Had a row and my DH was really, really bloody hurtful

[dejinglejags]

My Dh is normally so mild, albeit quite controlling.

So here is what happened - we went strawberry picking with his family. I have hurt my back and the sun was blazing (midday sun) so I elected to stay in the shade with DS2 whilst the others picked strawberries. To amuse DS2 I bought a punnet of strawberries and some mineral water to wash them with.

We happily sat in the shade stuffing our faces with strawberries until DH came back. He had a face like thunder and gave me a real telling off for using a little (probably half a pint) of mineral water to wash strawberries with. He accused me of wasting money and was pretty nasty.

I was really upset, I hadn't been bothering anybody and I really felt as if he was being deliberately otherwise. To put it in context, I had already had a telling off for not getting the directions his aunt gave me en-route to the bloody strawberry picking place and there have been numerous other occasions over the last two weeks where he has been really controlling.

Anyway I stupidly burst into tears because I felt so sad that my day had been ruined. DH then proceeded to ignore me on the way home until I stupidly (again) went off on one about him being so controlling - I screamed more than a bit. By this stage both kids were crying - DH then proceeded to throw all the coins in the car out of the window of the car in lieu of a demonstration on how I waste money - all the while hissing at me. DS1 then started to hit DH.

DH has just lost it - he has told me that I will no longer have access to one penny of his money, that he hates me and DS1 (DS1 heard this). DS1 was crying hysterically by the time we got home and DH left the house with me shouting at him not to take his bad mood out on poor DS.

I am devastated, who is this person who reared their ugly head today. He can sometimes be awful to me in the heat of an argument but to be so coldly mean to DS (who is four?).

The poor little lad is watching the tele, I am in tears and needed to vent.

Oh and to add insult to injury he told me that I deserved my abusive upbringing. He said that he finally agreed with my father - that it must be me who made my father lose it and that he couldn't believe he had stuck up for me all these years

'he has told me that I will no longer have access to one penny of his money'

You're married to the man there is no his and your it's both of yours surely....He sounds slightly mad. Are you guys having financial problems??? Sorry if that's too personal a question to ask.
But otherwise I can't see any reason why he'd go off on one over a half a bottle off mineral water....

I don't know what I can say to bring you comfort. I just wanted you to know that I read your posts.

I'm sorry that this happened to you. No one deserves to be treated like that and what he said about your father is more than out of order.

I hope someone comes along who can help.

oh dejags am so very sorry to read this. how very very hurtful for you and ds.
has this been building up for a while? (sorry I don't know the background)
he needs to apologise to you both, it sounds like he has really lost it. is he under a lot of pressure?

What a total prat (him not you)

I would get the kids ready, call a taxi and disappear for the day/night. Probably not the best idea but then thats just me. I would seriously be thinking about the future of my relationship, esspecially one so damaging to my children.

Sorry you are having a crap day.

I don't know how to advise you. I think it might be a good idea to get out of the house though with the kids until he has calmed down. Have you got family nearby?

dejingles, I don't know what to say but just wanted to send you some support. Is there anyone in RL you can turn to? I can't see why your strawberry and water buying should have caused such a row (are you and your dh very broke?). Personally I don't bother with washing fruit, and would have let my two help themselves to a few strawberries without worrying too much, but a few pounds "wasted" is no reason to be nasty, and what he said about your father abusing you is completely unacceptable, as saying anything so hurtful to a four year old. I would think seriously about your options. Good luck

Oh poor, poor ds1, that is so sad. And poor you, those are very harsh words.

It sounds like there are a lot of deep issues and old arguments going on here. It was only mineral water, ffs!!...But I don't think that that is the point somehow.
Will he calm down sufficiently to have a proper talk when he gets back? Will you? I should avoid him until you can keep a really, really calm cool head, then you can gain the upper ground and make him feel ridiculous for his outburst, and get a genuine apology.
'I hate you' seems like a very childish thing to say, and is unforgiveable to a child.

I hope you are able to sort this out when things have settled.

I can not believe what he has said -- it is awful to say thse things to an adult but what he said about your DS is totally unforgivable..

I could not love/stay with/respect any man who said those things and would be packing his stuff up now... but life ain't black and white so you need some serious talking -- but how he can recover this situation is beyond me...

Thanks all - I should set this in context. My DH is normally the mildest, loveliest man ever. He is a wonderful dad and the kids love him.

We are not broke - far from it. We are saving for a round the world trip and have been discussing in the last day or two what measures we can put into place to save money. I think he saw my "wasteage" as a threat to the trip - all for the matter of R3.00 (we are in South Africa). He very often comments on how I should or shouldn't spend money - it's one of his few faults and for the most part I tolerate it because he usually exceptionally generous when it comes to be and the kids.

I think he felt as if me and DS1 were ganging up on him (juvenile I know). He said I had split the family in two by setting our oldest against him - this is madness, we were happy as larry until the argument erupted.

I have just read DS1 a bit of Narnia and he seems ok.

DH thinks I totally over-reacted by bursting into tears and that I don't permit him an opinion. I don't see that's it's any of his business if I want to waste a little bit of water on washing a few strawberries (there was a sign that said all fruit should be washed before eating).

Confused

Do other people have these wild blow out arguments every once in a while - where a lot of hurtful BS is shovelled and not actually meant?

This happens at most once a year and never fails to shock me. I turn into a banshee and DH says terrible, terrible things and just cannot calm down.

Please tell me it does happen occasionally in other peoples houses/cars?

I guess so - about once a year. I tend to go silent and steam a lot. DH tends to say too much, storm out for an hour and come back to apologise. During this hour I spend time wondering about the practical side of divorce, making mental lists such as finances etc!! All ends well and we get on a treat for another twelve months or so. We never go to bed on an argument which helps - Dh always starts and finishes the argument but is good at letting them drop. HTH

there's nothing to excuse his behaviour (especially in front of the children) but it does sound like the actions of a very stressed individual. Is there anything that's happened in the last few weeks that has really got to him?

I think a lot of men, especially men who are otherwise very mild, have serious difficulties with their emotions, particularly anger. I think they just have no idea how to experience or deal with anger and it can lead to horrific situations like this. I imagine things have been building up internally for him for a while and this incident gets the blame, giving him an excuse to blow up and relieve the pressure.

Understanding why he has behaved like this may help but he still needs to apologise and put things right. I feel very sad for you especially as he has been so vile to your son

dejinglejags - poor you and ds.
honey, as adults sure we have our blow ups and horrible words are exchanged - but betwen adults. we get over it. it can be painful, it can hurt, but we move on...
but to say this to your son, oh my god he owes your little boy the biggest apology in the world and then some - that is so unacceptable, your poor little boy. i hope dh realises this. he needs to tell ds he never meant it.
i hope your ok x

Agree with gravity. Dh and I occasionally have our massive blowouts despite generally getting on really well. We both apologise, talk it through and it is forgotten. What he said to your ds (and tbh all the rest of the stuff in front of them) however is a different matter. Hope you are ok and talking about this with him sorts it out.

oh and i forgot to add, yep, dh and i fight like cat and dog in house, car etc.... and especially at this time of year, but try to avoid in front of kids at all costs. he has never said anything horrible to our kids ever, it would break dd's heart!!

wanna try make you smile.... will tell you this and hope you our dd is 2.7, dh and i were having mild words the other day (i still wish this hadnt been in front of her) something silly over christmas or something, dd says "stop it your naughty mummy, snap out of it" well excuse me dd!! take daddy's side, typical daddy's girl!

I'd agree with FrannyandZooey there, sometimes people who don't express their anger very often get it really wrong when they do. I know that I have this problem personally, although I'm a every few years girl and I do find that when I get going I get very carried away I'm trying to get better at showing when I am angry/upset at the beginning rather than when things have really built up, but it can be very hard. Do your dh's parents show their emptions much?

How awful for both you and ds. I hope he apologises to ds. No advice to give but I hope you are both ok.

Oh yes definitely. Always, apparently, about nothing - like yours - but they go from first gear to fifth in no time, and leave me afterwards feeling battered, bruised and sensitive, and scratching my head, wondering 'what the hell happened there?' or 'what on Earth was all that about'.

Dp says things to get a reaction - his arguing style is that when backed into a corner he fights using any tactic available (verbally, I mean), and so when we have one of these blow outs that is why they get escalate, because he plays dirty. I am actually very measured when I argue, until he makes spiteful or personal digs that can make me tip over the edge - he is the only person that makes me loose it. Like you it is about once a year, but afterwards we always talk at length, apologise genuinely, and make ourselves clear to the other person, so it often has a positive outcome.

There always turns out to be a root cause that could have much more easily been sorted out by talking in a grown up way, and the root cause is not always obvious from the argument.

Your dp was angry that he didn't feel you were saving for your trip but didn't express that clearly or constructively. You cried because you were shocked/hurt/feeling bullied, which made him feel guilty, manipulated and still angry about the money but unheard while you were floored by his extreme reaction to what was apparently nothing...and off you both went, over the edge.

Are you on holiday there, or do you have relatives staying with you there? Is he feeling stressed out about them or something else about your current situation and he transferred that stress to a concrete issue that he could take out on you?

I'm glad it is starting to be sorted. Don't worry about the blow outs - at least you can recognise them and deal with them.

Message withdrawn

I really do understand where you are coming from here. This happened to me and my dh for several years, it was almost as if the thing that triggered it all was the last straw that broke the camels back. I hope you understand what I mean.
I found that my dh had trouble expressing his emotions and feelings to me and he often said what he thought that I wanted to hear just to avoid any sort of conflict. After a while it was too much for us both and one of us would ?let rip? at the other at the smallest and most petty thing. I would find myself saying things to dh that I knew would hurt him on purpose. I think I did this because I wanted a reaction from him and sometimes just a conversation where he told me how he really felt, not what he thought he should feel. I knew that if I made him angry enough he did not think about what he said before he said it and the result was that he did tell me his real feelings and emotions over things, not what he thought he should say or feel. I hope that this is making some sort of sense?
I think our annual ?blow-up? was because he really could not express his emotions and I hated living with a person who would never tell me the truth about things but what they thought I wanted to hear. A relationship like this just does not work. You need to learn to communicate and go back to basics. I do not mean to be condescending or anything but do you and your dh ever just sit down and have a conversation about something that is instigated by him and does he ever just talk to you for the sake of communication about silly little things? I found that going to a psychologist and finally via my GP we went to Relate that we learnt how to communicate. Prior to this I thought that our communication was fine but looking back with honesty I realised that it was me who always started off the conversation and if I did not talk then we did not talk. He did not know how to express emotions or even hold a simple conversation. He used humour a lot to hide his lack of communication skills but we sorted it out with help.
I am not saying that this is your problem with your dh, but I do not think that you should feel guilty over it. It takes two to have an argument like this and it will take two to sort it out. I think that if you could get to see a Relate counsellor that you may well find that after a few sessions you have worked out why there seems to be this problem in your relationship.
With regard to your ds overhearing I would suggest, although I may be wrong! that you explain to him that Mummy?s and Daddy?s can sometimes get cross with each other but that not only do you both love your ds very much and always will but that you and dh also love each other and are very sorry now that you were horrid and that your ds has the right to be cross with you both just as long as he understands that you both love him and it is not his fault. I think that he will soon forget what was said and if you get to the ?root? of the problem then hopefully he will never be witness to it happening again.
I wish you and your family a lot of love and good wishes for the New Year and I hope that although we are all different that there is someone out there in RL who can help you both sort this out if that is what you want.
Good luck and lots of Christmas love and blessings.

Gosh dejags, this is awful, I'm so sorry, he's utterly wrong about your upbringing, you know that. And HIS money? Tell him in law and morally there is no HIS money, you are married and so there is no such thing. Poor you, it sounds horrible. x

dejags, really sorry to hear how upset you are and yes, whatever his motivation for the argument he was 100% wrong to drag DS1 in and to say that you are responsible for your father's behaviour when you were young.

This sounds very similar to how our family worked when our kids were small. We would get into exactly this sort of situation, where he bottled up all his frustrations about everything and then let fly about something trivial; and it did escalate, partly because I took everything he said personally and at face value, and partly because I insisted on pursuing the argument in an effort to get him to backtrack/apologise - it never worked, just made things worse, eventually after 2 or 3 days of not-speaking things would creep back to normal. (The kids did get caught in the crossfire but no lasting damage...I think!)

These days I pretty much let him rant and ignore until it's out of his system. Hope the 2 of you can sort things out soon. XXX

thanks everybody. Things are still pretty crap and he says that because I rant in front of the kids (exactly as you describe JanH in an attempt to get him to apologise) that I am damaging them the way my mother damaged me (although the two situations are worlds apart).

We normally communicate very well, so I'll take this at face value and hope that tomorrow will be a better day. He knows me so well and can manipulate me better than anybody else on the planet.

JanH - your story sounds so familiar. More and more I let things go, so this is happening less and less often and I will pray that I havent damaged the kids.