Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Husband denies an affair and doesn't go out a lot but ...

44 replies

KirstyWirsty · 27/10/2011 15:23

My husband of 7 years was seeming a bit off in April and I had a dream that he was having an affair with Julia Roberts .. it left me with such a sinking feeling so I checked his phone for the first time ever and there were flirty texts from an initial and surname. I phoned her from his phone and told her hands off he?s a married man and confronted him. He said he was really embarrassed and it was just a flirtation and he would knock it on the head.

He became more and more secretive with his phone over the summer and his favourite contact was a man at work in the logs .. fair enough I thought ? then he got a text from ?John Smith? with kisses on the end first thing one morning .. By this point he was taking the phone through to the spare room while he went for a shower in the ensuite .. there was only one text under the name ? the others had been cleared out. He told me it was a girl from work who had been raped and he was trying to help her (his sister was raped as a teenager). He said he didn?t tell me about it because I made him ?sick? and he wanted to keep it out of the house .. and that I didn?t listen to him anyway ?

He now takes the phone into the shower room with him and has changed the security pattern even after I had told him that I have serious issues with him always having the phone in sight. I asked him to stop keeping his phone with him and he shouted at me ? as you asked ? No!!!?

He denies that he is having an affair .. and he never really goes out much but you don?t have to be a body language expert to know that something precious to him is in that phone .. he also clears down all his history etc after he uses the laptop ?

He has used the ?I love you but am not in love with you? cliché ? I want to leave him but I don?t want my 6 year old daughter to lose her home and her friends and I don?t want to miss out on seeing her every day.

OP posts:
Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 27/10/2011 15:35

I?ve just realised I?ve only told half of the story? He has lost weight since July ? He says he?s not been sleeping (although he always seem to manage fine when I?m lying awake all night)?

We had a talk a few weeks back and he said that he thinks that we have been to busy being parents and not concentrated enough on being a couple. He doesn?t know where his head is at and what he wants. I have suggested counselling for both of us but he has said he may go himself (he?s the only one in his family who didn?t go to counselling when his sister was raped) . He doesn?t want ?other? issues to be brought out by couples counselling ?

OP posts:
garlicBreathZombie · 27/10/2011 15:35

Oh dear. Your daughter will not necessarily lose her home, and he can still see her after HE moves out. Have you told him you want a divorce? I was wondering whether he might suddenly decide to come clean then ...

garlicBreathZombie · 27/10/2011 15:37

Cross-posted. Other issues???! That'll be the issues named John Smith?

He's either making an effort to save his marriage or he's not. He can't just save the bits he feels like saving.

ScareyFairenuff · 27/10/2011 15:54

I think he has already opted out of your relationship, emotionally if not physically. Get the phone thing sorted out, it's ridiculous to be so secretive if he's got nothing to hide so obviously he has! Don't let him fob you off. Have a proper conversation and make some decisions.

windsorTides · 27/10/2011 16:10

What is it you're asking here?

Are you asking for posters to confirm your suspicions? If so, IMO he is definitely having an affair.

You can separate and co-parent and your daughter wouldn't necessarily have to leave her home. You do need legal advice though.

HauntedLittleLunatic · 27/10/2011 16:15

My xp didn't go out often.

Didn't stop him having an affair by text and during the day when I was at work.

Needless to say he is my x for a reason.

IwanttobeShirleyValentine · 27/10/2011 16:18

What does he do with his phone when he is asleep at night?

Can you not get it then?

KatieScarlett2833 · 27/10/2011 16:18

He is SO having an affair.

Sorry Sad

Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 27/10/2011 16:25

He constantly denies that he is having an affair ... my gut feeling is that he's up to no good .. but the only evidence is going to be on the phone .. he deletes everything on the pc .. and he never lets me see his security code now .. he asked me to take a pic in a halloween mask at the weekend and he held on to the phone while I was taking it!

He has previously hidden porn in the house 5 years ago and when I found it he said it was 'a friend's' he was also seen smoking when he always denies it aggressively when asked so the trust was already being worn thin before this all happened this year

He got a visa bill last night (and he always uses a debit card) it was lying unopened when I took my DD to bed and when I came downstairs it was gone - envelope in the bin but no evidence of it in the shredder .. He NEVER opens his mail!! I never even bothered asking him as I know I will just get lies .. and he lies without hesitation!

I suggested he move out a couple of weeks ago and he asked why should he be the one to leave. I can afford to pay the mortgage and bills on my own but I can't afford to do that and pay him the owed equity on the house.. it's not a good time to sell just now with the current market.

OP posts:
Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 27/10/2011 16:27

@Iwanttobeshirleyvlentine

He plays music on the blasted phone with earphones and under his pillow.. I spent one night lying awake thinking 'I'm only 4 feet from it he's sound can I get it??' When I did get hold of it it was all cleared down.

He changed the code after that

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 27/10/2011 16:30

?I love you but am not in love with you? the killer phrase. Whether he is or isn't having an affair is immaterial, sorry. He's too gutless to opt out of the relationship, as typified by this remark He doesn?t know where his head is at and what he wants.... next thing he'll be 'off to find himself'.

The only thing you are going to do by poking down his mobile is hurt yourself I'm afraid. That's if he doesnt clear it after every text or call.

I doubt his "affair" is physical, but you've certainly lost him emotionally. Only you know whether you can work it through or whether it's lost forever.

I do feel for you..

windsorTides · 27/10/2011 16:32

Get some legal advice. Sounds like this man has been lying to you for years and you don't need evidence to end a relationship, do you?

windsorTides · 27/10/2011 16:33

Oh I'd bet a tidy sum that his affair is physical, alright....

troisgarcons · 27/10/2011 16:33

I suggested he move out a couple of weeks ago and he asked why should he be the one to leave. I can afford to pay the mortgage and bills on my own but I can't afford to do that and pay him the owed equity on the house.. it's not a good time to sell just now with the current market.

That is for a court to decide (the balance of equity).

You are still living as man-and-wife - one of you must move to the spare room - no conjugal visits - and you must stop doing anything for him - that includes cooking, washing, cleaning etc . See a solicitor and get a judicial separation. You cannot force him to leave a co=owned property unless you've a court order, which you arent going to get unless he's violent or a danger to you.

VivaLeBeaver · 27/10/2011 16:35

I would disagree that the evidence is on the phone. I think the evidence is in his behaviour. Nobody would act like that with their phone unless having an affair, especially when asked not to by their wife.

Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 27/10/2011 16:36

@troisgarcons
Thanks ..It has been hell .. but great for my waistline .. the leader at my slimming club asked me what my 'secret' was Hmm

I am considering saying to him give me your phone or leave .. I am going crazy ... I am so stressed ..

He is so twisted I'm not sure if he's just being more secretive to wind me up .. but what's on that blastic phone seems more important to him than our marriage!

OP posts:
VivaLeBeaver · 27/10/2011 16:36

And if he goes to work then he has time to have an affair, a physical affair. I've worked for a large company before and the amount of affairs that were conducted just in lunch time and sneaking off in work time was unbelievable.

ScareyFairenuff · 27/10/2011 16:40

Oh forget about the phone then. It's obvious he's cheating on you. You just need to decide whether to live with it or not. If it were me I would be getting advice from a solicitor.

He sounds selfish, childish and quite revolting tbh, treating you like that.

troisgarcons · 27/10/2011 16:43

LOL @ Beaver. yes, well I've worked for multi-nationals up town too - a lot of it goes on - the flirting, the lunches, the drinks after work, the snogging on the station platform whilst half cut.

@kirsty - you don't want the phone. it will be empty. Then what? All he'll do is flip it back on you and make you feel neurotic. Forget the phone. It's inconsequential.

The question is, what do you want to do with him? Can it be worked through? or do you want shot of him?

Right now you are at the 'OMG, how dare he? What will I do? how will I cope,? what about child?' stage. All those are dealt with after you've decided whether you have anything worth salvaging. It maybe he will force your hand and he'll decide the relationship is over.

TooEasilyTempted · 27/10/2011 16:44

I just have to agree with Viva. Just because he doesn't go out a lot doesn't mean nothing physical is going on. I speak from experience. Lunch breaks, 15 minutes after work, days off that you dont know about and he appears to go to work as normal. If you work somewhere really big like public sector type places you can literally disappear as and when you feel like for half an hour here and there without having to account for your whereabouts.

Ultimately it sounds as if the trust has Completely gone. Even if he handed over his phone would you be ok with that? You can't prove a negative, he can't prove that he's NOT having an affair but it doesn't sound like he even wants to try and reassure you.

Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 27/10/2011 16:45

You're right - he is revolting! Grin

He never speaks and gives me one word answers .. when I treated him the same way this morning he called his mum (who was over for a chat last night) this afternoon to ask if we had been talking about him as I was giving him the cold shoulder. The cheek of it!!!

She called me and told me about it and told him that we hadn't been. But I seemed vulnerable probably because he 'didn't know where he was' (he told her this a couple of weeks ago and has denied to her that he's having an affair too)

OP posts:
Original poster
KirstyWirsty · 27/10/2011 16:51

He has been seconded to work in the council the past two years so all the public sector disappearing rings true as well as the fact he moves about a lot to different offices and conferences (although never overnight)

The real truth (dare I say it out loud??) is that I don't love him. I despise him. He's a liar which is something that I cannot stand. I am a very open person and can't stand secrets and lies.

I don't want to have to share custody of my girl with him though when he's done this... I don't want to have weekends or weeks where I don't get to see her .. it breaks my heart to think about it :-(

OP posts:
troisgarcons · 27/10/2011 16:55

I don't want to have to share custody of my girl with him though when he's done this... I don't want to have weekends or weeks where I don't get to see her .. it breaks my heart to think about it :-(

That. my love, isn't for you to decide though. Just because you are pissed offf with him doesnt give you the right to prevent her having a relatinship with him.

Now you've come to terms with the fact you don't love him and despise him - the ball is in your court to end the marriage. Sooner rather than later, I personally found best. Otherwise it lingers like a bad smell! Good luck with what ever you decide to do.

KatieScarlett2833 · 27/10/2011 16:55

I am very glad for you that you don't love him. That is a good thing.

Trip to Lawyers, asap.

VivaLeBeaver · 27/10/2011 16:55

Kirsty, have an un-MN hug. (((((((((((((())))))))))))))

Chin up. Its shit, it really is. Not that I've ever been in this situation (touch wood).

I totally get what you you say about not wanting to share custody of your DD but likewise do you want to share your life with a man you despise? Do you want you dd growing up thinking this sort of relationship is normal?

You don't have to rush to make a decision. Maybe counselling on your own might be a good idea for you and help you think things through.

You only have one life, is he worth wasting it on?