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Relationships

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Original poster

Sexual compatibility??

29 replies

anonquandary · 25/10/2011 21:15

Ok so I know it's not Friday and I'm likely to be flamed/ called a troll or hairy trucker but rest assured I'm not. I'm not here to offend anyone or draw attention to myself. Just want an honest answer.

After coming out of a long-term relationship, and spending a night with someone I realised something about myself that I suppose I've always known was there - that I'm into a bit of kinkier sex.

Problem is I attract totally the opposite kind of guy. I've tried to explain to one or two and they are either shocked or just don't get it. My current fella I've just started to date doesn't really get it either and he's is too nice for me take him seriously even if he did try. Lovely guy though.

I don't know what to do. Should I just forget it and bury this part of me because it looks like I'm never going to find someone who is compatible the way I want? I've had a look at various sites but they all seem like 'hook-ups' and that generally isn't me, for my own safety primarily. I keep thinking, well I did it for xx amount of years, what's the difference now?
Yet the thought of turning back on what I really want is a bit depressing. I've tasted the excitement I felt and now want more but with someone I trust completely.

I just want a perspective on this. I know sex isn't the be all and end in a relationship but after spending a lot of time with my ex sexless because he didn't want to I know it can put a strain on a relationship. Would you settle for anyone who is sexually incompatible with you and who you think is a bit - well - boring in bed??

OP posts:

izzywhizzysfritenite · 25/10/2011 21:26

How much more kinky than the missionary position is 'kinkier'? Are you talkiing bondage, s&m, - are you submissive or dominant?

Original poster

anonquandary · 25/10/2011 21:32

all of the above bar dominant

OP posts:

AKissIsNotAContract · 25/10/2011 21:36

So am I. You shouldn't have too much trouble finding a comPatible partner, there are plenty out there.

Original poster

anonquandary · 25/10/2011 21:43

Really AKiss? I think it's me. I have such a dominant persoanlity out of the bedroom men expect me to be the same way when we hit the sheets and don't like it, or get it, when I'm the opposite.

OP posts:

BearWith · 25/10/2011 21:47

I've been thinking about this issue lately and I think you shouldn't compromise on something like sexual compatibility, it's just not worth it. There are definitely people out there who like things a bit, errm, racier, so it seems a shame to settle for so much less if that's not really what you're about.

Its a difficult one because at what point do you mention it before you are already embroiled in a relationship with someone very boring sexually? I suppose you could view it like a useful filter, i.e if they are put off they weren't right for you anyway. But saying that as a woman is pretty hypocritical because if a bloke I knew said he was into the above when we didn't know each other very well I'd run a mile! Perhaps it's different when a woman says she's into kinky stuff as a way of testing the water, dunno.

Original poster

anonquandary · 25/10/2011 21:54

BearWith. Exactly. When do you bring it up? I know if someone had of said it to me two years ago I would have been slightly curious but would have backed off sharpish simply because it was the unknown.

Yes the thought of settling for less does bring me down. I did it with my last relationship. Him not wanting to have sex for 3 months to 1 year at a time and me with a high sex drive. Caused a lot of tension!

OP posts:

BlondeBatgirl · 25/10/2011 21:58

Do not settle for less! My dh and I are on the same level, and while its not as often anymore, its still bloody good after 7yrs together! We're both very open and have been from the start! It makes a huge difference!

ant3nna · 25/10/2011 22:00

I'm like you, dominant everywhere except during sex. The last bloke I was really into was a really lovely guy but boy, was he naughty in the bedroom. We didn't really discuss it until we actually slept together the first time. I sort of hinted that I liked it when he accidentally pulled my hair and we gradually started playing more roughly with each other as part of the initial exploring each other stuff. Making me wish I was still with him, writing this because we had a lot of kinky fun with each other.

They are out there, don't give up!

Original poster

anonquandary · 25/10/2011 22:16

I sort of did tell the current fella a little the other night after a couple of drinks and he admitted it made him a little uncomfortable. I told him I understood as for years men are told respect women etc etc - I tell my own ds that!! It can be hard for men to differentiate. He already knows I like my hair being pulled and is happy enough to do that :)

We are meant to be heading away for the night on Friday so maybe a bit of time for him to mull it over between now and then will be good. Slip the Screw the Roses book into his bag

Yes ant3nna sometimes I wish I was close at hand to the one who made me realise this about myself. They were good nights.

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ant3nna · 25/10/2011 22:24

I get you with the respect thing. There are different ways men can show respect though. I always felt utterly respected by this guy and I know that he wouldn't have done anything to me that I didn't agree to - much better than ignoring what I wanted in bed so that it was no fun for me.

Have you slept with the new fella yet? Perhaps he will feel differently if he tries a few things out and sees you enjoying them.

BlondeBatgirl · 25/10/2011 22:31

I agree you need to try things out. If it doesnt feel right for one or the other then try something else. My dh and I have tried things that didnt do it for us, we just laugh about it and do something else.
Have you tried mentioning it during sex?? Normally people tend to feel more adventurous in the moment and try out different things that they wouldnt think of doing normally, and than think afterwards, "actually i quite like that!"
Thats what happened with us!

Original poster

anonquandary · 25/10/2011 22:36

Totally. I wouldn't put myself into a kinky sex situation with a guy if he didn't respect me. Too much could go wrong.

Yes I have. Though we have probably jumped into bed quite quickly by most people's standards we have been friends for a year. He can be quite shy when it comes about talking about sex. I've been trying to get him to tell me things he likes so it's not all one-sided although he has told me he is fairly inexperienced (last year was the first time he'd ever given a girl oral sex as his previous long-term partner didn't like it - he's 35!!)

OP posts:

Original poster

anonquandary · 25/10/2011 22:37

That's what I did with the hair-pulling thing BlondeBat - mentioned it during sex and he didn't complain. Maybe I should just start doing that more often.

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BlondeBatgirl · 25/10/2011 22:42

Just make sure its all lighthearted, no pressure. Then no one feels bad if something doesnt happen! Being able to laugh is the key to a good sex life! :)

Original poster

anonquandary · 25/10/2011 22:47

Yeah I will Blondebat. He was able to crack a joke about the dog's chain earlier on the phone that we had a laugh about so I'm hoping he's going to take my openness in his stride. No pressure from me - there's nothing worse than sexual desperation from someone :)

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BlondeBatgirl · 25/10/2011 22:48

He sounds like a nice bloke!
Dog chain????

Original poster

anonquandary · 25/10/2011 22:55

a joke.

Anyway thank you ladies for your lovely replies. You've made me feel a bit better about the situation and cleared my head about not settling for less than I want.

Nice to see other kinky souls on MN too

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izzywhizzysfritenite · 25/10/2011 23:10

Oliver Cromwell and those bloody missionaries have got a lot to answer for [hgrin]

BertieBotts · 25/10/2011 23:16

I had a similar thing with DP - don't want to go into details about levels of kinkiness etc, but yeah, some things developed in our relationship after several months which I was very happy about and he also really enjoyed as it happened, but would have run a mile if I'd mentioned it near the beginning of our relationship, I suspect.

My thinking is that either you go for the introducing the idea slowly thing and see how it goes, but be prepared for a hard decision if you really like them but it turns out they're not into that kind of thing. Or find a discussion/dating website which focuses on that kind of thing and seek out someone who understands it from the start. Though the usual dating website precautions apply, and with S&M stuff I'd probably advise being extra careful just because you're putting a lot of trust on someone holding you in a particularly vulnerable position.

Original poster

anonquandary · 25/10/2011 23:52

No I wouldn't ask for levels, just like I don't want to reveal mine Bertie. Not the place for it. Thank you for your input.

I'm kind of planning to drip, drip, drip at it atm. I have been part of discussion websites for a couple of months (before current man) though I've made it perfectly clear I'm not there to hook up with anyone just generally chat with people and kind of get more of a flavour of what I like and don't.

It would worry me tbh meeting someone off those sort of sites. I'm not into randomers and would need to be able to put my trust fully in someone which is why I would like it be someone I know and trust through other ways first. I'm also not into the whole public play thing so there is no point in getting involved in the only local group there is where I live.

OP posts:

SolidGoldVampireBat · 26/10/2011 13:11

A relationship won;t work out long term if you want really different things sexually. Well, not unless you are happy to keep the relationship open (some people do and it suits them just fine). An awful awful lot of people are actually quite comfortable with mild kink, a little roleplay, maybe light bondage etc, but just don't identify as kinky.
One of the reasons The Secretary was such a useful little film - it provided a great non-threatening way to introduce the subject with a partner.
Best of luck OP.

BearWith · 26/10/2011 13:44

Hurrah, I love that film. Yes, it introduced me to my kinky side that I didn't even know was there.

Original poster

anonquandary · 26/10/2011 14:58

I would like a lot more than mild sgb. He thinks using handcuffs is kinky fgs. If I ever showed him what I have stashed in my room/ looked through my internet history, I'm sure he would freak at this present moment in time.

Funny I have seen The Secretary in his dvd collection. I should probably ask him nonchalantly next time I'm there what he thought of it. Use it as a tester.

Suppose I just have to wait and see if he turns out to be the dominant man of my dreams and if not, rethink and find someone who will be. Last night waffling on here cleared my head enough to realise I settled for less sexually once. I'm a totally different person now. I'm not scared to acknowledge to myself what I want anymore and I would be taking a backward step if I settled for less again.

OP posts:

SolidGoldVampireBat · 26/10/2011 15:14

Yup, if he's got the film it's worth asking him what he thought of it and taking things from there. He may be doing what a lot of people do when dating someone they didn't meet through the fetish scene, which is downplaying his own kinkiness in case he scares you off.

maleview70 · 26/10/2011 15:41

If you are dominant in relationships then you may find it difficult to find a man who will be happy with that yet is then expected to be dominant in the bedroom. I think most men like to be one or the other in both situations. There will of course be exceptions!

As for not setling for somone who you are sexually incompatible? I think if everyone didnt settle to a degree then there would be a lot more divorces out there! You read things on here where some women havent had sex for over a year and yet they are still with their partners! Lots of people settle for mediocre sex.

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