Just read a bit of DH's history...

[MadFool]

I have just read a newspaper report of an incident from a few years back prior to me getting together with my dh.

Apparently he assaulted a female - I think it was an ex and had been charged with common assault. This was after he had killed a kitten, banned from keeping animals for five years.

We have been married a few years with one dd.

He had told me that he had drunkenly assaulted a male outside a pub - liar!

I feel sick to me stomach, and just needed to tell someone. What do I do?

It doesn't look good. I wouldn't speak to him. Try and find out as much as you can, and read up on abusers. Please, please keep yourself safe.

He is not a good Dad. A good father does not abuse the mother of his child. Verbally or otherwise. Because what affects you will affect the child. You cannot seperate it.

Anyone who can kill a kitten is a psycho. This is not what a decent person does. Protect yourself and your child. Get out. I seriously hope you have no pets.

Newspapers have been known to make things up exagerrate, however. I think you need to find out a bit more info about this before you go in with all guns firing. Hope you're ok, OP.

How would a newspaper 'exaggerate' killing a cat and assaulting his ex?

Oh yeah- he was giving his ex the Heimlich manoevure as she was choking to death and then he accidentally killed her and she landed on the cat?????

MardyArsedMidlander
"and then he accidentally killed her and she landed on the cat?????"

A perfect example of exaggeration, and jumping to a conclusion.

My ds killed a kitten....... Ran over it with his fisher price trolley. He was 1 !! He refuses to believe it now he is 13, but he did. Was v

A lot of people have lost their temper and been verbally aggresive; doesnt make them homicidal maniacs who cannot be trusted with their children.

I'd be more interested who wants to screw up his present life though? jealous ex? Fallen out with a work collegue? Who would want to damage your relationship so much that they would risk your child being brought up by a lone parent? Who hates him so much?

I'd also be wondering who has chosen to enlighten you as to his past, and why? What's in it for them?

People can and do change (although killing a kitten is pretty fucked up) and it could be that he's so disgusted and ashamed of his past he's lied, because lets face it, who wants to tell someone they love that they beat up their ex and killed a defenceless animal.

But your description of him as verbally aggressive with a tendency to lose his temper is worrying and suggests he hasn't conquered his anger management issues.

If it went to court and he was banned from keeping animals for five years, it wasn't for an accident.

Without getting into the whole semantics of how the kitten was killed (and there is with malicious intent and, well not with malice of forethought) and there again, I've known someone get a conviction for common assault when it was no more than mutual shoving and pushing unfortunately in public because voices were raised and the police were called ~ a lot depends on the ability to pay a solicitor or getting a LA one. And women, especially young women, are far more aggressive these days and think nothing of throwing the first slap/punch etc and in the freedom of equality we enjoy - we can expect men to lose all chivalrous intent and slap the woman right back.

Great headline grabber though "man kills cat and convicted of assaulting partner". Especially with no actual story there.

I wouldn't say anything to him yet. If I were the OP I'd be very interested to know why someone had told me and why they'd told me now. I'd also check the story in the local newspapers and even ask the police about the assault.

The motive of the person who sent the cutting may be one of several. It may be somone who is worried for you, MadFool, even perhaps someone close, who doesn't want to approach you personally for fear of not being believed and being the "messenger who gets shot".

There are plenty of people who believe women should be warned about their partners' past behaviour. There is even a campaign for a 'Clare's Law' under which women could ask, or be told, about it.

Hurting pets is one of the well-known 'red flags' of an abusive person. It's surprisingly common.

It doesn't normally extend to killing an animal though. It cannot have been accidental if there was a five year ban, though this does assume that the newspaper has the story correct. (It's also one of the clinical indications of a psychopath, but that's another story.)

Either way, anyone who deliberately kills a kitten is not someone who values life or has any empathy. This is a person who may well seem capable of expressing love and tenderness when it suits him but it's all false. As soon as you challenge someone like this, that coldness will be turned in your direction.

The proportion of abusive men who change their ways is about 5%. What are the odds he's one of the 5%? He's already been abusive and has anger problems. The facts are speaking for themselves really.

MadFool I'm so sorry you've just been hit with this. You must be feeling shell-shocked, even if deep down you already had suspicions about his behaviour.

Is there anywhere you can go? Can you go stay with a friend and leave a note on the kitchen table that there's been an emergency? Use the time to find out more, if possible.

I really don't think you should confront him with this right now unless you can have someone there to support you. It's possible he'd just break down and cry, but it's equally possible he'll be furious and take it out on you simply because you are there.

If you go to stay with someone, I also don't think you should tell him that you know until you are ready to have that conversation with him. If it is true if you let him know beforehand he will use the time to come up with some very plausible excuses that will have you doubting your own mind, let alone a newspaper report.

I'm so sorry and hope you get some support to deal with this.

Massive, huge, RED FLAGS!! A man who is capable of hurting a tiny kitten and someone he is supposed to care about is a sociopath. Sick twat. Run, run, run, please OP. I would bet every penny I have that he will hurt you, if you stay and that staying would be a dreadful decision.

Here we go - no history of violence with the OP, brilliant father and the 'leave him, he'll do the same to you' comes roaring out of the woodwork.

The OP is best placed to judge whether to show him the email.... infact that would be a good idea - just show him the email and ask what it's about.

Because abusive men seem to work to a script, troisgarcons, which many of us here recognize. Because there is history of the man treating OP abusively already: "he has been verbally aggressive, and does lose his temper." Because the script of the partner who is victim of abuse is to downplay it. Because nobody should have to deal with verbal abuse in their own homes, and intimidating displays of temper.

I am concerned that you think that "nothing more than mutual shoving and pushing" is acceptable between partners or ex-partners. It's not.

Great headline grabber though "man kills cat and convicted of assaulting partner". Especially with no actual story there.

As a journalist, I find that a startling thing to say. If a man is convicted of assault, and banned from keeping animals after killing a kitten, then as far as the law is concerned he did both of those things and to suggest there's no substance there is - well delusional is the word that springs to mind.

I would be devastated if I discovered something like this about my dh, simply because he would not be the man I know.

So it's ok to hit someone if they hit you first? Oh thanks for clearing that up Troisgarcons, now I can belt DD when she lashes out, get that lesson in nice and early.

I am concerned that you think that "nothing more than mutual shoving and pushing" is acceptable between partners or ex-partners. It's not.

One thing I dislike about all online forums is the way other posters project what they think you have said or are thinking.

FWIW - I think having a stand up barney in the street is common. I also think it's a complete over reaction to call the police when there is a load of finger wagging, hands on hipping, effing and blinding, and prodding going on. On the other hand if you intervene then you run the risk of getting slap (having been told once or twice when witnessing such things after an evening out up town and on the way home from work, the lady/girl in question would rather you 'fucked off and minded your own business' braking off from shreiking like a banshee from her bemused partner)

Getting a criminal conviction for acting like a fishwife and what ever the male equivalent is, is IMHO a bit OTT.

We will agree to differ.

@robot

I could go through todays papers and probably find you 10 sensational headlines that bear no resemblance to the stories contained within. Our media is largely irresponsible in its reporting. Of course headline grabbers sell papers which is what journalists are paid to do.

Menawhile back at the OP!

I still want to know who sent the article and why. I want to know what the article said. But I'm never going to know am I? So thats that. Another half story on the internet. sigh

Troigarcons, you really have no clue about domestic violence and the dynamic of such relationships. For that you should consider yourself fortunate.

Maybe one partner is yelling at the other because they are desperate to let off steam and know they wont be hit in public. That "bemused partner" you describe often takes great pleasure in provoking their partner to lose it while they remain the calm and rational one.

And no you wont be thanked for intervening. Just as the police are often sent away by a sobbing spouse saying nothing's wrong, because five minutes before they arrives their OH has threatened to kill them or harm their kids if they speak to the police. That same OH can then offer their "see what I have to put up with" smirk to the officers.

You are giving the distasteful impression that this "story" is boring you. If that's the case, why bother posting?

Would you not have the right to see the police files regarding this, given that he was charged/convicted and that you are the wife? I thought that they had brought something in to enable this sort of thing?

MadameWooOOoovary

you are projecting an awful lot given the very little information that we have.

For all those who think outrage and suspicion are an over-reaction, I'd like to know if you've ever hurt an animal deliberately in any way or if you've ever assaulted anyone.

I expect that that answer is 'no' to both. (If it is 'yes', then I'm sorry but you lose the right to expect to have your opinion taken seriously IMO).

If the answer is 'no', would you be happy to live with someone capable of hurting an animal and killing it to the extent that they were banned from keeping animals for 5 years? Especially since most cases don't make it as far as court, as like all other crimes it has to be considered severe enough and in the public interest enough to warrant it.

Likewise with a domestic violence assault - the vast majority of which result in a caution, not a conviction (and most are never reported in the first place). DV perpetrators do not change. Their 'MO' may alter over time, and the severity of the abuse may differ between partners depending on the partner's vulnerability, but the underlying sense of entitlement does not and therefore the abuser always remains a risk. I would never consider a relationship with a known abuser (even if he claims provocation/she was as bad as he was, etc) and would instantly end a relationship with someone I found out was one. My XP managed to hide his true colours for a number of years with me, until the day he decided to strangle me when I suddenly opposed him over something (and no, I didn't provoke him in any way ).

If you want to take that gamble with yourself and those you care about, feel free. I wouldn't and I wouldn't advise anyone else to, either.

That said, I agree that the first thing the OP needs to do is check out the truth of the newspaper article. It would be lunacy to end a marriage on the basis of something not fully understood or proven.

I expect it's a moot point, since the post was written yesterday and the OP was expecting her H back that evening.

MadFool - I hope you've reached some sort of resolution either way.

@ Troisgarcons - of course there are misleading headlines out there but what has that got to do with this situation? We are told that

a) he was charged with common assault
b) he was banned from keeping animals for five years for killing a kitten

That's not a misleading headline, those are bald, black and white facts.

OP - you say he was charged, was he convicted?