Sensitive wording needing for a 7yo boy never invited to parties...

[ragged]

DS is in y3. He got two party invites in y1 (only one of which he went to) and none since.

He thought he would be invited to a party on November 6th at a venue we know well, but I know invites are out & DS definitely not got one.

Closer to date DS will probably be very adamant that he must go, & has been invited. I need to be prepared with tactful words for reassuring DS and helping him let go of the idea. A "You can't go to all the parties" line would be wrong, given that DS effectively never goes to any of the parties. All I can think of at the moment is something sympathetic about his disappointment, and that party guests cost money so not everybody can be invited, so it's very hard to choose...er... (sounds pants, really).

I am thinking we'll do some kind of slightly special outing instead, to help DS feel less like he missed out. I still need to know what to say, though. He tends to be quite emotional/high strung, and emotionally immature, so it needs to be a simple explanation, probably.

Just trawling for ideas what to say, if you have any! TIA.

is the host one of his friends?

can you arrange something else that he would like to do? can you say, oh it's a shame you can't go as we have this other great thing booked... if not given that he knew about the date in advance it could be a useful "distraction" to have something else lined up?

Also, can you ask him why he thinks he's invited? so you can get him to see that no invitation has been given to him; and also why he thinks he might not be asked? Is he good friends with the birthday person, is it a big or a small party etc

sorry, I meant can you say to him that you have something else arranged, as a reason for him not being able to go.

Also have a DS in yr3. IME numbers invited to parties has gone down hugely since yrR when whole class invites were common. DS has been to one birthday cinema outing where only 5 were invited & one at Laserquest where only 3 from class plus some cousins were invited. There have been others where he has not been included.

I think you're right to say not everyone is invited and cost is a reason. I would possibly try to pre-empt him with an 'I hear child is having a small party at wherever and he can only have some of the class'. this way he will understand when it raises it's head in school. If you're up for it I would also tell him now there'll be a limit on the number of people he can have at his own birthday - getting across a sort of all kids have limits put on them by parents message.

Is there any reason why he is not getting invited? It seems very mean if there are lots of parties and he doesnt get included in any of them :(

Does he have a party for his own birthday? Did he have friends come to that?

If he thinks he's been invited but you've not had an invite are you certain he's just not brought it home from school.

My eldest 2 kids are terrible with this. this hasn't just happened with party invites but other stuff - info for governors training for example arriving home 6 weeks after the training had happened. School now e-mail me everything.

Ask his teacher in a general way, about info not getting home, not specifically invites and get him/her to check.

LD

Yes, I agree with Lancsdad, at my DS's school it is fine to ask the Mum holding the party, not for an invitation, we all know not everyone can/should be invited, but that our DS's have not been invited if they think they are (always seems to be the boys that leave the invitations at school!)

I am thinking I will double check his classroom tray.
I am far beyond caring about the lack of party invites, I just care about DS's disappointment. He may have heard about the party and excitedly asked "Can I come?!" and told yes just to keep him happy, I don't expect a 7yo to stick to his word in that situation, but DS would be hurt nonetheless.

The problem with saying "They can't invite "everybody" is what if it's a big party & DS feels like everybody else got invited. Although to be fair he's usually pretty oblivious to that kind of thing, so it might be the only strategy.

Gawd I don't want to directly ask his mum about it in any way; I would feel like such a prat. She's very laid back & very nice, gave a lift to DS home from footie last night, actually, which was incredibly helpful to me & I would love to keep that good will on her part there (not least because I may need lift help in future). So especially don't want to make her feel uncomfortable.

But why would she feel uncomfortable? If I had overlooked a little boy for a party invite I wouldn't think badly of the parent of that boy, I'd feel a bit daft for not seeing it and I would invite. (Might be slightly different for me as we live in a small village?)

If it were me I would say that we had another treat already lined up as I couldn't bear to see the disappointment in his face

She'll feel uncomfortable if she didn't invite him and doesn't want to invite him, no? That's how I would feel in her place.

I told DS if he got an invite to give it to me straight away. DS knew in advance about when the boy was handing them out, and indeed I saw the boy looking around the playground to hand them out (colourful envelopes clutched in hand), and he could perfectly well see us, so obviously he didn't have anything for us that day. Then DS said that birthday boy said his mum had "ran out" of invites & DS would get one later, but I don't know, again, if that statement has anything to do with reality. Seems unlikely, especially since it's been a while since invites went out.

Last night I was standing next to birthday boy's mum when she got a yes RSVP, that's why I suddenly remembered the party and recognised the potential problem.

So I think it's pretty obvious DS not invited (though I will double check his tray), and DS often gets the wrong end of the stick. Just gotta break it to him gently.

Your poor ds. It sounds really unfair

Oh dear. Well, I'll say again that I wouldn't hesitate to invite the overlooked boy unless there was a specific reason for keeping him away-and that could either be related to him, or numbers generally(in which case there will be others who are not getting invites?)

Would a grown woman be that bothered about a 7 yr old not being invited ie enough to make her feel "uncomfortable"? All I can say is I wouldn't if I were her.

In the situation you describe in your last post, I'd have a frank discussion with party mother and say "look, I feel a bit daft, but DS has got it in to his head that he's had an invite to your ds' party. I'm not sure that's right and I don't want to put you in an awkward position, and am not fishing for an invite. I would like to be able to sort this out with my DS, but equally, if he has had an invite, I wouldn't want him to miss it".

That's def what I would do, bollocks to looking ike a bit of a wally!

like

Has he had a party ? That would be a good way if not.

Sorry, Recall? DS did have a big party for his 6th birthday, is that what you meant? I can't remember if this same birthday boy was invited. Hosting parties has no influence on whether you get invites back, anyway.

Maybe I will bite the bullet and ask something like what Peppermint suggested, but like I said, the other evidence is pretty compelling that invites went out & DS not meant to be included. So it feels pretty stupid to even ask.

I am beyond caring whether he ever gets invited, like I said, I only worry about him being disappointed about this specific event. So... any more suggestions about specific wordings, things to say to cheer him up, will be welcome. :)

Ragged Your post makes painful reading, poor you and poor DS. There's nothing worse than witnessing your own child's disappointment and not being able to easily make it all better. It's no consolation really that there will be more disappointments down the line as well as the highs.

My daughter when in primary school did not receive many party invitations (and if you think it is bad for a boy, it is even worse with girls who will chat about a party for weeks afterwards and ask the uninvited why they were not invited). I know she cared about this but probably not as much as her mother (why does nobody like my child?!). She like your DS was a bit immature (she was very premature) and most of her close friends tended to be similarly immature boys, who of course had all boy parties. I did sling her this line but usually just tried to empathise with her for not being invited (while trying not to blow it up into a big deal).

I deplore the handing out of invitations openly in the playground - we would never do this among adults. When I moved on from inviting the whole class to just a few friends for an outing, I made a point of sending the invitations in the post/emailing the mothers.

I hate all this stuff; it is so awful.

When DS1 was in reception a mother handed out invites to almost every child in the line before school, skipping out DS and a child with a lot of medical needs. DS is usually oblivious to whatever is going on around him but he noticed this. He opened a pretend invitation in front of me and said, 'Don't worry Mummy. Look I did get one after all.' To this day I could cheerfully rip that woman from limb to limb.

Hi ds in different position as only started school recently as was Home Ed and 2 weeks ago went to his first birthday party. I went out of my way to find out what the dc liked and bought an expensive present...well I have many yrs of not buying them to make up for! But also to show dc 'thank you' for invite. Ds wasn't invited to others dc parties and I explained to ds that the dc can only invite so many friends and that means some can't go also. Ds fine with this and I told ds that everyone will be invited to ds 1st school birthday party when ds is 8 yrs old and that ds is fortunate enough to invite all the dc to celebrate ds big day :)

though that is so cruel what happened to kumds

Oh Kumquat-your poor little lad.I wish I was having a party I would love to invite him.

Argh. It's tough. First of all (after checking his tray) I would certainly ask the host mother - and be clear that you're ready to hear any honest reasons why not. Could be that it's a tiny party but, if not, may give you vital clues as to some aspect of DS's social skills that's needing improvement.

It's hard to learn about social networks, expectations, rejection and how to recover gracefully from it. Has to be done, though, and I thought Destination's reply was a good one.

Plus, of course - if he isn't invited - a lovely better treat!
Good luck.

kumquat - your post brought tears to my eyes - poor little soul!

Ragged - you could ask the other mother by saying that you're really sorry, you're not sure what to think because your DS seems insistent that he is invited to the party but there is no invitation, so could she just confirm whether or not he is on the list? It shouldn't be a problem - you aren't saying "Why isn't he invited", you're just trying to clear up the confusion. Please do ask her - if he has been accidentally left out, or the invitation mislaid somewhere, she may be upset if he doesn't show up and the good will may be lost anyway! So ASK, clarify beforehand, and make it clear that you have no expectations from the question apart from clarification.

Oh Ragged I know this isnt the done thing, but as a child who was left out of stuff like this I would suggest 2 things:

1. LIE to DS. LIE like you have never lied before. Tell him he cant go to the party because you are doing something else (Fab and for him) that day. Tell him that its a shame but its already been arranged.

2. Have a quiet word with the Mum. Tell her you dont hold it against her or her boy but would like to know if there is any reason he wasnt invited as it seems to be happening a lot and you are worried that there may be something you are missing about his behaviour or his social skills. Or if you dont want to talk to the mum , ask his teacher.

I was often left out because my social skills were really poor. I was bullied quite a lot (Mainly at primary school) and was unable to form decent peer relationships at that age.

I am not saying there is anything wrong with your son but it is best to rule out any issues, especially the possiblility that he is being bullied. Social exclusion can be more painful for a child than actually being hit.

Do you feel that you understand why invitations do not come ds's way?

Hi there. I was in a similar situation recently and I went to talk to the Mum about the party - dropping hints, as if we had an invite I thought shed check we were able to come - and my DS was nt asked even tho he thought he was, as he had fallen out with the Birthday boy! Theyve since made friends, and us two Mums still friends!
If I were you, Id talk to his Mum about the party and see if she asks if hes coming - I know its hard to ask directly but you could drop strong hints! If hes not invited, tell him youd already arranged something great for him to do.
Does he have a circle of friends at school? If so, strengthen the links by asking them and their Mums round for coffee and a play. If friendships established and his friends Mums know you, ask them for tea. He might not be so bothered about not going to parties if they are not for one of his little gang! Ive found number of parties gone down dramatically from Reception to Year 3. Also 7 seems a volatile age with lots of falling out.
Hope you get it sorted - its all upsetting. xx

My Ds doesn't have any friends (Y2 suspected AS) and doesn't get invited to parties at all.

Is there something that the children are picking up on perhaps about your DS? Does he have any friends at school|?