Sensitive wording needing for a 7yo boy never invited to parties...

[ragged]

DS is in y3. He got two party invites in y1 (only one of which he went to) and none since.

He thought he would be invited to a party on November 6th at a venue we know well, but I know invites are out & DS definitely not got one.

Closer to date DS will probably be very adamant that he must go, & has been invited. I need to be prepared with tactful words for reassuring DS and helping him let go of the idea. A "You can't go to all the parties" line would be wrong, given that DS effectively never goes to any of the parties. All I can think of at the moment is something sympathetic about his disappointment, and that party guests cost money so not everybody can be invited, so it's very hard to choose...er... (sounds pants, really).

I am thinking we'll do some kind of slightly special outing instead, to help DS feel less like he missed out. I still need to know what to say, though. He tends to be quite emotional/high strung, and emotionally immature, so it needs to be a simple explanation, probably.

Just trawling for ideas what to say, if you have any! TIA.

you don't explain to him you lie to him and invent some fabulous you're going to that means you're sorry he can't go to the party - and then you take him

you talk to the mother about it

you realise that yes actually who is invited to your parties does impact on who is invited to others

my 7 year old rarely gets invited to parties because she hangs around with boys and they arrange boy only parties - and she doesn't get an invite and then she doesn't get invited to girls parties because she hangs around with boys - luckily I have older children and realise that this is transitory and in a few short years the playground politics and parties all disappear anyway

Hosting parties does have an effect on getting invites!
DS is having his part today. We have invited several children that he didn't mention but whose parties he had been to.

Ugh, complicated answers to those questions; I started thread about not understanding children's friendships at all, and was told (I think) not to worry about it.

I don't really want to run the risk of hearing from another parent "Your child is a shit with a terrible reputation", that won't help anything. Then again might have nothing to do with lack of invite; more likely very limited budget came into it. DS in this thread is DC3. My experience with other DC is that it's easy to end up with very few/no invites: reception year for DC1 when we were new to area, or y2 onwards after DC2 swapped classes, only child who swapped, even though she's got better friendships than ever after that swap.

We had about 17 guests at DS's 6th birthday party, maybe all invited came, there was even one who turned up who we didn't mean to invite! That high success rate made me think that not many parties are happening at all. I have promised DS a "big" party for his 8th (next June).

There is another complication (I forgot about when I started this thread), if the party is on Nov. 6th I almost certainly can't take him myself (no car that day, remote venue). If I prep him well he should behave, but DS has a record of blowing up spectacularly, especially when over-excited, so I would prefer to be there to deal with that risk.

It's all making me think easier to let it go.

I like the "LIE" honesty! :)

I don't keep particular track, but DC have always had hugely more guests to their parties than invites back (I imagine at least a 7:1 sort of ratio). We had 17 guests at DS's 6th birthday party (16 months ago) and at very most one invite back since. I even bought all the parents a hot drink and one parent always gives me friendly hellos only since that, so that's good, at least. I know that party went down okay.

We had maybe 10 guests to DC1's birthday party in October of reception year and no invites back (not before y1, anyway). Those are just easy examples that I paid attention to. So I rest my case...Invites to one's own party has nil impact on invites back. Maybe because few parties are happening, that part I can't know. Tonnes I can't know.

That's why I don't like to speculate about all this stuff, I just need to focus on dealing with present situation. How to cheer up DS if he's as disappointed as I think he might be.

Gotta go now, being nagged to read stories :).

This sounds tough for you OP.

My DS was only invited to 1 or 2 parties in y2, all the boys in his year were in "a gang" and he wasn't in it.

Things are different now (they can change so quickly).

I would have never ever approached a mother to ask for an explanation why my DS wasn't invited though! I am too proud for that, and also think it is not on.

If my DS asked why he wasn't invited to a party, I'd ask him if he was friends with this boy. Usually he wasn't. For his party he only wanted his best friend to come for a sleepover.

My DS is the sort of person who has one, maybe 2, best friends but doesn't want to fit in with "the gang". I am not tense about it, as I think some people are just wired like that and there is nothing wrong with being like that. Mostly, he seems happy, so that's where I take my cue from.

Did you invite all the kids for your DS party?

Does your DS need help with friendships? (at school? In our case the school put my DS on a social emotional IEP as he "could not accept instructions from his peers" and didn't seem to care about having just the one best friend, which they thought odd ).

What is your boy like?

o.k., cross posted.

As to how to deal with it, I would downplay it and not make a big deal out of it. Then focus on something fun.

I think you are really over-thinking it, and your DS will pick up on it. If your DS isn't invited, why on earth are you worrying about how to get there?

I would tell my DS he hadn't been invited and take him somewhere nice for the day so he wasn't dwelling on it. DS is 5 tomorrow and he would be fine with it.

Just wanted to suggest, if you are worried about your ds's friendships perhaps you could speak to his teacher to see if he/she has picked up on anything? Hopefully the teacher is friendly and will keep your concerns confidential so you don't have to worry about the other mums a) knowing something you don't and b) talking about ds behind your back.
Really presuming some of your feelings there so I do apologise if I am well off the mark. Good luck anyway, you have my sympathy.

I agree you are over thinking it. I would not speak to the hosts mother either.
I have several children. I do a big class party in reception and then in following years just a few friends.

I'm not overthinking it, though I fear others are! I am terrible at being sympathetic, so was trying to gear myself up for doing that better. I just wanted some ideas about how to cheer DS. It makes my teeth grate when people spout "They can't go to all the parties", so I explained background (probably shouldn't have).

Yeah, we'll see.

I feel for you op as I am in a similiar situation. My ds is 8 also immature and since he started school 4 years ago has only been to 4 parties. Two of those were the parties of a nursery friend and I know he was only invited as I am still friendly with the mum.

Ds tends to play with younger children or the sn children-and doesnt seem to be in the popular gang. Like you son he also gets mixed up and will come home and tell me so and so is going to give him an invitation tomorrow-of course I know its never going to materialise.

Disagree with poster who said if you give parties you get invites back. Ds has had parties for the past 4 years. Out of the people invited there were at least 5 of them whom have never reciprocated with an invitation of their own.

What do you say to him, Pink? Or does he never comment that he didn't get the invite after all?

I really can't be arsed any more to mind the lack of party invites (well, not unless I dwell on it, which this thread is tending to make me do, alas!). I am soooooo past the point of thinking I influence their social lives.

I don't really want to run the risk of hearing from another parent "Your child is a shit with a terrible reputation", that won't help anything. Then again might have nothing to do with lack of invite; more likely very limited budget came into it.

Totally agree it's probably due to numbers. But why don't you want to run the risk of hearing negatives? On the off-chance that you might, would it not be better to evaluate these for yourself, and help DS adjust his expectations or social behaviours if needed?

Ragged, can you really not bear to ask this mum for clarification about the invitation, because your DS seems so sure he's invited? Just this once - but have a treat lined up for him to do anyway, so if the mum flaps and says "Oh he wasn't on the list but I suppose we could fit him in..." you can say "oh no, don't worry, he wouldn't have been able to make it anyway because we're going to the zoo that day [or whatever] - I just wanted to know whether or not I needed to make my apologies for him not being there".
Or, if she says "oh yes, he was definitely invited, haven't you got the invitation?" you can let him go.

It's a horrible situation but I do think you owe it to him to check, just this time. And then if he's not invited, lie your arse off about it and take him to the zoo (or somewhere he likes to go).

As to finding out the reasons - could the teachers shed any light on his social interactions in school? Have you asked them? might be less painful than asking other mums.

I agree with Zombie, if there are problems you are unaware of it is good to pick up on them, how else can you help with them? You are probably more likely to get an honest and sensitive answer from the teacher than from another parent - although it may be worth asking your friends who know your ds if they have any idea why this is happening.

I would ask the parent (not in front of ds) if ds is invited and explain why you are not sure. If it turns out he isn't then take him on a treat with you instead. Lots of "lying" is really more wishful thinking so I wouldn't be cross about it.

I am liking Zombie's approach - have the "oh well he couldn't have made it anyway - I was just getting confusing messages from DS" excuse ready to diffuse any discomfort from host mother.

Actually, I wouldn't lie to him. I would say that children choose their closest friends for parties and if he is not particularly friendly with the birthday child then he should not expect an invite.

If he thinks he had an invite then I would tell him that it is his responsibility to remember to bring it home. I would not ask the parent if he was invited.

I would not plan a different treat for the day as I think that gives the message that there is something wrong with not being invited when in actual fact, that's life.

I know it's tough to deal with the disappointment but he will have to learn to handle that emotion like all others as he grows up.

As a side issue though, I would look at his friendships. Does he have a particular close friend who he plays with a lot at school? Does he have friends over to play outside of school? What does his teacher say about his socialising skills?

Update: Invite given to DS this morning (DS had a happy smirk like HE never had any doubts). Just 3 days notice! Although secretly I admire Laid Back mum (of birthday boy), who also offered to take DS (whew). Now I just have to hope that he'll behave.

Sorry to ignore thread questions but I know that I'm already doing everything I realistically can to help DS's social life. So just X my fingers this goes well. And scramble to buy a gift in time.

So pleased for your DS. And you as it is hard to watch them find their feet socially. It's a party of 8 yr olds high on excitment & snacks - none will be perfect

Nice to hear that ragged, I really hope he has fun!

Glad he has an invite. You mentioned him being emotionally immature for his age, maybe try some activities to give him more confidence and encourage him to be a bit more laid back about stuff.
I've also found that there are fewer parties the older they get, wich is a shame as I think older kids enjoy parties more than younger ones. I think alot of parents start having parties too young and are fed up of parties by the time their eldest is 6 or 7 which is a shame.
My kids never get invited to as many parties as they invite others to, but most of that is just their circle of friends not having that many parties.

OP, I know how you feel. My son is 8 and in year 4 and in the whole time at school he has been to approx 6 parties. My heart breaks whenever he tells me about someone having a party and about how he's "sure he's going to get an invitation".

On Halloween, the people across the street had their usual massive party which always spills out onto the street and invited all the local kids. My DS was not invited so I just made it special for him by decorating the house and playing spooky games and then going trick or treating.

Whenever he feels sad, I just tell him that party's cost a lot and unfortunately people can't always have everybody they want there. He just gets this sad look in his eyes and I hate it

So pleased he got one. And also pleased (in a sad way) that my ds is not the only to miss out on invitations.

We have had whole-class parties for him every year for the last 3 years (when he joined the school), and he has only had 2 invitations in that time (both from the same boy, who also has whole-class parties). Ds does not (ever) have close friends or a gang - is a bit of a lone wolf, but does hover around the edges quite a lot. So I was hoping that whole-class parties would secure a few reciprocal invitations, even if only in a ratio of 10:1. But no!

It does break my heart when he sees others boys and also his sister getting plenty of invitations, but there is nothing you can do. I wish mothers of more 'normal'/mainstream dcs were more aware of this and would help a little. I don't think it would have occurred to me either, so no criticism. But wouldn't it be nice, if we all said to our dcs - now you've done your list of close friends, perhaps we can add just one child who's on the edge of the crowd... It would cheer up a lot of lonely little people.