bit scared this is the thin edge of the wedge and she'll be starting to try to worm her way back in iyswim?

OP posts:
Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 30/10/2011 07:32

I have been having horrific nightmares about the two of them Sad so this is obviously preying on my mind

Kick up the bum or good shake required please Smile

Am hoping The Upgrade being here tonight will help me talk it all through and get it out of my head and I suppose if nothing else it'll distract me Wink

OP posts:
HerScaryness · 30/10/2011 14:18

I had nightmares about my X, terrible terrible ones, recurring too. I changed the room around, bought new duvet set and never had another bad dream since!

Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 30/10/2011 14:34

Oh he never lived here but I am pinning my hopes on The Upgrade distracting me tonight and I hope to get a good night's sleep Wink

OP posts:
RandomMess · 30/10/2011 14:41

Hmmmm block your Mum's phone number so she can't get in touch with you?

Warn your ex and your girls you will not be having any contact with your mother and to not involve you in any collect of them or their stuff but you will have to stick to it and the girls may not get stuff on time/back or whatever?

Can you ask for some counselling as clearly although non-contact your mum has too much power over you IYSWIM?

Really hope you sleep well tonight.

Original poster
fluffythevampirestabber · 30/10/2011 15:01

She hasn't tried to contact me directly, and if I had known XH was not going to be able to pick the kids up, I would have made other arrangements.

I do know that quite a lot of the time when he has them he farms them out - usually to his mother, much more rarely to mine.

I have told him (again) that in future I would prefer he contact me and I will make arrangements for the girls to be collected that do not involve my mother, and if he carries on and organises for her to collect them then he will have to organise getting them/stuff back from her, I am not prepared to have her at my door nor am I prepared to go there to collect kids and/or stuff.

So far he has not acknowledged the email I sent

While it was non-contact, ie not seeing her or having anything to do with her I was honestly fine. But it's this creeping back in again that fucks with my head, plus all the standing outside with the "if you need anything you know we are here for you blah blah"

OP posts: