Had a row and my DH was really, really bloody hurtful

[dejinglejags]

My Dh is normally so mild, albeit quite controlling.

So here is what happened - we went strawberry picking with his family. I have hurt my back and the sun was blazing (midday sun) so I elected to stay in the shade with DS2 whilst the others picked strawberries. To amuse DS2 I bought a punnet of strawberries and some mineral water to wash them with.

We happily sat in the shade stuffing our faces with strawberries until DH came back. He had a face like thunder and gave me a real telling off for using a little (probably half a pint) of mineral water to wash strawberries with. He accused me of wasting money and was pretty nasty.

I was really upset, I hadn't been bothering anybody and I really felt as if he was being deliberately otherwise. To put it in context, I had already had a telling off for not getting the directions his aunt gave me en-route to the bloody strawberry picking place and there have been numerous other occasions over the last two weeks where he has been really controlling.

Anyway I stupidly burst into tears because I felt so sad that my day had been ruined. DH then proceeded to ignore me on the way home until I stupidly (again) went off on one about him being so controlling - I screamed more than a bit. By this stage both kids were crying - DH then proceeded to throw all the coins in the car out of the window of the car in lieu of a demonstration on how I waste money - all the while hissing at me. DS1 then started to hit DH.

DH has just lost it - he has told me that I will no longer have access to one penny of his money, that he hates me and DS1 (DS1 heard this). DS1 was crying hysterically by the time we got home and DH left the house with me shouting at him not to take his bad mood out on poor DS.

I am devastated, who is this person who reared their ugly head today. He can sometimes be awful to me in the heat of an argument but to be so coldly mean to DS (who is four?).

The poor little lad is watching the tele, I am in tears and needed to vent.

Just re-read the replies.

I totally agree with those of you who pointed out that men and especially those who are calm and mild mannered do have difficulty expressing emotion, in particular anger.

My DH gets irritable and stressed instead of angry. Then once in a while he just goes into orbit. You can almost seeing him inflating, this has been coming for a few weeks. I probably have not helped the situation by screaming at him.

Wow, don't know how to express my amazement at this... I could kind of understand if you'd washed the strawberries in champagne or something. I feel so very sad for you and just wanted you to know that what you've written acctually reduced me to tears, sounds like jekell and hyde.

I think he has some major apologising to do to both you and DS.

What concerns me is that you seem to accept that his treating you like this is okay - in that you are already talking about being better tomorrow before he has even begun to make amends for his behaviour today.

I know the abuse you suffered as a child and I do worry that you are allowing this to cloud what is acceptable behaviour from your DH.

To say you hate your child, is just, well - I'm speechless. How do you begin to rationalise such a statement from an adult - from a parent

I really disagree with you. He is not a nice person nor a good father. Someone who fits that bill would never contemplate making such a statement.

The whole situation of being in SA and you hating it, him refusing to listen to you and so on, is just so controlling. This layered on top of it makes him sound like a selfish, self centred pig of a man!

I'd make him walk over hot coals before welcoming him back into a relationship with me, I really would!

Soapbox, I agree with you to a certain extent. But he actually is a very nice man, honest.

He said he hates us in a very childish way - similar to a young child and I am not sure that DS took it to heart too much. Him and his dad are normally very, very close.

There is no way I accept the situation and I do expect a full apology. I think what I meant is that I hope tomorrow I can approach things slightly less hysterically - I am known for being a bit of a drama queen .

He can be a bit of a grumpy bear but nothing aggressive, he has also made a concerted effort to allow me to make my choice about where we live by fixing the logistical issues which were preventing us from going around the world - I won't go into it now but this was no mean feat.

Thanks for your concern, certainly food for thought.

oh and should add - he has made up with DS, he adores him and has never before said anything remotely nasty to the kids.

He rightly points out that I am the one who screams and shouts, he just keeps quiet. So both at fault here I think.

I feel that I need to justify this by saying again that this only happens once a year or so.

I went all hot under the collar when I wrote that - it just all seems so unfair for you

Perhaps I let my fingers run away with me!!

I do hope that you manage to resolve all this.

FWIW perhaps you have both had a prolonged feeling of being unsettled and not quite happy with where you are, locationally and relationship wise (wider relationships not just you and DH). Maybe all this unsettledness is starting to bite and this is the lashback!

Whar did you say to him, were you pretty vile too????

Even the mildest man is allowed to lose the plot occasionally and flip into orbit.

No one is allowed to tell their child that they hate them.

I know he's your dh and you love him and feel obliged to stand up for him here, but he really was seriously out of order. Him saying it childishly makes no difference to a young child.

I think you should think about some form of counselling.

I am ashamed to say that I was quite vile - I said he was a freak because he was so controlling . I also can't bear being ignored so tend to shout a lot.

I actually sometimes feel a bit sorry for him.

Then I remind myself that it was a bit of water - he thinks it's ok to have a go at me about wasting the equivalent of 25p and I don't. As far as I am concerned this is just a tad too controlling and I won't have it - I am no shrinking violet

I got into a sulk, he just went off the deep end and things got worse and worse.

What a crap day.

ggg - do you really think that for one incident in 4.5 years he really needs counselling??

Standing up for him aside, I just don't. I know my DH and he adores his boys. He is far more calm with them and has never ever done anything other than put them first.

This really was a once off incident as far as DS1 is concerned and relates to the fact that DS is being exceptionally difficult lately (totally unrelated).

I am probably going to get flamed here but this thread was more of a rant than anything. This man is not an abuser, he adores his kids, he (for the most part) absolutely adores me and has been my rock throughout my bad days with my folks and PND.

I think I am right to feel a bit protective of him, perhaps I was wrong to post about this.

Soapbox, I totally agree with you about being unsettled, it stresses all of us.

We have realised we made our mistakes and are currently in the process of trying to decide what's best for the family. Perhaps the constant underlying stress is just coming out to play here.

Dejags - all of us struggle with one-off incidents in other people's lives. It is the fascination of MN in a way that we get to see things in people's lives that our RL friends would only occasionally share.

You are in the best place to judge what is best for you from your relationship - not us. We can give you food for thought or the occasional insight from our own experiences, but only you know what is important to you.

I hope this all calms down tomorrow. But to keep the upper hand I would insist that DH goes and buys DS a little something, wraps it up and puts a great bit 'I am sorry' card in with it. Grand gestures will count for a lot with DS and he has to know from DH just how out of order he was!!!

Actually, djags, I would have done the same (ranted about dh and then defended him!) but I meant more for the both of you - to give you both some space to talk and also to learn how not to rake up sh*t - like your childhood - in rows.

For what it is worth, I think he will remember and feel bad about yelling at your ds for far longer than your ds will

All's well ends well.

DH was very sorry this morning for his behaviour, as was I. He acknowledged that this sort of behaviours is OTT and I was happy to put my hand up and say sorry for screaming at him in front of the kids.

We have both been under considerable stress lately regarding our impending round-the-world trip, application for migration to Australia and the fact that our house is due for a major renovation (starts in less than three weeks time).

Thanks for all your input.

He has spoken with DS1 who seems absolutely fine.

We had a terrible row in front of the kids a few months ago, and they did get distressed (both of them started to hug me a lot, which was probably a bit unfair because dh was actually far more upset than I was). I sat down with them afterwards and told them that Mum and Dad had had a bit of a tantrum (at 5 and 6 they throw a few of these too!) and that we were really sorry about it. I don't think that we said anything nasty about the kids, but it was very heated, so who knows, I guess . They were fine about it, and didn't seem too worried. In some ways I think it is quite good to show your emotions in front of the childrn, so long as you also show you can make up and say sorry too. This is good modelling, and also shows them that you have emotions too. Maybe in the long run it will help them to show their emotions more easily too IYSWIM?

Thanks Nooka, that was a lovely post and exactly what I needed to hear.

I do feel absolutely awful that the kids got in the middle. We have discussed it with DS1 on his own level and hopefully that will be the end of it.

I am glad that you are feeling better dejinglejags.

I am sorry that I had no advice to offer you, as many other Mnetters are a lot more sensible than me, but your 'story' bought a tear to my eye and you have been in my thoughts. I hope that things continue to be alright and I am glad that you found the suppory/help that you needed here. Isn't Mumsnet great?

I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and do not worry, at no point did I think that your dh was a 'bad' person, but that you were a couple who had a problem and you needed a snesible sounding board. The advice you got I felt gave you a lot to think about and made me realise how lucky I really am to have a dh who I have a strong relationship with and any couple who says to me "we never argue" I would suggest have an abnormal relationship.

I hope that you have a wonderful New Year.
Love Bunglie XX

nooka's advice is always worth bottling as always!! i love your perspective on things x

dejinglejags - i'm happy for you things have worked out - put it behind you and move on.

best wishes and have a safe and happy new year honey xxxx

thank you

best wishes for you a great new year for you too!